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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Would you also be fuming or am I being unkind ?

288 replies

justhowuseless · 18/02/2022 05:08

DS has started nursery recently and is often ill ( almost always ).

He's often awake in the night and crying. So I go into his room and stay with him to try to calm him down. I put him with me in the bed in his room and try to comfort him.

Tonight he's been awake since 1 am and just tossing and turning and crying a little bit sometimes. When this happens, I know that if I leave to go to the bathroom or to get milk for him or calpol, he will get very upset. So I often just hold it if I need to go to the bathroom, for hours. It's what us mother do.

In any case, it just kept getting layer and he wasn't settling so I really need to get him Calpol, as the crying is getting worse and he must be in some kind of pain. Husband obviously never gets up for any of it and I also don't wake him up. But toddler is screaming quite loudly now, so husband must be awake- but still not coming to see if he can help or anything. I therefore call out to him and ask him to come in and stay with DS while I go and get milk and Calpol. He says ok..

While I'm downstairs I can hear DS wailing completely hysterically now, much worse than before and by the time I get back, husband is in the toilet and has just chucked DS in his cot and opened his sleeping bag. The very thing I had tried to avoid, was leaving him, as I know it would make it worse.

I tell husband what are you doing, I told you to stay with him and husband is like, but I needed to go to the toilet. I'm totally fucked off. What was the point. I could also have just chucked DS in his bed and left the room.

Am I being too much or does this once again show how selfish my husband is ?

OP posts:
Thread gallery
6
Frederica852 · 18/02/2022 07:43

This doesn't sound very sustainable. I've never laid frozen still for hours whilst desperate for a wee. I'd just go and have one. The calpol lives in the bathroom cupboard so I just go and get it. I'm not sure why you can't do that?
Most kids have croup at some point or another and recover in a few days so you should definitely hassle for a GP appt if you think something is wrong

Original poster
justhowuseless · 18/02/2022 07:45

@Frederica852

This doesn't sound very sustainable. I've never laid frozen still for hours whilst desperate for a wee. I'd just go and have one. The calpol lives in the bathroom cupboard so I just go and get it. I'm not sure why you can't do that? Most kids have croup at some point or another and recover in a few days so you should definitely hassle for a GP appt if you think something is wrong
I have - loads. Apparently some kids get if recurrently and you can't do much about it. And some kids needs recurrent treatment for it in hospital as their Air way swells and they can't breathe.
OP posts:
blackdumpling · 18/02/2022 07:45

I don't have kids
But if my nephew was screaming like that
I would either pick him up & take him into the loo with me
Or pick him up & take him downstairs to get the medicine
Or leave him in his cot & dash to the loo // kitchen
What I wouldn't do is waste time laying still next to him & doing nothing
When I could have given him the medicine he needs & relieved myself
And wake up a 2nd person in order to do this
When it sounds like this is a fairly regular occurrence
If your husband is not doing his fair share of night wakings & is a lazy parent
Then that is a separate issue
Which could be clouding your feelings over this issue
But the issue as you describe
Sounds like you are martyring yourself
And that there are cracks in your marriage
Is it possible you have some post natal anxiety?
Or that your husband is just a bit of a dick?

Sprogonthetyne · 18/02/2022 07:47

Unlike most I totally get this, though I had a ridiculously high needs baby aswell, so also spent hours lying still hoping they'd sleep.

If they're awake but still drowsy and I can keep them calm, they'll likely go back to sleep within an hour and I can go back to bed. Whereas if I left to go to the loo, they'd be wide awake and hysterical by the time I got back, and it would take 2-3 hours before they were asleep, then we'd all feel like crap the next day.

So while I agree that leaving baby in the cot for a few minutes won't harm them, If OP's DH had just waited a few minutes, then she may have got hours more sleep. That's the bit that's annoying, especially if it's a pattern of them prioritising their own comfort no matter how minor, over any amount of inconvenience to the OP.

Rosebuud · 18/02/2022 07:49

I think maybe your anxiety and over tiredness has the better of you which is understandable, and you’ve got yourself into an unsustainable situation that you need to rethink how to manage.

Your husband did the right thing, your child can be left in his cot if he needs the loo, it was your instruction was unreasonable.

Laying there still needing the loo and how you’re managing it, isn’t something to be continued with,.

Brefugee · 18/02/2022 07:50

It is really hard with the first child. And i guess one of your problems is that you really have got the mum-martyr complex going on coupled with a husband that doesn't do his part.

So the first thing: they are not going to be permanently harmed if you put them in a safe place while you go to the toilet. How effective are you anyway if you're bursting to go and holding it in?

If you are only going down for calpol (and i wonder that you seem to be using it a lot) why not keep it in your room?

But: your DH needs to step up. I think you're wrong to "give him intructions" to stay with the baby. If he wants to go to the toilet and leave the child in a safe place, that is fine.

Don't fall into the trap of always putting everyone else first. Sometimes your needs come first.

Cam2020 · 18/02/2022 07:51

Absolute bat-shittery of the highest order.

No it's not, OP is tired and stressed. Sometimes you'd do anything to avoid more crying/hysterics when it's been going on for hours and you're feeling overloaded by it. Read the situation, not just the words.

Your husband sounds like he's inexperienced in this area, OP. He also hadn't been battling through hours of a fitful, crying child, so his reaction to the situation was different and he was probably also foggy from being woken up. I'd chalk it all down to tiredness, though, on both sides.

XelaM · 18/02/2022 07:52

@TheRealityCheque

"Honestly, you've lost the plot!

Of course it's reasonable for either of you to leave your child in a safe place to go to the toilet.

Absolute bat-shittery of the highest order."

THIS. Sorry OP, but you're acting mental.

Watchingpeppa12 · 18/02/2022 07:54

Ok I first read and thought wtf ? Just go to toilet, but I actually know your anxiety and completely understand reading your further posts, we had the same with DD, so many middle of the night hospital trips and she also cried all night every night for at least 3/4 years, you actually end up with a sort of PTSD I think, it’s hard OP. I can’t offer much advise further except it does get easier and they SHOULD grow out of it, but I definitely spent the good nights almost waiting for it!

Original poster
justhowuseless · 18/02/2022 07:55

@Brefugee

It is really hard with the first child. And i guess one of your problems is that you really have got the mum-martyr complex going on coupled with a husband that doesn't do his part.

So the first thing: they are not going to be permanently harmed if you put them in a safe place while you go to the toilet. How effective are you anyway if you're bursting to go and holding it in?

If you are only going down for calpol (and i wonder that you seem to be using it a lot) why not keep it in your room?

But: your DH needs to step up. I think you're wrong to "give him intructions" to stay with the baby. If he wants to go to the toilet and leave the child in a safe place, that is fine.

Don't fall into the trap of always putting everyone else first. Sometimes your needs come first.

Ah this is frustrating because I'm not an idiot.

I know I can leave my two year old alone for gods sake.

I do it all the time. I also let him cry himself to sleep sometimes. It's just when he's sick and his croup could start flaring, I try to avoid him screaming too much. That's actually what the doctors tell you to do as well when they have it.

I don't give him Calpol a lot in the middle of the night, as it's not usually necessary and when if I did, in that scenario it needs to be in milk- to try to stop him screaming.

Whilst I appreciate I need to find a different solution, I usually wake up my husband and ask him to lie with DS while I get the meds ready downstairs.

But I'm in no way a complete idiot who doesn't understand that a two year old can safely be left to cry on their bed. I do it frequently in fact.

OP posts:
girlmom21 · 18/02/2022 07:55

Does he get upset if you take him out of bed and downstairs with you?

Original poster
justhowuseless · 18/02/2022 07:58

@girlmom21

Does he get upset if you take him out of bed and downstairs with you?
I can't. He's too heavy for me to do that. I'm heavily pregnant. And if I let him walk around, he would just find something to do downstairs ( like play or climb on something ) and then become hysterical when I would bring him back upstairs.
OP posts:
HairyScaryMonster · 18/02/2022 07:58

I'd explain when your calm you don't want him left. Next time he just needs to say give me a min while I nip to the loo so lo isn't ditched.

Watchingpeppa12 · 18/02/2022 08:00

@justhowuseless this is also something you need to get used to I’m afraid, people with easy children who just WONT get it, they think they are just better parents. I often got asked, oh is she your first? Luckily I could reply no actually. Sounds like you’ve got a mixture of high needs child that picks up lots of bugs that goes to their chest, it’s tough and unless you’ve been there you won’t know!

LadyNell · 18/02/2022 08:00

It is scary I know, my son had very bad asthma as a child, frequent steroids etc. I sympathise. I wasn't being unkind. Sounds like it needs referring to a vonsultant or something, you have to ouch for everything these days x

LadyNell · 18/02/2022 08:01

Typos sorry, was meant to say push

Brefugee · 18/02/2022 08:03

I know I can leave my two year old alone for gods sake.

Why are you asking then? I was perfectly nice to you and you are rude back. if you know you can leave your child why are you making a huge song and dance.

I get it. PFB. You're tired and pregnant but you're being unreasonable to countless posters who are saying "yes we get it, but it is ok"

So shrug go on being anxious or take some advice which is what MN is here for. Your problem.

gamerchick · 18/02/2022 08:03

do it all the time. I also let him cry himself to sleep sometimes. It's just when he's sick and his croup could start flaring

You keep saying this. But croup is viral isn't it? It's not something you have all the time that can be activated by screaming.

Has he been tested for a other cause?

phishy · 18/02/2022 08:06

Your husband is training you not to ask him to get up.

Don’t fall for it, make him do more.

Amichelle84 · 18/02/2022 08:09

You're being far too precious.

Original poster
justhowuseless · 18/02/2022 08:10

@gamerchick

do it all the time. I also let him cry himself to sleep sometimes. It's just when he's sick and his croup could start flaring

You keep saying this. But croup is viral isn't it? It's not something you have all the time that can be activated by screaming.

Has he been tested for a other cause?

Crying makes it worse. We took him once to hospital after a massive cry and that's what they said. It may have ' come out ' at a different time, it he had not had the cry. That's what they said..
OP posts:
endofthelinefinally · 18/02/2022 08:11

I completely understand your anxiety OP. Croup can be really terrifying. If you have ended up in hospital 3 times no wonder you try anything to avoid it.
First, I would speak to gp again to get advice about managment. I am going back 35 years, but we had a humdifier in the room, a spacer with a preventer inhaler to use at bedtime, and something called baby vic. Ds outgrew it eventually, but he got croup every time he got a cold until he was about 7.
The second thing is to have a straight talk with dh when you are both awake, during the day. You have a croupy child and you need a team approach. He needs to understand that he helps to manage it or he goes to hospital in the ambulance every time.

LucyOrli · 18/02/2022 08:12

Solution to going downstairs to get milk: two thermos flasks in son’s bedroom, one with hot milk, the other with cold. Mix two together in a sippy cup or whatever as needed.

doadeer · 18/02/2022 08:17

It's crazy that your husband never gets up to support your child not that he went to the toilet.

phishy · 18/02/2022 08:17

@LucyOrli

Solution to going downstairs to get milk: two thermos flasks in son’s bedroom, one with hot milk, the other with cold. Mix two together in a sippy cup or whatever as needed.
Or the dad could just get up, like an adult.