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AIBU?

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Original poster

Would you also be fuming or am I being unkind ?

288 replies

justhowuseless · 18/02/2022 05:08

DS has started nursery recently and is often ill ( almost always ).

He's often awake in the night and crying. So I go into his room and stay with him to try to calm him down. I put him with me in the bed in his room and try to comfort him.

Tonight he's been awake since 1 am and just tossing and turning and crying a little bit sometimes. When this happens, I know that if I leave to go to the bathroom or to get milk for him or calpol, he will get very upset. So I often just hold it if I need to go to the bathroom, for hours. It's what us mother do.

In any case, it just kept getting layer and he wasn't settling so I really need to get him Calpol, as the crying is getting worse and he must be in some kind of pain. Husband obviously never gets up for any of it and I also don't wake him up. But toddler is screaming quite loudly now, so husband must be awake- but still not coming to see if he can help or anything. I therefore call out to him and ask him to come in and stay with DS while I go and get milk and Calpol. He says ok..

While I'm downstairs I can hear DS wailing completely hysterically now, much worse than before and by the time I get back, husband is in the toilet and has just chucked DS in his cot and opened his sleeping bag. The very thing I had tried to avoid, was leaving him, as I know it would make it worse.

I tell husband what are you doing, I told you to stay with him and husband is like, but I needed to go to the toilet. I'm totally fucked off. What was the point. I could also have just chucked DS in his bed and left the room.

Am I being too much or does this once again show how selfish my husband is ?

OP posts:
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6
SleepingStandingUp · 18/02/2022 09:31

Am I being too much or does this once again show how selfish my husband is ?
Well this is the killer line isn't it. This isn't a one of sleepy not thinky thing. It's a pattern of behaviour you half expect, hence not even calling for help at a reasonable time.
If you were comforting DS though why can't DH get the milk and meds? He'll be less unsettled without the parent swop. Or is he not even capable of that?

MimiDaisy11 · 18/02/2022 09:31

I can see how it’s annoying if the reason you needed him was to stop your baby crying so much. Obviously people should go to the toilet when they need it but to just hold it for a minute for you coming back wouldn’t be much to ask.

Hoplesscynic · 18/02/2022 09:31

@TheRealityCheque

Honestly, you've lost the plot!

Of course it's reasonable for either of you to leave your child in a safe place to go to the toilet.

Absolute bat-shittery of the highest order.

This
rainyskylight · 18/02/2022 09:32

When our DD has a bout of illness or teething I always make sure that there’s a clean syringe and calpol within easy reach, just in case, so I don’t have to go downstairs in the dark or turn all the lights on. You are being a bit unreasonable but I think you have not slept and it’s all escalated a bit. Also, your husband should be doing some night wakings.

Leilala · 18/02/2022 09:37

My DS (now 9) use to get croup every fortnight in the end we kept steroids at home. Cold air can be really effective and improving things.

Turned out he has sleep apnea

SleepingStandingUp · 18/02/2022 09:37

Get a bottle warmer and a mini fridge in his bedroom jeez your two year old must have been a lot more chill than mine. Mini fridge in their bedroom would be the fun toy keeping them up all night!!!

girlmom21 · 18/02/2022 09:40

@SleepingStandingUp

Get a bottle warmer and a mini fridge in his bedroom jeez your two year old must have been a lot more chill than mine. Mini fridge in their bedroom would be the fun toy keeping them up all night!!!
I suggested that before I knew how old he was. He's still in a cot so I assumed he was younger. Although, to be fair, my 2 year olds pretty chill and probably wouldn't bother with it, but we've also got places we could put it where she can't reach.
OnTheBenchOfDoom · 18/02/2022 09:40

I think you need to spell it out to your Dh. It is really worrying when you say he gets annoyed at getting things for his child in the middle of the night.

Talk about nights and about how you will both deal with Ds. Tell him that you have found he settles quicker if you do X,Y,Z. But at some point you are going to have another child to deal with so the sooner he learns how to get Ds down the better otherwise Ds may well wake the baby.

I do understand pandering to a child who could end up in A&E, for me Ds2 was very poorly and we were also told crying exacerbates his condition so of course we did what we could to facilitate that. But Dh was right there with me. He would walk over fire for his children and me. It is worrying your Dh does not seem to prioritise his child.

SleepingStandingUp · 18/02/2022 09:44

@girlmom21 Tbf my twins think they were born North of the wall. They don't even have cupboards in their bedroom 😂. I think there's a cot and a bed in there, which sounds idyllic. I spend a lot of time on the floor between two cot beds.

spottedbadger · 18/02/2022 09:44

You are making it way more difficult than it needs to be Confused

girlmom21 · 18/02/2022 09:44

[quote SleepingStandingUp]@girlmom21 Tbf my twins think they were born North of the wall. They don't even have cupboards in their bedroom 😂. I think there's a cot and a bed in there, which sounds idyllic. I spend a lot of time on the floor between two cot beds.[/quote]
Born north of the wall GrinGrinGrin

I honestly don't know how anyone manages twins - you're my hero!

flippyflip · 18/02/2022 09:46

I hope you don't have proper calpol when Tesco's own is much cheaper.

BiscoffAnythingIsTheWayForward · 18/02/2022 09:47

I can totally see why you reacted in this way. You are exhausted and doing everything you can to ensure your child sleeps as much as possible. I agree that your husband clearly is happy just to leave you to it and this isn’t good enough. I would definitely start laying down boundaries to share the laid. Aside from all that, you’re 8 months pregnant. He should be taking over night duties so you can rest as much as possible. You’re going to end up ill too if you aren’t already.

This screams separation anxiety to me on top of his already existing medical needs. I don’t have much to say there as my youngest is autistic and I have done everything but stand on my head to get him to sleep more, so I understand what may seem completely silly and irrational to some, isn’t to you. But yes…go to the toilet don’t hold on to it. Your son crying for a few mins will wake him but he can have comfort when you turn. It’s good for him to know that you will return.

SleepingStandingUp · 18/02/2022 09:49

But at some point you are going to have another child to deal with so the sooner he learns how to get Ds down the better otherwise Ds may well wake the baby.
I do think this is the pertinent bit @justhowuseless. When baby is screaming and toddler is screaming, what's the plan? If DH can't be trusted to make warm milk and calpol what happens when you're stuck under a feeding baby and DS has a fever?

What is quite worrying is
I know that if I leave to go to the bathroom or to get milk for him or calpol, he will get very upset.... In any case, it just kept getting later and he wasn't settling so I really need to get him Calpol, as the crying is getting worse and he must be in some kind of pain. Why on Earth aren't you calling your husband, or taking toddler omt otge bedroom to shake him awake if that's what's needed, to get help when he needs it. Him crying for hours whilst you wait for DH to offer is ridiculous and really not helping your DS.

User839516 · 18/02/2022 09:51

OP I get it, I’d be pretty livid if I’d been holding in my pee forever so the baby didn’t go mental and then asked DH to step in for 2 minutes and HE decided to go for a pee!! If that was my DH it would be because he just didn’t understand what was required of him due to being groggy than he was actually being a twat. He would be very apologetic the next day.
I’m the same as you though, I do all night wakings myself (I have a 2yo, 4yo and am pregnant too) as that’s just the way we work it and always have. DH works outside of the home and I don’t and it’s just one of the ways we balance that. Mine were EBF as well so it just made sense for us. During waking hours he is an absolutely amazing husband and does waaaay more than his fair share. And I know I could wake him if needs be, I just tend not to cause it’s not necessary. I’m also like you in that I do put my kids needs before my own and often go without or martyr myself in order to save them upset, it’s just the kind of mother I am, there’s no point people telling you not to be like that, some people just naturally are that way inclined (especially with first kid!). That said, I do think that (kindly) you need to try and get some of this under control before baby gets here. My 2yo has been ‘trained’ to the point that if she does wake up in the night I just have to go in and settle her, in her own bed, I don’t take her out, sometimes I will tickle her back a little and I leave the room while she is still awake. It has taken a lot of slow, slow work to get there (if you haven’t already, look up the gradual retreat method) but being pregnant again meant I knew I had to get her to a point of being able to fall asleep without me etc before new baby arrives. I did the same with my first before second arrived and she was also 2. It does seem insurmountable but just take tiny baby steps and honestly you’ll get there. Try and get him off the milk at night time too as it’s so bad for their teeth and it’s just another crutch he doesn’t need. You can do this! You’re doing great and you will get there.

Giraffesandbottoms · 18/02/2022 09:56

I relate to this SO heavily. The answer is that some men are fucking selfish. They think of themselves before anybody else and have no idea. I have has similar with my husband several times. It’s maddening. If you wanted to leave your child crying in pain you would have done so and used the loo yourself!

Thatsplentyjack · 18/02/2022 09:57

I would be totally fucked off with theat aswell OP. What did he think you were shouting him in for? What the fuck was the point? Selfish twat.

sqirrelfriends · 18/02/2022 10:03

Staying up with a crying child is so hard. I don't blame you for being pissed of at how useless he is.

Yes it's ok to go to the loo for 2 minutes but surely he could have waited until you were back. Also I doubt he slept through all the crying, he could have got up to help, but didn't.

JaffaCakeGal · 18/02/2022 10:04

Your DH needs to step up and help. He's being selfish. Of course he can hold his wee for 5 minutes, unless he has some kind of problem!

SofiaSoFar · 18/02/2022 10:05

So I often just hold it if I need to go to the bathroom, for hours. It's what us mother do.

@justhowuseless no, that's not normal, it's crazy.

As long as the child wouldn't be put in danger by leaving them to use the loo, then of course you leave them for a minute or two.

None of that absolves your husband from shouldering his share of the work, though.

Having said that, has he always been like that or has he now stepped back because you won't all DC to be left for a moment and so he's just leaving you to do it your way?

Original poster
justhowuseless · 18/02/2022 10:06

@User839516

OP I get it, I’d be pretty livid if I’d been holding in my pee forever so the baby didn’t go mental and then asked DH to step in for 2 minutes and HE decided to go for a pee!! If that was my DH it would be because he just didn’t understand what was required of him due to being groggy than he was actually being a twat. He would be very apologetic the next day. I’m the same as you though, I do all night wakings myself (I have a 2yo, 4yo and am pregnant too) as that’s just the way we work it and always have. DH works outside of the home and I don’t and it’s just one of the ways we balance that. Mine were EBF as well so it just made sense for us. During waking hours he is an absolutely amazing husband and does waaaay more than his fair share. And I know I could wake him if needs be, I just tend not to cause it’s not necessary. I’m also like you in that I do put my kids needs before my own and often go without or martyr myself in order to save them upset, it’s just the kind of mother I am, there’s no point people telling you not to be like that, some people just naturally are that way inclined (especially with first kid!). That said, I do think that (kindly) you need to try and get some of this under control before baby gets here. My 2yo has been ‘trained’ to the point that if she does wake up in the night I just have to go in and settle her, in her own bed, I don’t take her out, sometimes I will tickle her back a little and I leave the room while she is still awake. It has taken a lot of slow, slow work to get there (if you haven’t already, look up the gradual retreat method) but being pregnant again meant I knew I had to get her to a point of being able to fall asleep without me etc before new baby arrives. I did the same with my first before second arrived and she was also 2. It does seem insurmountable but just take tiny baby steps and honestly you’ll get there. Try and get him off the milk at night time too as it’s so bad for their teeth and it’s just another crutch he doesn’t need. You can do this! You’re doing great and you will get there.
DS has been a good sleeper really until he started nursery.

We had got used to ignoring him or just going in and doing a dummy replug on the occasions that he did cry during the night. It didn't happen that often.

Then I realised a couple of times he got upset in the night and then got sick the next day and it was clearly because he hadn't been feeling well and I had just left him to cry. So since then I've been a bit more responsive to his crying in the night, because I'm worried he's not hell.

He just hasn't been that well since starting nursery. So I'm just more likely to go in.

OP posts:
SleepingStandingUp · 18/02/2022 10:07

So I often just hold it if I need to go to the bathroom, for hours. It's what us mother do. also I thought you weren't meant to do this when you are pregnant, or is that an old wives tail? Either way I'm not sure it's great for your body to be holding in a dealers need for wee for hours regularly

SleepingStandingUp · 18/02/2022 10:09

Why doesn't you call your DP earlier though and get him to sort the milk rather than lying there for his? What would happen if you'd woke him after 30 minutes and asks you need to get calpol? Are you scared at how he's react?

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 18/02/2022 10:11

Husband obviously never gets up for any of it and I also don't wake him up

Is your child also your husband's? If so why does he never help?

It does sound as though you are pandering to your son though. Just leave him to cry and sleep sometimes. He needs to be 'held down' to administer Calpol? There's something not right there. And imagine doing this with two of them... why have you allowed your husband to be so lazy?

Sally872 · 18/02/2022 10:12

My son had bad croup and needed hospital 3 times one winter.

After that GP put him on preventative inhaler as good chance he has asthma. It has worked wonders, never even needed the steroid drops again since. We will try him off inhaler soon to see if he has grown out of it otherwise will be treated as asthma.

Might be suggesting this to GP or seeing another GP.