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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Inlaws abandoning us to move away

440 replies

mag2305 · 18/02/2022 00:25

My inlaws (in their late 50s) currently live a few miles up the road from us but will be relocating 3 hours away to a countryside location. They've bought this second property as a holiday home but have now decided to live and retire there and my MIL will be taking her 85 year old mum too. The reason they're leaving is just because they like the area better, no other family live there.
My dh found out today and is feeling really upset. Also, because his sister, grandma and uncle knew before us, it just feels extra rubbish. We suspected something was going on as they've been spending more and more time at this holiday home. Plus, they've started getting the grandma's flat redecorated for no reason - well we now know the reason.

We're sad because we have a 3 year old and 7 month old and thought my dh's parents enjoyed being grandparents and seeing us but that's not even been factored in. They've been really unemotional about leaving. My ds especially is really going to miss them as they've had loads to do with him. I feel like they're trying to get away from us maybe and they don't want to help out as grandparents. But we haven't asked that much of them over the years.

I understand that they have their own lives but AIBU to think that they should have more importance on family? It's normally the younger generations who move away, not the older ones.

OP posts:
headintheproverbial · 18/02/2022 14:23

Good grief. Some people really do believe the world revolves around them and their children!!

YABU

housemaus · 18/02/2022 14:31

I love my inlaws but I have to say, there has been some underhandedness in how they've gone about things which does hurt.

It's not your life, though? They don't 'owe' you any involvement at all in their plans, they told you when they wanted to.

YANBU for being sad, but YABU to feel like they've wronged you.

fairylightsandwaxmelts · 18/02/2022 14:36

I love my inlaws but I have to say, there has been some underhandedness in how they've gone about things which does hurt.

I suspect they didn't discuss it with you because they didn't want to feel guilt-tripped into staying.

twodayisarightoff · 18/02/2022 14:47

Do you think despite the bond that maybe they were finding DS too much. Maybe since the new addition ? Where they just visiting or looking after the DC without you or your DH there ?

It's an absolute shame they are moving they miss out in my opinion. I understand why you are hurt.

EmmaH2022 · 18/02/2022 14:56

OP "I think this really sums it up. Things will settle down but for now, we're just sad about it.

I love my inlaws but I have to say, there has been some underhandedness in how they've gone about things which does hurt. They could have talked it about it with us. Yes, my dh would have still been upset but telling everyone else before us just hurts even more.
They also took the grandma to the solicitors recently to get things in order and have had her apartment redecorated before even asking her if she wanted to move away"

I understand why they didn't tell you

But if they really had grandma's flat decorated without her permission, that's shocking. I can't help wondering if that's a correct statement on what happened.

Original poster
mag2305 · 18/02/2022 15:15

@twodayisarightoff

Do you think despite the bond that maybe they were finding DS too much. Maybe since the new addition ? Where they just visiting or looking after the DC without you or your DH there ?

It's an absolute shame they are moving they miss out in my opinion. I understand why you are hurt.

They don't look after our ds a lot but maybe they do find it too much when they do or maybe they're just not into grandchildren as much as we thought. We don't expect childcare, that's not what this is about. I do believe they will be missing out in comparison to how things have been but I equally would hate them to feel like we're tying them down at all. I do understand it's their lives. Things will just be very different.
OP posts:
Original poster
mag2305 · 18/02/2022 15:16

@EmmaH2022

OP "I think this really sums it up. Things will settle down but for now, we're just sad about it.

I love my inlaws but I have to say, there has been some underhandedness in how they've gone about things which does hurt. They could have talked it about it with us. Yes, my dh would have still been upset but telling everyone else before us just hurts even more.
They also took the grandma to the solicitors recently to get things in order and have had her apartment redecorated before even asking her if she wanted to move away"

I understand why they didn't tell you

But if they really had grandma's flat decorated without her permission, that's shocking. I can't help wondering if that's a correct statement on what happened.

They had permission to organise redecoration but didn't share the reasons behind it with her. I'm not sure what they said to her.
OP posts:
EmmaH2022 · 18/02/2022 15:19

OP "They had permission to organise redecoration but didn't share the reasons behind it with her. I'm not sure what they said to her."

So she is fully compos mentis, went to the solicitor with them - your words? Sorry, at this point it just sounds like you can't believe they all wanted to move and you are trying to find oddities in what they chose to do.

BearOfEasttown · 18/02/2022 15:23

YANBU @mag2305 and I am shocked at the amount of people dissing you for how you (and your DH) feel. I would imagine most people would feel let down and disappointed at their parents/in laws bogging off 3 hours drive away. And that IS a lot if you suddenly need help and support with your small children and babies. Did people not learn ANYthing from the pandemic and the lockdowns?! Hmm

But remember, this IS the parallel world of mumsnet where you are not allowed to complain about stuff like this. The typical reaction is... 'why on EARTH would you hope for help from your PARENTS when you're an ADULT?' and 'Grow up!'

In reality, adult women AND adult men sometimes need help and support from parents and parents-in-law, especially when they have school age children.

EmmaH2022 · 18/02/2022 15:28

@BearOfEasttown

YANBU *@mag2305* and I am shocked at the amount of people dissing you for how you (and your DH) feel. I would imagine most people would feel let down and disappointed at their parents/in laws bogging off 3 hours drive away. And that IS a lot if you suddenly need help and support with your small children and babies. Did people not learn ANYthing from the pandemic and the lockdowns?! Hmm

But remember, this IS the parallel world of mumsnet where you are not allowed to complain about stuff like this. The typical reaction is... 'why on EARTH would you hope for help from your PARENTS when you're an ADULT?' and 'Grow up!'

In reality, adult women AND adult men sometimes need help and support from parents and parents-in-law, especially when they have school age children.

If OP had said "my ILs are moving and we are going to miss them terribly" she would have got a completely different response.
whumpthereitis · 18/02/2022 15:29

Not everyone wants the whole ‘family lives on the same street and has done for generations’ ideal that some people have. Personally I’d find it incredibly suffocating. Then again my mother and father are from different countries, and there’s a long history of emigration.

Personally, I’d feel I was missing out by being tied to one area. I value my family relationships, but I can enjoy them from a distance whilst also being happy and fulfilled in my own life. Your in laws may very well feel the same.

It’s a case of different ideals. I don’t think either of you are wrong to have your preference, but you are absolutely unreasonable to expect your in laws to live according to yours. I would also guess they didn’t tell you until it was finalised because they anticipated an unpleasant reaction from you.

Cam2020 · 18/02/2022 15:29

It isn’t. Our grandchildren are that distance away and we see them at least every couple of months.

That's a long time to some, but not to others. It's all subjective.

peboh · 18/02/2022 15:30

@BearOfEasttown

YANBU *@mag2305* and I am shocked at the amount of people dissing you for how you (and your DH) feel. I would imagine most people would feel let down and disappointed at their parents/in laws bogging off 3 hours drive away. And that IS a lot if you suddenly need help and support with your small children and babies. Did people not learn ANYthing from the pandemic and the lockdowns?! Hmm

But remember, this IS the parallel world of mumsnet where you are not allowed to complain about stuff like this. The typical reaction is... 'why on EARTH would you hope for help from your PARENTS when you're an ADULT?' and 'Grow up!'

In reality, adult women AND adult men sometimes need help and support from parents and parents-in-law, especially when they have school age children.

My in laws often speak about moving abroad when they're retired. All dh, bil and myself have to say to that is 'That would be such a great experience for you, and you should totally do it if it's what you want' We don't expect or hope for help from our parents on either side. They've done their job. They raised us to adulthood. Now they get to go live their lives however they please and do whatever makes them happy.
BearOfEasttown · 18/02/2022 15:34

@peboh

Good for you!

Doesn't really help the OP though DOES it?

MsChatterbox · 18/02/2022 15:40

Exactly! My mum moved 3 hours away when I was early 20s... I still plan to take care of her when she needs it!

diddl · 18/02/2022 15:47

"or maybe they're just not into grandchildren as much as we thought."

Oh come on now!

They are only three hours away-you could see each other once a week!

Original poster
mag2305 · 18/02/2022 15:51

@EmmaH2022 to be fair, if you read through my comments, I've said that I love my inlaws and that they've been amazing. Surely that implies that we'd miss them? Of course we would!!

OP posts:
Littlepaws18 · 18/02/2022 15:52

It's not about you and your family it's about them and their retirement. I bet they were worried about telling you because you are the pull factor for staying and they probably didn't want to upset you. But you have to let them go and live their lives. I moved away from my family home as did my brother. My parents were really upset about this especially as I had their only grandchild, but they understood that that was my life direction. They are now thinking of moving to the Lake District and selfishly I am thinking that's 4 hours away! But it's their life and I'm not going to stop them from enjoying their twilight years. It just takes greater effort to meet but we will do it!

EmmaH2022 · 18/02/2022 15:56

[quote mag2305]@EmmaH2022 to be fair, if you read through my comments, I've said that I love my inlaws and that they've been amazing. Surely that implies that we'd miss them? Of course we would!![/quote] You've also said

The reason they're leaving is just because they like the area better, no other family live there

They've been really unemotional about leaving

I understand that they have their own lives but AIBU to think that they should have more importance on family?

It's normally the younger generations who move away, not the older ones.

there has been some underhandedness in how they've gone about things

It all just reeks of "me me me".

Original poster
mag2305 · 18/02/2022 15:58

@BearOfEasttown

YANBU *@mag2305* and I am shocked at the amount of people dissing you for how you (and your DH) feel. I would imagine most people would feel let down and disappointed at their parents/in laws bogging off 3 hours drive away. And that IS a lot if you suddenly need help and support with your small children and babies. Did people not learn ANYthing from the pandemic and the lockdowns?! Hmm

But remember, this IS the parallel world of mumsnet where you are not allowed to complain about stuff like this. The typical reaction is... 'why on EARTH would you hope for help from your PARENTS when you're an ADULT?' and 'Grow up!'

In reality, adult women AND adult men sometimes need help and support from parents and parents-in-law, especially when they have school age children.

I thought the same about the pandemic. My parents and inlaws missed seeing us all so much during that time. Same with millions of other families.

Yep, totally! I'm sure mumsnet isn't the best representation of a balanced view on this topic but I do take into account everybody's opinions.

I know!

OP posts:
Llamasinpajamas · 18/02/2022 16:04

@Sarcobaleno I don’t really think that is mean. OP I don’t think you’re that unreasonable to be honest. I think ‘abandoned’ is a bit strong but they have chosen to do what they want to do, and it will ultimately reduce their contact with her mother and your children. Depending how much effort Is made each way obviously you will see them but it’s a different relationship from that distance. When you have two small kids that’s when you need the most support, your in laws will know that. They have made that decision for them, and that’s fine, but no I wouldn’t be putting myself out for them especially any more if they don’t when you need the help.

girlmom21 · 18/02/2022 16:08

OP I thought I recognised your username.
A week ago you didn't want your husband going on a stag do.
Are you very dependant on other people?

SirChenjins · 18/02/2022 16:11

Why are you bringing another post by the into this? Don’t - there’s absolutely no need for it.

girlmom21 · 18/02/2022 16:13

@SirChenjins

Why are you bringing another post by the into this? Don’t - there’s absolutely no need for it.
Because it's very relevant. Every time someone wants to do something that involves a bit of travel and time away OP gets upset. Don't you think that may be something that's worth reflecting on?
SirChenjins · 18/02/2022 16:21

No, you were attempting a snarky little dig. Did you do a search for the OP, or did you miraculously just happen to remember that post from a week ago from all the other hundreds/thousands there have been on MN in that time?