Inlaws abandoning us to move away

[mag2305]

My inlaws (in their late 50s) currently live a few miles up the road from us but will be relocating 3 hours away to a countryside location. They've bought this second property as a holiday home but have now decided to live and retire there and my MIL will be taking her 85 year old mum too. The reason they're leaving is just because they like the area better, no other family live there.
My dh found out today and is feeling really upset. Also, because his sister, grandma and uncle knew before us, it just feels extra rubbish. We suspected something was going on as they've been spending more and more time at this holiday home. Plus, they've started getting the grandma's flat redecorated for no reason - well we now know the reason.

We're sad because we have a 3 year old and 7 month old and thought my dh's parents enjoyed being grandparents and seeing us but that's not even been factored in. They've been really unemotional about leaving. My ds especially is really going to miss them as they've had loads to do with him. I feel like they're trying to get away from us maybe and they don't want to help out as grandparents. But we haven't asked that much of them over the years.

I understand that they have their own lives but AIBU to think that they should have more importance on family? It's normally the younger generations who move away, not the older ones.

[quote BearOfEasttown]@MrsSkylerWhite

Really, the idea that parents will suddenly need their adult children to care for them after decades of managing very well, thank you, is beyond patronising.

Don't assume you will not need help in your old age/elderly years...

If in turn they decide they want to move to Australia, we shall rejoice in their happiness and visit, often.

WOW. How wonderful for you that you have the money and time to visit Australia - and so often too. Most people are not so fortunate and will very likely never see their family member again if they move to Australia.

They owe us nothing and we owe them nothing.

Wow, what a hideously cold remark.

I would be really upset if my adult DC fucked off to the other side of the planet, and they would if me and DH did. It will never happen though, as we love each other, and care about each other too much to to do this. I would only move away if I had no-one here who meant anything to me.

I do seriously question the motives and reasons behind people moving 100s and 100s of miles away from family and friends, and everything they know, and I definitely think it very odd when people move 1000s of miles away.

People will say 'work!' or 'career opportunities' .. or 'a shiny new life...' LOL, as if you can't get them in your own country. I do wonder what people are running away from to be honest. Coz they sure are running away from something. Or someone!

You don't move away - permanently - to another country, if you are happy where you are.[/quote]
@BearOfEasttown I do totally agree with this.

In the case of my inlaws they have moved a huge amount of times over the years (before my time). Within the same county up until now but my dh has always said they've never been able to settle and get restless. They are definitely a couple who always need the next bigger and better 'thing' in their lives and don't really seem content. Plus, they can't hold onto money and have come close to losing it all a few times over the years.

People can change location multiple times in a lifetime but wherever you go, you have to take yourself (and troubles) with you. Obviously this doesn't apply to all situations but I think my inlaws are.

Sorry finished too soon... are like this... I meant to say.

Adventurous folk
Have every right to travel
Let them live their life

After reading all threads, I sense a lot of unhappiness & frustration, anger & very strong opinions……
I am Not qualified but as you get older sometimes it’s best to let it go,

I left home at 17, had 2nd hand furniture & grew vegetables to give back to everyone who helped me

I Couldn’t afford university as no student loans!, so I worked by butt off & now have my own business,
ladies my generation only wanted a better life for our children than we had, do you?
I do see that the young people live in a virtual fake world, & it is so discombobulated, sadly it is past the point of no return,
My daughter has her little family & we chat every day but has seen how hard I’ve worked to help her, & is 100% behind me to have my time & will visit me in spain

As I said before, I do love my inlaws, they are lovely people. But we have noticed that the have changed in their interest towards us over the last 4 years. When we told them I was pregnant with ds, they were over the moon and really embraced being grandparents. They loved it all. Then my mil retired and covid happened straight after. This was really the turning oint. She's a lady who needs a project, work was great for her. That's when the opportunity came up with their holiday home. I think their intention was to go a lot sooner but then we announced baby no. 2 and I'm not sure if this plus, more covid restrictions, scuppered their plans.
It sounds awful but I think there was a novelty of having a first childhood for a year or so. They adore both gc but we can just tell that the interest just isn't there as much now. Even silly things like my dh will send them photos and videos of ds and dd on a WhatsApp group but they don't always comment or acknowledge it. When they go to their holiday home, we don't hear from them at all normally. They've recently come back after 10 days there and we didn't hear from them once. I'm sure they're busy and doing their own thing, that's fine. But meanwhile, our ds has been very ill recently which has put a huge strain on us. They didn't even ask about him.
So yes, I live them, but I just feel now that we're not even on their radar a lot of the time. No it's not all about us but I'm sure they could show a little more effort and interest sometimes.

Don't most people wish their in laws would move 300 miles away?!

@hiraffe

I don't think you are unreasonable to be upset & I would tell them so but they are free to make their own choices.

My parents are immigrants & in our culture family comes first with everyone helping each other out. You need to make your own life & do what suits you, my father was recently very ill & I could be at the hospital in 20 mins & see him every other day to help his recovery. Support is invaluable imo.

So how did your parents immigrate? Presumably they didn’t leave any family members in the home country if family comes first in your culture?

People do what’s best FOR THEM. The only thing she should be telling pils is that she’ll miss them but she’s happy if they’re happy.

They've recently come back after 10 days there and we didn't hear from them once. I'm sure they're busy and doing their own thing, that's fine. But meanwhile, our ds has been very ill recently which has put a huge strain on us. They didn't even ask about him.

This sounds hard. My pils are perfect grandparents, wonderful people. My own parents couldn’t care less. Never remember kids birthdays, have never supported me in any way. I hear from them very very infrequently when they need something. Unfortunately I’ve just had to accept that they won’t be the people I’d like them to be.

I think it’s not very nice of the grandparents not to bother asking after their unwell grandson or not to take much interest but you’ll just need to accept that is how they are. I often wonder if my parents will feel it unfair in years to come when they don’t have kids and grandkids to call and visit them whereas pils do, but that’s their choice to make.

Their mindset is clearly as alien to you, as yours probably is to them. Instead of accepting that people are different, and that your way isn’t the right way for everyone, you seem intent on painting them as deficient

The bottom line is you’re not owed anything by them, and you holding them to expectations they’re not even trying to meet Is only going to lead to disappointment, resentment and bitterness on your part. You aren’t hurting them, you’re hurting yourself. You really do need to try and get your head around the fact that they’re entitled to govern their lives in the way they best see fit to, and that them not living up to your ideals doesn’t make them wrong.

haikyew
I feel I have found a friend.

I would be really upset if my adult DC fucked off to the other side of the planet, and they would if me and DH did. It will never happen though, as we love each other, and care about each other too

Does that mean those that have emigrated somewhere don't love their families? What tosh!

How many threads do we read about MNers having an opportunity to live in Dubai, the US, Australia... wherever... do they not care about their families then? I think you'd get short shrift if you went on their threads and said that!

I would be beside myself if any of my DCs went to live in Australia, but our bonds are unbreakable, and with a sad heart I would wish them well, if that is what they really wanted to do. You don't have to live round the corner to love your family.

Likewise for the OP. I'm sure the ILs love their GC to bits but this is right for them at this time in their lives. It doesn't mean they love your family any less.

@Kanaloa so you agree with me as my post literally says You need to make your own life & do what suits you, 😆

I would be really upset if my adult DC fucked off to the other side of the planet, and they would if me and DH did. It will never happen though, as we love each other, and care about each other too much to to do this. I would only move away if I had no-one here who meant anything to me.

I hope you never tell your children this.

What an oppressive, controlling way of thinking.

fairylightsandwaxmelts

Emigration does have an impact though, and it's burying a head in the sand to nthink otherwise.
My sister emigrated with her new husband when I was 10 and witnessed the pain it brought to my parents, they were truly bereaved, and although I was too young to understand, looking back I think my mother fell into a depressed state for several years.
It would be 10 years before my mother saw my sister again, this time with two children, but met her grandchildren only twice during their childhood.
I know she wished my sister well, but she was heartbroken.

@speakout of course it has an impact. I don't think anyone is saying otherwise.

But it also doesn't mean you've been abandoned and it doesn't mean you can guilt trip your family into limiting their lives for you. You can't blackmail your kids into staying close to home for their entire lives because you'd be upset at them moving.

Having children is about raising them to be independent with lives of their own, and sometimes that means they want to travel and move away from home.

I mean, if your child goes off to university and meets someone from the opposite end of the country or even from overseas - what do you expect to happen? If they live together and get married, at least one of them is going to end up moving and leaving their family behind. Should they split up? Move one whole family somewhere else so everyone stay together? It's just not practical for most people to stay close to home forever.

I mean, my parents moved to the other side of the world before having me. I only ever saw my grandparents every 2-3 years, and likewise that's how often my mum saw her parents and siblings etc. I know it upset her parents but they wished her the best and they still had an excellent relationship despite the distance.

We parent our children to become (if we are lucky) independent adults. We don't own them.

Surely the best relationships are based on love and mutual respect, not distance?

I do seriously question the motives and reasons behind people moving 100s and 100s of miles away.... they sure are running away from something. Or someone!

Mostly, they are moving to a nicer climate and higher standard of living... but if you insist they are running away from something, you can reframe it as running away from the shit weather and lower standard of living.

It's entirely understandable.

OP, for someone who says they love their ILs and think they're lovely peoople, you've actually slated them quite a bit here. None of your posts really give the impression of you thinking of them as 'lovely people'. What did your DH say that he shouldn't have to them?

@mag2305

As I said before, I do love my inlaws, they are lovely people. But we have noticed that the have changed in their interest towards us over the last 4 years. When we told them I was pregnant with ds, they were over the moon and really embraced being grandparents. They loved it all. Then my mil retired and covid happened straight after. This was really the turning oint. She's a lady who needs a project, work was great for her. That's when the opportunity came up with their holiday home. I think their intention was to go a lot sooner but then we announced baby no. 2 and I'm not sure if this plus, more covid restrictions, scuppered their plans. It sounds awful but I think there was a novelty of having a first childhood for a year or so. They adore both gc but we can just tell that the interest just isn't there as much now. Even silly things like my dh will send them photos and videos of ds and dd on a WhatsApp group but they don't always comment or acknowledge it. When they go to their holiday home, we don't hear from them at all normally. They've recently come back after 10 days there and we didn't hear from them once. I'm sure they're busy and doing their own thing, that's fine. But meanwhile, our ds has been very ill recently which has put a huge strain on us. They didn't even ask about him. So yes, I live them, but I just feel now that we're not even on their radar a lot of the time. No it's not all about us but I'm sure they could show a little more effort and interest sometimes.

My parents moved abroad, I was going through a divorce and had three kids under 6 - but their choice to make.

It has meant a different family relationship, a phone call once a week, a trip to be together once a year. It has meant the grandchild/grandparent relationship isn't that strong.
However, this is how my parents chose to live their lives and my children don't really know any different, this is just how it is in our family. All families are different.

I hope you won't stop your children going to uni or moving abroad to work when they are older !

I wonder if you or husband had got a work promotion that involved relocation, would you have turned it down because of in-laws? You were lucky to have them close for your children's first years, now your relationship will be different, with weekend visits, staying over etc. Your children will enjoy staying at their grandparents house.

I do seriously question the motives and reasons behind people moving 100s and 100s of miles away.... they sure are running away from something. Or someone!

Or looking to see what other opportunities are out there. My parents have lived in the same area pretty much since birth and even though it was home to them, it wasn’t home to me or my sister. My sister lives 12 hours driving from my parents and I live in a different country.

My DH and I live about 5 hrs from his parents and he hasn’t lived close to them since uni so over 20 years. His brother is moving back to the country and city he was in previously (there a decade) with his family after being here about 4 years for a better, higher paying job.

My parents don’t like that I live so far away due to not being able to see their grandchildren as much as they would like BUT they know that they raised us to find our own happiness because we only get one life and we should live it for us, not for them because they made the choice to have us (their words). They made their choices in life, why shouldn’t we?

YANBU to be upset with the change of dynamic. My SIL lives a 3 hours drive away and my in laws' relationship with her children is very different to the relationship with my children. They love all their grandchildren endlessly and equally, but the difference is that as they see my children so much more and, perhaps more importantly, on their own too. The grandchildren 3 hours away are almost always with their parents when they see the grandfolk as they come/are visited for a weekend and it's more of an event. Not necessarily worse, but a different relationship for sure. Less casual perhaps? Hard to describe.

I do seriously question the motives and reasons behind people moving 100s and 100s of miles away.... they sure are running away from something. Or someone!
Ever thought they might be running TO something? More opportunities, a better future? No? Didn't think so.

You are So refreshing ,
I had 3 sisters & we lived in a 2 bed run down area in East London, l left school at 15 & aged 22 i fell pregnant & still married 34 years but we saved £23,000 over 7 years as we wanted a better life

We worked our butts off & saved every penny, no holidays & no takeaways, we had no help from the government me & my husband would take any extra shifts to boost our income, we invested wisely & we are (me55 ) & hubby 65, have 2 beautiful grandchildren, our daughter is
Our biggest achievement, selfless, loving & has matured into an amazing mum.

Our daughter wants us to enjoy our life as heading towards our twilight years & if we chose Spain will enjoy 12-14 weeks a year which will be quality time