Inlaws abandoning us to move away

[mag2305]

My inlaws (in their late 50s) currently live a few miles up the road from us but will be relocating 3 hours away to a countryside location. They've bought this second property as a holiday home but have now decided to live and retire there and my MIL will be taking her 85 year old mum too. The reason they're leaving is just because they like the area better, no other family live there.
My dh found out today and is feeling really upset. Also, because his sister, grandma and uncle knew before us, it just feels extra rubbish. We suspected something was going on as they've been spending more and more time at this holiday home. Plus, they've started getting the grandma's flat redecorated for no reason - well we now know the reason.

We're sad because we have a 3 year old and 7 month old and thought my dh's parents enjoyed being grandparents and seeing us but that's not even been factored in. They've been really unemotional about leaving. My ds especially is really going to miss them as they've had loads to do with him. I feel like they're trying to get away from us maybe and they don't want to help out as grandparents. But we haven't asked that much of them over the years.

I understand that they have their own lives but AIBU to think that they should have more importance on family? It's normally the younger generations who move away, not the older ones.

Yanbu. That’s a real slap in the face, especially with others knowing before you. They obviously don’t appreciate their grandchildren as they should. I’m sorry 😔

@girlmom21

No I recognised her username and couldn't remember why, so I searched it.

I wasn't looking for a snarky dig. I've made a very valid point.

If you don't like it that's your issue.

It's not valid at all. Stop stalking people. It's unnerving.

[quote mag2305]@hiraffe I think that's probably how my inlaws feel too. They've often told us how they 'managed' with young children and family not local. The strange thing is that my mil's mum did the exact same thing. Moved away with her late husband to live somewhere more rural away from family, grandchildren, etc. Except his health then declined and they moved back because they needed help.[/quote]
We had no family near either. My parents 90 minutes away, my inlaws 2.5 hours. It was fine at the time (we thought). We had no expectations and we visited regularly.

However, now that I'm my adult DD's only parent, and a GM, I have a totally different outlook. I actually feel bad for my inlaws (who were the most loving and lovely people) that we lived so far away and they didn't have day to day contact with their adored DGDs. They never ever showed any resentment or complained, but I do remember my FIL once saying quite wistfully 'It would be so nice if I could just pop in for cup of tea'.

My DD's are 30 and 45 minutes away. If I'm honest, when one of them moved from 20 minutes away to 45, I was a bit gutted (it makes that whole popping in thing more of a trek for DD and DGD).

So yes, despite knowing that they have the right to move wherever they like, I do understand how you feel. You had something that you're losing.

They've got one life and most of it is behind them,.not in front. I really admire their getgo and courage to be honest! You should wish them well and visit for amazing holidays

But what do you expect the in-laws to do? Ignore their own needs and wants, forgoing their much anticipated freedoms?

@whumpthereitis
How on earth did you come to that conclusion?

OP is a married adult with children - she's not being "abandoned" because her in-laws want to move three hours away

Who claimed she was @fairylightsandwaxmelts?

Your response to a poster who said they were desperate for some support was Or maybe many of them remember doing it without help and managing just fine. Very helpful...

@saraclara my mum cried when my brother moved from SW London to SE London 😆

This sounds wonderful to me, you can live your life without the in-laws butting in.

Also as they are the ones moving away I wouldn’t be putting myself out visiting them too often.

@Gilly12345

This sounds wonderful to me, you can live your life without the in-laws butting in.

Also as they are the ones moving away I wouldn’t be putting myself out visiting them too often.

Not everyone hates their inlaws. In fact OP has said that she loves them.

@hiraffe

Or maybe many of them remember doing it without help and managing just fine.

The old I managed so why can't you argument. Very progressive!

Very progressive!

Very sneery, how the unpalatable is often perceived on MN!

@JinglingHellsBells

I don't think that grown up children in their 30s ought to feel 'abandoned'.

These aren't even your own parents- they are in laws.

What right do you have to tell them where to live?

And the reason they are 'unemotional' is probably because they understand that 3 hours is not the end of the world. In reality, it's leaving home at 8am and arriving at 11 am. It's doable for a day, let alone a weekend.

Looking at it the other way, I have friends ( we are middle aged, like your in laws) whose adult children moved to other countries. They clearly were upset, but tried never to show it because they knew that they had to live their own lives.

This is MN where the space-time continuum is different, 3 hours is about 24 hours in the MN world, a lifetime away.

@Sarcobaleno

sorry but yabu. They are already looking after the 85 year old granny, so they are thinking about family. You sound like you're being a bit needy over this. I'm sure they enjoy being grandparents but it's their life, not yours. Be grateful you can live how you want without guilt wherever and however you choose now.

This 100%.

Makes a change from all the posts about interfering in-laws who live too close though !

or maybe they're just not into grandchildren as much as we thought.

@diddl

Oh come on now!

They are only three hours away-you could see each other once a week!

Have you - and the other small handful of posters dismissing a so called 'paltry' 3 hour trip (a 6 hour ROUND trip) got any clue how much of a ballache a SIX hour round trip would be EVERY WEEKEND?

Do people on here actually live in the real world? I can only surmise you people dismissing this distance have shag-all to do in your lives! Can't have if it's just sooooo easy to do one or more '6 hour round-trips' a week to see family!

I agree that the OPs in-laws are showing they are not bothered with too much regular contact... People only move that distance away because they don't really want to be particularly close.

@SirChenjins

No, you were attempting a snarky little dig. Did you do a search for the OP, or did you miraculously just happen to remember that post from a week ago from all the other hundreds/thousands there have been on MN in that time?

Some people do like to do this on here! Going through people old posts to try and dig something up to use against them is really poor form, and sneaky, and stalkerish.

@LovelyYellowLabrador

They’ll be back when they want looking after in their old age ….

Yeah this. Karma will bite them on the arse if they're not careful.

The OP and her DH, will get used to them not being around to help and become a bit more tough and self sufficient (because she is forced to with no parental support,) and may decide to move on with her family, to somewhere much FURTHER away than 3 hours. And then THEY won't be around to help the in-laws when they're elderly.

Her in-laws should be careful what they wish for.

Not everyone needs help. Not everyone gets old. It’s unrealistic and unfair to expect people to live their lives to please other people just in case they might need support when they’re older. Hopefully they’ve got enough money to pay for any help they need. I don’t remember previous generations being so transactional in their relationships.

This thread is a bit nuts.

God forbid anyone in the 50’s should lead their own life.

They've had their children, they've done their bit, who says just because you're a grandparent you should want to put you life on hold again, not every is the same, it doesn't mean they don't love them, they just feel it's their time.
Also she has her mum to look after I think she has enough to do. X

BearOfEasttown

@LovelyYellowLabrador

They’ll be back when they want looking after in their old age ….

Yeah this. Karma will bite them on the arse if they're not careful.

The OP and her DH, will get used to them not being around to help and become a bit more tough and self sufficient (because she is forced to with no parental support,) and may decide to move on with her family, to somewhere much FURTHER away than 3 hours. And then THEY won't be around to help the in-laws when they're elderly.

Her in-laws should be careful what they wish for“

What a load of bollocks. This idea that all parents suddenly become dependent is just rubbish.

We love our kids beyond measure. Our grandchild is a blessing beyond belief. But, in a few years, when my husband can finally retire after decades of incredibly hard work, we shall downsize and move to a beautiful place we have always loved but because of practicalities could not live in.

Our family will be forever welcome, as often as they wish.
If in turn they decide they want to move to Australia, we shall rejoice in their happiness and visit, often.
They owe us nothing and we owe them nothing. We all love each other very much and will do what it takes to connect, recognising that we all have our own lives to live.

Really, the idea that parents will suddenly need their adult children to care for them after decades of managing very well, thank you, is beyond patronising.

@MrsSkylerWhite

Really, the idea that parents will suddenly need their adult children to care for them after decades of managing very well, thank you, is beyond patronising.

Don't assume you will not need help in your old age/elderly years...

If in turn they decide they want to move to Australia, we shall rejoice in their happiness and visit, often.

WOW. How wonderful for you that you have the money and time to visit Australia - and so often too. Most people are not so fortunate and will very likely never see their family member again if they move to Australia.

They owe us nothing and we owe them nothing.

Wow, what a hideously cold remark.

I would be really upset if my adult DC fucked off to the other side of the planet, and they would if me and DH did. It will never happen though, as we love each other, and care about each other too much to to do this. I would only move away if I had no-one here who meant anything to me.

I do seriously question the motives and reasons behind people moving 100s and 100s of miles away from family and friends, and everything they know, and I definitely think it very odd when people move 1000s of miles away.

People will say 'work!' or 'career opportunities' .. or 'a shiny new life...' LOL, as if you can't get them in your own country. I do wonder what people are running away from to be honest. Coz they sure are running away from something. Or someone!

You don't move away - permanently - to another country, if you are happy where you are.

BearOfEasttown

@MrsSkylerWhite

Really, the idea that parents will suddenly need their adult children to care for them after decades of managing very well, thank you, is beyond patronising.

Don't assume you will not need help in your old age/elderly years...

If in turn they decide they want to move to Australia, we shall rejoice in their happiness and visit, often.

WOW. How wonderful for you that you have the money and time to visit Australia - and so often too. Most people are not so fortunate and will very likely never see their family member again if they move to Australia.

They owe us nothing and we owe them nothing.

Wow, what a hideously cold remark. sad

I would be really upset if my adult DC fucked off to the other side of the planet, and they would if me and DH did. It will never happen though, as we love each other, and care about each other to“

We all love each other too and that’s why we would all want the other to pursue what makes them happy.

My mum is 84, fit, well and no desire whatsoever to have me “caring” for her. That would make her miserable. So, out of love and respect for her, I won’t do that. My stepdad’s opinion is stronger still.
I love them both very much so will respect their wishes.
Equally, I do not want our children to have to care for us so have planned accordingly.
You are at liberty to make whatever arrangements suit you.
Just don’t assume every elderly person is dependent.

Not sure where to begin, always 2 sides to every opinion & life is always a compromise. I am 55 have an amazing daughter & 2 gorgeous grand children.
I also lost my dad after a 10 year battle with dementia he was my best friend & I miss him every day. I have worked full time since I left school at 16, (aged 22 I fell pregnant & back then 3 months statuary pay) then back to work, I never mithered, my point is i spent the last 10 years of my life looking after my parents & now I feel guilty if I don’t spend time with the kids, I live 90 minutes away & I still work full time, I am selfless but I would like some me time as I when asked what I enjoyed, it has been so long since I had me time that I am still working on the answer

Incidentally,m, wishing our children well if they decide to move to Australia is not “cold” at all. It’s quite the opposite. We want for them whatever makes them happy.

People will say 'work!' or 'career opportunities' .. or 'a shiny new life...' LOL, as if you can't get them in your own country. I do wonder what people are running away from to be honest. Coz they sure are running away from something. Or someone! You don't move away - permanently - to another country, if you are happy where you are.

Some people are ambitious and adventurous beyond the boundaries of their home country and the world is richer for it. Others are satisfied building a life where it's familiar and investing in their home communities.

Both those approaches to life are okay. And in both scenarios you have some happy, well-adjusted, close families as well as some discontent families who want nothing to do with each other.

They owe us nothing and we owe them nothing

I find this so freeing, very liberating, and ultimately a great expression of love.

I love my birth family (DM and Dsibs), but it is completely no-strings, no expectation, unlike DP who is all "family first" and clan-like, tribal loyalty, which I find innane at best and infuriating at worst: there's no question of mutual liking and respect based on merit, but plainly favour awarded by dint of birth. I can't get my head around it. If my DB was being a dick, there's no way I'd feel obliged to put up with him 'coz hes family. I choose the company of my Dfam because they're delightful people.

So you are fine with the younger ones moving away, but older ones moving away should put family first?