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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

What to think! Guy I am dating told me something?

550 replies

Musinglife11 · 17/02/2022 19:03

Went on a third date with a guy. He is nice and we connect well. I just felt comfortable around him.

He told me a few years back he was arrested and investigated for attempted rape. He was accused by an ex as revenge. He was investigated for 6 months, but charges dropped ( no further evidence?). He said it tore his life apart as he couldn’t work and nearly suffered a breakdown.

Said it was a revenge accusation. It didn't happen, but he wanted to be honest. He showed me emails from the police saying no further evidence. He said she got investigated for false allegations but police decided not to charge.

I spoke to a friend who is a police detective and he said it will most likely be false as it was investigated very quickly as these things can take up to a year or more.

How would you feel being told this? I am undecided as he seems really nice and was broken telling me. But it has made me slow things down, as it was very serious allegation that got investigated!

OP posts:
rambleonplease · 19/02/2022 23:26

@cuno

Really the OP has to do more digging and ask more questions

She wasn't in the room when the girl was allegedly raped, she cannot know either way. It's only been three dates, she has no skin in this game. This isn't a husband, this is basically stranger, so why torture yourself with digging whereby at the end of it you still don't know for sure? Why not just walk away? He's not the last bloody man on the planet, plenty more out there.

Well indeed. Then why post on here?? Just walk away and we would never have this debate. But yet she has.
lottiegarbanzo · 19/02/2022 23:26

There are certainly some people who are very poor at expressing themselves.

cuno · 19/02/2022 23:49

@rambleonplease

Then why post on here?? Just walk away and we would never have this debate. But yet she has.

She's posted on here to ask for advice, precisely because of the neverending "be kind" bullshit trotted out throughout her life that has made her unsure. Instead, if we stopped with this nonsense and empowered women to make choices that prioritise themselves and their own safety, she wouldn't have felt the need to post on here in the first place and there would be no debate to be had. And yet here we are... because of this fucking misogyny. Hope that's cleared things up for you. Hmm

cuno · 19/02/2022 23:55

Also it's rather hypocritical of someone complaining about idiots on Mumsnet while trotting out some of the most idiotic and dangerous advice.

KneadingKitty · 20/02/2022 00:00

Id walk away personally. I dont believe him offering the info up has any bearing on whether hes being honest. Anyone with half a brain knows doing that makes someone look more likely to be innocent. I just couldnt trust them, which really is sad if its false but also not my problem

Blossom987 · 20/02/2022 00:21

I think a better analogy is that you have two options - one is to get in the swimming pool that may or may not have a great white shark swimming in it. The other option is to simply walk away, stay safe and happy and continue on with your life. It’s not a difficult call is it?!

Excellent analogy. And just to add to it, there is also a 97% chance the pool does have a shark.

HappyDays40 · 20/02/2022 02:05

Rightly or wrongly I gotbin touch with an old mate (male) a few years ago. He told me something similar happened to him and I felt I couldn't be friends with him. Just felt a bit ick.

knittingaddict · 20/02/2022 04:11

@rambleonplease

🙄 of course she can end it after 3 dates. I am not saying she can't. All I am saying is if she wants to find out more before making her choice this is something she needs to do. God the really are some idiots on MN!!
Not idiots, but rather women who have direct or indirect experience of men like this. Men who have raped them, their sisters, their mothers, their daughters or their friends.

I have seen first hand what men like this do and it's always the right thing to walk away. The risk is too great.

The man who raped my daughter has another partner now. God knows what he told her. It won't be the truth.

OhWhyNot · 20/02/2022 04:48

Walk away

So many men have these terrible ex’s that have accused them of rape/dv and charges were dropped

It’s very difficult to get a case to court it’s appalling

Just walk away

sweetbellyhigh · 20/02/2022 04:58

@Really18

A friend of mine put a photo of himself and a new girlfriend on Facebook. A week later the police arrested him on suspicion of rape and a series of serial assaults. It was totally untrue. How do I know? He was on holiday with me in ibiza. There is no possible way he could have been in the UK. Anyhow, he had 6 months off work because of the investigation. He has to declare the investigation when applying for jobs because they do a DBS. He very nearly had a breakdown because of it. She nearly ruined his life because she was jealous.
Sorry but that is bs.
sweetbellyhigh · 20/02/2022 05:02

@WonderfulYou

I know females who have lied about rape. One ended in a false conviction and he went to prison. So I absolutely know it does happen.

However I would feel uncomfortable someone telling me something so personal after only 3 dates.

I guess he was worried someone you know said he’s a rapist.

I had a similar situation but the person went to jail (non sexual offences) but wanted to be with me which I wasn’t sure about so he got all of the information to show why he was convicted to prove that he was telling the truth and the situation behind it - I took that as he must have genuinely liked me to be so open.

How do you "know" this?
sweetbellyhigh · 20/02/2022 05:04

Often times the accused does genuinely believe that what they have done does not constitute a crime. Many people have very poor comprehension of what consent means. Rape myths abound - as we can see so clearly from this thread 🙄

OhWhyNot · 20/02/2022 05:07

If someone told you they have been wrongly accused and investigated for fraud would you lend them money if they asked so soon into a relationship

No you wouldn’t

So why wouldn’t you be very cautious about yourself and your safety

Why are so many willing to believe the narrative that ALL abusers use against their ex’s they are crazy they are liars

Rosieposie101 · 20/02/2022 05:08

I know 3 men who this has happened to in my town alone. In one case the girl owned up to lying, in one case there was literal CCTV evidence showing the girl to be lying, in the third case the man served time in prison before DNA evidence proved the girl was lying (he said they'd had consensual sex in his bed, she claimed he'd raped her in an alley, DNA evidence was eventually found from the bed to prove his version of events). In all cases the guys life was ruined even though he was innocent. I'd give him the benefit of the doubt if my instincts told me to.

OhWhyNot · 20/02/2022 05:13

Were these stories reported in the press

How many stories of men convicted of rape and lying to women did you read or are they not of interest

cuno · 20/02/2022 05:32

@Rosieposie101

I know 3 men who this has happened to in my town alone. In one case the girl owned up to lying, in one case there was literal CCTV evidence showing the girl to be lying, in the third case the man served time in prison before DNA evidence proved the girl was lying (he said they'd had consensual sex in his bed, she claimed he'd raped her in an alley, DNA evidence was eventually found from the bed to prove his version of events). In all cases the guys life was ruined even though he was innocent. I'd give him the benefit of the doubt if my instincts told me to.
Oh behave and stop insulting our intelligence.
CanofCant · 20/02/2022 07:49

@Rosieposie101

I know 3 men who this has happened to in my town alone. In one case the girl owned up to lying, in one case there was literal CCTV evidence showing the girl to be lying, in the third case the man served time in prison before DNA evidence proved the girl was lying (he said they'd had consensual sex in his bed, she claimed he'd raped her in an alley, DNA evidence was eventually found from the bed to prove his version of events). In all cases the guys life was ruined even though he was innocent. I'd give him the benefit of the doubt if my instincts told me to.
Pull the other one 'Rosie'.
Blue4YOU · 20/02/2022 08:04

Ah yes, the 3 men you know (but no one else, right?).
You’ve got the newspaper references and the names of the parties involved etc

Blue4YOU · 20/02/2022 08:06

@Rosieposie101
And the sheets were still on his bed after the trial and he’d spent time in prison 🤣?
You do know DNA evidence degrades over time, right?
And he must have some press coverage of his exoneration and her fall from grace..?

peboh · 20/02/2022 08:24

@Rosieposie101

I know 3 men who this has happened to in my town alone. In one case the girl owned up to lying, in one case there was literal CCTV evidence showing the girl to be lying, in the third case the man served time in prison before DNA evidence proved the girl was lying (he said they'd had consensual sex in his bed, she claimed he'd raped her in an alley, DNA evidence was eventually found from the bed to prove his version of events). In all cases the guys life was ruined even though he was innocent. I'd give him the benefit of the doubt if my instincts told me to.
Because many rapists haven't had previous consensual sex with their victims. Try harder next time.
floss1 · 20/02/2022 08:25

I would trust your instincts and give him credit for telling you at an early stage; can’t have been easy.
Take care and good luck.

DdraigGoch · 20/02/2022 08:29

in one case there was literal CCTV evidence
What on earth is 'literal' CCTV evidence? Are some CCTV recordings merely hypothetical?

Blue4YOU · 20/02/2022 09:37

Figurative CCTV 🤣

lemmein · 20/02/2022 12:31

@Rosieposie101

I know 3 men who this has happened to in my town alone. In one case the girl owned up to lying, in one case there was literal CCTV evidence showing the girl to be lying, in the third case the man served time in prison before DNA evidence proved the girl was lying (he said they'd had consensual sex in his bed, she claimed he'd raped her in an alley, DNA evidence was eventually found from the bed to prove his version of events). In all cases the guys life was ruined even though he was innocent. I'd give him the benefit of the doubt if my instincts told me to.
Hmm
What to think! Guy I am dating told me something?
Dontbeme · 20/02/2022 16:07

@Rosieposie101

I know 3 men who this has happened to in my town alone. In one case the girl owned up to lying, in one case there was literal CCTV evidence showing the girl to be lying, in the third case the man served time in prison before DNA evidence proved the girl was lying (he said they'd had consensual sex in his bed, she claimed he'd raped her in an alley, DNA evidence was eventually found from the bed to prove his version of events). In all cases the guys life was ruined even though he was innocent. I'd give him the benefit of the doubt if my instincts told me to.
There was a case here in Ireland in which the rapist was caught on CCTV assaulting his victim, he was arrested and went to trial. In court fifty local people lined up to shake his hand, as a show of support, they all lined up in front of his victim to do this. One of those people was the local parish priest who had some "interesting" things to say about the victim being a single mother. We all have stories of rape, a lot of us are survivors of rape and sexual assaults, yet nobody knows a rapist, it's an interesting conundrum.

www.irishexaminer.com/news/arid-20241637.html