What to think! Guy I am dating told me something?

[Musinglife11]

Went on a third date with a guy. He is nice and we connect well. I just felt comfortable around him.

He told me a few years back he was arrested and investigated for attempted rape. He was accused by an ex as revenge. He was investigated for 6 months, but charges dropped ( no further evidence?). He said it tore his life apart as he couldn’t work and nearly suffered a breakdown.

Said it was a revenge accusation. It didn't happen, but he wanted to be honest. He showed me emails from the police saying no further evidence. He said she got investigated for false allegations but police decided not to charge.

I spoke to a friend who is a police detective and he said it will most likely be false as it was investigated very quickly as these things can take up to a year or more.

How would you feel being told this? I am undecided as he seems really nice and was broken telling me. But it has made me slow things down, as it was very serious allegation that got investigated!

I always get the impression on MN that on cases like this we should do away with courts and just send any man accused straight to jail.

But the situation isn't court, or the legal system. It's just whether you want someone in your life or not, and you can use whatever biased criteria you like to decide. Nobody really owes anyone else a fair crack

@lemmein

Imagine

DD: 'this new guy I'm seeing has been accused of rape in the past mum - he said he didn't do it and the charges were dropped'

DM: 'aw give him a chance love, some women lie'

Exactly this. Why should OP care if he's innocent or guilty (statistically he's more likely to be guilty). She won't be able to make that call as he is a stranger not a lifelong friend or someone she's known for any decent amount of time. She should be thinking of herself, taking care of herself, not exposing herself to unnecessary risk.
The people telling you to give him a chance don't care about your safety OP, they just want to debate on the internet about what good people should be like, be kind and other bullshit.

And from the number of miscarriages of justice guilty doesn't always mean guilty.

And what is that number in rape cases?

I'd say it is very rare so those numbers are going to be single digits given you need solid evidence for CPS to even sniff your case due to their quota.

Indeed. Why are people confusing OP with the judicial system? It really isn't an easy mistake to make. One is a woman. The other is an enormous state-run institution with profound power over all our lives.

There's an awful lot of batshittery on this thread.

There's also a worrying level of credulousness. We don't know that anything this man has said is true. Was he ever investigated at all? OP offers a chunky nugget of doubt in her OP, with her police friend's assessment that a real investigation takes longer than six months.

The whole thing comes across like an investigation onto people's unquestioning willingness to believe what men say (even when reported anonymously, second hand, with a big dollop of doubt thrown in from the start) and to adopt the male position when choosing whose point of view to empathise with in a reported male / female interaction (even when the first hand account is provided by the female person).

For that matter, do we know the OP is who she claims and her account true? Of course not, we never do.

@Genevie82

It’s totally illogical that he would volunteer up this information about himself if he were a potential or past rapist OP… my reading of this is that he’s a man that’s had a serious allegation made against him (which would have been hellish ) and really likes you so he’s telling you his experience up infront rather than 6 months down the line when it would be a question of why didn’t you tell me sooner. Trust your instincts if you like him and it is indeed very possible that what he is telling you is true. Next step meet his friends xxx

I agree with this. Who would a potential rapist tell you about this??

To test your gullibility and malleability perhaps?

She should move on and let him get on with his life, if he didn't do it he needs people he can rely on not OP, if he did she's well rid

This I agree with, hes a grown man capable of finding some other woman to believe him. I also agree if OP didnt have doubts she wouldn't have come on here for advice.

I always get the impression on MN that on cases like this we should do away with courts and just send any man accused straight to jail

Meh, 10 million unique users on MN and some will look out for women and try to get them to see they matter as much as men. I've also noticed many more obviously men on here ( they cant hide the misogyny) basically telling women to suck it up >>> whatever the behaviour is that they are on here talking about.
I'm team woman and unapologetic about it.

@OnaBegonia

Many men have faced false accusations, one I know was accused by a ONS , got to court and she admitted she made it up as she had to explain herself to her DH for coming home at 4am. Plenty of women are vindictive and lie. Give him a chance, he's been upfront with you.

Misogynist and untrue. But hey, OP, give him a chance. What's worst that could happen?🙄🙄🙄🙄 Run, OP. And don't look back. I'm seriously worried that the few posts that presume he's innocent are the ones you're responding to

I agree with this. Who would a potential rapist tell you about this??
They often do. It is to test the woman's boundaries. Same with saying their crazy ex accused them of dv to get back at them for leaving etc.

I always get the impression on MN that on cases like this we should do away with courts and just send any man accused straight to jail
If you took 1 minute to look at the statistics re: rape and sexual assault in the UK, and the world, you'd see that when it comes to men raping and sexually assaulting women we HAVE very nearly done away with courts. But not to send them straight to jail. They walk free, able to tell women that they were falsely accused of rape and gain sympathy and poor boundaries.

My ex has been accused at least three times now he hasn't been convicted once or even to court statistically surely he is guilty of at least one but he has a girlfriend he is allegedly honest with and apparently she has done clares law so she "knows" everything and has stayed with him

Personally I would take my daughter and run (in case anyone is wondering no I did not know)

I wouldn't continue with him. Yeah, there is a chance that he was falsely accused but there is also a chance that he did do it. Lack of evidence does not mean that he's innocent.

Also, as others have already pointed out, it's a very common tactic of abusive men to test your boundaries.

This has red flags all over it and obviously if he is innocent then it's very sad for him, no one deserves to be falsely accused of such a heinous crime but you have to put your safety first. If there is a chance, no matter how slim, that he's a rapist then I would run for the hills.

There's a woman I know of whose absolutely bad shit crazy.

She's accused ex's of abusing children and animals when it was blatantly untrue.

The damage she did to their lives was almost irreparable.

This guys gone through the justice system who decided there was nothing to report. He was honest and told you.

I'd pull a report under Claire's law and continue dating him. That's said, don't be naive to the information and if there's ever any sign of questionable behaviour run.

Women get abused multiple times - 99.7% of them do. All labelled as batshit crazy if they report more than 1! How to silence women and continue with the oppressive label of 'hysteria' (currently known as BPD).

SInce anecdotes are winning and women are being kind. I worked with someone who on a night out told me (and the rest of the team all male) that his new wife (arranged) didn't like sex and was always crying. He didn't think he was a rapist and some of the idiots we were with started giving him advice on how to make sex better. He was a rapist and despite telling a group of people that he was raping his wife nothing happened.

Ring 101 and ask for a Claire's law disclosure. They can arrange this to be carried out.

Sorry, it's Clare's Law. Also known as the Domestic Violence Disclosure Scheme.

I met someone years ago, who told me he had been accused of being a paedophile, just rumours he told me, people being spiteful.

In my naive mind (I was 18 btw- so very young and very naive!) I thought, he's being open with me, he wouldn't tell me if it was true!

Then the police turned up at his flat whilst I was there with DD. I had not been told the truth.
Having been in the situation I was in at that point, this would make me want to be as far away from him as possible.

Sexual predators are manipulative and I'd worry that if it took police months to investigate that there was some concern that he had actually done it. NFA doesn't provd he wasn't guilty, it just proves he couldn't be charged.
Which happens in a lot of rape cases.

I think the fact he has voluntarily disclosed it proves he is a decent, honest bloke that can be relied upon.

Whatever happened to innocent until proven guilty you lot?!!
What If it were your sons who were unfairly accused?
I would trust my own judgement regarding this man, OP.

When we were on holiday around 6/7 years ago, there was a group of girls and a group of boys, who got to know each other, one of the girls accused one of the guys of raping her, the police came, arrested him, interviewed everyone staying at the hotel , anyway it turned out she'd completely made it all up, she was homesick, and missing her boyfriend so decided making this up to go home would be easier than saying to her Friends she wanted to go home, the guy and his friends went home early, they were all devastated by rhe accusation.
The girl went home , the rest of the girls stayed, they were horrified by their friend making something so awful up.
Yes, women make false accusations, but most rape accusations are true, I think its a lot more unusual to to be falsely accused, so I'd back of from the relationship.

Lawyer here. Can we get something completely clear - Innocent until proven guilty is a legal construct based on the assumption that it’s easier to prove something did happen than to prove the negative, that it didn’t. It isn’t a statement of fact.

Since the advent of DNA testing virtually every rapist will admit that sex happened but will raise “s/he consented” as a defence. Given that rape is usually a crime involving only two people, it makes it incredibly hard to prosecute, particularly as the standard is “beyond reasonable doubt”.

There seems to be a suspiciously high number of posters with anecdotes about false accusations, where they claim to “know” the woman lied (apparently men never falsely accuse other men). However as pp have pointed out these are incredibly rare. Even in instances where the complainant withdraws her accusation, it doesn’t mean it was false or that she was lying. Criminal defence lawyers advise their clients to plead not guilty, because they know the stress and trauma caused by the prospect of having to give evidence in court and face cross examination mean many complainants simply won’t go ahead. Add to that many women, face a huge amount of pressure and coercion from friends and family of the accused to withdraw their accusations because it will “ruin” his life. The truth is that unless you were right there the whole time, you don’t know that any accusations were false. The people who lie when it comes to rape are the rapists.

OP I would be lacing up my running shoes and getting the hell out of there. As pp said, this is like two doors and one has a tiger behind it. I think a better analogy is that you have two options - one is to get in the swimming pool that may or may not have a great white shark swimming in it. The other option is to simply walk away, stay safe and happy and continue on with your life. It’s not a difficult call is it?!

There are enough dog-whistle 'give him a chance' he-could-have-been-a-rapist-but-hey-he-might-not-be, sounds-like-a-decent-everyday-chap-to-me sympathisers here to set up a support group.

Why don't you actually do that, instead of advising women anonymously online, to be kind, take all the risks and provide your proxy counselling and befriending service for you?

Or um, is providing that befriending and support service exactly what quite a few of you are doing here?

Our ideas of a decent, everyday sort of chap differ, quite a lot.

Too much of a red flag for me.

I'd move on if I were you.

@Josephsrose

I think the fact he has voluntarily disclosed it proves he is a decent, honest bloke that can be relied upon.

Whatever happened to innocent until proven guilty you lot?!!
What If it were your sons who were unfairly accused?
I would trust my own judgement regarding this man, OP.

My DD's ex disclosed his past to my DD. Obviously he was the victim of scheming lying women; much to my frustration (seriously, that period she was with him broke me!) she believed him.

He went on to rape her.

Sometimes they disclose to test your boundaries - sometimes they disclose because people in their social circle are aware so they know it'll come out anyway. Assuming they're disclosing because they're 'decent and honest' is naive and dangerous - forget your sons for a moment, would you give that same advice to your DD?

@WouldRatherBeSurfing

Lawyer here. Can we get something completely clear - Innocent until proven guilty is a legal construct based on the assumption that it’s easier to prove something did happen than to prove the negative, that it didn’t. It isn’t a statement of fact.

Since the advent of DNA testing virtually every rapist will admit that sex happened but will raise “s/he consented” as a defence. Given that rape is usually a crime involving only two people, it makes it incredibly hard to prosecute, particularly as the standard is “beyond reasonable doubt”.

There seems to be a suspiciously high number of posters with anecdotes about false accusations, where they claim to “know” the woman lied (apparently men never falsely accuse other men). However as pp have pointed out these are incredibly rare. Even in instances where the complainant withdraws her accusation, it doesn’t mean it was false or that she was lying. Criminal defence lawyers advise their clients to plead not guilty, because they know the stress and trauma caused by the prospect of having to give evidence in court and face cross examination mean many complainants simply won’t go ahead. Add to that many women, face a huge amount of pressure and coercion from friends and family of the accused to withdraw their accusations because it will “ruin” his life. The truth is that unless you were right there the whole time, you don’t know that any accusations were false. The people who lie when it comes to rape are the rapists.

OP I would be lacing up my running shoes and getting the hell out of there. As pp said, this is like two doors and one has a tiger behind it. I think a better analogy is that you have two options - one is to get in the swimming pool that may or may not have a great white shark swimming in it. The other option is to simply walk away, stay safe and happy and continue on with your life. It’s not a difficult call is it?!

And once more for those in the back! This ^^^