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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

What to think! Guy I am dating told me something?

550 replies

Musinglife11 · 17/02/2022 19:03

Went on a third date with a guy. He is nice and we connect well. I just felt comfortable around him.

He told me a few years back he was arrested and investigated for attempted rape. He was accused by an ex as revenge. He was investigated for 6 months, but charges dropped ( no further evidence?). He said it tore his life apart as he couldn’t work and nearly suffered a breakdown.

Said it was a revenge accusation. It didn't happen, but he wanted to be honest. He showed me emails from the police saying no further evidence. He said she got investigated for false allegations but police decided not to charge.

I spoke to a friend who is a police detective and he said it will most likely be false as it was investigated very quickly as these things can take up to a year or more.

How would you feel being told this? I am undecided as he seems really nice and was broken telling me. But it has made me slow things down, as it was very serious allegation that got investigated!

OP posts:
CaptSkippy · 18/02/2022 13:57

@saraclara

My heart bleeds more for the vast many more rape victims out there who aren't believed and barely ever get a conviction even if they do report. Could be our daughters, mothers, other halves, actually probably a lot of us on this thread.

Would you honestly not care if your brother or son was falsely accused? Because many many women aren't believed, makes no difference to one individual whose life could be ruined for ever. It's possible surely to be agonised for both a daughter who was raped AND a son who's been falsely accused?

As I said way back, I knew a woman who was shamelessly open about telling us that she had accused an ex boyfriend of rape, as revenge. It happens, and for that person it's devastating.

How would you know it was false? Perhaps he really did rape someone. Would you still defend your borther if there was no evidence of the victim lying?
ForTheHorde · 18/02/2022 14:02

@kgov1

Surely if he had done something he just wouldn't have told you about all of this. Nothing wrong with being cautioys and checking everything out but if it comes back clear, I think I would continue with the relationship.

If what he says is true, I feel really sorry for the poor guy especially as a mother of two sons.

Why would you continue the relationship if you felt you have to be cautious - just in case? There's plenty of men out there that you can start a relationship without that niggling concern that they might rape you.

I am the mother of a son. Did you know men are more likely to be a victim or rape rather than falsely accused? In fact, a channel 4 fact check suggested that a man is 203 times MORE LIKELY to be raped than accused. Think about that when showing concern for your sons

www.channel4.com/news/factcheck/factcheck-men-are-more-likely-to-be-raped-than-be-falsely-accused-of-rape

Whilst it is possible this guy is telling the truth, I would still sooner make it clear than men are more likely to assault (physically or sexually) other men than women are to make false accusations to the police.

SGChome20 · 18/02/2022 14:07

How was he after he told you? Was he desperate for you to believe him and wanting to move on from it quickly? Or did he give you space to consider things and ask questions etc?

Personally for me I don't think I'd ever be able to shake that niggle of 'what if he did' so after 3 dates much as I may think I like him I'd end it.

knittingaddict · 18/02/2022 14:16

Why would any woman want to give this man a chance? There are literally millions of men out there who have never been accused of rape. Pick one of those.

tillytown · 18/02/2022 14:17

Every single women I know has either been raped or sexual assaulted, myself included, yet not one of the men has ever been to prison for it. Whenever someone goes on about false claims they are probably talking shit because they don't want to admit their brother, son, husband, etc is a rapist.

knittingaddict · 18/02/2022 14:25

@Undercity

I'll tell you my story.

Guy I was with told me the same thing. A few years back he was falsely accused by an ex, spent a night in jail before the investigation, which eventually stopped due to lack of evidence (she never admitted to lying). Okay, fine, he was working in a job with an enhanced DBS, too, so I wasn't too worried.

While I was with him he got arrested again. Messages between him and a girl had come to light suggesting predatory behaviour. They were taken out of context; he got released and charges dropped. Told me the girl had also falsely accused him of rape when he was a teen and obviously still was "after him" (for revenge). How bad can luck be that something like that happened twice?

Then a girl at work accused him of inappropriate behaviour. No evidence again and the girl had form for lying. He eventually left that job.

We split, for many reasons - mostly because I had come to see how my own boundaries weren't being respected. Little things like continuously calling even when I was busy. And talking me round sexual things I hadn't initially agreed to. And sulking when we hadn't had sex for 3 weeks in a row because circumstances stopped it. Funnily enough he always emphasised how important consent was for him.

Then he took up another post. I found out later he got sacked about a month in; people wouldn't say why. I know he is still working in the same profession, still needs the enhanced DBS.

Now, being accused once - shit happens. Being accused twice, how unlucky must you be. But taking it all together and now I am not so sure.

If you do decide to keep seeing him, look out for little signs. Does he respect boundaries. Is there other history you don't know. Then make your decision based on that.

Do NOT rely on mutual friends or his friends to tell you how things have been. Chances are, they will never actually see the true person.

Exactly.

The man I mentioned in an earlier post was forced to resign from a very good job due to his sexual harrassment of a woman who worked for him. There is a history of the "issues" he has with women he works with. On the surface he seems like a normal, middle class man. His friends wouldn't have a clue about this.

Feedingthebirds1 · 18/02/2022 15:29

@knittingaddict

Why would any woman want to give this man a chance? There are literally millions of men out there who have never been accused of rape. Pick one of those.
But if you follow the statistics about rape, which have been quoted often on the thread, the fact that they haven't been accused doesn't mean they haven't raped anyone. Or that they haven't yet but are capable of it.

Any relationship with any man is a leap in the dark as far as that's concerned.

phizog · 18/02/2022 15:59

He showed me emails from the police saying no further evidence. He said she got investigated for false allegations but police decided not to charge.

Has he showed you similar emails from the police that she was investigated for false allegations but not charged? Because if they sent him emails about the case being dropped due to no evidence, they would also have sent him an email or some communication about her being investigated for false allegations. Because if she was being investigated or charged, he'd be the victim and they would have emailed him on the status. I have received police emails about a case they were investigating where I was the victim to let me know if they were going to pursue it or not, and why not.

If he doesn't have email evidence, I'd call BS on the false allegation claim he's talking about. He would have some evidence of it.

DdraigGoch · 18/02/2022 16:33

@ForTheHorde

According to Rape Crisis, 85,000 women are raped per year. If we take the 3% figure from earlier then there are 2,550 false accusations per year. Is it really so hard to believe that a handful of people on a busy forum may know someone who really has been falsely accused?

Using those same figures, don’t you think it’s even harder to believe that no one actually knows a rapist and that they are all falsely accused.

As most rapists don't get caught, there will be many people who do know rapists but are unaware of the fact.
ManicPixie · 18/02/2022 16:38

I think that he told you so early on reflects well on him, but whether that’s enough is up to you.

Gardeningcreature · 18/02/2022 18:46

After reading comments on here I would say run a mile.
You do not owe him anything.
I don't know any one at all who has been falsely accused of rape, I do know lots of rape evictions though.
Seriously the chances of being wrongly accused of rape are so low, it really brings it home when you realise that a man is far more likely to be raped himself than be falsely accused of rape.

Terfydactyl · 18/02/2022 19:02

@phizog

He showed me emails from the police saying no further evidence. He said she got investigated for false allegations but police decided not to charge.

Has he showed you similar emails from the police that she was investigated for false allegations but not charged? Because if they sent him emails about the case being dropped due to no evidence, they would also have sent him an email or some communication about her being investigated for false allegations. Because if she was being investigated or charged, he'd be the victim and they would have emailed him on the status. I have received police emails about a case they were investigating where I was the victim to let me know if they were going to pursue it or not, and why not.

If he doesn't have email evidence, I'd call BS on the false allegation claim he's talking about. He would have some evidence of it.

I said further back, I could fake an email from a police force in about 3 minutes.

For OP or anyone in future reading this, an email is not proof.

Original poster
Musinglife11 · 18/02/2022 20:16

Thank you all for the replies. I did t mean did it to get heated.

He gave me time to think about it. Which I am doing.

OP posts:
kgov1 · 18/02/2022 21:18

I am no rape apologist. If you read what I said, I was saying IF he is innocent I feel sorry for him.

TracyMosby · 18/02/2022 21:50

@kgov1

I am no rape apologist. If you read what I said, I was saying IF he is innocent I feel sorry for him.
You dont even know him. Think about why you jumped to this, rather than the FAR MORE STATISTICALLY LIKELY scenario that he got away with rape as the VAST MAJORITY of rapists in the uk do.
lemmein · 19/02/2022 00:25

I wonder if all those telling the OP to give this man a chance would give their daughters the same advice about a new relationship? I doubt it.

lemmein · 19/02/2022 00:28

Imagine

DD: 'this new guy I'm seeing has been accused of rape in the past mum - he said he didn't do it and the charges were dropped'

DM: 'aw give him a chance love, some women lie'

Hmm
user1481840227 · 19/02/2022 01:57

According to Rape Crisis, 85,000 women are raped per year. If we take the 3% figure from earlier then there are 2,550 false accusations per year. Is it really so hard to believe that a handful of people on a busy forum may know someone who really has been falsely accused?

The real number of rapes has to be far higher than that, there were 61,158 reported in England and Wales in the year ending June 2021. Maybe Scotland and Northern Ireland bring the total of reported rapes to 85k but the real number has to be far, far higher as so many don't report it.

Momijin · 19/02/2022 05:49

@Really18

A friend of mine put a photo of himself and a new girlfriend on Facebook. A week later the police arrested him on suspicion of rape and a series of serial assaults. It was totally untrue. How do I know? He was on holiday with me in ibiza. There is no possible way he could have been in the UK. Anyhow, he had 6 months off work because of the investigation. He has to declare the investigation when applying for jobs because they do a DBS. He very nearly had a breakdown because of it. She nearly ruined his life because she was jealous.
How did it take the police 6 months to find out he wasn't in the country??
user1481840227 · 19/02/2022 06:02

@really18
How do you know exactly what she accused him of and the dates etc? Did you have access to all of the files?

If it's just based on what he told you then that could be complete lies.

Now of course I don't know either but every single guilty man accused of rape will lie about it and change the story to suit themselves when they are telling people about it, and the vast majority of their family and friends will believe every word they say!

Giraffesandbottoms · 19/02/2022 06:09

Just to share that i know a bloke well who was accused of rape and she was then found to be lying. Was in all the papers. Destroyed him and took ages for him to get over. He’s a great guy and it was appalling and of course I believe him (but she was found to be lying).

I also know someone who went to jail for rape but everyone maintained he was innocent. He sent me an unsolicited dick pic and was accused of prior abuse and I think he’s a total rapist/sexual deviant snd s scumbag.

Unfortunately some women do lie (most dont). If the first guy I mentioned dated he would have to mention it as he was in the papers and I hate to think someone would be put off by this but his evidence of it being a lie is more compelling. Perhaps ask more about this text message that clears him? I would feel better if I could see proof of that somehow. Otherwise trust your gut.

DoNotTouchTheWater · 19/02/2022 06:16

If he told you this 3 dates in, then he must be worried that you’re going to find out about it anyway. If it’s all he said it was, I don’t understand why that would be an issue.

Otherwise this is not dare 3 information (whatever the truth). You don’t share traumatic information like this (since he’s telling you his tale of the trauma of being a victim - whatever the truth).

I’d be very suspicious of anyone telling me anything like this so early on. I can’t think of a good reason for it.

BigFatLiar · 19/02/2022 08:02

I’d be very suspicious of anyone telling me anything like this so early on. I can’t think of a good reason for it

Go on admit it, you've no idea if he's guilty or not but he must be. He's on a no win here, if he didn't say anything he'd be hiding it as he has said he must be up to something (he is a man after all).
Perhaps someone should tell him OP used to steal from friends and family to feed her drug habit but its ok as she doesn't use now (other than the odd recreational) - totally made up but after all there's no smoke without fire. See how he reacts. People love to believe the worst about others, helps them feel good about their own failings.

I suspect that here only OP knows the man and she needs to make up her own mind about what she believes. If she doubts him (and coming on MN seems to suggest that) she should move on.

Awalkintime · 19/02/2022 08:05

Not guilty does not mean innocent.

BigFatLiar · 19/02/2022 08:18

@Awalkintime

Not guilty does not mean innocent.
And from the number of miscarriages of justice guilty doesn't always mean guilty. The verdict is just a case of did the prosecution do a good enough job of convincing the jury, not whether the accused did it or not, and from what I've seen many jurors have made up their mind from the start.

She should move on and let him get on with his life, if he didn't do it he needs people he can rely on not OP, if he did she's well rid.

I always get the impression on MN that on cases like this we should do away with courts and just send any man accused straight to jail.