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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

What to think! Guy I am dating told me something?

550 replies

Musinglife11 · 17/02/2022 19:03

Went on a third date with a guy. He is nice and we connect well. I just felt comfortable around him.

He told me a few years back he was arrested and investigated for attempted rape. He was accused by an ex as revenge. He was investigated for 6 months, but charges dropped ( no further evidence?). He said it tore his life apart as he couldn’t work and nearly suffered a breakdown.

Said it was a revenge accusation. It didn't happen, but he wanted to be honest. He showed me emails from the police saying no further evidence. He said she got investigated for false allegations but police decided not to charge.

I spoke to a friend who is a police detective and he said it will most likely be false as it was investigated very quickly as these things can take up to a year or more.

How would you feel being told this? I am undecided as he seems really nice and was broken telling me. But it has made me slow things down, as it was very serious allegation that got investigated!

OP posts:
TurquoiseDragon · 19/02/2022 16:32

@Darley368

As the survivor of an abusive relationship I can tell you that my exH absolutely did the confiding thing to test my boundaries and when I gave him the benefit of the doubt {because I was 20 and naive) he knew I had passed the test and would make a great victim. We were married for 20 years and I was completely broken by the end of it.

I also know no less than five women who have been raped. Of them only one was involved in a successful prosecution and that was only because other women came forward too. The others were dropped by the police very quickly. NFA is the norm in rape cases, you can't place any reliance on it.

Walk away OP, you don't owe him a relationship.

I was with my ex for 30 years. I was 18 and astonishingly naive when I met him. He also claimed his ex was a nasty person (she's nice, actually, we're now friends).

He was abusive, and raped me a few times. I finally got me and the DC away, knowing I'd never be able to prove anything.

He's dead now, I feel nothing but relief.

TurquoiseDragon · 19/02/2022 16:42

@Scout2016

Out of interest, for all of us who have suffered sexual assault, or know someone who has, how many know a man who admits to being a perpetrator?

In my personal life and work I have known or read the assessments of hundreds of victims and yet only one man who admitted being a perpetrator. Doesn't tally does it?

I've known a number of women who have been victims of sexual assault and/or rape. I don't know any man who has admitted to being a perpetrator.

I was raped by my ex. He would never, ever admit to it, even to me. He always passed it off as "rough sex", claiming I'd enjoyed it.

Which is why I'd not see this bloke again in OP's shoes. I don't want to risk putting myself into harm's way.

lemmein · 19/02/2022 17:19

Just to expand on my earlier post, for those who believe a disclosure shows honesty.

My DD met her ex when she was 16. He had recently come out of prison - he told her he had been imprisoned for having sex with his underage gf, which was technically true (he was a couple of years older)

However, what he didn't disclose was he had been to court for raping 2 girls - one was his ex, the other completely separate. He admitted to sex but, like the previous post by the lawyer said, claimed it was consensual. He was found not guilty if both rape charges, however, as his gf was underage and he'd admitted to sex he was convicted of sex with an underage girl. He'd already served his sentence on remand so was released and put on the sex offenders register.

As my DD was 16 (or maybe she would have anyway?) she was visited by the officer who monitored him and they disclosed he had been to prison for having sex with a minor - she already knew that, he'd told her - she'd heard rumours about the rape allegations but as the police confirmed what he had told her, and no more, she believed him.

I later spoke to the girls mums. What they told me was horrific and the next 2 years were a living hell. He had actually been accused by 8 different girls, on separate occasions, but each time the girls withdrew their complaints, presumably because they'd seen the outcome of the 2 that went to court, and how their names were dragged through the mud on FB.

He raped my DD, many times I think through coercion, one through physical force. Thankfully she eventually got away from him.

I spoke to the officer who monitored him on many occasions, she said that I could apply for more info through Clare's law, however in doing so I'd have to sign a NDA - no chance, what I already knew was bad enough, and no way was I being silent about it. I also assumed the disclosure would likely 'just' be 'he went to prison for having sex with a minor' - I don't think they would've disclosed accusations? Whatever though, I wouldn't sign.

I keep an eye on this man on fb - if your DD ever got into a relationship with him you'd receive an anonymous (to protect my DD) message from me, or one if his other victims mums, to say exactly what he'd been accused of - no doubt he'd tell your DD it was malicious, and judging by some of the responses on here, you'd advise her to believe him?

I blame the police/system for colluding with him which led to the abuse of my DD. Had they told her he had been accused at least 8 times of rape maybe her young brain might've been jolted out if 'being kind'. Instead they reaffirmed his lies.

Those messages saying 'give him a chance' 'what if it was your son?' blah blah are really making me angry, but I accept most wouldn't have experience of the system so trust it wholeheartedly but please believe me when I say, advising a woman, on an anonymous forum to trust a man with previous allegations against him, based on nothing, is dangerous. Ultimately it's up to the OP to decide, and maybe he is telling the truth, however you are advising a complete stranger to use herself as bait to test this man's word. Stop it.

Blue4YOU · 19/02/2022 17:22

@Catswhisky
We’re the two men prosecuted and found not guilty?

AlwaysOutside · 19/02/2022 17:25

I swear I've read this exact thread before

CanofCant · 19/02/2022 17:33

I'd drop him like a rock.

Blue4YOU · 19/02/2022 17:38

Here’s a thought - all the people saying the person making up a rape story/sexual assault etc ruined a person’s life..
How does this come about?
The police do not publish details of anyone of whom it has been alleged sexually assaulted someone.
No-one would find anything online about the doctor who sexually assaulted me (well not yet!).
Also, despite the police investigation ending in NFA and it not even being referred to the CPS, the hospital solicitor still argues the police doing nothing means nothing happened
How do I I know the police the police believed me? Because I was successful at a CICA claim (I’m pursuing legal action, still ongoing) based on the police’s evidence.
I’m sure that hateful cunt doctor goes around telling everyone about the poor deluded woman who thinks he tried it on with her - because that’s all he can say.
He didn’t know my title is also doctor. He never thought I’d go to the police. He never thought I’d go to the GMC. He knew the hospital would know he’s in a same sex marriage and happily agreed he didn’t do it.
He doesn’t know what else is coming his way.
Sure - false allegations happen.
But who goes around releasing the information?
The poor rapist?
Their family?
I’m guessing everyone who claims to know such a woman will say .. the horrible woman.
But how does “everyone” get to know if the person was charged or NFA’d etc.
I think there’s a big bias in how the “but I wasn’t prosecuted “ means the police believed someone reporting was lying.. because the accused go around telling people that.
I’ve never heard of a police officer telling an accused (of anything) person “oh we don’t think you did it” and accept an accuser was lying but didn’t prosecute.
I mean that’s be unethical, perverse and something the “accused” could use to take criminal and civil action against the accuser.
Especially if they lost their jobs etc from the “false” accusations.
I therefore think men spread the “she lied” story like wildfire before the police/CPS take action so that when no action happens we all sigh a big sigh of relief and love our friends etc who were “falsely accused”.
I can tell you if I were accused of sexually assaulting someone I’d be telling no-one.
The media wouldn’t have the story.
HR at work couldn’t say why I’d been suspended or whatever.
How would “everyone know”? There would have to be a lot of people listening to the accuser, which I find frankly ludicrous unless the accused is such a big mouth and knows thousands of people.
The oh I know someone falsely accused because the police did nothing and/or told the accused the accuser was lying is bullshit.

ohdelay · 19/02/2022 18:50

@ManicPixie

I think that he told you so early on reflects well on him, but whether that’s enough is up to you.
I think him telling you now is a test to see if you have any boundaries and a scrap of self preservation. DO NOT fail this test OP.
cuno · 19/02/2022 20:06

The rape apologists are out in force again I see.

All this "what if it was your son?" If your son was accused of rape, how do you know it's untrue? Just because he's your son? Every rapist is someone's son. Hmm

Who will ever think of our daughters? Women have to look out for our own. Every single woman on this thread telling OP he sounds like a nice enough bloke, he sounds honest, give him a chance OP... you ought to be ashamed of yourselves.

rambleonplease · 19/02/2022 20:13

@cuno

The rape apologists are out in force again I see.

All this "what if it was your son?" If your son was accused of rape, how do you know it's untrue? Just because he's your son? Every rapist is someone's son. Hmm

Who will ever think of our daughters? Women have to look out for our own. Every single woman on this thread telling OP he sounds like a nice enough bloke, he sounds honest, give him a chance OP... you ought to be ashamed of yourselves.

Why should people be ashamed of themselves for this? We do not know this man at all, neither do we know the OP or the woman who has accused him of rape. Who is to say that this is not a false allegation or if the rape really happened? NONE of us know. The only person who can decide if she chooses to trust this man and give him the benefit or not is the OP. There really is not enough for anyone to go on here! It's the OPs call.
lemmein · 19/02/2022 20:16

Why should people be ashamed of themselves for this?

Because some posters are tripping over themselves to advise the OP to give him a chance based on, as you rightly said, nothing!

rambleonplease · 19/02/2022 20:17

@lemmein

Why should people be ashamed of themselves for this?

Because some posters are tripping over themselves to advise the OP to give him a chance based on, as you rightly said, nothing!

But ultimately either side of the coin, none of us know enough. Really the OP has to do more digging and ask more questions. It's not enough here to be so black and white about it.
cuno · 19/02/2022 20:26

Why should people be ashamed of themselves for this?

Statistically he is far more likely to be a rapist. People are advising OP to give him a chance just in case he's not a rapist. Women trying to guilt trip other women about being kind. Fuck off with that. If she walks away, even if he didn't do it... so what? But if she gives him a chance because of people here pleading her to, then what if she ends up being raped? After all, he is more likely to be a rapist going by the stats. I find it sickening and shameful that other women are trying to make a woman give this "poor man" a chance.

All this talk about "what about our sons", you all honestly claim you would advise your daughters the same as you are advising OP? If that's the case I pity any of you who have daughters, they deserve someone who prioritises their safety not the feelings of men. Shit parenting tbh if true.

That's why people ought to be ashamed advising OP this. But clearly they have no shame considering they spout it in the first place.

AnnieSnap · 19/02/2022 20:26

@lemmein

Why should people be ashamed of themselves for this?

Because some posters are tripping over themselves to advise the OP to give him a chance based on, as you rightly said, nothing!

👆 yes, this!
cuno · 19/02/2022 20:30

Really the OP has to do more digging and ask more questions

She wasn't in the room when the girl was allegedly raped, she cannot know either way. It's only been three dates, she has no skin in this game. This isn't a husband, this is basically stranger, so why torture yourself with digging whereby at the end of it you still don't know for sure? Why not just walk away? He's not the last bloody man on the planet, plenty more out there.

UserWithNoUserName · 19/02/2022 20:35

I think this is a tricky one. There is of course a chance he is telling the truth. But theres just as much chance he's not.

Awalkintime · 19/02/2022 20:41

But ultimately either side of the coin
It isn't either side of the coin as that would give a 50/50 probability. If we are to use probability language then we can use it accurately based on statistics of those reported, unreported etc.

The probability he is lying is almost certain given how rare false allegations are. The probability that he is telling the truth is highly unlikely.

Blue4YOU · 19/02/2022 21:05

Want to know why it’s most likely a lie?
Because there’s no way the police told him they had proof /believed/thought the accuser was a liar.
That’s why everything he chooses to say is very unlikely to be a lie (about this scenario).
Or you know- maybe he’s a wannabe rapist - seeing what the OP thinks about it. And if he does rape her she can feel even more to blame than she might otherwise feel.
Has he sought to take legal action against the alleged accuser? No? Even though there’s evidence she lied?
Guess why - because it’s bullshit.
And NO HE WILL NOT APPEAR IN A GOOGLE SEARCH for being investigated.
If he had been charged - yes. Not if it was NFA.
Educate yourselves!
Give him a chance at your peril

Blue4YOU · 19/02/2022 21:05

Very likely not unlikely

Blue4YOU · 19/02/2022 21:08

And as far as the Op goes - the Op hasn’t even been clear/told whether he was investigated or charged - big difference.
She says .. the charges were dropped.
If he was charged, then that’s a MUCH bigger red flag than anything anyone can say on here with no other information.
Plus- never say never but the police “dropped charges” by email..?

lottiegarbanzo · 19/02/2022 22:03

But ultimately either side of the coin, none of us know enough. Really the OP has to do more digging and ask more questions. It's not enough here to be so black and white about it.

You what?

OP doesn't HAVE to do anything. What are you on about?

LeonardBobby · 19/02/2022 22:13

@lemmein

I spoke to the officer who monitored him on many occasions, she said that I could apply for more info through Clare's law, however in doing so I'd have to sign a NDA - no chance, what I already knew was bad enough, and no way was I being silent about it. I also assumed the disclosure would likely 'just' be 'he went to prison for having sex with a minor' - I don't think they would've disclosed accusations? Whatever though, I wouldn't sign.

A Clare's law disclosure would have covered the accusations, not just convictions. I know that wouldn't have made much difference to you because it was signing the nda that put you off, but I didn't want anyone reading to think it wouldn't be worth making a a Clare's law application because it would only reveal convictions.

lemmein · 19/02/2022 22:36

[quote LeonardBobby]@lemmein

I spoke to the officer who monitored him on many occasions, she said that I could apply for more info through Clare's law, however in doing so I'd have to sign a NDA - no chance, what I already knew was bad enough, and no way was I being silent about it. I also assumed the disclosure would likely 'just' be 'he went to prison for having sex with a minor' - I don't think they would've disclosed accusations? Whatever though, I wouldn't sign.

A Clare's law disclosure would have covered the accusations, not just convictions. I know that wouldn't have made much difference to you because it was signing the nda that put you off, but I didn't want anyone reading to think it wouldn't be worth making a a Clare's law application because it would only reveal convictions.[/quote]
Thanks @LeonardBobby for clarifying. I did wonder after I'd posted so had a google and ended up reading a post on Reddit from some bloke complaining about his human rights being compromised 'cos the police keep informing gf's of prior complaints against him for harassment (of 2 different women Hmm) even though he had no convictions so I suspected my assumptions may have been wrong. Good to know, thank you.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 19/02/2022 22:58

But ultimately either side of the coin, none of us know enough. Really the OP has to do more digging and ask more questions. It's not enough here to be so black and white about it.

"Has to"?!

Women are not obliged to research men in detail before coming to a conclusion.

Women (and men) are perfectly at liberty to stop seeing someone they've met three times because they've disclosed they vote Tory or have a Take That tattoo let alone a previous rape accusation.

We don't owe men a relationship. We certainly don't owe them research Ffs.

rambleonplease · 19/02/2022 23:24

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