Would this upset you or is it fair enough?

[Fezzco]

Been with dh 7 years and have one toddler together. We had some difficulties last year and nearly split, think lockdown was a bit of a pressure cooker and it was a result of a hard few years. We kept it very private and ended up working through it. I only confided at the time in a few friends.

One friend I confided in at the time I've grown more distant from in the last year, I've tried to meet up but we never seem to be free at the same time and we haven't seen each other, messages fizzled down to not many or not often. She didn't reply to my last message a few months ago, not an issue but it means when we found out I was pregnant (totally unplanned) she wasn't high on my list to tell

I posted a picture today just of toddler wearing a big brother jumper indicating that baby number is on the way. She messaged me basically straight away saying "Seriously? How have we gone from a crumbling relationship to a pregnancy announcement? It's not going to make anything better."

I spoke to her about our issues when we met up during that time period, it was April last year. I'm a little upset for her to taint what should be happy news by bringing it all back up and acting like I'm having some band aid baby? AIBU to be upset or do I need to take it on the chin given that she knows we nearly broke up? It just kind of changed the tone of the news a bit, I don't know.

I've not read all responses, just yours, OP. I just thought I'd give a piece of advice I heard a million years ago which has served me well: don't tell anyone the worst, dramatic details of your relationship, unless you're literally on your way out the door or are in need of assistance to escape something awful. Because far too often, the relationships are mended, but those people you confided in can only remember the really awful things you told them, and their perspective is tough to change after that. This might be accurate (because they're removed from the situation, they aren't muddled by personal feelings) or not (they haven't been there to see all the work you've both put into fixing the relationship). But it is true.

Also yes count me as someone who also would have been thinking it. For the above reason. I can't switch on and off my concern for a friend who has confided in me.

As she's barely messaged you she's got a cheek as she doesn't even know how things are now

I think you should be proud of yourselves as a couple for working through your problems and coming out stronger the other side of them. As has already been said, you hadn’t seen her for a while so she was making assumptions that your relationship was still the same, and what she said was horrible - and no, I wouldn’t have thought it, never mind said it.. To suggest you had a baby to keep your relationship together isn’t very nice. I don’t think she’s the type of ‘friend’ I would be confiding in in the future - in fact I think I’d be swerving around her.

@Theseleavesweremadeforcrunchin

I would tell her where to go and I wouldn't feel one ounce of guilt about it. How horrible, she must be so unhappy in her own life to try and spoil this for you.

This. Absolutely. Congratulations on your happy news and good luck with the new baby op. Forget her and move on.

Looks like your distant friend has over stepped a boundary and may be more of an emotional drain to you because she does not even have the decency to be kind and sympathetic or positive abour your new baby.

I would rather be surounded by positive people and back away from those who pull me down.

Congrats.
Never ever confide in anyone but a deepest closest friend from childhood.

I knew a mum at ds's primary school; her old opposite neighbour had moved on and her son (same age as primary mum) and ds ended up at prep together. Primary mum had said oh x yes at that school. Do you know them - oh yes said I, not well but she has 4 dc now. Lovely family. Out toppled ooh well pg three nearly broke the marriage and it was pretty shit anyway - we used to have heart to hearts.

When the boys were about 12 it came out that I knew the primary mother. The prep mother went completely ashen. It was quite sad.

Primary mum was a bitch BTW and I had her number from day one of meeting her.

Delete her comment and block her. She shouldn't have broken your confidence regardless of what she thinks.

It sounds like she lost respect for you when you stayed together and that's why she's been distant. Was your DH abusive by any chance?

Actually, I think she was being a very good friend based on the last knowledge she knew.
Everyone needs that negative 'keeping it real' friend.
As someone who got divorced during the pandemic from someone I probably shouldn't have married anyway, I wish I had someone like her to tell me straight before hand that what I was worried about and the types of things that went on in my relationship weren't normal and to get the fuck out of there.
Instead all I got was "yeah, but all couples disagree on stuff" "all relationships have problems, it's normal" and I felt like the unreasonable one.
So now I am that friend. Because I will never let anyone else make the same mistakes. It might sound negative, but they are the things that need to be said sometimes.
Once you set her straight it'll be fine.
Might seem like a strange way of showing it, but she's got your back whether it's a year or a week since you've spoken.
Keep her.

@Cinnamonhazelnut

Actually, I think she was being a very good friend based on the last knowledge she knew. Everyone needs that negative 'keeping it real' friend. As someone who got divorced during the pandemic from someone I probably shouldn't have married anyway, I wish I had someone like her to tell me straight before hand that what I was worried about and the types of things that went on in my relationship weren't normal and to get the fuck out of there. Instead all I got was "yeah, but all couples disagree on stuff" "all relationships have problems, it's normal" and I felt like the unreasonable one. So now I am that friend. Because I will never let anyone else make the same mistakes. It might sound negative, but they are the things that need to be said sometimes. Once you set her straight it'll be fine. Might seem like a strange way of showing it, but she's got your back whether it's a year or a week since you've spoken. Keep her.

The baby has already happened and the OP clearly isn't aborting it, so the only point of saying it is to be unpleasant not 'keeping it real'. I had a woman message me and say pretty much the same thing when I was pregnant with my son. It did absolutely nothing to change my situation other than to piss me off, and I assume, to make her feel she was better than me.

Don’t allow negativity to upset you, you’ve been perfectly fine without her. Revel in your happiness and move on from her.

OP I don’t understand all these posters saying they’d agree with your so called mate. Are marriages meant to fail if you have a rough patch? No. The point in marriage is that your work on it and try to make it work. And well done for succeeding. This pessimistic attitude towards patching up a marriage is why divorce is so common place these days. And planned or unplanned, that is literally no one’s business. Unless your DH done / is doing something unforgivable people (especially your “friends”) should be happy that you worked things out. This thread gives me no hope in humanity Congratulations on your new baby, think hard about your circle for future ref and i’d ditch that so called friend. She sounds bitter and rude AF. Go enjoy being happy and excited

Hasn’t messaged you back? For a few months? Then thinks it’s perfectly ok to message you that? Not a friend you need if you ask me. She has no knowledge of your current situation with other half and even if your not in the best place now even still you just don’t do that is she for real?
Your friends should be happy for you, be there for you when things are tough and happy for you when your happy. I would send her a message back
I’ve not heard from you for months I’m not sure what your impression is of this situation but let’s not get into it. When you next have time to meet up let’s do it.
I bet you don’t hear from her.
Just out of interest.. does she have children? Partner? I’m going to make a guess one of them is no. And this is coming from a jealous place. OR…. she for what ever reason wanted you to finish with your partner.

This pessimistic attitude towards patching up a marriage is why divorce is so common place these days.

No it's not. You really believe that alotbof divorces are people just divorcing on a whim and they didn't bother trying to work on their marriage?

Sounds exactly like an ex friend I had. I found put later down the line it was jealousy that I was having another child we haven't spoke since.

I forgot to say OP, congratulations on the baby. Also, I would ditch your so called friend. I agree with other posters, she sounds jealous.

She shouldn't have said that. It was pretty rude.

I might have been thinking it though.
Several years isn't just a rough patch.

Wow. That is pretty fucking rude! I am fairly straight talking myself, and I would never, ever say that. I might think it, but ultimately, a new baby is always wonderful news. I would be tempted to reply "seriously? How have we gone from unanswered texts to you, thinking you have the right to text me in such a manner?"

Also, OP, I would say a lot of the time you should be quite guarded about your relationship. Friends have this way of getting it twisted and very ready to tell you what you should do, but wouldn't ever follow their own advice!! It sounds to me like you're being very unfairly treated here, and I just want to say congratulations on your wonderful news! Xx

I just can't believe she said it to you. A close friend of mine went through something similar and while I thought the same... would never dream of commenting about it.

There's absolutely nothing wrong with sharing problems with your friends so don't feel bad that you told her.
It's really good to talk things through to get another perspective.

I also can understand why your friend would be concerned that less than a year after serious issues in your relationship that you'd be announcing another pregnancy and I'm guessing you're 12 weeks plus.

I would assume it's coming from love and concern. As you already know, having a baby is a huge pressure on a relationship.

A friend of mine had a horrible pregnancy, her partner was fucking useless and fairly absent so I was privately horrified when she announced baby number two tbh. Unfortunately I was right and he's now a weekend Disney dad to two kids.

Sorry, missed that she should have kept her trap shut and focused on supporting you.

Maybe if she isn’t in a stable relationship she saw your difficulties with your Oh as similar to hers and worth breaking up over. It’s very different when in a committed relationship with children.

From your perspective it sounds like it was the first hurdle you both had to navigate and a toddler and pandemic has likely thrown a hurdle in front of many couples.

If it were me I would have hoped that you both had resolved any issues and sent you a message of congratulations as you clearly had posted about the pregnancy in moments of joy. If she had said “Congratulations! Lovely to see that you and oh are back on track.” it would have been appropriate as she would have acknowledged your wonderful news and left the message open for you to respond about the relationship of you felt you wanted to.

Don’t let her annoy you any more. You know that your relationship is good again and you’ve a lovely little baby to grow now. Who knows what her issue is but it’s not your concern. Keep well and let it go. 😊

She should never have said that. No matter what she thinks, it’s happening so there’s no point to her comment other than to make you feel bad.