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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Would this upset you or is it fair enough?

262 replies

Fezzco · 17/02/2022 17:00

Been with dh 7 years and have one toddler together. We had some difficulties last year and nearly split, think lockdown was a bit of a pressure cooker and it was a result of a hard few years. We kept it very private and ended up working through it. I only confided at the time in a few friends.

One friend I confided in at the time I've grown more distant from in the last year, I've tried to meet up but we never seem to be free at the same time and we haven't seen each other, messages fizzled down to not many or not often. She didn't reply to my last message a few months ago, not an issue but it means when we found out I was pregnant (totally unplanned) she wasn't high on my list to tell

I posted a picture today just of toddler wearing a big brother jumper indicating that baby number is on the way. She messaged me basically straight away saying "Seriously? How have we gone from a crumbling relationship to a pregnancy announcement? It's not going to make anything better."

I spoke to her about our issues when we met up during that time period, it was April last year. I'm a little upset for her to taint what should be happy news by bringing it all back up and acting like I'm having some band aid baby? AIBU to be upset or do I need to take it on the chin given that she knows we nearly broke up? It just kind of changed the tone of the news a bit, I don't know.

OP posts:
Staffy1 · 18/02/2022 18:00

I’d be tempted to tell her if she had bothered to reply to your last message or stay in touch she would know you had patched things up.

Staffy1 · 18/02/2022 18:01

@chattycaterpillar

jhthtcfkuytfouy
Has the cat been on the keyboard?
Cissyandflora · 18/02/2022 18:04

@Howeverdoyouneedme

Mmm. I’m torn. On the one hand I would no way say what she said to you, but I would absolutely think it.
Yes me too. Exactly this. But I definitely wouldn’t say it. That’s horrible. Congratulations on your baby.
me4real · 18/02/2022 18:05

I can see her point, but she spoke like a bitch and doesn't sound like a friend.

cherish123 · 18/02/2022 18:07

I would think it but probably wouldn't be so tactless.

ThreeRingCircus · 18/02/2022 18:10

It's an unbelievably rude and unkind message for her to send you. I can see why she may feel that way but to say it to you, in such a tactless way is horrible. It's not something a friend would say, it's designed to make you feel like shit.

I have to agree that I'd respond like a PP "If you had bothered to reply to my messages/keep in touch you would know that DH and I have worked through it but thank you for your helpful input!"

CallmeBadJanet · 18/02/2022 18:10

@Fezzco It will only taint your happy news if you let it. In other news, she ain't no friend...

Mumontour85 · 18/02/2022 18:11

Tell anyone that wants to judge you for your relationship having hard time through a global pandemic to fuck right off.
They can think what they like - EVERYONE struggled in the pandemic, some people it was their own mental health, some it was relationships, some it was work.

You DON'T OWE ANYONE AN EXPLANATION for your life working out and you and your husband making it through and making it work.

Fucking hell, people are such assholes. How dare she pop up in your life after effectively ghosting you just to be mean?! Block her and move on. Same with people on here, you've given a tiny snapshot into your life and they're all surprised you're having another baby with your husband?!!

I'm delighted you and your hubby have worked it out and congratulations on the impending arrival!

PeachyPeachTrees · 18/02/2022 18:11

The last time she heard from you, your relationship was on the rocks and she based her comment on this. A whole year has passed and your relationship is fine now. It doesn't excuse her rude comment.
I suggest you enjoy your new baby and forget about her.

Pigeonsdontliketrucks · 18/02/2022 18:19

Congrats OP. Glad you and DH sorted everything out.
Don’t be too hard on your friend though, last thing she knew was that your relationship was not in such a good place. She was tactless in her response but at least you know she won’t ever sugar coat her advice!

nanbread · 18/02/2022 18:23

My guess is that they don't like your do and were hoping you'd split up

OutrageousFlavourLikeFreesias · 18/02/2022 18:24

Being very honest, I can understand why she's a bit worried for you. But I can't imagine what possessed her to say it. Your baby is on the way, and whatever happens with your marriage, I'm sure they will be loved, cherished and taken care of. All she's done is upset you at what should be a happy, special time. I hope everything goes well and you and DH find much happiness from now on.

oakleaffy · 18/02/2022 18:26

More children tend to act as wedges, not glue if a relationship has had prior issues.
Hence other's cynicism.
Only time will tell if it works out or not.

PeakyBlender · 18/02/2022 18:27

What a nasty bitch. I wouldn't bother replying and would block her on Facebook

Sventon · 18/02/2022 18:27

I’m happy for you. Had I been your friend and hadn’t been in contact with you I would likely have called you and asked how you were and letting you know I’d seen the post. I’d have commented on how lovely the older child was also. I would have asked how you were both getting along and given you the space and opportunity to tell me that you had obviously worked it all out and I would have said I’m delighted for you. Too many people jump in with opinions when they don’t know the full story. Sad really. Also, it’s no one’s business except yours and even had your pregnancy been one which was designed to hold your relationship together. If you were to split, it doesn’t mean you would have wanted your baby any less.
Congratulations xxx

MrsLauraM · 18/02/2022 18:31

@Mumontour85

Tell anyone that wants to judge you for your relationship having hard time through a global pandemic to fuck right off. They can think what they like - EVERYONE struggled in the pandemic, some people it was their own mental health, some it was relationships, some it was work.

You DON'T OWE ANYONE AN EXPLANATION for your life working out and you and your husband making it through and making it work.

Fucking hell, people are such assholes. How dare she pop up in your life after effectively ghosting you just to be mean?! Block her and move on. Same with people on here, you've given a tiny snapshot into your life and they're all surprised you're having another baby with your husband?!!

I'm delighted you and your hubby have worked it out and congratulations on the impending arrival!

Agree wholeheartedly with this!!

She’s quite clearly not been concerned about your ‘crumbling relationship’ previously as she hasn’t bothered to check in with you about how things are going, yet all of a sudden she’s able to find the time to contact you purely to put a dampener on a happy announcement?! I just don’t get friends like this.

Suzi888 · 18/02/2022 18:34

Hmm I wouldn’t say it over a message, but possibly face to face.
Depends on a lot of things, obviously not if I thought friend was truly happy and the relationship was back on track.
Do you think it’s because you didn’t tell her about the baby? She felt left out… had you told her you and your DH were back on track.

Custardtartandcoffee · 18/02/2022 18:48

She sounds spiteful and she certainly doesn’t sound like a friend. I don’t think you dignify her message with a response, and just ignore any further contact from her.

Custardtartandcoffee · 18/02/2022 18:49

*you need to

Batmanontheedge · 18/02/2022 18:49

I personally wouldn't want to be friends with someone who spoke to me that way, or was so dogmatic. Especially tone deaf if you haven't met for ages so she doesn't know things are better. She needs to get a filter.

Debbacat6 · 18/02/2022 18:50

I'd be pretty sure somewhere you've been very selfish and she's felt like a one way listening service.
Has she children?.could she feel you are being smug?

Americano75 · 18/02/2022 18:52

Even if she was right, what on earth was she hoping to achieve by saying it? She sounds like a nasty piece of work.

SquirrelG · 18/02/2022 18:52

Whatever you've told her, and whatever the state of your relationship, this has nothing whatsoever to do with your "friend". Many people have serious relationship issues, and resolve them and move on - it isn't up to her to judge your reasons for having a baby. It's been nearly a year since you confided in her, life changes. Once again just another example of someone "speaking their mind" which actually equates to being plain unpleasant and rude.

billy1966 · 18/02/2022 18:55

@lanthanum

"Haven't seen you for you a few months, so I haven't had a chance to catch you up on how we've managed to work through things. Sorry about that - you know how busy we've both been. A baby last year would have been the last thing we needed, but we've moved on, and we're definitely on the same page now."
Excellent reply.

Your "friend" is one nasty bitch to have taken the time to type up that response to a cute picture.

Just awful.

Noo3329 · 18/02/2022 18:59

Unless I've missed something you had normal chats with a pal as a lot of us do. Your friendship fizzled and she thinks she has any right to comment on how why or where your marriage is? Pregnancy or not? Nothing to do with her, she had the option to ignore, congratulate or attack!
Congratulations by the way 👶

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