Would this upset you or is it fair enough?

[Fezzco]

Been with dh 7 years and have one toddler together. We had some difficulties last year and nearly split, think lockdown was a bit of a pressure cooker and it was a result of a hard few years. We kept it very private and ended up working through it. I only confided at the time in a few friends.

One friend I confided in at the time I've grown more distant from in the last year, I've tried to meet up but we never seem to be free at the same time and we haven't seen each other, messages fizzled down to not many or not often. She didn't reply to my last message a few months ago, not an issue but it means when we found out I was pregnant (totally unplanned) she wasn't high on my list to tell

I posted a picture today just of toddler wearing a big brother jumper indicating that baby number is on the way. She messaged me basically straight away saying "Seriously? How have we gone from a crumbling relationship to a pregnancy announcement? It's not going to make anything better."

I spoke to her about our issues when we met up during that time period, it was April last year. I'm a little upset for her to taint what should be happy news by bringing it all back up and acting like I'm having some band aid baby? AIBU to be upset or do I need to take it on the chin given that she knows we nearly broke up? It just kind of changed the tone of the news a bit, I don't know.

I would never say anything but yes would certainly be thinking it's odd to have another baby less than a year after thinking of splitting.

No she didn't! She's been refusing to respond to OP's messages for months.

Depends what they consisted of has the OP been moaning about Other half for months.

There are two sides to every story, I'm betting the OP isn't as simple as she has made out.

@lanthanum

"Haven't seen you for you a few months, so I haven't had a chance to catch you up on how we've managed to work through things. Sorry about that - you know how busy we've both been. A baby last year would have been the last thing we needed, but we've moved on, and we're definitely on the same page now."

Definitely this.

I don’t think there was any need for her to say it. But you can’t blame her for thinking it

It’s bluntly worded I think most people would think it not say it. To go from almost splitting to pg in a year is a very short time.
Only you and husband know what went on. I’d focus on making sure you have lots of support for when baby 2 arrives.

Don't listen to her or the downers on mn. Relationships go through hard times and good times. Sounds like your on a good place. Husband and I were sat talking about about our divorce and how to start it was a very sad time but the decision had been reached. I was due to visit the gp because I felt so ill and I said sorry to cut this short but I need to get going, i guess I best take a pregnancy test cos that will be the first thing they ask me..... came back in the room a few minutes later crying. Hubby said look let's put the divorce on hold so I can support you ( we have two other children one of whom has health conditions that are going to limit his life). So there we were having a band aid baby. It was hard at first as we tried to live with the issue that nearly cost our marriage. But actually we grew closer again and here I am pregnant again! Glad our band aid came along and saved us.

I think that's very insensitive of her to write something's by like that so quickly in a text. If she really thought that then surely she would be concerned for you not accusatory.

It seems as though she's annoyed that you've not kept in contact with her and she's lashing out.

I think it's silly of her to think that she knows the state of your relationship when you haven't seen her for a while.

The most I would have said is "how do you feel about this? Is everything OK now?" and then I'd be pleased for you...

Covid has been hell on everyone including couples, it's understandable to go through a difficult period.

Talking to a couple of friends whom you trusted is nothing to be ashamed of. Friends should be able to listen to you and be supportive.

They should also have the emotional maturity to realise that relationships are complicated, that they don't know the entire picture, and that things can change over time.

In other words, your friend was a total dick.

Shouldn’t be surprised people are defending this. Bluntness to the point of absolute rudeness seem to be seen as a virtue to some on this site.

OP I think what she said was incredibly rude and I wouldn’t be replying or having any further contact with anyone who messaged me that.

Congratulations on your pregnancy and I hope things with your DH work out x

Fezzco congratulations on your pregnancy and I really hope you will not allow this very cruel and ridiculous comment to bother you.

I would reply, I would just say things had moved on, you've overcome your difficulties and you are both delighted to be having baby number 2.

It's a shame you have lost touch with your 'friend' but to be honest anyone who could say that to you doesn't sound very nice.

Bloody hell both my husband and I have got really strong characters. We used to start drama over absolutely nothing and argue with one another how this absolutely nothing thing would be the end of our marriage 😀 After our first child I had such a severe depression plus DH's work troubles honestly affected us. I remember sharing some absolutely not so serious arguments with my mum and her being almost speechless 'this is horrible, why are you even together then?'. It was just a stage that we pulled through and had our second baby out of the most love for one another. We are so much calmer now.

Now going back to your OP forget about her. Tell her that people as well as relationships change and find new things to fight for and to love and also move forward. Nobody knows your real relationship so why care what they think. I would have thought that you were 2 reasonable adults who made it work through pandemic and that you would make fantastic parents. That would have been it.

Congratulations on your baby!

Your friend is a rude, judgey cow. The message wasn't sent in concern or from a place of care - it was sent in anger and callousness. And I would say this is about her own frustrations at life, rather than you. If she's single or dating or not as established, and you've worked out your problems and are happy together and having a child - there's likely some jealousy there. I suspect it's why she hasn't stayed in touch much.

Best is to ignore what anyone else thinks of your life and your relationship. No one is an expert on relationships and I'm bemused by friends who think they know best. There are ways to be tactful and look out for your friend that don't involve a tone deaf, insensitive message after months of low contact.

I wonder how many women on here would be understanding if their husbands spoke to their friends or their parents about their relationship. On the relationship board, posters always damn a man who runs to 'mummy', as they like to put it.
I once heard the Tavistock Clinic talking about how important it is for men to have someone to offload to about relationship problems.
Let's encourage men to talk to friends and family if they are having these kind of problems. I do feel the double standards shown towards men and women on MN is so wrong.

A baby isn't a solution to a problem. If you told her about a bunch of troubles you'd had with your husband, she'd be worried for you. Her telling you so would mean she was on your side, not your enemy.

@PrincessNutella

A baby isn't a solution to a problem. If you told her about a bunch of troubles you'd had with your husband, she'd be worried for you. Her telling you so would mean she was on your side, not your enemy.

If her friend was so worried about OP then why didn't she call to check on her since that evening with cocktails? Or respond to her messages? People like to say they are so worried about others yet they would not actually proactively do anything else for that person they are so worried about. OP and her husband had some troubles, they talked them through, they put those troubles behind them and moved on to have another child. Thats life. It seems people on MumsNet think that the very same night OP shared her home problems with her friend she went back home and went for it with her husband as a final desperate attempt to save her marriage.

Shocked how many people have said they would be thinking the same and the message is fine...

Or in other words, I'm shocked how many people have fuck all communication skill and seem to think "I say it as it is" is a badge of honour. It's not, it makes you look immature and pathetic and I'd be seriously wondering how you're a functioning adult with absolutely no capacity to filter anything between your brain and your mouth.

As you were.

(Oh, and congratulations op! On the baby and on seeing what a twat your friend is so you can leave her to bullshit alone)

jhthtcfkuytfouy

If probably respond back with
‘You thought my relationship was crumbling but couldn’t be bothered to get in touch …. And yes, we’re in a much stronger place following the pressure cooker of lock down, thanks for asking’

Actually, sounds a bit too aggressive but that’s what I’d be wanting to say. I mean she can’t honestly think you were on the verge of splitting up and then ignore you for months.

I'd have to respond with something along the lines of if she'd not ignored your messages she'd have been kept informed that you had worked through it.
I doubt I'd be bothering with her again if that's her attitude.
Congratulations and I hope you two are very happy 😊

Please don't let this taint your happiness about working things into with your husband and your pregnancy. Congratulations!

How horrible of you..The fact she's not been in touch means she doesn't have an update on how you are getting on with DH...even if she privately thinks it you just wouldn't ever say that out loud.. unnecessary and mean spirited. She's no friend to you.

Having a baby does not mean a couple have sorted their issues out though.

All it means is that a sperm met an egg.

What a nasty thing to comment.

All couples go through problems, some manage to work it out which it appears you have done. What gives your ‘friend’ the right to pass judgement?

I’d have nothing more to do with them

Sorry, I meant how horrible of her of course !