Annoyed with my OH who never bothers testing DSC

[ShiroMiso]

A few months after I'd just got out of hospital with my baby we were exposed to covid because OH nor his ex bothered to test DSC after DSC1 was identified as a close contact. DSC1 was eventually tested at my behest and was positive but luckily we managed to evade getting it. The other DSC remained negative too.

I was quite cross with OH and his ex about it, understandably I think, but all was fine in the end.

I told OH from then onwards if any of DSC had covid symptoms or are identified as a close contact he must test them before they come in. He agreed. I said I would be adopting the same rule with our DC, so if ours had any covid symptoms or were a close contact I would test them before exposing DSC as it's only fair.

Fast forward to now DSC have just arrived and 2 of the 3 have a hacking cough, the only one who isn't ill is the one who tested positive for covid at the end of last year.

The first I know about it is when they come in and within 5 minutes one is coughing and says he's been "seriously" unwell since Monday.

OH claims it's the first he's heard about it

Now I know many people aren't bothered about covid anymore and the rules are set to change etc but it's something that still bothers me as I am vulnerable and the vaccines don't offer complete protection.

We don't have any tests left over so will now need to get some for my peace of mind.

AIBU to be upset with OH?

You clearly don't want to answer it so I'll take that as the very obvious answer that no you wouldn't move in with someone else and then ignore their rules 😀 doesn't fit your agenda here though does it.

@Popable

You clearly don't want to answer it so I'll take that as the very obvious answer that no you wouldn't move in with someone else and then ignore their rules 😀 doesn't fit your agenda here though does it.

You mean a fried or relative?? Kind of different to having a partner and father of a child, most successful relationships are not built on threats of adhere to all my rules or leave.

This one is clearly not going to make it.

Maybe because the OP is impossible to live with, always pulling rank or maybe because the "D"H is a waste of space?

Either way, we're all going to have to live with covid and the removal of rules.

I don't think I'm impossible to live with. I've lived with multiple people in my time and not had similar issues with any of them.

Unlike on MN where as PP said you're supposed to transfer your kids between households with everything from D&V to the black death, most people have consideration for those they live with. Especially when that household includes a young baby.

It's entirely possible OH might tell you I'm impossible to live with though, because going back on our agreement without further discussion makes him look quite careless and nobody enjoys looking like the bad one.

My ExH took my dd when he had symptoms, didn't test himself until she was in his house. Positive obviously. Gave her covid and we had to isolate over Xmas, meaning my DP couldn't see his own DD at Xmas because ExH is a numpty.
Testing with symptoms is not an unreasonable request particularly when you're saying you would be the one to rearrange round about them. I wouldn't let dd leave the house if she was sick and ExH wouldn't want her to either. Madness to think anyone would willingly ship sick kids about.

@LJAKS

My ExH took my dd when he had symptoms, didn't test himself until she was in his house. Positive obviously. Gave her covid and we had to isolate over Xmas, meaning my DP couldn't see his own DD at Xmas because ExH is a numpty. Testing with symptoms is not an unreasonable request particularly when you're saying you would be the one to rearrange round about them. I wouldn't let dd leave the house if she was sick and ExH wouldn't want her to either. Madness to think anyone would willingly ship sick kids about.

Oh that's shit I'm sorry

Some people are total idiots.

DSS didn't even want to come yesterday, OH said he was stood at the door for aboit 10 minutes convincing him to get in the car and come as arranged.

If I were him or his ex I'd have said it's ok you can stay home, not even out of consideration for me and my DC but for their own son who isn't well and didn't want to be ferried about.

No experience of step-parenting myself, but would you really just send a very poorly child to the other parent without prior warning? I know that stepchildren could move between parents even with covid, but wouldn't it be common courtesy to call and say they're unwell, would you still like them to come over or do you want to see them for however many extra days another time/skip a week until they're better? In OP's situation, it would be upsetting for them not to see the kids that week, but surely avoiding their new baby being around a positive case, or even just a very obvious illness, takes precedence?

@Popable

And yes really. It is her house her rules and if he feels she's not being reasonable, he's free to leave and pay for his own house.

Would you like someone moving in with their kids and then ignoring what you feel is a perfectly reasonable rule / boundary you have around your own children and your home?

Just because YOU think OP is being unreasonable doesn't really mean anything. She doesn't think she is and she's entitled to set reasonable (to her) rules about her own house and expect them to be followed or at least discussed not just ignored.

Well no I would not move in with a partner that says “you live with me then you abide my rules”. Would anybody in their right mind? 😳

And I think if he has any sense of responsibility towards his older children then he should leave OP as she wants him to treat them as second class citizens. Disgusting attitude.

And I think if he has any sense of responsibility towards his older children then he should leave OP as she wants him to treat them as second class citizens. Disgusting attitude

Second class citizens?

Even the upper echelon of society have been expected to minimise the risk of transmission where possible.

Even after the rules change later on in the month people are still urged to be considerate.

My own children must be second class citizens aswell then as I've always tested them when they have symptoms if we're due to go anywhere.

Only on mumsnet is a nasal swab akin to torture and it's perfectly acceptable, encouraged even, to go to other houses coughing around babies during a pandemic

Honestly Op we should all use your thread as an example of why never to get with a man with kids.

This whole things has been exhausting to read.
Like yea make long term plans for when it's all done but did he not have the insight to think that he made a promise, it's his baby and it's not hard given their ages.

Sorry OP, I don't think you're anxiety should mean the DSC should be overly tested.

Testing is about to be phased out, so you're just going to have to deal with your anxiety.

This is so weird. A while ago on here anyone who wasn't testing constantly was basically satan. Now Boris had some parties and decided to cancel the pandemic to save face and suddenly it's just a cold. Which is it?

@OopsadayZ

Sorry OP, I don't think you're anxiety should mean the DSC should be overly tested.

Testing is about to be phased out, so you're just going to have to deal with your anxiety.

They are not babies. They can cope. Or they can go to their grandparents with dad or stay home. OP has literally broken this down.

I feel your pain OP. It is hard being a step parent because your own parenting choices and boundaries are basically totally superseded by the choices made by your DP and his ex. It's not about the kids themselves. It's about your DP not listening to your concerns and working with you - agreeing to test and not doing so. Think of it like a D&V bug. If one member of the household has a bug there would need to be extra care with hygiene etc. You'd want to know.

@SerotoninAnswerMySoul

This is so weird. A while ago on here anyone who wasn't testing constantly was basically satan. Now Boris had some parties and decided to cancel the pandemic to save face and suddenly it's just a cold. Which is it?

I know right.

Ps. I have covid. It's not nice.

@SerotoninAnswerMySoul

This is so weird. A while ago on here anyone who wasn't testing constantly was basically satan. Now Boris had some parties and decided to cancel the pandemic to save face and suddenly it's just a cold. Which is it?

Things have changed, as we always knew it would! No pandemic lasts forever,

Oh @ShiroMiso you have been given some unnecessary bonkers responses!!

What I don’t understand is why your not so dear partner, didn’t go out to get some tests immediately?

Why when presented with his sick children, he didn’t call to give you a heads up?

To those who are saying YABU. What the actual hell!

The OP has a very young baby and is not being unreasonable to ask that the DSC be given a lateral flow test if unwell.

@OopsadayZ

Sorry OP, I don't think you're anxiety should mean the DSC should be overly tested.

Testing is about to be phased out, so you're just going to have to deal with your anxiety.

I don't have 'anxiety'

My mental health is perfectly fine and my response to having covid in my house is perfectly proportionate in light of my vulnerability and the fact I have a small baby.

Sorry I forgot to add.

I don't expect them to be overly tested, only when they have symptoms and OH expects to bring them here around me and mine.

It bugs me how people always manage to turn it into the SM having a problem with the kids. In almost all cases where there are problems within blended families it's because of the parents, not the children themselves.

Unfortunately the children are at the mercy of their parents shit decisions, then they become weaponised.

As nobody gives a shit about me and my kids, what about my elderly mother and her husband? Should DSC visiting here trump their health aswell?

I'm expected (and happy) to test my kids when they're going to grandma's, it's not a big deal.

You're totally right OP. But of course by expressing concern you're an evil stepmother and your kids don't matter, only the feelings and needs of DSC. My children wouldn't go anywhere with covid syptmons without testing, but you have to grin and bare it and put yours at risk. Honestly the hypocrisy of it all is so boring now.

I had a newborn and all the same issues as you with DSC. It's caused a lot of unnecessary anxiety, resentment and drama. But usually these ex's love to create that so what can we do.

YABU, and keep throwing up your pity party excuse of "MN is mean to stepmums and is the only possible reason people disagree with me" is just ridiculous. You come across sounding like a petulant child.

This sounds like more of an opportunity for you to try to score points against a DP you clearly loathe, at the expense of his kids, rather than any concern for you or your child. You seem to just want an excuse to give him a verbal kicking.

I test myself and my DC because my DH's ex's DH is CEV and I want DH ex to have the info if she wants to avoid exposing her DH (either by us keeping DSC here or DSC staying there, up to DH ex). If we had D&V bug in the house (whether or not DSC were here) we would tell DH ex. I'm surprised my the attitudes here. Can only think it's an anti stepmum thing.

@Nidan2Sandan

YABU, and keep throwing up your pity party excuse of "MN is mean to stepmums and is the only possible reason people disagree with me" is just ridiculous. You come across sounding like a petulant child.

This sounds like more of an opportunity for you to try to score points against a DP you clearly loathe, at the expense of his kids, rather than any concern for you or your child. You seem to just want an excuse to give him a verbal kicking.

Bang on!

It is an evil step mum thing

Posters are ignoring the fact that the OP has a very young baby!

@Nidan2Sandan

YABU, and keep throwing up your pity party excuse of "MN is mean to stepmums and is the only possible reason people disagree with me" is just ridiculous. You come across sounding like a petulant child.

This sounds like more of an opportunity for you to try to score points against a DP you clearly loathe, at the expense of his kids, rather than any concern for you or your child. You seem to just want an excuse to give him a verbal kicking.

You're talking out of your arse.