Annoyed with my OH who never bothers testing DSC

[ShiroMiso]

A few months after I'd just got out of hospital with my baby we were exposed to covid because OH nor his ex bothered to test DSC after DSC1 was identified as a close contact. DSC1 was eventually tested at my behest and was positive but luckily we managed to evade getting it. The other DSC remained negative too.

I was quite cross with OH and his ex about it, understandably I think, but all was fine in the end.

I told OH from then onwards if any of DSC had covid symptoms or are identified as a close contact he must test them before they come in. He agreed. I said I would be adopting the same rule with our DC, so if ours had any covid symptoms or were a close contact I would test them before exposing DSC as it's only fair.

Fast forward to now DSC have just arrived and 2 of the 3 have a hacking cough, the only one who isn't ill is the one who tested positive for covid at the end of last year.

The first I know about it is when they come in and within 5 minutes one is coughing and says he's been "seriously" unwell since Monday.

OH claims it's the first he's heard about it

Now I know many people aren't bothered about covid anymore and the rules are set to change etc but it's something that still bothers me as I am vulnerable and the vaccines don't offer complete protection.

We don't have any tests left over so will now need to get some for my peace of mind.

AIBU to be upset with OH?

It’s clear that you think you have superiority (at every level) here. Financially since it’s your house

I wouldn't necessarily choose the word superiority but I do think there is something (massive) in this.

The OP is not married to this man. It is HER house. She absolutely does have "superiority" in that sense when it comes to making the rules for HER house.

Some parents do seem to think that they should get to trample all over the boundaries or rules the other co owner of their home have just because they have children. And OP isn't even a co owner, it is not her partner's home and therefore it's not his children's either. Not when it comes to decisions like this.

You don't just get to monopolise decision making in a home you share with someone else because it involves your children, not when it affects other people and certainly not when it's not even your house!

@headintheproverbial

OP - why bother to post when although 90% of answers say YABU you just argue. So you're not actually interested in whether others think YABU you just want to be right?!

You're being completely over the top. And I say that as someone who is CEV. You sound as though you expect the world to revolve around you and your PFB and screw your DSC.

The poll is very split.

I might seem OTT to some but plenty can see where I'm coming from.

You think I expect the world to revolve around me and my DC, I think OH and his ex think the world should revolve around their DC.

I'm not sending my kids to other people's homes with covid.

@sassbott

No it doesn’t and you know it doesn’t. I don’t think any of my posts are rude or sarcastic. They’re direct. But you don’t like that and that’s on you.

You lack of ability to answer the question directly (repeatedly) gives me the answer. You wouldn’t dream of refusing your child entry into your home. Regardless of how unwell they were.

I hope your OH moves out and stands on his own two feet.

You are rude. The OP doesn't have to answer your questions she is not being interviewed. Any chance your children have a stepmom?

You sound irrationally consumed by Covid fear OP. How long do you plan to live like this. Feel sorry for your husband.

Given England plans to move away from bothering with isolating full stop, we need to start thinking differently and it's hard. We've gone from lock yourself away and sanistise everything, to a much more laissez faire attitude, and most people haven't caught up with it, and understandably. We need to start working out how to think differently because we are moving to living with, not running from it. Would your partner have brought the kids regardless? What would you have done/ would you have moved out? He sees all the children equally, and wants them at his home. You understandably don't see that, but you need to try to find a way to be comfortable that's he's not going to prioritise your feelings over seeing the kids.

@sst1234

You sound irrationally consumed by Covid fear OP. How long do you plan to live like this. Feel sorry for your husband.

He's not my husband.

I'm not irrationally consumed by covid fear. I'm duly concerned when people come here with covid symptoms, after exposing me and DC to covid previously due to sheer negligence on part of both parents. We dodged it that time due to pure luck.

3 years ago I almost lost my life, nothing to do with covid granted, but I am now much more aware of my own mortality.

Even so, my response to covid is perfectly proportionate and I go about my life the same way as everybody else does.

The only time I worry like this is when people are potentially bringing it into my home with symptoms and no test, like they did before Christmas.

@SD1978

Given England plans to move away from bothering with isolating full stop, we need to start thinking differently and it's hard. We've gone from lock yourself away and sanistise everything, to a much more laissez faire attitude, and most people haven't caught up with it, and understandably. We need to start working out how to think differently because we are moving to living with, not running from it. Would your partner have brought the kids regardless? What would you have done/ would you have moved out? He sees all the children equally, and wants them at his home. You understandably don't see that, but you need to try to find a way to be comfortable that's he's not going to prioritise your feelings over seeing the kids.

That's a fair and balanced post thank you

I don’t think you’re being unreasonable, a test really isn’t much to ask. I say that as someone who is not remotely anxious about covid (I’ve had it twice) and who is living life as normal, with no extra precautions.

If a friend or family member asked me to test before meeting up I would happily do it if it helped put them at ease and reduce their anxiety. I can’t understand why your DP wouldn’t do that for you.

I don’t understand your perspective of having DSC tested, purely because I view it as a parent testing their children before allowing them in their home, which feels odd to me. I understand for other visitors but not for children at their/their parents home.

However……I do understand why you are annoyed given your partner made an agreement with you and then hasn’t stuck to it. That’s the issue really isn’t it. Also I don’t view it as his ex responsibility, but his as he is your partner and the parent who needs the test to be done.

@ShiroMiso

For the folks saying we just have to learn to live with covid:

So lets look at it like Influenza then, which we have had to learn to live with.

When people have the flu, is it not a good idea to steer clear of it where possible and not spread it around unnecessarily?

Does anybody actually want to catch flu or have their baby catch it?

I'm sure a sizable percentage of people upon hearing that a relative has flu, would want to reschedule a meet up. I know that most of my friends and family would want to reschedule. Who wants flu and all of the inconvenience it brings?

All common sense seems to go out of the window when it involves step children when really the same logic should apply. As somebody pointed out upthread, children old enough to understand the pandemic (or flu) know that its best not to pass it on.

The children are weaponised IMO, because they wouldn't care if they missed one dinner at dads house for the sake of keeping a baby sibling healthy.

Instead they're sent round to infect everybody because fuck step parents and the children they have.

Ah sorry but you've jumped the shark now. If you have genuine health anxiety please get help because we are at a point now where we do have to live with it. Everyone has different levels of risk and tolerance but I don't think you're being rational. Even putting aside the fact you'll be splitting up soon I think you're expecting too much precautions from others.

Ah sorry but you've jumped the shark now. If you have genuine health anxiety please get help because we are at a point now where we do have to live with it. Everyone has different levels of risk and tolerance but I don't think you're being rational. Even putting aside the fact you'll be splitting up soon I think you're expecting too much precautions from others

I don't have health anxiety, I'm just not happy about me and baby being exposed to covid needlessly and frustrated that my OH has gone back on an agreement that he deemed fair at the point of making it.

Nearly everyone has eased off on testing etc. You're being totally OTT IMO.

Are you still washing shopping, sanitising every five minutes, mask wearing everywhere, two metre social distancing?

Or is the concern only surrounding the DSC?

It's not that he's gone back on the deal, it's the fact that nearly everyone has dropped a number of the previous requirements.

Yes we do have to live with it.

I don’t think it’s up to your other half, they live with their mum so she is the one who should know if they have symptoms and test accordingly.

Your snippy responses to anyone that didn't agree with you, OP, makes.me wonder why you bothered to ask on AIBU if you are so convinced you are right.

I think YABU. It's your DSCs home as well but your insisting on them testing before they set foot through the door suggests that you don't actually think it is their home and have less right to be there than your own DCs.

I assume you wouldn't boot your own DCs out should they test positive?

I have just read the full thread and am dumbfounded by the majority of responses here. The hostility towards the OP has been a stark (and useful, selfishly) reminder that mumsnet does not represent the views of the average person you would meet 'in real life'. You would, I believe, find some compassion and nuanced thinking outside of an anonymous forum where people are clearly projecting.
It seems to me that the OP is saying, if children who live elsewhere (for the most part) with a parent (who is therefore also responsible for caring for them) are unwell (not just with a cold) with a virus that has caused complete chaos the world over, that has killed a member of their family, then perhaps said children should be tested (as was previously agreed) to confirm whether or not they have said virus. This is not health anxiety. This is not an attack on those children. This is taking reasonable action to minimise becoming unwell- particularly when CEV and with a small baby. People are understandably likening this to flu and saying we need to live with COVID. OK, but if those children had flu, wouldn't it be wise for them to remain at the home they are in when contracting flu to recover and prevent spreading it to others? Isn't that just common sense? You wouldn't send them to school - you would want to look after them and prevent the spread. If the SDC came down with flu at the OPs home, they stay there with their father to recover. And OP can decamp to her DMs should she wish.
OP YANBU!

@THisbackwithavengeance

Your snippy responses to anyone that didn't agree with you, OP, makes.me wonder why you bothered to ask on AIBU if you are so convinced you are right.

I think YABU. It's your DSCs home as well but your insisting on them testing before they set foot through the door suggests that you don't actually think it is their home and have less right to be there than your own DCs.

I assume you wouldn't boot your own DCs out should they test positive?

Very snippy but then I suppose when you're just staying in a relationship for help with a baby, it makes you hostile.

Very snippy but then I suppose when you're just staying in a relationship for help with a baby, it makes you hostile.

This made me laugh out loud. It's not "help" it's wanting him to do his share of parenting the newborn he assisted in creating. The bar of expectations is low on MN this week. He shouldn't be expected to test his kids. He shouldn't be expected to parent his actual baby.

@ShiroMiso

Very snippy but then I suppose when you're just staying in a relationship for help with a baby, it makes you hostile.

This made me laugh out loud. It's not "help" it's wanting him to do his share of parenting the newborn he assisted in creating. The bar of expectations is low on MN this week. He shouldn't be expected to test his kids. He shouldn't be expected to parent his actual baby.

Oh come on! You presumably knew he wasn't going to parent another child, Jim he doesn't parent his current children? Not about covid but about having them regularly, for a decent amount of time? You quoted you allowed him to stay for "practical assistance" aka help! As for the testing, we all have to live with covid, roll on the end of the month when no isolation is in force. People are mixing loads now, theatres, restaurants and pubs full. If you've people in your house you're more able to social distance and therefore keep "safe" than at the shops. People shopping that could have it, but don't maintain a distance?

I think you've set the bar very low, you've ended up with someone you are clearly very unhappy with (a product of a maintenance shag, whatever that is). Your baby whilst very young now, will soon start to pick up on that, no matter that you'll say you wont show it in front of them.

chichimcgee wow. No, they don't 'live with they mum' and visit the op as guests. They have two homes. Their dad lives with the op, that is his home, in which their half sibling also lives. It doesn't matter who pays the rent, it's their father's home. It's certainly not the ex's sole job to test, especially at this stage of the pandemic when testing is on the wane and will soon be gone. OP I do get your annoyance with your dp, and if you genuinely have mentally checked out already its more understandable. I suggest you get on with it and get your home back so that you have more control. But bear in mind when your child is with their dad, you'll not have a say in who he mixes with or their state of health. I hope you can find a workable solution for all.

Do what’s best for your children because I can assure you his ex won’t give a damn about your kids. She’s Already proven this by sending her poorly kids round

It’s really not the ex’s responsibility to give a damn about anyone elses children, is it? It isn’t either parents100% responsibility to care for children, whether well or sick. It is convenient to forget that many separated families struggle to hold things together financially and is only fair that both parents do some of the caring when children are sick or isolating.

He is their father. They are sick, so he cares for them in his house. Perhaps you need to stay at a hotel for a few days. I wouldn’t keep testing little kids it’s horrible. They all get colds. Wait until your baby starts childcare it will be endless.

Now as expected on MN OP is advised to seek urgent help for her health anxiety!!! 😀Because that would be a bigger risk for her baby than Covid. Mumsnet at its best as always. People find some much time to give all those lectures and arguments but very little time to quickly swab their kids nose. OP the replies here are not all directed at your situation you got to understand that, most of them are out of principles ' why would he test his own children for colds' that's pretty much it. You can prove nothing here. We were planning a trip somewhere with another family but my son started getting slightly shivery and had a fever one night, next day he was jumping off his head. Most people would have had no thought and went on a trip. I did a quick swab to find out within seconds a bright positive test. He literally was showing no more symptoms rather than a bit of sneezing. Yet we all got it within 2 days from him so at least we done the tests before and didn't pass it to our friends and family and all the people on the train. I would definitely have done that before we went to see someone with a baby. You got to understand its a societal thing as well. In the UK unfortunately sending kids with fever and calpol to nurseries and schools is absolutely a normal thing to do. The argument is as long as my child feels good enough to go I am sending him. Not a consideration for others. In many cultures people were accustomed to wearing masks for example with flu waaaay before Covid as a precaution and respect for others. I hope you get my point. I believe you didn't ask for much and a quick test is all what was needed to put your worries at rest.

P.S. I can now see you mentioned there are other problems in your relationship. Please go easy on the step kids as they probably got used to you by now and that would mean another heartbreak and another new step mum perhaps to adjust to in future. Hope you make it work

It's your DSCs home as well but your insisting on them testing before they set foot through the door suggests that you don't actually think it is their home and have less right to be there than your own DCs.

They do have less right to be there in reality. It's HER HOUSE. She is not married to her partner, he just moved into HER HOUSE. A house which is in her name, which she pays for. I strongly believe this means she gets to set the rules and boundaries in it.

If her partner doesn't like them then he can get his own house where he pays the rent/mortgage!

This is why I would never move my children into someone else's house. Because it would never be THEIR house.

This guy needs to accept OPs rules and boundaries about who comes to HER HOUSE and when or he needs to get a house of his own which he pays for and no one else can tell him how to live in it. He doesn't get to decide to just ignore the OP about her own house.

It's very frustrating OP. DSS was sent to us with an absolutely horrendous cold last year (not covid), we knew nothing about it until he arrived. I understand kids being ill etc is the norm but I was/am pregnant and was picking up every single little sniffle going! My DS is also in nursery and I work so I was worried we would both catch it and that would be me caring for a sick child while sick myself. I told my DH that DSS needed to be careful and I didn't want him playing with DS to minimise the risk of us getting it. When he got defensive and annoyed with me I told him he would be taking days off work to care for DS if he couldn't go to nursery, not me. Funnily enough he changed his tune! If I had known how ill DSS was I would have gone to my parents for the weekend!

You aren't being unreasonable OP. A test takes 10 seconds to do for goodness sake.