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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

School mother smells of alcohol

575 replies

Curiousaboutthoughts · 17/02/2022 16:27

NC for this as my usual account is pretty revealing. There’s a mother at school - I really like her, she’s fun and her children are great. However, several times I have now noticed that she absolutely STINKS of stale alcohol during the school run. I guess I just want to know peoples thoughts about this. I can’t really do anything and I’m not trying to be judgemental (honest!) but it’s hard to connect the part of me which really likes her to the part of me that finds this off-putting. My parents are both alcoholics so I am biased though.

OP posts:
IbizaToTheNorfolkBroads · 17/02/2022 17:13

As a Cub leader I have escalated my concerns about a parent who picked up their child by car, smelling of alcohol. I would do the same in the OP’s situation. It might be something or nothing; it might be the evidence needed to remove a child from an abusive and dangerous situation.

ArtfulScreamer · 17/02/2022 17:14

Agree with @PurpleDaisies report to school safeguarding, I used to work in Police Custody and after a tip off a mum was breathalysed on the afternoon school run and blew 3x legal limit she was a functioning alcoholic and to look at her you wouldn't have known she'd had a drink.

girlmom21 · 17/02/2022 17:16

@Curiousaboutthoughts

Ffs yes I am sure she doesn’t work in a bar she has become a friend I know what her job is and that she doesn’t have diabetes and that she enjoys a drink.
If she's a friend talk to her. Tell her you can smell it.
Wintersbone · 17/02/2022 17:16

If you look on the school website it will tell you who the safeguarding lead is or you can simply ask the teacher. You're not accusing her of anything, you're raising a concern - a very valid one! Living with an activate alcoholic IS a massive safeguarding concern. They won't find something isn't there.

Awalkintime · 17/02/2022 17:17

@Stressedout1009

Wouldn't the teachers have also noticed?
I'm a teacher and haven't got my sense of smell back from after having covid months ago. I would not notice this if it was one of the parents in my school. I would need someone else to tell me this.
teaandtoastwithmarmite · 17/02/2022 17:19

I used to work with a woman who reeked of alcohol and I used to give her a lift. She used a lot of hand sanitiser so I think it was that

youvegottenminuteslynn · 17/02/2022 17:19

So disappointing to see posters sneering at someone who works at a school suggesting that OP report this to the safeguarding lead.

It's not an 'unpleasant' thing to do.

It's not 'gossiping'.

It's safeguarding.

And then the sneering and MYOB type comments are magically nowhere to be found when a child is seriously harmed or killed and everyone posts incredulously to ask why nobody ever reported their concerns! Saying 'surely someone knew something?!' Well maybe they did, maybe they posted on MN, got called unpleasant and a gossip and decided against doing the right thing and safeguarding.

Growing up with an alcoholic parent is miserable. OP knows that more than most. She also recognises what is a very specific smell that she is used to from her childhood experiments.

People having a go at @PurpleDaisies for suggesting flagging a concern are being ridiculous and categorically not putting the children of this woman first. Worst case scenario if all is well, OP will be embarrassed and the woman will be embarrassed and he's upset. Worst case scenario if all is not well, the women's children are not being adequately safeguarded and are at risk or already having needs not met.

If a safeguarding lead thinks all is not well, measures can be put in place to provide the woman with support to have the chance to change that.

zeg3885 · 17/02/2022 17:20

I’m with those who’d mention it to school. Your being kinder to everyone involved, if she has a problem this may be the wake up call she needs. Maybe no one else has mentioned it and she is in denial or doesn’t acknowledge there is a problem; maybe actually school/SS already have concerns. She may well be a lovely person but it sounds very much like there is a problem, and being lovely doesn’t make you immune to addiction. You can do it anonymously to the school or even directly with SS. There may be no safeguarding issues, she may well be able to meet her childrens needs and safeguard them but she may need some support for herself (drinking, underlying difficulties) and this could be the catalyst to getting that. I understand you feel torn, I would probably feel the same too.

DiddyHeck · 17/02/2022 17:20

You haven't said whether it's the morning school run or the afternoon?

If it's the afternoon, I can't imagine anyone's going to be bothered as long as she doesn't turn up drunk. She may have just had a glass of wine with her lunch.

That might not be something most of us would do, but it's no business of the school's if she's still sober.

ZeroFuchsGiven · 17/02/2022 17:25

This post gave me shivers.

For years we tried to tell the school, court and SS that dss's Mum was an alcoholic but because she was a social worker it was never believed.

Eventually she was reported to police by concerned parents on the school run, she was stopped and breathalised and was way over the limit at 9am just after dropping dss off. She lost her licence, thank god.

Please report this to the school.

2bazookas · 17/02/2022 17:25

I wouldn't let my child play at her house or be driven by her.

Mydogmylife · 17/02/2022 17:27

@Curiousaboutthoughts

Guys honestly it’s alcohol. It’s not perfume or anything else. We had an evening drinks and she was so drunk she couldn’t operate her phone and was the last to go home. I suspect a drinking problem.
Bit of a drip feed ? If you already know she drinks too much from actual first hand experience rather than guesswork, why wouldnt you say something?
BlondeDogLady · 17/02/2022 17:27

@PurpleDaisies

I would drop an email to the school safeguarding person saying you’ve noticed this and you’re a bit concerned. They are in the best position to decide whether/how to proceed.
Nooooo!

She probably just had a few drinks the night before. Parents are allowed a drink for goodness sake!

problembottom · 17/02/2022 17:29

I agree with those saying your concerns should absolutely be reported.

One of DP's friends is a functioning alcoholic. High profile job, totally enabled over the years. The minimising and excuses that have gone on over the years by his friends, colleagues, everyone makes me so mad and I feel for his kids most of all. Now they're both at uni his wife has finally left him.

manybirdsnests · 17/02/2022 17:29

Hi OP, PurpleDaisies, Shuffletime and the rest are completely correct: you should report this.

Report it to the school's safeguarding lead (usually on school letters/newsletters/front door/office and yes, website).
Report it and then relax; you're still allowed to be the woman's friend, you're not acting against her - just raising a reasonable concern which may help.

If it turns out to be nothing then that's good! Report and then move on.

MrsOH1 · 17/02/2022 17:29

I think if you know her and like her, just have a gentle chat with her before you escalate

Shuffletime · 17/02/2022 17:29

@DiddyHeck

You haven't said whether it's the morning school run or the afternoon?

If it's the afternoon, I can't imagine anyone's going to be bothered as long as she doesn't turn up drunk. She may have just had a glass of wine with her lunch.

That might not be something most of us would do, but it's no business of the school's if she's still sober.

It absolutely is the schools business. They have a duty to safeguard children in their care (as do we all). They will be definitely 'be bothered'.

MajorCarolDanvers · 17/02/2022 17:30

Do you think her kids are unsafe or neglected in anyway?

If yes report to social services.

If not sure you can call NSPCC for confidential advice.

Blossomtoes · 17/02/2022 17:31

It’s not the school’s business if she’s sober which is what @DiddyHeck actually said.

DiddyHeck · 17/02/2022 17:34

It absolutely is the schools business. They have a duty to safeguard children in their care (as do we all). They will be definitely 'be bothered'.

No it isn't.

It's not the school's business if she turns up sober. It's only their business if she turns up drunk or she's driving.

Shuffletime · 17/02/2022 17:34

@blossomtoes

Have another read. Middle paragraph.

PurpleDaisies · 17/02/2022 17:34

She probably just had a few drinks the night before. Parents are allowed a drink for goodness sake!

Come off it. You’re not reading the op’s posts properly if you’re dismissing it as that.

If it did turn out to be just that, there’s no issue with someone trained in safeguarding establishing that it’s the case, is there? Far better an awkward conversation with a safeguarding lead that leads to nothing rather than a child in a harmful situation.

Original poster
Curiousaboutthoughts · 17/02/2022 17:35

@Confrontayshunme

Thank you so much for the post. What a shocking outcome. That does make me think perhaps reporting is best.

It’s not really drip feeding @ABCeasyasdohrayme - I didn’t think I needed to go into the details about how I know it’s alcohol. It’s alcohol. I’ve had to go into further details because of the amount of people saying it’s perfume etc

OP posts:
Blossomtoes · 17/02/2022 17:35

[quote Shuffletime]@blossomtoes

Have another read. Middle paragraph. [/quote]
I don’t need to. She’s right. Since when was a glass of wine at lunch time a hanging offence?

Rustler74 · 17/02/2022 17:36

Of course it is concerning! If you see something say something. Completely agree with you.

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