School mother smells of alcohol

[Curiousaboutthoughts]

NC for this as my usual account is pretty revealing. There’s a mother at school - I really like her, she’s fun and her children are great. However, several times I have now noticed that she absolutely STINKS of stale alcohol during the school run. I guess I just want to know peoples thoughts about this. I can’t really do anything and I’m not trying to be judgemental (honest!) but it’s hard to connect the part of me which really likes her to the part of me that finds this off-putting. My parents are both alcoholics so I am biased though.

@DiddyHeck

It absolutely is the schools business. They have a duty to safeguard children in their care (as do we all). They will be definitely 'be bothered'.

No it isn't.

It's not the school's business if she turns up sober. It's only their business if she turns up drunk or she's driving.

The whole point of reporting concerns is so that the school can establish if there’s anything worrying going on.

@Blossomtoes

It’s not the school’s business if she’s sober which is what *@DiddyHeck* actually said.

If you're drinking enough that other people can smell it outside in the winter, whatever you are, it's not sober.

Also she’s a school mother who I like and I like and think of as a friend I’m sure that’s not unusual?!

That’s quite a big and bold assumption to make about someone…

How do you know it’s not a smelly hand sanitiser she is using? I’ve smelt a few that stink and could mistake it for someone being hungover…

Could be she uses a hand sanitiser before she leaves the house, or has some in her bag, or clipped to her children’s bags.

Unless she is inebriated with the children don’t think you can accurately judge where the smell is coming from and what exactly it is. There’s a condition called ketoacidosis that can smell like alcohol on someone’s breath, even metabolic disorders that cause that smell too.

@blossomtoes because its very clear from the OP it's not a one off. Having 'a wine' with lunch occasionally would leave you stinking of stale alcohol regularly, would it.

If you're drinking enough that other people can smell it outside in the winter, whatever you are, it's not sober

That’s complete nonsense. Sober is not visibly drunk.

@Teaandsleep

That’s quite a big and bold assumption to make about someone…

How do you know it’s not a smelly hand sanitiser she is using? I’ve smelt a few that stink and could mistake it for someone being hungover…

Could be she uses a hand sanitiser before she leaves the house, or has some in her bag, or clipped to her children’s bags.

Unless she is inebriated with the children don’t think you can accurately judge where the smell is coming from and what exactly it is. There’s a condition called ketoacidosis that can smell like alcohol on someone’s breath, even metabolic disorders that cause that smell too.

Which will be determined by the safeguarding lead. It is not the op’s job to investigate. It is not even the op’s job to be certain. She just needs to be worried about a child to pass on her concerns.

How is this controversial? How is anyone still saying not to bother reporting?

I agree about safeguarding lead. They know exactly how to deal with something like this and will do so appropriately without unnecessarily involving other staff.

Also, teachers don’t get close enough to parents necessarily to notice! We don’t even see our DC teacher, the children just exit the door!

Finally - does she have a partner that you know to speak to? Is it better having a gentle word with them?

It's not unpleasant to drop an email to the school.

There could be safeguarding concerns to young children here - equally there could be nothing.

choices.

Do nothing and hope it's nothing.
Do nothing and then when something happens feel guilty for keeping quiet.

Do something and help young vulnerable children as there is an issue.
Do something and there's nothing amiss and so there isn't a problem.

@youvegottenminuteslynn

So disappointing to see posters sneering at someone who works at a school suggesting that OP report this to the safeguarding lead.

It's not an 'unpleasant' thing to do.

It's not 'gossiping'.

It's safeguarding.

And then the sneering and MYOB type comments are magically nowhere to be found when a child is seriously harmed or killed and everyone posts incredulously to ask why nobody ever reported their concerns! Saying 'surely someone knew something?!' Well maybe they did, maybe they posted on MN, got called unpleasant and a gossip and decided against doing the right thing and safeguarding.

Growing up with an alcoholic parent is miserable. OP knows that more than most. She also recognises what is a very specific smell that she is used to from her childhood experiments.

People having a go at @PurpleDaisies for suggesting flagging a concern are being ridiculous and categorically not putting the children of this woman first. Worst case scenario if all is well, OP will be embarrassed and the woman will be embarrassed and he's upset. Worst case scenario if all is not well, the women's children are not being adequately safeguarded and are at risk or already having needs not met.

If a safeguarding lead thinks all is not well, measures can be put in place to provide the woman with support to have the chance to change that.

Agree with all of this.

If there is a reason for her smelling of alcohol (diabetes, dodgy perfume, hand sanitiser or works in a bar) then there won't be anything for her to worry about will there- she can easily explain.

The children in this situation need to be the absolute priority. If she does have a problem it might trigger her actually getting some help and support as well.

@Blossomtoes

If you're drinking enough that other people can smell it outside in the winter, whatever you are, it's not sober

That’s complete nonsense. Sober is not visibly drunk.

No, that is not the definition of sober. Sober is when you're not under the effects of an intoxicating substance. That can be a long way from visibly drunk, especially for someone with a substance abuse issue.

@PurpleDaisies

I would drop an email to the school safeguarding person saying you’ve noticed this and you’re a bit concerned. They are in the best position to decide whether/how to proceed.

Safeguarding is everyone’s responsibility. If it turns out to be nothing, that’s good. However OP, your report could be one of many and therefore absolutely necessary. I agree with @PurpleDaisies

Another one of the "just tell the school" camp.

I'm also the child of two alcoholics. I've seen DM's medical records from me being about 8 years old - released from hospital after three days withdrawal psychosis when my also-drunk father collected her. It was noted that he was drunk when he collected her, but nobody thought "oh hang on there's a little girl who lives there too."
I used to get letters from school basically implying that I was a little slag because I wore tight tops and no bra, or short skirts. Nope, just didn't have any others, grown out of them - but nice middle class parents, you know? Must be because I was a little tease rather than that my nice respectable parents were drunks.

I'm a bloody goth, aged 50, because my mum was too pissed mostly to show me to how to put make up on "nicely" and to buy me clothes. My biology teacher bought me makeup and hairbrushes. But nice middle class parents, and a private school - must be me that's just scruffy.

I know that's not the situation we're talking about here, but that is the lived reality of the children of problem drinkers. Everyone is so busy sorting out the "problem" that the needs of the young people who live with them get overlooked.

Please don't let that happen here.

I agree with Purple and others in saying you should report it.
If there is a valid reason, then fine, it will all get sorted.
If there is an issue then the welfare of the child needs checking.

For all you know OP, this is the last piece in a jigsaw that SS need to act on something that they have had insufficient evidence for.

SS were involved with my adopted child's family for 6 years before a final decision to remove was made. That is 6 years my AC was living in conditions that 99.99% of MN users would consider unacceptable. Reports from school helped build the picture needed to meet the threshold for action.

I truly despair of some of the posters on this thread. It's a horrible reflection of our society that people are pretty much saying 'look the other way and ignore it'.
They would be the same people who would stop at nothing to seek justice if their friends or family were harmed in any way (due to someone being under the influence of alcohol), as would we all.
To OP and the others agreeing with her, yes, absolutely report it.
If the woman concerned has a legitimate reason for the smell, then no harm done.

Also agree with @PurpleDaisies and also @SaySomethingMan. Safeguarding IS everybody's responsibility and in your shoes, although I would be torn - as you are - ultimately, I would have to say something because there is a chance that her drinking is impacting on the welfare of her kids - to a greater or lesser degree.

If it's nothing, it's nothing.

But better to report and feel like a two-faced busy body than not report and live to regret it.

Hopefully your report can stay anonymous.

@PurpleDaisies.
I’m totally with you. Phone call to safeguarding person at the school. Not at all unpleasant, the school can simply check this out.

I wonder if any of the posters who are saying not to report have anything to do with safeguarding? I really hope not.

As the daughter of alcoholics and as a recovering alcohol myself, I sniff a problematic drinker from a mile off.
And, yes, I would send an email to the safeguarding lead.
Someone reporting me (I have preschool children) kick-started me getting into recovery and the help and support my children (and I) needed.
Reporting a safeguarding issue can come from a place of care, so ignore the sneery MN naysayers.

How much drink does one need to smell
Of alcohol to that extent though? Surely some stink after a couple and others stink as if they'd been out for a day?

I’m not sure why you’re posting if you say you won’t go to the school. You should absolutely report to school.

@PurpleDaisies sadly, you are right,

@Curiousaboutthoughts you've noticed the mum 'absolutely STINKS' of stale alcohol on several occasions, please report this to the school's designated safeguarding lead. You will not be named by the school, & they will investigate whether the children are at risk of harm. Mum might need support & this would also be considered.

A person with type 1 diabetes who smells of pear drops due to ketoacidosis would typically be very unwell, & in hospital

She may just drink when her children are in bed asleep, is that really worth dragging social services into her life? Do you have any other concerns about her children? Adults are allowed to drink alcohol, so if there’s no concerns about her children other than your own experience I wouldn’t be contacting the safe guarding officer or whatever.

As for her triggering you, just distance yourself from her, you don’t need to be friends and from what you’ve said it doesn’t sound like she’s being an asshole or anything? Unless there’s a big drip feed coming.

@marykitty you are so wrong. The threshold for reporting safeguarding concerns is purposely extremely low. What do you think will happen if it'sunfounded? Nothing. This attitude is what breeds abuse.

Perhaps she's a sommelier