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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

School mother smells of alcohol

575 replies

Curiousaboutthoughts · 17/02/2022 16:27

NC for this as my usual account is pretty revealing. There’s a mother at school - I really like her, she’s fun and her children are great. However, several times I have now noticed that she absolutely STINKS of stale alcohol during the school run. I guess I just want to know peoples thoughts about this. I can’t really do anything and I’m not trying to be judgemental (honest!) but it’s hard to connect the part of me which really likes her to the part of me that finds this off-putting. My parents are both alcoholics so I am biased though.

OP posts:
NerrSnerr · 18/02/2022 22:35

@Georgie8 do you honestly think you should only report safeguarding concerns if you have evidence?

Some children don't stand a chance do they when other adults will just stand by. Safeguarding children is everyone's business. If the professionals involved don't have any concerns then nothing will happen but the OP's informal chat could have been one of a number of concerns from people over recent months and that's when it can become apparent children are at risk.

JustLyra · 18/02/2022 22:38

@Georgie8

I’d caution against “reporting” this. For starters you have no evidence.

It’s very different if a member of staff raises concerns (and that’d be linked more to the child’s demeanour, cleanliness, work etc.) than a random parent saying “she smells, I think she drinks”.

Write an email; it might be libellous.

Have a chat; it might be slanderous.

You cannot assume you won’t be identified and you may end up being sued.

If you are perfect and your parenting is beyond reproach then go for it.

Otherwise, don’t.

None of us is perfect.

Jesus. I’ve seen it all on here now.

So safeguarding issues should only be reported by perfect parents?

What utter bollocks

flowerschocandchampagne · 18/02/2022 22:46

@Shuffletime

After all the child abuse reports in the news recently, all the threads on MN telling posters to report, I can't believe all the posters on here saying to ignore! Safeguarding is EVERYONE'S responsibility. Not your place to investigate, but absolutely 100% without a shadow of a doubt your duty to report. Doesn't have to be anything scary, just an email to the school Safeguarding lead like pp mentioned.
100% this. Please let the safeguarding lead at the school know your concerns. If it's nothing then all good. If it's something then she can have the opportunity to access help and support if she needs it.
NumberTheory · 18/02/2022 22:47

@Georgie8

I’d caution against “reporting” this. For starters you have no evidence.

It’s very different if a member of staff raises concerns (and that’d be linked more to the child’s demeanour, cleanliness, work etc.) than a random parent saying “she smells, I think she drinks”.

Write an email; it might be libellous.

Have a chat; it might be slanderous.

You cannot assume you won’t be identified and you may end up being sued.

If you are perfect and your parenting is beyond reproach then go for it.

Otherwise, don’t.

None of us is perfect.

This logic would make it virtually impossible for anyone to ever report a concern to a safe guarding lead or a crime to the police.

If your report is genuine (i.e. you do smell alcohol) then this is not a concern.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 18/02/2022 22:47

If you are perfect and your parenting is beyond reproach then go for it.

Idiotic and irresponsible advice.

adriftabroad · 18/02/2022 23:14

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk guidelines.

whysonasty · 18/02/2022 23:47

Sorry, haven’t RTFT. But could it be hand sanitiser? Many times I’ve had a waft as someone’s walked past at school or work. Done a double take then realised it’s just the alcohol in hand sanitiser.

DryOldCaper · 19/02/2022 00:12

@whysonasty

Sorry, haven’t RTFT. But could it be hand sanitiser? Many times I’ve had a waft as someone’s walked past at school or work. Done a double take then realised it’s just the alcohol in hand sanitiser.
Reading the full thread really helps to avoid suggesting that have been mentioned many times - and ruled out many times.
Curiousaboutthoughts · 19/02/2022 05:58

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Quotes deleted post

DryOldCaper · 19/02/2022 06:09

All the best @curiousaboutthoughts - I think most of us know you’re coming at this with every good intent. Flowers

PerseverancePays · 19/02/2022 07:48

Could you not write a letter, on paper, and post it to the school? You could tell them your concerns and that you are a parent at the school but don't want to be linked or tagged.

whysonasty · 19/02/2022 08:08

Why so nasty, @DryOldCaper?

YouMuckyDuck · 19/02/2022 08:35

@whysonasty

Why so nasty, *@DryOldCaper*?
They haven't been nasty at all, what is the point of not RTFT but making a comment 22 pages in?
UserThenLotsOfNumbers · 19/02/2022 08:37

I just want to say @Curiousaboutthoughts I totally understand your position and concerns, and think you are doing the right thing by raising this.

DryOldCaper · 19/02/2022 10:31

@whysonasty

Why so nasty, *@DryOldCaper*?
Just RTFT.

You yourself said you hadn’t even bothered your arse to read it, and then you made a tedious contribution that had been made many times before. And discounted many times before.

Why do non-thread readers get so irate and defensive when they’re called out for doing exactly what they themselves actually said they didn’t do? Confused

WeatherwaxOn · 19/02/2022 10:53

Call the school. Say you have a safeguarding concern that affects several children in the same family.
Information must be treated as confidential. The teacher is not going to go haring after the woman in the playground saying, "Oi! Curious says you stink of booze"

123usernamesilly · 19/02/2022 11:03

I wouldn’t call or “report” anyone unless you actually saw her being drunk or drunk driving (and I know you didn’t)
It’s really not anyones business, from what you are saying she is a good mother, kids are well dressed and healthy and always on time. They agents harmed at all.
Why would people report her?? She hasn’t done anything wrong. Of course if you do see her drunk driving or kids have bruises etc then it’s a different story.
What is the culture of “reporting” people when we don’t even have any evidence of wrong doing

123usernamesilly · 19/02/2022 11:04

Obvious stinking of alcohol is not good and I’m against it! But look she didn’t do anything bad or she didn’t put her kids at any risk. Maybe she does have a problem but as long as she is a good mother then it’s her problem and we shouldn’t intervene in any way

kittensinthekitchen · 19/02/2022 11:06

There's no such thing as being a good parent whilst having an alcohol dependency.

I know many people on MN will disagree with that, due to their own experiences, but I stand by it.

NoSquirrels · 19/02/2022 11:12

It’s really not anyones business, from what you are saying she is a good mother, kids are well dressed and healthy and always on time. They agents harmed at all.

You don’t know that.

Why would people report her?? She hasn’t done anything wrong.

Because once you get to the stage of drinking or alcohol dependence that people smell it on you during the school run you aren’t using alcohol in a manner that’s likely to cause no harm to your children eventually. Neglect isn’t just extreme. An alcohol dependence usually progresses.

If the mother doesn’t have a problem nothing negative will happen. If she does, positive change may happen.

NoSquirrels · 19/02/2022 11:17

Maybe she does have a problem but as long as she is a good mother then it’s her problem and we shouldn’t intervene in any way

You can’t know “she’s a good mother” you can only observe that when you see the children they’re n time, at school and well dressed etc.

It doesn’t mean behind the scenes everything’s hunky dory. A mother with an alcohol problem is - sooner or later - definitely going to be a problem for the children. It doesn’t stay “her” problem. You’re deluded if you think alcohol problems are personal to those suffering. In a family, a parent with an alcohol problem isn’t “containing” it. There’s just degrees of harm.

If you did have a problem with alcohol, and someone intervened early enough so that you could stop going down the slippery slope (& a problem always progresses) wouldn’t you be glad? When you’d tackled your problem and come out the other side, wouldn’t you be glad someone spoke up?

Zilla1 · 19/02/2022 11:18

It takes a village, to turn a blind eye then run to social media and blame the family, the neighbours and social services when anything bad happens.

neverbeenskiing · 19/02/2022 11:20

I am a school Safeguarding Lead. If a parent called me and told me another parent smelled of alcohol on the school run, I would listen, record the information and ask the child's Form Tutor to find an opportunity to discreetly check in with the child to see if they raised any worries or concerns about home.

Contrary to what some posters have suggested, I absolutely would give assurances to keep your confidentiality, and stick to them. I would log the concern as "a parent of a Year X child has reported..." rather than giving your name, which would be unecessary. But the other parent and her DC also has a right to confidentiality so I wouldn't be able to tell you anything about what, if any, action I intended to take or whether or not I was already aware of difficulties within the family.

Aside from that, there would not be much I could do. It's not illegal or inherently abusive for a parent to drink to excess. Parents are allowed to make what many of us would consider to be poor life choices, and it's not a schools place to judge or intervene unless there is a demonstrable impact on the childs wellbeing, safety or ability to access education. For it to be a clear safeguarding concern the parent would have to be in sole charge of the DC at the time they were drinking, or unable to care for the child or get them into school the next day due to being too hungover, or there would have to be indications that their drinking was causing the child distress. In OP's case there is no evidence of these factors so we would monitor the situation but there would be little we could do in the way of immediate action unless the child made a direct disclosure or it was part of a pattern of wider concerns.

That said, as a DSL I would always rather a parent who was worried about a child for any reason called me than not. Even if it turns out to be nothing. For all you know, OP, this could just be one small piece of a puzzle that school have been working to put together for some time.

NerrSnerr · 19/02/2022 11:21

Maybe she does have a problem but as long as she is a good mother then it’s her problem and we shouldn’t intervene in any way

My mum is an alcoholic. Always has been. She is also middle class, had a good job and we were all well dressed and behaved at school. Everyone thought she was a good mum. From a young age you can tell as soon as you walk in the door whether she's had a drink and you'll know what kind of evening you'll have. She will honestly tell you she didn't let the alcohol harm us. It did.

MondayYogurt · 19/02/2022 11:23

Ignoring alcohol abuse is enabling alcohol abuse.

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