School mother smells of alcohol

[Curiousaboutthoughts]

NC for this as my usual account is pretty revealing. There’s a mother at school - I really like her, she’s fun and her children are great. However, several times I have now noticed that she absolutely STINKS of stale alcohol during the school run. I guess I just want to know peoples thoughts about this. I can’t really do anything and I’m not trying to be judgemental (honest!) but it’s hard to connect the part of me which really likes her to the part of me that finds this off-putting. My parents are both alcoholics so I am biased though.

If anything happened, I don't think 'I didn't report my concerns because I thought the other school mums wouldn't speak to me again' would actually wash with anyone decent @Oblomov22 do you?

I'd try to be a friend to her - I'm guessing she is single (can't see mention of a OH) and has been made redundant, she might be having a hard time and using alcohol as a crux. She might not be defensive - she might be secretly crying out for someone to notice and care. I'm not suggesting you get overly involved but you've asked for advice and want to help her - arrange to see her and ask about her drinking. If she is defensive, then leave it.

@Oblomov22

I think OP is extrapolating her own childhood experience into this. She was in bed? How often? Once she said this. I myself jump back into bed with a cup of tea at every opportunity. She doesn't drive kids to school. Kids are happy, neat, on time.

How many times exactly have you smelt this smell on her? What frequency? In the morning, 3 times, over the last qtr?

Do you what you see fit. Sounds like you intend to report to school. If you are right, Your'll feel ok, having done the right thing.

If you are wrong, SS get involved, I'd never talk to you again, and many other playground mums might not either. And you are only in reception, so 6 years is a long time.

If the OP is wrong, social services won't get involved. It's that simple.

As an ex social worker here, I would mention to school. It is a safeguarding issue if she stinks of booze. They may have a number of notes on the family, social services may also. It's not sticking your nose in it's acknowledging everyone has a place in keeping kids safe. Often it comes to nothing but a repeated pattern may emerge and support may be needed. You just don't know

@ChampagneLassie

I’ve already said she has a husband

@ANameChangeAgain

Before you run to SS make sure she doesn't have a form of diabetes!

People that are on very low carb diets often produce a huge amount of ketones that can smell very similar to alcohol and they are breathed out so very easy to mix them up and think it's booze. I know as my dad is VERY low carb and he always smells a bit like vodka/alcohol despite being T total for 4 years ( in a nursing home).

[quote Curiousaboutthoughts]@ChampagneLassie

I’ve already said she has a husband[/quote]
Sorry I must have missed that. In which case I'd still do same OR just report as safeguarding issue, if you don't want to be that involved.

@PurpleDaisies

Yes, really. I’m a teacher. When I’ve had concerns about parents I’ve discussed them with the safeguarding person. That’s a totally appropriate thing to do. You don’t think a parent stinking of alcohol on the school run is concerning?

No it isnt leave people alone.

the amount of people on MN writing threads about coke, who know loads of users and that doesn't cause a smell so you wouldn't give a shit about that but your put people thru the hell of SS just because they smell of booze and have done nothing concerning?

get over yourself.

the amount of people on MN writing threads about coke, who know loads of users and that doesn't cause a smell so you wouldn't give a shit about that but your put people thru the hell of SS just because they smell of booze and have done nothing concerning?

What a stupid comment.

If it were visibly obvious that a parent was doing coke of course people would 'give a shit' about it.

Because it's totally normal and non concerning isn't it, everyone turns up on the school run reeking of booze Except they don't. It's a massive red flag.

@VelvetChairGirl

You don't think if a parent was thought to be abusing cocaine that should be raised as a potential safeguarding concern?

Having a smell is partially irrelevant. The OP has reason(s) to suspect her friend is abusing alcohol, and this is impacting on her in the daytime when caring for her children. That absolutely IS a potential safeguarding issue.

I don't understand why you and others are becoming so aggressive when faced with someone who has safeguarding awareness training confirms that this is a potential issue. Maybe you need to look at what your own concerns are.

I kind of understand the confusion of some posters on here...you do see other threads where people say "I know a couple who are top professionals with families and they secretly do coke at the weekends". I don't think I've ever seen anyone respond with "why haven't you immediately reported this"?

As I've already said, I was raised by addicts and I don't even drink alcohol - I'm completely teetotal. But I can also understand why people are confused at the apparent double standards.

That said, clearly, if this mum is doing the pick up at 3pm and she either still smells strongly of booze from the night before OR has been day drinking on her own, something clearly isn't right and I would probably report too. Wouldn't expect an awful lot of action, but I'm jaded like that!

I have worked in a number of places where drinks at lunch or at certain meetings if we were celebrating something, was the norm. That was in offices. In my hospitality job, managers (who have young children at home), have go do wine tastings from any time from about 9am, (they don't spit - I've seen them doing the tastings). I know this mum isn't doing those things btw, but I do question why anyone thinks those things are OK but this is a clear issue which must be reported.

Indeed @MaiaJayne for a completely unrelated matter I have contacted a safeguarding lead with concerns I had for a child. Whilst the person I spoke with kept an absolute professional manner & kept the child’s confidence, it was apparent that the child was on their radar.

Because of my background knowledge, I could share some additional insight beyond the immediate concerns & this gave a greater granularity & nuance about the young person’s situation.

I had some trepidation about contacting the safeguarding lead, I did so after sharing my concerns with a couple of friends who were social workers & followed their advice. It took me a couple of days to reflect upon what I did or did not know, to be clear about my purpose, to sense check that I wasn’t panicking or tittle-tattling.

Contacting the safe guarding lead was the right thing to do, & I would do so again if I had reasonable concerns about a child or vulnerable adult.

@BellatrixOnABadDay

the amount of people on MN writing threads about coke, who know loads of users and that doesn't cause a smell so you wouldn't give a shit about that but your put people thru the hell of SS just because they smell of booze and have done nothing concerning?

What a stupid comment.

If it were visibly obvious that a parent was doing coke of course people would 'give a shit' about it.

Because it's totally normal and non concerning isn't it, everyone turns up on the school run reeking of booze Except they don't. It's a massive red flag.

how can it be visable? people dont walk around with powder all over their nose.

smell has nothing to do with behaviour, there has been no mention at all about her behaviour or that of her children so there is no reason to pester the family with accusations just because someone smells, tonnes of addicts of illegal drugs dont smell so I guess that makes it ok then.

[quote kittensinthekitchen]@VelvetChairGirl

You don't think if a parent was thought to be abusing cocaine that should be raised as a potential safeguarding concern?

Having a smell is partially irrelevant. The OP has reason(s) to suspect her friend is abusing alcohol, and this is impacting on her in the daytime when caring for her children. That absolutely IS a potential safeguarding issue.

I don't understand why you and others are becoming so aggressive when faced with someone who has safeguarding awareness training confirms that this is a potential issue. Maybe you need to look at what your own concerns are.[/quote]
no the OP is projecting her own childhood hang ups on someone else and making assumptions based on those.

@VelvetChairGirl

the amount of people on MN writing threads about coke, who know loads of users and that doesn't cause a smell so you wouldn't give a shit about that

What are you on about? I'm pretty sure the posters who would flag this to a safeguarding lead would also do the same if they knew a parent who was coked up on the school run.

You do realise there isn't a MN hivemind and different posters have different opinions, yes?

You disagree with some people on here about this for example. Weirdly aggressively in fact.

just because they smell of booze

What a ridiculous comment. It would be because they regularly smell of booze, in the day, when getting their kids from school.

If someone was doing cocaine regularly I would also report that! Honestly some of these comments are so fucked up. I like this woman but she quite clearly has an alcohol problem and that’s not great for her children. As it wouldn’t be if she had any other type of drug addiction.

What assumption would make if someone was leaking booze from their pores at least once a week during the day? That they are a gym bunny?!

I kind of understand the confusion of some posters on here...you do see other threads where people say "I know a couple who are top professionals with families and they secretly do coke at the weekends". I don't think I've ever seen anyone respond with "why haven't you immediately reported this"?

You don't see the difference between that hypothetical situation and someone saying they know a couple who are top professionals with families and are regularly coked up on the school run?

Because the latter is the drug equivalent of the OP and if it was shared on here then you'd be hard pressed to find posters who said OP would be wrong to flag it to the safeguarding lead. She'd be actively encouraged to do so, in fact.

@labyrinthlaziness

If something happens to those children you would have played a role in that by turning a blind eye

No.

Yes we all have a responsibility to safeguard children's welfare. I'm not talking about legally although some people do depending on job role but rather morally. Are you saying if you chose to not report a concern and something happened to that child you wouldn't feel a bit responsible? It's a phone call.

@VelvetChairGirl

tonnes of addicts of illegal drugs dont smell so I guess that makes it ok then

Show me a poster on this thread who has said it is 'ok' to be high on drugs while looking after kids?

You can't. So you're arguing against an imaginary point of view that nobody on here has!

Nobody is saying it's ok to be coked up on the school run because that doesn't have a smell?! Nobody would ever say that because it doesn't make sense!

It's not the fact there is an unpleasant smell that OP has an issue with, it's the fact that it's a smell that indicates this mum might be regularly under the influence on the school run.

You sound like you're spoiling for a fight and aren't actually reading what people are saying properly.

See it here all the time.

"Hey MN, so there's this mum I know, seen her under the influence of cocaine a few times on a night out - you know what like! Now she's started coming on the school run with pupils like dinner plates and white powder residue under her nose. Last week she paid me back a tenner she owed me and it had been rolled up and was covered in powder. What should I do?"

"Oh god, butt out. She's clearly going through a hard time. Maybe just ask if she needs company next time?"

"Mind your own business. A lot of us need a line or two to get through the day."

"As long as she's not driving, what's the problem?"

"Are you sure she doesn't work in the local bakery? Could be flour on her face surely!"

"Have you ever seen her kids high? No, then she's obviously not!"

"Has she got a husband?"

@kittensinthekitchen

Just because people say stupid stuff like
That, does it make it right?

I’m seriously worried about how many people don’t think that drinking to excess regularly as a parent isn’t a serious issue. Is this that common?!

If you’re the mother who smells of alcohol and the school safeguarding lead has a quiet word and you’re not alcohol dependent- but it’s diabetes/hand gel/perfume/lack of washing/work a second job in a bar etc then you’ll just explain, feel a bit embarrassed and move on.

If you do have a growing alcohol dependency then you’re much more likely to be shocked into doing something about it.

If you’re in denial and can’t do anything about it and it keeps escalating, then you really did need safeguarding intervention for your children.

[quote youvegottenminuteslynn]@VelvetChairGirl

the amount of people on MN writing threads about coke, who know loads of users and that doesn't cause a smell so you wouldn't give a shit about that

What are you on about? I'm pretty sure the posters who would flag this to a safeguarding lead would also do the same if they knew a parent who was coked up on the school run.

You do realise there isn't a MN hivemind and different posters have different opinions, yes?

You disagree with some people on here about this for example. Weirdly aggressively in fact.

just because they smell of booze

What a ridiculous comment. It would be because they regularly smell of booze, in the day, when getting their kids from school. [/quote]
she said 30% of the time she sees her, that isnt explaining much, how often a week does she see her, that 30% could just be monday mornings.

she is adamant its booze because of hang ups from her childhood making her quick to jump to conclusions and judge.

we have another people on here claiming if a diabetic stank they would be so bad they would be in a hospital, not so my sister stank for years and it took years to get her diagnosed as the GP kept accusing her of having an eating disorder.

I wouldnt wish SS on anyone they are evil, they ignore everything except what they think, they dont read case files, they judge and make threats. had enough trouble with them myself, cant get a kid assessed for ASD in this country for love nor money but you can sure get SS threatening to take them away a the drop of a hat because they say stupid things at school.

oh yes they didnt report it or give a stuff when my son claimed a teacher tried to claw his eyes out, or when he claimed one punched him, or when he claimed one body slamed him at school, threw him at a wall etc, but they are quick to report to SS when its me he's saying rubbish about when he hasnt got a mark on him, and the schools sit there and ignore him smashing pens and scratching his face up with the broken bits and banging his head against walls/tables.

Unless you see something happening why on gods earth would you want to put anyone thru the hell of SS?

@Curiousaboutthoughts

I agree with you. I was trying to highlight how ridiculous some of the excuses people are making for (possibly their own) alcohol consumption.

It's definitely not normal, and its definitely not okay.