School mother smells of alcohol

[Curiousaboutthoughts]

NC for this as my usual account is pretty revealing. There’s a mother at school - I really like her, she’s fun and her children are great. However, several times I have now noticed that she absolutely STINKS of stale alcohol during the school run. I guess I just want to know peoples thoughts about this. I can’t really do anything and I’m not trying to be judgemental (honest!) but it’s hard to connect the part of me which really likes her to the part of me that finds this off-putting. My parents are both alcoholics so I am biased though.

Or if you can’t go in (reasonable enough under current circs), it’s a phone conversation.

I can’t go in which I why I said on previous page I will call. I think I can explain best verbally

Whoever the op tells will immediately put it down in writing anyway. They may ask the op to write down the details.

And if that’s the process, fair enough. But a verbal conversation in the first instance is absolutely what I would do.

Emailing in to effectively say -

• Xxxx smells strong of alcohol
• Xxx times a week
• She is a regular drinker
• Right, over to you to deal with…

… seems inadvisable, at best.

It’s certainly not what I would do, and I’d be dubious of anyone in a safe-guarding position advising or recommending it.

I think it would be fair to say that @DryOldCaper’s view about not emailing any meaningful information is not a mainstream one.

I would expect a follow up call/meeting after sending an email and if I didn’t get an acknowledgment, I would follow it up myself with a call checking it had been received.

It’s fine to phone instead. There’s absolutely nothing wrong with sending a detailed email though.

@PurpleDaisies

If I share more confidential information and ask them not to relay this back to her as it would 100% be linked back to me, would they listen to that? It makes my argument more compelling but I really don’t want to be associated with this from her in case they do talk to her

OP your comments will be logged as a concern and a note put on your child's 'file' and the other child's.

Parents can (and do) request to see these. They can also be used by social workers etc when building a case or investigating, or even read out in court.

In my school it would be logged as either your initials or 'A Parent' said XYZ, then linked to your child's account (like tagging).

@PurpleDaisies

I think it would be fair to say that *@DryOldCaper*’s view about not emailing any meaningful information is not a mainstream one.

I would expect a follow up call/meeting after sending an email and if I didn’t get an acknowledgment, I would follow it up myself with a call checking it had been received.

It’s fine to phone instead. There’s absolutely nothing wrong with sending a detailed email though.

‘Not emailing any meaningful information’?

You’re calling up to make an appointment to relay the ‘meaningful information’.

I know people seem to terrified of actually having conversations these days, but this seems extreme.

The idea is to relay the ‘meaningful information’, just in a conversation - which removes ambiguity or intent/tone being taken the wrong way - and enables back-and-forth, questions to be asked, issues to be immediately clarified.

I have a friend who I’ve known for a long time, it may even be your friend.. 3 children etc I’ve had my suspicions for a while but never said anything, I’ve just tried to be a better, more supportive friend to her and yes it’s all come out now that she has an alcohol problem and depression and unhappy marriage.
I’ve advised her to get counselling, which she has done and if I thought that her kids were neglected or in danger in any way i would talk to her first about that because we’re good friends and have a deeper level relationship now.
I support her by being a good friend and giving her support (and honesty) but I’d say tread carefully with a new friend.
I certainly wouldn’t go to the school unless you feel that it’s a safeguarding issue.

Not read tft but I can't see why you'd interfere here. Maybe she went out for lunch and had a glass of wine? Maybe she does that every week ?Perfectly reasonable !

Once you email in, with details of your concerns - and the mother’s name - there can be no guarantee of anonymity.

You haven’t even been able to ask about anonymity, nor get any assurances about it.

@HandWash

If that’s the case that’s quite off putting - I really don’t want a problem like this linked to my child and I don’t want it linked to me either so that it causes issues for several years at the school.

@Dryoldcaper

The OP has the DSLs email. It would not be 'for anyone to see'.

And in writing is always best where possible. Otherwise its the DSLs recount of what you said. 1st hand accounts are always preferable.

The OP was asking for ways to broach the subject with the DSL. After what a brief email I would absolutely expect a follow up, but it can be hard to make that initial contact. A simple couple of sentences is enough to explain what you want to talk to the DSL about without going into too much detail initially. The DSL will know what questions to ask you (whether they needs dates/times/location etc).

A phone call is also fine of course, but that is poor advice to not have it writing or not name names.

As for the misremembering, I wasn't talking about the OP misremembering but whatever the OP discloses to the DSL, the DSL will have to put into writing later on. Of course things mentioned get misremembered from time to time when heard verballyand not writtendown immediately!

Do you think I can ask re anonymity before saying anything? I don’t want this to become a drama in my life I just want to flag it because I’m uncomfortable with what I know and the potential impact on the children/think it’s the right thing to do

@HandWash

OP your comments will be logged as a concern and a note put on your child's 'file' and the other child's.

Parents can (and do) request to see these. They can also be used by social workers etc when building a case or investigating, or even read out in court.

In my school it would be logged as either your initials or 'A Parent' said XYZ, then linked to your child's account (like tagging).

If the parent makes a request, sensitive information is blacked out (e.g. email addresses and names other than school staff, parent & child). Some confidential information can still be withheld if it for protection purposes (which this would be).

Please do not try to scare people from reporting with inaccuracies.

I'd have a chat with her myself, difficult though that is. I've had involvement with social services (due to abusive ex) and I would have to be very very sure before I wished that on anyone else. Awful and appalling . I've never had an addiction but I imagine I would respond to a friend especially if I hadn't admitted to myself I had a problem - but would probably spiral with social services involved . And I've also had experience of school safeguarding and not been impressed . It's a very difficult position for you OP. I think I'd have a chat and help her find support. Eg with my dv experience there was a local charity who were incredible.

@Curiousaboutthoughts

Do you think I can ask re anonymity before saying anything? I don’t want this to become a drama in my life I just want to flag it because I’m uncomfortable with what I know and the potential impact on the children/think it’s the right thing to do

Yes, and I fully empathise with your concerns, which I why I’d call and ask to speak with the safe-guarding lead.

I maintain - there’s is zero way I’d be writing out details and naming names - and then hitting send.

[quote Curiousaboutthoughts]@HandWash

If that’s the case that’s quite off putting - I really don’t want a problem like this linked to my child and I don’t want it linked to me either so that it causes issues for several years at the school.[/quote]
Seriously just mind your own business you clearly don't want it coming back on you so don't be that person

Honestly OP - just call and arrange a convo, and be guided by the school and their processes.

Rather than us lot on here.

@DryOldCaper

Once you email in, with details of your concerns - and the mother’s name - there can be no guarantee of anonymity.

You haven’t even been able to ask about anonymity, nor get any assurances about it.

If the DSL can't assure the OP of anonymity then they're not fit to be in position. The ONLY way they could be asked to name the OP was if it went to court (at which point OPs little report on smelling alcohol would barely be an issue anyway).

I think you are going to have to judge whether to make a comment to the school's safeguarding person based on this woman's behaviour (in the widest possible sense) as well as just what she smells like!

Don't jump to conclusions, but for the benefit of the child, do keep an eye on the situation.

@PurpleDaisies

I would drop an email to the school safeguarding person saying you’ve noticed this and you’re a bit concerned. They are in the best position to decide whether/how to proceed.

This is a good idea. Even just a quick phone call to the school and it can be logged.

If the DSL can't assure the OP of anonymity then they're not fit to be in position. The ONLY way they could be asked to name the OP was if it went to court (at which point OPs little report on smelling alcohol would barely be an issue anyway).

But that’s my entire point - I’d be wanting to get the assurances anonymity (and process) before saying what I had to say.

How is this controversial?

As I say, I suggest the OP asks to speak with the safe-guarding lead at the school, find out what their process is, and then tell them what she has to say - by whichever means is most appropriate.

I would not be firing off information and names into the ether.

I’d caution against “reporting” this. For starters you have no evidence.

It’s very different if a member of staff raises concerns (and that’d be linked more to the child’s demeanour, cleanliness, work etc.) than a random parent saying “she smells, I think she drinks”.

Write an email; it might be libellous.

Have a chat; it might be slanderous.

You cannot assume you won’t be identified and you may end up being sued.

If you are perfect and your parenting is beyond reproach then go for it.

Otherwise, don’t.

None of us is perfect.

At the start of the conversation I had with the safeguarding lead on the phone, I asked for & was assured of total confidentiality.

Anything I said on the call I would have stood by if the parents had been told & they asked me about what I had said, but I wanted to have the ‘contract’ at that moment with the safeguarding lead.

The absolute purpose of the call was to support the wellbeing of the child, & the outcome was in this instance that extra support was provided.