School mother smells of alcohol

[Curiousaboutthoughts]

NC for this as my usual account is pretty revealing. There’s a mother at school - I really like her, she’s fun and her children are great. However, several times I have now noticed that she absolutely STINKS of stale alcohol during the school run. I guess I just want to know peoples thoughts about this. I can’t really do anything and I’m not trying to be judgemental (honest!) but it’s hard to connect the part of me which really likes her to the part of me that finds this off-putting. My parents are both alcoholics so I am biased though.

People defending not reporting this are either defensive about their own drinking, or have fundamentally misunderstood what will happen and think reporting a safeguarding concern to school is a hotline to Social Services removing the children immediately.

@VelvetChairGirl

I wouldnt wish SS on anyone they are evil, they ignore everything except what they think, they dont read case files, they judge and make threats. had enough trouble with them myself, cant get a kid assessed for ASD in this country for love nor money but you can sure get SS threatening to take them away a the drop of a hat because they say stupid things at school.

oh yes they didnt report it or give a stuff when my son claimed a teacher tried to claw his eyes out, or when he claimed one punched him, or when he claimed one body slamed him at school, threw him at a wall etc, but they are quick to report to SS when its me he's saying rubbish about when he hasnt got a mark on him, and the schools sit there and ignore him smashing pens and scratching his face up with the broken bits and banging his head against walls/tables.

I'm really sorry you and your son have had such a tough time and hope you've had some help and support which everyone deserves.

But reading your post back surely you can see that you accusing other people of projecting or being quick to jump to conclusions is hypocritical and tbh bizarre. You're doing exactly that, hugely projecting.

[quote youvegottenminuteslynn]@VelvetChairGirl

tonnes of addicts of illegal drugs dont smell so I guess that makes it ok then

Show me a poster on this thread who has said it is 'ok' to be high on drugs while looking after kids?

You can't. So you're arguing against an imaginary point of view that nobody on here has!

Nobody is saying it's ok to be coked up on the school run because that doesn't have a smell?! Nobody would ever say that because it doesn't make sense!

It's not the fact there is an unpleasant smell that OP has an issue with, it's the fact that it's a smell that indicates this mum might be regularly under the influence on the school run.

You sound like you're spoiling for a fight and aren't actually reading what people are saying properly. [/quote]
your missing my point you wouldnt know they are coked up unless they were behaving in a concerning way, there is no smell.

this womann isnt doing anything concerning, the OP just thinks she smells and is convinced she's an alcoholic because the smell reminds her of childhood.

Oh and @VelvetChairGirl, OP has been encouraged to flag this to the school's safeguarding lead. Not 'report to SS'. It is for the safeguarding lead to make a judgement call on whether SS is an appropriate referral for the mum.

@VelvetChairGirl

your missing my point you wouldnt know they are coked up unless they were behaving in a concerning way, there is no smell.

The irony! I've not said there is a smell when people are coked up, I've specifically said it doesn't have a smell - here are my words from the previous post: "Nobody is saying it's ok to be coked up on the school run because that doesn't have a smell".

I understand from your recent posts that you had a traumatic time with SS but you're projecting that onto a situation by derailing the conversation into something about a topic that is irrelevant here. And saying that people would have a certain opinion (that being coked up on the school run is fine) when nobody has said that or would say that...

she is adamant its booze because of hang ups from her childhood making her quick to jump to conclusions and judge

Christ alive. I’m adamant it’s booze because I recognise the smell, because of several other stories she has told related to alcohol, because I’ve seen her blind drunk and heard a few other things. There are many reasons I don’t want to go into. I didn’t realise that people would be so ridiculous and come up with every excuse under the sun that it might NOT be alcohol. It’s alcohol. Trust me.

My bias made me concerned about handling it properly/in a proportionate manner. It didn’t make me question whether I had identified the problem accurately. I have.

[quote youvegottenminuteslynn]@VelvetChairGirl

I wouldnt wish SS on anyone they are evil, they ignore everything except what they think, they dont read case files, they judge and make threats. had enough trouble with them myself, cant get a kid assessed for ASD in this country for love nor money but you can sure get SS threatening to take them away a the drop of a hat because they say stupid things at school.

oh yes they didnt report it or give a stuff when my son claimed a teacher tried to claw his eyes out, or when he claimed one punched him, or when he claimed one body slamed him at school, threw him at a wall etc, but they are quick to report to SS when its me he's saying rubbish about when he hasnt got a mark on him, and the schools sit there and ignore him smashing pens and scratching his face up with the broken bits and banging his head against walls/tables.

I'm really sorry you and your son have had such a tough time and hope you've had some help and support which everyone deserves.

But reading your post back surely you can see that you accusing other people of projecting or being quick to jump to conclusions is hypocritical and tbh bizarre. You're doing exactly that, hugely projecting. [/quote]
I am simply saying that unless the kids are turning up starving and going thru bins I wouldnt report anything.

All SS do is take kids and dump them in god awful children's homes, I know two parents of ASD kids who had theres taken away because of behaviour issues and had to fight to get them back and diagnosed.

SS care as much about families as the DWP does about the unemployed, they dont help they make things worse.

Honestly someone smelling 30% of the time you meet them means nothing, if she was driving I would understand but the OP says she isnt, she just smells sometimes.

[quote youvegottenminuteslynn]@VelvetChairGirl

your missing my point you wouldnt know they are coked up unless they were behaving in a concerning way, there is no smell.

The irony! I've not said there is a smell when people are coked up, I've specifically said it doesn't have a smell - here are my words from the previous post: "Nobody is saying it's ok to be coked up on the school run because that doesn't have a smell".

I understand from your recent posts that you had a traumatic time with SS but you're projecting that onto a situation by derailing the conversation into something about a topic that is irrelevant here. And saying that people would have a certain opinion (that being coked up on the school run is fine) when nobody has said that or would say that...[/quote]
you've just missed the point again.

Jesus Christ. That’s your threshold @VelvetChairGirl for reporting?! Not bruises or other signs? Not showing up blind drunk? I’m
Not reporting to SS I’m
Going to mention it to the school so they can keep an eye out.

All SS do is take kids and dump them in god awful children's homes

With respect, as a now adult who was an abandoned. fostered and then adopted child this absolutely isn't true. You cannot state this as a fact - that this is 'all' they do.

Sometimes SS don't do enough. Often, in fact. Look at the recent cases in the last year alone where multiple reports were made, with photographic evidence and still children weren't removed from dangerous homes.

The system is broken on many levels and people are failed. That doesn't mean that the bar for people flagging potential problems to a safeguarding lead (different to 'reporting to SS') should be as low as kids turning up starving and going through bins.

I think you're (understandably to an extent due to your trauma) unable to see this objectively as you had such a bad experience of them.

But some kids have been saved by intervention from safeguarding leads and SS too.

Some extremely odd and aggressive posts on this thread think op has touched a nerve. Definitely report I think you have a duty to.

Reporting to the school isn't necessarily going to mean SS involvement. It's really important that any concerns are raised to the school safeguarding lead. Safeguarding in schools can be a gradual process. One person reports that a parent is struggling then it is probably noted and filed accordingly. If two more parents, the child's class teacher and maybe another relative reports a concern then a picture is built up and action can be taken. The Safeguarding lead in school will be trained in the process and will know what the trigger points for external involvement are. That involvement will certainly not be carrying the children away at the first report.

School staff undertake training annually instructing them to report any concern however small for exactly this reason.

Reporting to the school is exactly the right thing to do OP. Good on you for asking.

this woman isn’t doing anything concerning

Doing the school run reeking of alcohol is already concerning. That warrants a check in to make sure everything is ok.

@MsTSwift

Some extremely odd and aggressive posts on this thread think op has touched a nerve

Quite!

I am simply saying that unless the kids are turning up starving and going thru bins I wouldnt report anything.

Jesus what horrific standards you have- if that is your limit for contacting them.

I am simply saying that unless the kids are turning up starving and going thru bins I wouldnt report anything.

Obviously written by someone who has never been trained in spotting potential indicators of child neglect or abuse.

this is making me feel bad about another situation years ago, when i didn't take action and perhaps should have done.
25+ years ago in macdonalds.
i was with a woman from work, she had children, i didn't.
a saturday afternoon.
not much seating, we looked around, found somewhere, spent over an hour chatting there.
noticed a small girl at one table with ? father.
she kept asking for extra items and he gave her money to go up to counter and order. he stayed at table, slumped. eventually head on table. child kept clearing table, trying to do something useful.
i said should we report it somewhere. the woman i was with, a mother, said no, you don't know the whole situation, can't interfere with parents and children etc.
this was before mobile phones. but wish i had not deferred to her opinion. that child was anxious, trying to be good, to make it right.

I am simply saying that unless the kids are turning up starving and going thru bins I wouldnt report anything.

Jesus. That's spectacularly low standards.

We were always well turned out - best way to hide bruises and burns is to have well kempt kids in full uniform. Also any food being stolen or rifled for was always done in secret. My teacher was the first to spot it as I just wasn't as good at hiding it as my older siblings.

SS certainly Don't just "take kids away fir no reason and dump them in children's homes" what a bizarre mindset. If there are no issues, SS won't have to act, if parents and kids get the support they need that's the best outcome. If children do end up being taken then the parents would have had to be neglectful/ abusive. OP you're right to be concerned and definitely think you need to report to safeguarding.

@JustLyra

I’m sorry 💐

@Peoniesandcream

SS certainly Don't just "take kids away fir no reason and dump them in children's homes" what a bizarre mindset. If there are no issues, SS won't have to act, if parents and kids get the support they need that's the best outcome. If children do end up being taken then the parents would have had to be neglectful/ abusive. OP you're right to be concerned and definitely think you need to report to safeguarding.

Social services don't even take away kids that most people, if given the details, would think absolutely should be taken away.

Parents are given multiple chances to fix things.

And the threshold for even basic intervention is very, very high.

@JustLyra Exactly my point

Some people on this thread are very, very angry with you, OP.

Interesting to watch.

Sorry for the situation you’re in. And for your past experiences.

@Curiousaboutthoughts this has been a really good post. I hope hearing posters experience of abuse/alcohol has helped some people realise the importance of standing up for children.

An alcoholic parent is so miserable for the children to the extent that I personally think it’s worse than drugs when it comes to how it affects personality. So I would definitely do something.
Personally I would have a discreet word with her and see if anything changes. Some people would be so mortified and humiliated that it might jolt them into altering behavior.
If nothing changed, then yes I would send an email to the school.