School mother smells of alcohol

[Curiousaboutthoughts]

NC for this as my usual account is pretty revealing. There’s a mother at school - I really like her, she’s fun and her children are great. However, several times I have now noticed that she absolutely STINKS of stale alcohol during the school run. I guess I just want to know peoples thoughts about this. I can’t really do anything and I’m not trying to be judgemental (honest!) but it’s hard to connect the part of me which really likes her to the part of me that finds this off-putting. My parents are both alcoholics so I am biased though.

Heard bad things about SS so give her a chance first I’d say

‘A discreet word with her’.

I’d love to know what those discreet word are, or should be.

When they would/should take place, and how people think they will be received.

And whether a 6-month friendship could be sustained as a result of them.

Suggesting ‘a discreet word’ on a thread is a million miles away from actually being the person who has to come up with, and deliver, the words.

Right, so it takes a lot of gumption to approach someone with the right words in order to “give them a chance first” as I term it.

Let’s see.

“ xxx sorry, do you mind if I ask you something? It’s just that I can smell alcohol on you.”

—- wait for response

“It’s quite noticeable”

— conversation develops

A response from a normal person after a discreet word like that would be to carry on drinking and avoid OP, in which case yes, it could be escalated.

Or.. for most people , a mortified humiliation to the point where they address the problem and stop turning up at school reeking of booze

Sorry, I meant “ a response from a normal person would be to respond to the conversation in some way— and if that response is to avoid the OP then it should be escalated

How would you guys word an email to the school? Have spoken to DH about this who understands my history and obviously knows a lot more of the details around this mother and more of the identifying information and he strongly agrees the information is not good. He thinks I should send an anonymous email, so that there’s no backfiring but that I know I’ve done what I need to do and the school are aware. Not really sure how to phrase though as I’ve never done this before

Although to be fair if she is a classic alcoholic then I personally would be terrified to have that conversation with her...
But OP says she is nice and lovely etc etc so that’s why I say have a word first

I can’t speak to her in person. There is just no upside to it as far as I can see - she is in no way going to respond well to that and I know that someone else has commented on her parenting before (again I don’t want to dripfeed and I told this to another poster via private message from the beginning, in more detail) and it has changed nothing and gone down extremely badly.

Thing is I’m torn between just speaking to the safeguarding lead, who is a teacher I know and who I’ve looked up. I could just speak to her directly.

Worse case scenario if she is a bona fida alcoholic is that a switch will flip in her and she will responds with rage towards you, even if she doesn’t shout loudly, and it will rekindle your trauma.

Yeah, just e- mail the school.

Hi OP I'm sorry I haven't RTFT but just popping on to say I had a similar situation (parent clearly drunk at pick up). I called the class teacher on the phone and said I regrettably had a safeguarding concern, it was not malicious and I really hoped I was mistaken. I did not speak to anyone else about it at all. The teacher was really appreciative - they said staff were suspicious and had been trying to ascertain the situation to get some support for the family but due to Covid measures they hadn't been able to get close to the parents to check the smell etc. I think you'd be doing the right thing to flag this with the school - safeguarding is everyone's responsibility.

Ok sorry I realise I’m really speaking to myself now and sound crazy but I think I will email the teacher directly as I know her/she knows I am friends with this person and therefore I can be more open and honest and give all of the facts/explain they are in confidence and that I think friend is a great mother - I just want to flag some things as my mother was an alcoholic and good to have school in the loop/aware.

@PurpleDaisies

Yes yes I will report! I more meant HOW/best way/what to say.

Options are now:

Email the safeguarding lead who I know
Call her

• hadn’t thought of the phone - thanks for that @CommonFishDiseases

I just wasn’t sure if to email anonymously or not but as I know the safeguarding lead it’s probably best not to be anonymous and just be direct about it and assume they won’t lead it back to me

Sorry I meant to quote @Londondreams1 telling you to have a word first!

I will call the school next week and have a chat

Dear DSL,

I just wanted to make you aware of something that has been concerning me. Xs mum in class 3H regularly (approx 2 times a week) strongly smells of stale alcohol. From conversation with her I know that she is a regular drinker. I hope I am not overstepping here, but believe this to be a safeguarding concern.

Curious

No, don't send it anonymously. It might be more suspect of being a hoax or malicious complaint that way.

I'd just point out that you have become friendly with parent of X and have noticed a few concerning things that make you think there could potentially be an issue worth being aware of, e.g. A, B and C.

Just be factual and non-apologetic.

@Shuffletime

Dear DSL,

I just wanted to make you aware of something that has been concerning me. Xs mum in class 3H regularly (approx 2 times a week) strongly smells of stale alcohol. From conversation with her I know that she is a regular drinker. I hope I am not overstepping here, but believe this to be a safeguarding concern.

Curious

Please don’t email this.

Either email the school and ask to make an appointment to speak with them. Or call and ask to speak with them.

Please don’t put your concerns down in writing, and please don’t actually name the Mum in your email.

That information should only be conveyed in an actual conversation.

I once stepped in regarding a safe guarding issue and as a result the family was relocated (obviously lots and lots and lots of issues and of course the family weren't relocated). Ive always wondered if i did the right thing or not. I think about those lovely children alot. My children and them were very close. I feel enormous guilt.

@dryoldcaper

Sorry, what? Down in writing is always best! Less risk of 'misremembering' or misunderstanding. Facts are down and cannot be fluffed or retracted. And how tf do you report it without naming????

Obviously the DSL may want to contact regarding the email. That would only be initial contact.

@DryOldCaper

Why not put it in writing?

Surely I have to say her name?!?

Please don’t put your concerns down in writing, and please don’t actually name the Mum in your email.

That information should only be conveyed in an actual conversation.*

Why should it only be face to face?

Of course you have to say her name. But not in the email.

That email, that I strongly suggest you don’t send, does nothing more than offload the information, thereby divulging you of anything. Dump and run, not your problem - it really doesn’t appear as you have a genuine welfare concern.

You either email or call the school - and then go in and speak with them about it. At which point, you outline what your concerns are, and of course mention her name.

Once you put anything in writing and hit send, you have zero control over who sees it, who it gets forwarded to, and who becomes privy to the information - all with your name attached to it.

And if you’re concerned that you might ‘misremember’ () facts, as a PP suggests, or forget anything, take notes with you to support the conversation.