AIBU to exclude DMIL’s close friend from funeral?

[HeyDuddy]

DMIL is in a hospice dying from kidney disease and advanced dementia. She created an end of life plan before she lost capacity which basically refused all medical care. Her friend is making my life hell (I am dealing with most of it as DH has cancer). She wrongly believes that I have stopped DMIL getting the care she needs, and will not believe it was DMIL’s wishes. I actually have nothing to do with the decision making- all doctors and nurses involved in her care have seen the document and will not give anything that isn’t absolutely necessary. For example she has morphine for pain but they refused a surgery that she could have had as it wouldn’t have significantly improved things. Her friend is being very vocal and telling everyone who will listen how we have stopped her getting the care she needs and we’re just after her money- she also said all this at the DMIL’s bedside at the hospice. She tried calling social services and the GP but they didn’t take anything any further and realised it was malicious. DMIL only has a few days left as she now is having almost no water and I am terrified of the scene she will make at the funeral. Without me telling her I don’t think she would find out the funeral details as she doesn’t have any other mutual friends with DMIL. AIBU to not give her the details and hope I never see her again.

So sorry for your trouble. I would pre empt her and say that you realise this is difficult for her but your MIL had specific wishes which you are following and are private. I would then say the funeral is private and leave it at that. No more engagement, visits or contact.

I think you would be absolutely correct not to tell her the details of the funeral. The last thing your family needs is a bampot screaming false allegations at such an event.

And I'm sorry for your imminent bereavement.

Why would you give this nutter the details? I'd be calling the police if her harrassment continues.

she may not be being malicious.
she may believe what she is saying.
it's very tricky. could you ask the nurse/doctor to explain the situation to her, if she is still around.
she probably feels protective of her old friend, and doesn't fully understand the situation. she may also be distorted in her thinking by grief.
i wish you well.

Put your DMIL and your family first, block the unreasonable person.

You could also ask the funeral directors (when the time comes) not to disclose any details or even confirm they are dealing with your DMIL.
(In case she starts phoning around FDs trying to find out.)
If she asks you, tell her it is private/family only, at your DMIL's request.

Thank you everyone. It’s hard to think clearly at the moment- I’m exhausted, terrified about what’s about to happen and DH is not feeling great. I really appreciate your input. In response to a couple of points I would say she does genuinely believe that we are acting with malicious intent. The GP refused to tell her too much but did say to her that she had no concerns about DMIL’s care and that she was very involved in all of it. DH and I have explained what the document says but she just won’t believe us and unfortunately we don’t actually have a copy of it. We only knew it existed when her GP told us about it. Unfortunately she won’t see reason so I don’t see that we have much choice but to shut her out. The stress is just too much and I really can’t see any way to get her to see the truth. Everything is misconstrued- we didn’t have her admitted to a hospice early enough (we tried, and were refused three times), we starved her (we didn’t, as part of her late stages she was only eating tiny amounts), we stopped giving her water (we were told only tiny sips as she is aspirating it and they said not drinking is normal at this stage). You get the idea.

Her friend is clearly very upset. Although it must be very difficult for you, it is your DMIL’s friend and she is doing what she believes is best for your DMIL, her friend. It is a difficult time for everyone but if you can find a way to include the friend in the funeral, you will be doing a good thing.

I think if she persists, you have cause for a cease and desist letter from a solicitor. I am certain your MIL’s GP could provide evidence if necessary.

Unfortunately no matter what you do, she’s likely to cause a scene.

Expect a lot of “ they didn’t invite me!! They are hiding something! I bet they killed her!”

I’m so sorry you’re going through this

@Justilou1

I think if she persists, you have cause for a cease and desist letter from a solicitor. I am certain your MIL’s GP could provide evidence if necessary.

Good idea. I absolutely would not be telling her anymore details of anything, I'd tell the nurses that should she phone or visit the hospice, no information is to be given. I also wouldn't tell her funeral info or even that she had passed until the funeral was over, as she may call around funeral directors to get information. And block her number from all your phones.

Could one of the nurses explain what they are doing/not doing and why to her. I assume even without that document most of what is happening now is what would be happening at this stage of her illness.

I am very sorry for everything that is happening in your family at the moment.

Although it must be very difficult for you, it is your DMIL’s friend and she is doing what she believes is best for your DMIL, her friend.

Everyone is always doing what they think best but that doesn't excuse the friend's behaviour or provide a solution to the harassment.

OP, you have tried to reason with this person; if you think there is nothing more you can do to convince her then you need to protect yourselves at this very difficult time.

Don't feel guilty for a moment- this woman's issues are not yours to fix.

If this is your mother's close friend
Then presumably she loves your mother very much
And is hurting too right now
I would invite her to the GP with you
Have the GP tell them about your mum's chosen medical plan
The more you shut her out from you family
The guiltier you look in her eyes
It would be nice for you both to come together now
For your Mum's sake
IMO

This is awful for you, especially at this most difficult time.
If she is still visiting your DMIL and trying to stir up trouble could you ask the hospice to refuse her admittance?

@blackdumpling

If this is your mother's close friend Then presumably she loves your mother very much And is hurting too right now I would invite her to the GP with you Have the GP tell them about your mum's chosen medical plan The more you shut her out from you family The guiltier you look in her eyes It would be nice for you both to come together now For your Mum's sake IMO

Take her to the GP? After what the OP stated in her second post?

The GP refused to tell her too much but did say to her that she had no concerns about DMIL’s care and that she was very involved in all of it. DH and I have explained what the document says but she just won’t believe us

Why should the OP manage this woman when she's dealing with her DH with cancer and her MIL who is end stage?

The woman needs to back off.

for you, OP.

@blackdumpling

If this is your mother's close friend Then presumably she loves your mother very much And is hurting too right now I would invite her to the GP with you Have the GP tell them about your mum's chosen medical plan The more you shut her out from you family The guiltier you look in her eyes It would be nice for you both to come together now For your Mum's sake IMO

The friend has already spoken to the the DMIL's GP who naturally would not give details but said that she, the GP, had no concerns about the care DMIL was receiving and that basically it was all being done in accordance with her wishes. The friend has persisted with her accusations despite this and it is causing the OP much distress. It does sound malicious.

At times like this, people can go into complete denial. I remember my aunt's best friend telling me brusquely that it was probably flu and it wasn't good for her to "take to her bed" and she'd "see her when she was feeling better". Aunt was days from death after suffering cancer for two fucking cruel years.

At the funeral she was inconsolable.

It’s so hard. The compassionate side of me wants to be kind and clings on to the idea that she will see the light. Then the fed up side of me kicks in and I think she could easily ruin the funeral by carrying on like this. DH is awake beside me and I just read him your replies. He said DMIL would be furious if she knew we were being put under this stress by her friend and would say to block her and move on, I think he’s right.

Also, thank you everyone so much for replying. The nights are long at the moment and every bit of compassion means so much

Can you arrange an appointment with her doctor at the hospital where the three of you sit down together and, with your authority, the doctor clearly explains the situation to your MIL’s friend? After that you may well find it’s OK to invite her to the funeral.

Oh OP, how awful.

My Great Grandmother went the same way - dementia then kidney disease, and also had documents stating what she did and didn’t want (written before she was diagnosed with dementia).

To me it’s a sensible thing to do, the state of her at the end, aged 98, I wouldn’t wish if on anyone.

Tell that batshit arsehole to fuck right off. Get her banned from visiting, don’t tell her a damn thing and don’t go getting a copy - you can’t reason with this level of cunt and she’ll just claim it’s forged.

Honestly, we really can’t go to the GP with her. There aren’t enough hours in the day and any time we waste on her now is time we’re not at the hospice in DMIL’s final days. The nurse at the hospice did try to help and say that she was having the dignified death she had chosen. She isn’t allowed to visit the hospice any more. You can only have six named visitors in total and it made sense to allow other people who would bring the calm DMIL needs at this time.

What a hard situation. Have a hug.

I am awake with toothache so can’t think very clearly but it is sensible to do what you need to in order to protect yourselves at what is already an upsetting time. I wouldn’t tell her when the funeral is, when that time comes. I would ask the medical staff for advice, or maybe the hospice chaplain, as I imagine they would have some insight. Or even if not, talking to someone kind but impartial might help your emotional health.

Rather than a legal type letter, could you hand write your Mum’s friend a letter, and pop it inside a nice card to be posted? I would write clearly and simply. You could reiterate that you can see she is very upset. The medical team are following DMIL’s wishes, recorded and witnessed by her solicitor, by making her as comfortable as they can. That MIL values their friendship very much. The situation is very hard and MIL still needs everyone’s support and love more than ever as she enters her final days.

It may be as a PP says, that she’s in some form of denial. So having it repeated, in writing in a nice way, might break her anger, clear space for her to grieve for her friend and make things easier for you. Sorry if this is a poor suggestion. Just trying to think of what I would do.

Apologies OP
I misread your update that "The GP wouldn't tell her too much"
You have clearly already tried to have the friend involved with your mother's health team
It sounds like a tricky & unenviable situation
If she threatens or harasses you
Then you need to report it to the authorities