AIBU to exclude DMIL’s close friend from funeral?

[HeyDuddy]

DMIL is in a hospice dying from kidney disease and advanced dementia. She created an end of life plan before she lost capacity which basically refused all medical care. Her friend is making my life hell (I am dealing with most of it as DH has cancer). She wrongly believes that I have stopped DMIL getting the care she needs, and will not believe it was DMIL’s wishes. I actually have nothing to do with the decision making- all doctors and nurses involved in her care have seen the document and will not give anything that isn’t absolutely necessary. For example she has morphine for pain but they refused a surgery that she could have had as it wouldn’t have significantly improved things. Her friend is being very vocal and telling everyone who will listen how we have stopped her getting the care she needs and we’re just after her money- she also said all this at the DMIL’s bedside at the hospice. She tried calling social services and the GP but they didn’t take anything any further and realised it was malicious. DMIL only has a few days left as she now is having almost no water and I am terrified of the scene she will make at the funeral. Without me telling her I don’t think she would find out the funeral details as she doesn’t have any other mutual friends with DMIL. AIBU to not give her the details and hope I never see her again.

@SiobhanSharpe

You could also ask the funeral directors (when the time comes) not to disclose any details or even confirm they are dealing with your DMIL. (In case she starts phoning around FDs trying to find out.) If she asks you, tell her it is private/family only, at your DMIL's request.

This and I am sorry you are being troubled at such a time. My late husband's employers had a "tradition" of turning up in force at funerals. He had said that he didn't care as he wouldn't be there but that I should arrange things the way that would be least painful/difficult for me. The undertakers were most helpful and confirmed that unless the family/close person said otherwise, they observed complete confidentiality and also that the did understand what I was saying (employers are a big company and well known locally). Its a teeny bit possible that your Mil's friends reaction could be caused by grief but still no reason to make your pain any worse.

@Supersimkin2

Wicked behaviour.

Age no excuse. Dementia likely and still no excuse.

I bet the friend has previous for malicious behaviour.

Suggest friend sees DM before she dies and the funeral is private. While friend is in hospice, ask a medic to point out none of her muse accusations is true, and to remind her the family can put the police on her for slander etc if she carries on.

Quite often malicious accusers shut up instantly the moment they’re called on it.

dementia is definitely a REASON and if that is the case then knowing the reason might bring some relief to the OP...but still no responsin=bility on the OP to do anything.

Though having read again, were they actually close in your MiL's eyes? Or is it all very one-sided?

I think you need to do what's best for your DH at the end of all this, whatever hurt it may cause anyone else.
As I said, I'd be devastated but that would be my problem, not yours

HeyDuddy I am really sorry to hear what you are going through

I had a similar although less extreme situation with a family member.

My aunty was dying and in a nursing home. My dad and his sister were NOK but very elderly so I was dealing with the home and doctors with their blessing. Aunty had a DNR and, in her lucid moments, extremely vocal about not returning to hospital and wanting to die "in her own room".

One of her friends was horrible to my parents - accusing them of wanting Aunty out of the way and how they had "always hated her". It went on for weeks and was increasingly extreme. It was truly bizarre.

I eventually blocked her from my parent's phones and what's app and left strict instructions with the nursing home that this person was not to try and contact Aunty. Apparently she had been coming to the home and trying to gain entry to bring her food and flowers (it was during lockdown and nobody was allowed in).

There were some mutual friends but fortunately they were all firmly on my parent's "side".

I didn't tell her when Aunty died and I didn't invite her to the funeral. Numbers allowed at funerals were seriously limited due to Covid anyway.

It was horrible and unnecessary behaviour at a very difficult time for my family. I'm still quite angry with her and if I met her in passing I would be giving her a piece of my mind.

I would honestly block this friend of your MIL OP. Do not tell her anything because she won't believe you anyway and you have way more important things happening. Don't feel guilty about doing what your MIL wanted you to do.

I'd be tempted to get a restraining order...

Absolutely don't tell her.

When my mum eventually passes away, no way am i telling any of my fathers side of the family as they are all horrible and why would i want them there at the wedding being spiteful and freeloading all the food and wine!

Your MILs funeral is a private occasion not to be messed up by one weirdo.

I must say, if I couldn't see my closest friend at such a time, I don't think I'd behave like her but I'd be absolutely devastated

Except she has seen her friend @Nanny0gg and she kicked off there too. Which is what caused nursing staff to have a word and then 'ban' her from visting again.

There really is little to excuse the behaviour. She is making up her own story out of wholecloth and OP, DH etc, don't have to spare her a thought.

@MrsLargeEmbodied

has her friend got any family or close friends who could talk to her

This is a great idea and what I was going to post myself. If you can talk to her son or daughter or another friend that might be the best way to deal with this.

@Darbs76

I don’t agree at all with sending the MIl’s private medical info to this lady. That’s a breach of her confidentiality / data protection and should not be done

this but also its likely that she wouldn't belive it anyway.

I had a very similar issue. My sibling left me in charge of all plans. She asked for me to exclude our father from all funeral plans and uninvite him due to issues she had with him and his life choices. Also ban him from visiting the hospice. However she did not tell him herself (did not want the drama). I did it and it caused all kinda of hatred towards me. I just stuck to my guns. Do what you have been asked and keep repeating "these are not my wishes, im simply following out what I have been told to do". I would ban her from the funeral and involve the police if she insists on telling people lies about you. However at the end of the day anyone who knows you and MIL will know youre telling the truth and theyre the only ones worth your time.

Block her. You’re dealing with more than enough. You have no reason to be sympathetic to her, she isn’t sympathetic with you!

So many people don't understand the process of dying, to the point that they can make cruel decisions for people without realising it. Things like insisting they are fed when they are in the final stages. The body can't take it and it is actually painful to the person to feed them. It is hard to reckon with because people associate food with love etc but it does need to be made more common knowledge what happens at end of life really.

I imagine some of this is coming from the friend. Perhaps if she's also elderly she's having some cognitive issues herself which is contributing. Or she's just a nasty person. Either way, I would not be inviting her.

I would be tempted to call her and tell her the time of the funeral is at 15.30 at ABC crematorium when in fact it's at 09.50 at XYZ crematorium.

Better still, get 'a friend that is helping you arrange the funeral' to impart this knowledge. That way, afterwards you can feign innocence and tell her you have no idea who called her and how sad it is that she missed it.

Having said that, whilst weddings are a matter for public record and reasonably any person is legally allowed to attend (with certain parameters), a funeral is private and you can arrange whatever measures you see fit to keep it thus.

I'm so sorry you are going through this, OP, it sounds so difficult for all of you and you must be stressed out of your mind.

Your priorities are:
-you and your DH taking care of yourselves--the put your own oxygen mask on first principle. Don't forget that professional bereavement support may help: www.cruse.org.uk/
-spending as much time as you can with your MIL and ensuring that her wishes are followed

DMIL's friend should be way, way down your list of priorities, if she's even on it at all. You don't owe her anything other than what has already been done, e.g. an explanation from the nurse that DMIL's private wishes are in fact being followed.

Sadly, because I know funerals are a really important way to honour loved ones and it's sad if the friend can't attend, I think you're 100% right to not invite her. You do not need any additional stress/aggression being directed at you and it's highly likely that's exactly what she would do. She has not earned the right to be invited to an event which should be focused on celebrating the life of your DMIL and supporting you and other family members as you grieve.

Best wishes

Obviously a grade 1 nutter. Cut her out.

@FruminariaBandersnatcheosum, why would you do that? That's just bizarre. Do you think that the OP will have the emotional energy to start game playing.

OP you don't owe her anymore head space. Unless she shows that she's come to her senses and there's been an apology, then she doesn't get an invite. I don't care how close friends I am with someone, they come before my adult children and if they were causing upset like this at a time my child had cancer, I'd want them cut out.

I’m sorry but if DMIL hasn’t had her around family and friends for 40 years there’s probably a reason. Sounds like she’s a incredibly spiteful person especially in regards to the comments she made on your DH cancer diagnosis, if she rings again tell her you won’t be engaging with her and she ought to be ashamed of herself, I’m sure if your DMIL wouldn’t be happy with the way she has carried on.

I absolutely would not cut her out of the funeral.

I would let kindness take over.

It's her close friend and she will be in bits and may well be acting irrationally due to distress of losing her friend and being completely powerless to intervene in anyway. I know when our father was in hospital with Covid in the first wave, we as family we all tearing our hair out at not knowing enough, not knowing what to do, not being able to accept what was happening. We weren't at our best.

Cutting people out of their last opportunity to say goodbye to a loved one is, in my honest opinion, very very cruel.

She may well make a scene - it will be nothing that hasn't been seen before when people are helpless and in grief.

[quote Ponoka7]@FruminariaBandersnatcheosum, why would you do that? That's just bizarre. Do you think that the OP will have the emotional energy to start game playing.

OP you don't owe her anymore head space. Unless she shows that she's come to her senses and there's been an apology, then she doesn't get an invite. I don't care how close friends I am with someone, they come before my adult children and if they were causing upset like this at a time my child had cancer, I'd want them cut out.[/quote]
Because the OP is concerned this loon will ruin the funeral. A friend could make one call to loon, send her on a wild goose chase and that would lessen the chance of a disrupted funeral by 99.9%.

It's cheap, simple and very likely to work.

If the loon carried on after the funeral, then is the time to get a cease and desist letter to her door but in the meantime I would get creative to avoid a scene on the day.

I would let kindness take over.

Maybe this woman should let kindness take over. Op has been more than kind in the face of pure venom. She can only take so much.

Cutting people out of their last opportunity to say goodbye to a loved one is, in my honest opinion, very very cruel.

Telling someone their cancer diagnosis is their own fault is much, much worse imo.

This woman deserves precisely no compassion at all.

OP honestly you are thinking about this all wrong. The way I read this is that this woman was, at best, an acquittance of your MIL, maybe someone she got on well enough with but maintained a casual friendship as she may have felt a bit sorry for her. They have no mutual friends so MIL didn't bring this woman into her broader friendship group, she was never invited to events with any other friends so was she ever at family weddings, birthdays or occasions?

This woman has crossed boundaries several times, she has spoken to your family GP and was reassured about MIL care, she has spoken to staff at hospice and was reassured about MIL care, she was so disruptive she was asked (told?) not to visit MIL again. The final insult for me is telling your DH that his own DF would have been ashamed that he has cancer. This woman deserves none of the kindness your family have given her, she certainly deserves no further consideration at this difficult time, that she seems hell bent on making more difficult. Block her on all phones and give her no further consideration, focus your time and energy on supporting your DH, saying goodbye to your MIL and making her passing as gentle as possible. for your family.

DH and I have explained what the document says but she just won’t believe us and unfortunately we don’t actually have a copy of it

It wouldn't matter if you did, since she'd probably claim you'd forced her to sign it, and I see the hospice nurse has already said this is what MIL has chosen so there seems little point in asking anyone else to "explain"

I'm so sorry you're having to cope with all this, but back with your main question I've always felt funerals are for the sake of the living, so I'd definitely do all I could to stop her being there. She'll rant and rave until the end of her days that "you killed MIL", but since you don't know the same people it hardly matters, and anyone who really knows her will probably see it for what it is anyway

@Gilda152

I absolutely would not cut her out of the funeral.

I would let kindness take over.

It's her close friend and she will be in bits and may well be acting irrationally due to distress of losing her friend and being completely powerless to intervene in anyway. I know when our father was in hospital with Covid in the first wave, we as family we all tearing our hair out at not knowing enough, not knowing what to do, not being able to accept what was happening. We weren't at our best.

Cutting people out of their last opportunity to say goodbye to a loved one is, in my honest opinion, very very cruel.

She may well make a scene - it will be nothing that hasn't been seen before when people are helpless and in grief.

Yeah! We tried that. And a scene ensued. It was fucking horrible and was far more than anyone, vicar included, had ever experienced before.

Our kindness caused untold misery for many people who had bugger all to do with the imagined sleight and made dealing with MIL taking her own life far, far more difficult than it already was.

Cutting out non related disruptors is something everyone should consider - should they find themselves in a similar position.

I suspect that OP fears that she or her DH will be publicly accused of actively killing MIL - as were DH and I. There is NOTHING cruel about avoiding that scenario. NOTHING!

@FruminariaBandersnatcheosum

I agree with @Ponoka7. This sort of game playing would be very undignified.

Also, giving this twat the wrong time, date and crematorium risks having her turn up at someone else's funeral and risks having her create a distressing scene for another grieving family when she immediately twigs what has happened. Not fair on anyone at all.

Just block her everywhere and tell her nothing.

Cutting people out of their last opportunity to say goodbye to a loved one is, in my honest opinion, very very cruel

And what about the cruelty to OP and her DH who's already not well? I'd normally agree that kindness is never wasted, but there seems little point in extending it if the "friend" is only going to use it to spit venom

I wouldn't normally lie about where and when the funeral is either, but under these circumstances it just might be a sensible idea