AIBU to exclude DMIL’s close friend from funeral?

[HeyDuddy]

DMIL is in a hospice dying from kidney disease and advanced dementia. She created an end of life plan before she lost capacity which basically refused all medical care. Her friend is making my life hell (I am dealing with most of it as DH has cancer). She wrongly believes that I have stopped DMIL getting the care she needs, and will not believe it was DMIL’s wishes. I actually have nothing to do with the decision making- all doctors and nurses involved in her care have seen the document and will not give anything that isn’t absolutely necessary. For example she has morphine for pain but they refused a surgery that she could have had as it wouldn’t have significantly improved things. Her friend is being very vocal and telling everyone who will listen how we have stopped her getting the care she needs and we’re just after her money- she also said all this at the DMIL’s bedside at the hospice. She tried calling social services and the GP but they didn’t take anything any further and realised it was malicious. DMIL only has a few days left as she now is having almost no water and I am terrified of the scene she will make at the funeral. Without me telling her I don’t think she would find out the funeral details as she doesn’t have any other mutual friends with DMIL. AIBU to not give her the details and hope I never see her again.

You have done more than enough OP, to reassure the friend, regarding MIL's care and end of life wishes.
You can do no more.
Don't engage with her for a moment longer - she won't be convinced of anything other than her own opinion.
You have more than enough to cope with just now, without this woman taking up any more of your time and energy.
Your MIL sounds like a wise woman.
A peaceful death is the best that any of us can hope for at the end.

I’d tell her it was booked for the day after the actual funeral. That way you don’t have to worry about her on the day and can let her know in the evening when it is all over.
She can then grieve on her own.

‘ If this is your mother's close friend
Then presumably she loves your mother very much
And is hurting too right now
I would invite her to the GP with you
Have the GP tell them about your mum's chosen medical plan
The more you shut her out from you family
The guiltier you look in her eyes
It would be nice for you both to come together now
For your Mum's sake
IMO’

I think this suggestion is a very good one, it mixes common sense & compassion. However, I have seen that OP has said that this is not feasible, so my thoughts turn to the pastoral care team - e.g. the councillors, the faith leaders & the medical team - to see if they can find a space where they can directly address your DMIL’s friends concerns, assure her that she is not suffering & that her wishes are followed. They may even help her to find a way to say goodbye to her dear friend.

This is a difficult time for you all, you are each facing your own mortality & that of some one you each love. Ask for help from the hospice, acceptance of death, mortality & loss is an integral part of what they do & they may be better placed in the short time available to help.

The funeral. I suggest that you go against your immediate prefernces. Do not think to bar or exclude her, none of you will feel better for doing that. Make sure that she is invited because she is your DMIL’s friend & would she want her own friend kept away.

@HeyDuddy, I don’t know where you are located but here funerals are a public event. Anyone can attend & for good reasons. So really you cannot stop her turning up so it’d be wise to invite her promptly.

I’d go further & embrace that her ‘annoyance’ is her open grief at loosing her friend & that she is ahead of you in this. I suggest that you invite her to read a poem or something brief about her friend at the funeral. This gesture of friendship at DMIL’s funeral will go a long way to ease her grief & being blunt, reduce the risk of her holding onto difficult feelings towards you.

No matter how much you & your DH hurt, bear in mind how DMIL would like her friends to be treated, & in turn when the time comes for you &/or DH how would you feel about your friends in the same situation.

But it has to be said, if she does cause a disturbance at the funeral, the staff will manage the situation with firm tact.

Soz, late night typo.

‘…the pastoral care team at the hospice…

Ignore her as best you can @HeyDuddy and focus on the time left with your DMiL.

Unfortunately no matter what you do, she’s likely to cause a scene.

Expect a lot of “ they didn’t invite me!! They are hiding something! I bet they killed her!”

Unfortunately, this. Because she already has it firmly in her mind that you're up to something and sees herself as the only one standing up for her friend, she will view any attempt to keep her away as concrete confirmation that she is correct.

Is she mentally well herself? One of the cruelest symptoms of certain MH issues is that, unlike with physical health problems, the sufferer will fail to understand/realise/acknowledge that they have a problem at all - and thus, to them, those mentioning it are the ones lying or gaslighting them. She's appointed herself as a crusader for justice on behalf of her friend and has assigned you - her loved ones - as the aggressors.

Upsetting as it is, I think the best way of protecting yourself is not to tell her the funeral details. She's going to kick off regardless and make you the eternal bad guys, so you may as well have the funeral itself as a special family time and respite from her. I do feel for her, but she's brought this completely on herself.

I'd also grey-rock her on other occasions when she hurls accusations at you and don't give her the reaction she's after. Don't try to justify yourself in detail - just gently say something like "We realise that you weren't happy with the decisions DMIL made, but it was her life and her choice - not yours or ours - so it was our duty to carry out her wishes regardless".

I am so sorry you are going through all of this.

I think it would be perfectly reasonable not to tell her the funeral arrangements because of the abuse she has been subjecting you to. I personally wouldn't tell her. She sounds deluded and poisonous.

You'd have to hope though that she wouldn't hear them from anyone else. She might, and as funerals are usually public events in the UK (if that is where you are) then you couldn't stop her just turning up. You'd possibly have to let others in on what is happening so that they don't inadvertently give her the details.

You'd also have to make no public announcement in local newspapers etc.

You say this is a close friend so I assume she is acting out of grief. I am not excusing her and I cannot imagine the added pain it is causing. I do think it would unreasonable to exclude her from the funeral. I don't think it is at all definite that she would carry this behaviour over. In fact, I'd guess not. I'd probably put something in place to immediately put an end to it if she did, quietly and without fuss but no, I wouldn't ban her.
I can also imagine how tempting it would be to 'punish' her for the stress she's caused you by excluding her. I just don't think it's the right thing to do.

You've too much on your plate to deal with this woman. You've already given her time and energy which is kind when you've probably none to spare
Concentrate on your MIL and DH (and looking after yourself as much as you can as you're under huge stress).
Don't even engage with this woman again. You've tried. She won't be told. I wish you and your DH well. It's a really hard time.

Get the hospice to speak to her. They’re brilliant at dealing with people distressed by death.

I think you should try to forget about the friend and focus on your DMIL.

Barring her from the funeral would cause undue stress on everyone. Plus the only way you can stop her attending is if you don't put the funeral details in the newspaper or have them announced on social media, by the church, etc. That would mean other people would miss attending too.

I know she's being awful and I absolutely sympathise with you because I've recently lost my mum but perhaps it might help to view it as her friend struggling with the situation and also feeling that she didn't know your DMIL as well as she thought since she finds these decisions so difficult to understand. It may also be an element of fear that if she was ever incapacitated decisions could be made for her that she might not want. But she absolutely should not be bringing any of this drama to you and your DH. Try to forget about her and focus on your family

I can’t believe all the people telling you to mollify this attention seeker. She isn’t that concerned about your MIL, she is looking for drama.

If she was that close to your MIL, she would have been privy to her friend’s wishes before she got very sick.

So sorry for you abs your DH

The friend will be grieving, will be very upset and worried but it doesn’t excuse her extreme behaviour and shocking allegations. You, and others, have tried to help her see reason; she cannot or will not at this point in time.

Your priority at this sad time is family. The funeral will be a hard day for the family and should be their quiet chance to remember DMIL. Her distress should not be allowed to cause further distress for others.
Personally I would not ask her to the funeral. Tell other guests if needed about how she is currently behaving very erratically and causing great distress, so is not asked. Make sure the funeral directors / those leading the funeral know about how very badly she has behaved, and how you can not risk her being there and causing drama. Either give her a false later date or be upfront and say she is not invited, and will be asked to leave if she attends.

After the funeral, when or if you feel able, write to her. Explain again about DMIL’s specific, legal wishes, and how wrong and hurtful her accusations were - but also say how very fond DMIL had been of her and about shared happy memories.
Any issues after that, any further trouble making and accusations, then seek legal advice and block her totally for your own protection.

has her friend got any family or close friends who could talk to her

Some good advice on hear regarding friend. Just to add, you can confidently ask FD not to disclose any information, in fact they will neither confirm or deny they even have you DMIL in their care, if she finds out via other means (although she says no friends connected) you can password protect as well so the FD knows they are speaking to someone allowed to make contact. It’s a do not release info. Surprisingly common believe it or not. You sound like you have enough on your plate right now so I wish you strength for the upcoming challenges x

she probably feels protective of her old friend, and doesn't fully understand the situation. she may also be distorted in her thinking by grief

She may well be in grief - so is the OP and her family and this "friend" is tormenting a family in grief losing their mother.

Grief is one thing, harassing a family and putting them through the social services mill and making horrible accusations to all their friends, despite the medical staff and SS saying otherwise is cruel and malicious, way beyond anything which is justifiable as grief for a friend. As is going to the hospice and upsetting the patient.

OP: you don't need this person in your lives. No earthly reason to inform her of the arrangements.

Discuss it with the funeral director to deal with it in case she turns up and frankly if she has been harassing you to this extent I'd consider getting legal advice about stopping the harassment.

I’m so sorry OP this must be a really difficult time for you all. I’d echo what others have said and request the hospice doesn’t give any information over the phone - I’d be concerned that if they do and when your MIL does pass, the friend could ring all funeral directors. I’d also ask the FD not to release any information.
Wishing your MIL comfortable final days with you all.

I'm very sorry you're going through this OP. It sounds as though DMIL's friend doesn't have anyone else, and is terrified she's losing her only friend in an awful way.
This does not excuse her behaviour.
DMIL is in a hospice. We all know what that means and i would have one more attempt to explain that to the friend - then tell her nothing else, nothing about the funeral and keep news of DMIL's eventual passing from her as long as you can.

Yes, she's hurting. But so are you, your DH and DMIL.
But i wouldn't waste the GPs time with trying to ger her to explain, or the hospice staff. They have enough to do.

Yanbu

I think a cease and dessist letter from a solicitor would be a good investment. It needs to be detailed enough that if she shows it to anyone it will be clear thar she is bonkers. So it reiterates thar she has already been told that all treatment taking place is in accordance with DMIL's wishes, her harrassing behaviour is causing unnecessary distress and any further contact from her or malicious communications about DMIL's care arrangements will result in civil action against her.

Barring her from the funeral would cause undue stress on everyone.

I read this a lot but someone starting to shout accusations at a funeral and being hostile to the grieving family is much more upsetting and for many more people. Don't think she won't. Please don't invite her.

You have tried compassion and kindness and she has responded with dramatics and rudeness.

Whatever she believes, she clearly has no qualms about making your and your families grief any easier to bear. And actually, is willing to make this difficult time more difficult for you all.

Once your MIL does pass, I would ask the FD to not share any details. I would keep the funeral to family/specific invitees only and cite covid restrictions as the reason if anyone asks. In truth, plenty of churches and crematoriums are still recommending limited numbers and the bereaved are finding it easier and less stressful to manage. I absolutely would not invite or share the details with the friend of MIL, although I would maybe save a copy of the service booklet for her if I thought it was appropriate to post at a later date.

She is probably acting out of grief, and some fear, the worry that she wouldn't want to live her last days like your MIL has, and is lashing out. It will probably have started out as well meaning concern. But it doesn't mean that she can behave appropriately, and without causing you hell. She isn't entitled to any of your Mils medical records or private wishes. MIL didn't provide her family or her friend with a copy of her wishes, why should her privacy be dictated by this woman, who has no right to see or share in it.

I am so very sorry for the impending loss of your MIL and for the stress this woman has caused you all at such a difficult time.

The extreme behaviour the friend is exhibiting makes me wonder if she has mental health problems or is suffering from dementia themselves. So sorry you are going through this OP she is making an awful situation even worse and that is inexcusable. I agree with a pp tell her the wrong e for the funeral, you and your family are entitled to give your MIL a peaceful funeral.

I would invite her to the GP with you
Have the GP tell them about your mum's chosen medical plan

Absolutely not. OP, you are dealing with so much right now, the last thing you need is to involve her any more. She clearly loves her friend, but surely understands that the medical professionals will follow your DMILs wishes and not her notions of what you say should happen? This is hard enough for you all, you don't need someone making it any harder.

@blackdumpling

If this is your mother's close friend Then presumably she loves your mother very much And is hurting too right now I would invite her to the GP with you Have the GP tell them about your mum's chosen medical plan The more you shut her out from you family The guiltier you look in her eyes It would be nice for you both to come together now For your Mum's sake IMO

Absolutely FUCK THAT. Why should this woman be pandered to when she's making a difficult time even harder for OP?