Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to exclude DMIL’s close friend from funeral?

267 replies

HeyDuddy · 17/02/2022 00:27

DMIL is in a hospice dying from kidney disease and advanced dementia. She created an end of life plan before she lost capacity which basically refused all medical care. Her friend is making my life hell (I am dealing with most of it as DH has cancer). She wrongly believes that I have stopped DMIL getting the care she needs, and will not believe it was DMIL’s wishes. I actually have nothing to do with the decision making- all doctors and nurses involved in her care have seen the document and will not give anything that isn’t absolutely necessary. For example she has morphine for pain but they refused a surgery that she could have had as it wouldn’t have significantly improved things. Her friend is being very vocal and telling everyone who will listen how we have stopped her getting the care she needs and we’re just after her money- she also said all this at the DMIL’s bedside at the hospice. She tried calling social services and the GP but they didn’t take anything any further and realised it was malicious. DMIL only has a few days left as she now is having almost no water and I am terrified of the scene she will make at the funeral. Without me telling her I don’t think she would find out the funeral details as she doesn’t have any other mutual friends with DMIL. AIBU to not give her the details and hope I never see her again.

OP posts:
Seema1234 · 17/02/2022 07:27

I wouldn't be taking the friend to see the GP as suggested. That's your MILs private wishes which she chose not to share with her friend.

There is no excuse for this woman's selfish behaviour. I would send her a letter or email to say MIL is comfortable and given all treatment she needs and in accordance with he wishes and she is requested to stay away due to the stress she's causing. Then blank her and tell all the relevant professionals the same.

This is not the time for prioritising this woman.

LIZS · 17/02/2022 07:32

Think maybe one last message might be worth it. Sorry she feels hurt/excluded but she needs to believe dmil wishes are being followed. Offer to relay any last message . Even if she were to say anything at a funeral, why would anyone listen if they don't know her? It would reflect badly on her. She could find out about a funeral as a matter of public record and attend.

MeridianB · 17/02/2022 07:36

@phishy

I can’t believe all the people telling you to mollify this attention seeker. She isn’t that concerned about your MIL, she is looking for drama.

If she was that close to your MIL, she would have been privy to her friend’s wishes before she got very sick.

So sorry for you abs your DH Flowers

I agree with this. You haven’t ignored her, you’ve tried to explain and she just keeps pushing. Even if her intentions are good, she’s going about this in a really horrible way.

Please protect the time and emotional space you and DH and MIL need right now.

Totally agree that you should ask the funeral directors to disclose and confirm nothing. Does your MIL benefit from seeing her friend? If not I’d ask the hospice for family only visitors.

MrsLargeEmbodied · 17/02/2022 07:36

can you have a private family funeral followed by a memorial service ?

Bluetrews25 · 17/02/2022 07:38

Sorry for what you are going through.
Don't give her funeral details.
Speak with your funeral director about this, so they can look out for trouble on the day and deal with it.
Just be aware it is possible to find out funeral times by phoning the crem. (I had to do this about a relative a couple of years ago, so I could attend - the family were happy to see me, BTW) Hopefully the nutty friend will not think to do this.
Flowers

Sausagedogsarethebest · 17/02/2022 07:40

OP I'm sorry you're facing this situation, which sounds extremely stressful.

I'm a funeral arranger. We often have to deal with difficult family dynamics. When the time comes for you to arrange the funeral, tell the funeral director about the friend. There's always a chance she may find out the details somehow and show up anyway. If the FD is aware of her, they can keep an eye out and intervene if she looks set to start making a scene.

MrsTrumpton · 17/02/2022 07:41

Is there no other mutual friend of DMIL who you can explain the situation to, who could even speak to the GP for confirmation of the end-of-life care instructions, who can sit this woman down and tell her how stressful she is making his mother's passing for your DH when he's sick? I don't think you'll change her mind about what's going on, but with only days to go she needs to appreciate enough is enough and that if she continues being abusive you won't want her at the funeral. Then, if she persists, you can decline to give her the details with a clear conscience.

TheOccupier · 17/02/2022 07:48

These situations bring out the worst in some people, I'm afraid.

I would try to get a copy of the document confirming your DMIL's wishes - it will have her signature on it. I have seen these docs before and they are very clear, you don't need to be a doctor or lawyer to understand them.

Regarding the funeral, I think you're right not to have this friend there, but if applicable I might write to her afterwards to let her know where DMIL is (e.g. cemetery) so that she can pay her respects at some other time.

Saltyquiche · 17/02/2022 07:50

She clearly loved your mum and wants her to be with her longer and can’t wrap her head around the end of life choice your mum made.

Have you any written documentation about mums wishes. I’d probably photograph and send the image over to her and then stop engaging with her so that you can fully concentrate on your mum.

LakieLady · 17/02/2022 07:57

Iirc, funerals, like weddings, are public events and people can't be excluded. A colleague was unable to exclude her DH's nutjob ex from his funeral. The ex had gone to both the local crematoria/cemeteries every day to check the listings on the noticeboards, and rocked up regardless.

thinkingaboutLangCleg · 17/02/2022 07:57

I’m sorry you and DH are going through this, OP. You are doing your best for DMIL.

Can you ask the GP for a copy of DMIL’s letter? To show the friend you are all following her instructions.

Flowers
JemimaTiggywinkle · 17/02/2022 07:58

Sorry you’re going through this OP.
Completely agree with you it’s not practical to go to the GP with her - in any case GPs are so busy they’re probably not going to prioritise an appointment with one of their patients’ friends.

I’m not sure you should exclude her from the funeral though - she needs to say goodbye like everyone else, and she has the potential to keep haranguing you if the chapter hasn’t ended for her.

Do you think she will really cause a disruption, or is it just the thought that seeing her there would upset you and DH after her behaviour?

WhatAHexIGotInto · 17/02/2022 08:00

Have you any written documentation about mums wishes. I’d probably photograph and send the image over to her and then stop engaging with her so that you can fully concentrate on your mum.

She doesn't have this, she says in one of her posts, but even if she did she should absolutely not do this. These wishes are private to her MIL who chose not to share them with her friend. To share a screenshot with her is a massive betrayal of trust.

Cheesecakeandwineinasuitcase · 17/02/2022 08:00

This woman has been subjecting you to a campaign of bullying and harassment when you are going through a very difficult time OP. It must be so stressful. I absolutely wouldn’t be telling this woman about the funeral. If she keeps spreading false allegations about you I would warn her that is slander.

Noname1999 · 17/02/2022 08:04

The hospice must deal with this all the time - do they have any advice?

Darbs76 · 17/02/2022 08:07

Would your MIL want her friend there? She is not right spreading lies and I guess if she’s going to make a scene then no she shouldn’t be there

Darbs76 · 17/02/2022 08:08

I don’t agree at all with sending the MIl’s private medical info to this lady. That’s a breach of her confidentiality / data protection and should not be done

Zonder · 17/02/2022 08:11

Whether the friend comes or not I would include something in the eulogy about how Dmil got the ending she expressly asked for when she wrote a letter saying no intervention. That way everyone will understand.

JulesRimetStillGleaming · 17/02/2022 08:11

I would have a word with the hospice chaplain if there is one and see if they would have a word with her. They are used to dealing with grief.

SummerWhisper · 17/02/2022 08:12

DMIL's friend sounds utterly selfish and nasty. Grief does not excuse her behaviour. She is making this all about her, given that she has been advised by professionals that absolutely nothing is untoward. You have done everything you can, now leave it. Don't give her another thought. I'm so sorry for what you are dealing with. You have done your very best for everybody but there is no room for this woman now. Focus only on your loved ones and I hope there is recovery and healing for DH Flowers

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 17/02/2022 08:12

Some of these suggestions are batshit. The woman knows there is a plan, the medical staff have confirmed to her that it's legit. Suggestions if taking her to the GP are ridiculous

Block her.

Tell the funeral directors.

Then put it aside for the next few days.

AndAsIfByMagic · 17/02/2022 08:21

I agree that you need to keep the funeral secret from her. Tell the funeral directors they are not to disclose information to anyone who asks but to refer them to you.

Make sure they have her name and do not admit her to the service.

A solicitor's letter when it's all over should sort her out. Dreadful thing to do to a family already suffering.

Chickychoccyegg · 17/02/2022 08:22

This sounds a horrible and stressful situation op, what a tough time your having.
With regards to dmil friend, I personally wouldn't be able to leave her out.
Her behaviour is awful, but grief can affect people in all different ways.
I'd distance myself from her, but send her the funeral details when the time comes, I doubt she'd make a scene there and if she does ignore her, someone will shut her down, I just think it would be a shame if she didn't get the chance to say goodbye to her good friend.
Whatever you decide to do, don't tell her the wrong date, that seems unnecessarily cruel.

BakedTattie · 17/02/2022 08:24

A lot of posters haven’t read the op properly.

Cuck00soup · 17/02/2022 08:24

I’m so sorry that you have the added stress of this at an already distressing time.

I would speak to the care team at the Hospice. They will want your MIL to have a good death and to support you as her close family. They also have plenty of experience of people being unreasonable. Let them help.

And no, don’t invite her to the funeral unless she comes to her senses.

I hope your next few days are peaceful and gentle.