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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU to exclude DMIL’s close friend from funeral?

267 replies

HeyDuddy · 17/02/2022 00:27

DMIL is in a hospice dying from kidney disease and advanced dementia. She created an end of life plan before she lost capacity which basically refused all medical care. Her friend is making my life hell (I am dealing with most of it as DH has cancer). She wrongly believes that I have stopped DMIL getting the care she needs, and will not believe it was DMIL’s wishes. I actually have nothing to do with the decision making- all doctors and nurses involved in her care have seen the document and will not give anything that isn’t absolutely necessary. For example she has morphine for pain but they refused a surgery that she could have had as it wouldn’t have significantly improved things. Her friend is being very vocal and telling everyone who will listen how we have stopped her getting the care she needs and we’re just after her money- she also said all this at the DMIL’s bedside at the hospice. She tried calling social services and the GP but they didn’t take anything any further and realised it was malicious. DMIL only has a few days left as she now is having almost no water and I am terrified of the scene she will make at the funeral. Without me telling her I don’t think she would find out the funeral details as she doesn’t have any other mutual friends with DMIL. AIBU to not give her the details and hope I never see her again.

OP posts:
ABCeasyasdohrayme · 17/02/2022 19:05

My thoughts are with you and your dh @HeyDuddy.

I hope you both manage to have a good rest tonight and things look a bit clearer for you tomorrow.

acatcalledjohn · 17/02/2022 19:05

*bearing up

Apologies for the unfortunate autocorrect.

CaveMum · 17/02/2022 19:07

So sorry for your loss. Be kind to yourselves and leave the big decisions for another day Flowers

Jux · 17/02/2022 19:12

Condolences.

Rest for now. Gather yourselves, give yourselves a break, watch a film, have a night off, have a cry, drink a bottle of wine, have a take-away. Make it easy on yourselves, and have a quiet night.

Time enough for the whirlwind to scoop you up again.

IT DOES GET BETTER.

Goatsaregreat · 17/02/2022 19:20

So sorry HeyDuddy Well done for managing it so well, despite the challenges.

Zonder · 17/02/2022 19:21

Sorry for your loss.

dexterslockedintheshedagain · 17/02/2022 19:34

Thinking of you and your family, OP

Puzzledandpissedoff · 17/02/2022 19:48

Very much thinking of you, HeyDuddy; I'm sorry for your loss, though she's at peace at last Flowers

Nanny0gg · 17/02/2022 20:05

@HeyDuddy

Thank you everyone. DMIL passed away this afternoon with us and two good friends by her side. We’re now back at her house and DH is putting the kids to bed and I’m reading your messages. There are so many things I should be doing but MN is a nice distraction. I have now read all your messages and we’re going to hold on making a decision until we’ve slept a few decent nights and had some head space.
So sorry @HeyDuddy

I hope your MiL is now at peace and going forward do whatever is best for your DH and the rest of the family. Those are the needs that matter now
(Yes, I've changed my mind. The friend can pay her respects after the event)

LIZS · 17/02/2022 20:07

So sorry. Don't give this woman any more headspace until you can plan further ahead.

HeyDuddy · 17/02/2022 20:09

Kids and DH in bed, wine in hand and going through DMIL’s terrible (but endearing) music collection and flicking through the photo albums. The sense of relief is immense, I miss her terribly but the last few months were brutal for her.

Not that it will influence what we do but what are the results of the poll? I can’t see it- it’s just blank white where I think it should be.

OP posts:
OnwardsAndSideways1 · 17/02/2022 20:15

Bless you, music does bring it all back, doesn't it? I'm glad she's at peace, and that you have a way forward to think it through.

Natty13 · 17/02/2022 20:15

My condolences and I'm glad she is at peace now.

The poll is 91% YANBU. Funerals are for paying respects to the dead person, how the friend has behaved and is likely to behave if she attends is nothing but disrespectful. I strongly feel your DH should be allowed to grieve his mother in peace and I bet MIL would want this too. What mother would want a friend around who blamed her son for his own cancer? What she said to him is absolutely disgraceful and you would both be lunatics to consider inviting her.

HeyDuddy · 17/02/2022 20:20

Thanks @Natty13 for letting me know the results.

We’re on to Chas and Dave for anyone who’s interested!

OP posts:
MichelleScarn · 17/02/2022 20:20

My condolences too @HeyDuddy take this time for you, dh your family and only be in contact with those who have been supportive of you.

RedHelenB · 17/02/2022 20:27

@Beenaboutabit

Her friend is clearly very upset. Although it must be very difficult for you, it is your DMIL’s friend and she is doing what she believes is best for your DMIL, her friend. It is a difficult time for everyone but if you can find a way to include the friend in the funeral, you will be doing a good thing.
This.
saraclara · 17/02/2022 20:27

My condolences to you and your DH, @HeyDuddy.

I just want to say that if any of my friends behaved that way when I was dying, I absolutely would not want them at my funeral, and if I'd had the ability to speak I would have made that a dying wish. I think you and DH can safely act as though it was your MIL's.

Dontbeme · 17/02/2022 20:29

Condolences to you and your family OP Flowers

toomuchlaundry · 17/02/2022 20:51

I agree with @saraclara

Sorry for your loss Flowers

RachelGreeneGreep · 17/02/2022 21:12

My sincere sympathy on your and your husband's loss.

May she rest in peace. Take care.

AllTheYoungGoodyTwoShoes · 17/02/2022 21:19

Sending sympathy to you and your DH. Hope you get some rest tonight.

CPL593H · 17/02/2022 21:32

Hope you are OK, OP. It is an exhausting time and clearly you have an unwell husband who has just lost his mother to think about too. You will need some rest

I think if your MILs friend had only reacted so badly over the issues around her death, I'd be more inclined to think it was grief/fear of losing one of few friends, etc. However, what she said to your husband was appalling and tells you all you need to know about her. I would block her completely and tell the undertakers of the situation as fully as is possible, ASAP. Any escalation, police, or at least a warning of them.

All the people proclaiming 'be kind'. It is not kind to behave as this woman has and from bitter personal experience, I know that all you can do to minimise the damage is to shut it down, hard and fast.

UniversalAunt · 17/02/2022 22:49

Condolences @HeyDuddy & for your DH for the loss of your DMIL.
She is now at peace.

Chas’n’ Dave… suddenly I want a coke & crisps 😉

peboh · 17/02/2022 22:51

I think you would be unreasonable yes.
Whilst I think the whole situation is absolutely awful, the friend is acting out of grief and sadness. It doesn't excuse her behaviours, but to punish her by refusing to let her say goodbye to her friend would just be beyond cruel.

RachelGreeneGreep · 17/02/2022 22:53

@CPL593H

Hope you are OK, OP. It is an exhausting time and clearly you have an unwell husband who has just lost his mother to think about too. You will need some rest

I think if your MILs friend had only reacted so badly over the issues around her death, I'd be more inclined to think it was grief/fear of losing one of few friends, etc. However, what she said to your husband was appalling and tells you all you need to know about her. I would block her completely and tell the undertakers of the situation as fully as is possible, ASAP. Any escalation, police, or at least a warning of them.

All the people proclaiming 'be kind'. It is not kind to behave as this woman has and from bitter personal experience, I know that all you can do to minimise the damage is to shut it down, hard and fast.

+1 to this.
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