AIBU to exclude DMIL’s close friend from funeral?

[HeyDuddy]

DMIL is in a hospice dying from kidney disease and advanced dementia. She created an end of life plan before she lost capacity which basically refused all medical care. Her friend is making my life hell (I am dealing with most of it as DH has cancer). She wrongly believes that I have stopped DMIL getting the care she needs, and will not believe it was DMIL’s wishes. I actually have nothing to do with the decision making- all doctors and nurses involved in her care have seen the document and will not give anything that isn’t absolutely necessary. For example she has morphine for pain but they refused a surgery that she could have had as it wouldn’t have significantly improved things. Her friend is being very vocal and telling everyone who will listen how we have stopped her getting the care she needs and we’re just after her money- she also said all this at the DMIL’s bedside at the hospice. She tried calling social services and the GP but they didn’t take anything any further and realised it was malicious. DMIL only has a few days left as she now is having almost no water and I am terrified of the scene she will make at the funeral. Without me telling her I don’t think she would find out the funeral details as she doesn’t have any other mutual friends with DMIL. AIBU to not give her the details and hope I never see her again.

I feel your pain, I had this with an aunt about my mum. Went so far as to tell me "no wonder your mother is ill"

At that point I lost it and I totally ranted, it ended in my being on floods of tears, so much pent up anger, so much stress and I exploded.

The only good thing to find from it was that she then believed we were do our best for our mum.

I don't recommend this, but it did work.

I'm sorry you're going through this. I respect you respecting your DMIL wishes and defending them.

Take care

I have not read all the posts so this may already have been said:

I am so sorry that you are having to consider this at such a difficult time. The GP, quite rightly, is unable to give any more information to this woman as it is private and confidential.
When the time comes, you may consider at the funeral clearly 'acknowledging your gratitude to all involved in her care which entirely matched her final wishes which offers the family some comfort etc.' This would negate any unpleasant comments she might make should she turn up.

Whatever grief this person is experiencing it does not excuse her continuing with her comments and behaviour when she has been informed by the family and health professionals that your DMIL's care is appropriate.
Focus on your DMIL and supporting each other.

I’ve changed my mind based on your updates about how she’s behaved and what she said about DH’s cancer diagnosis - I think you’d be quite reasonable not to invite her.

It’s more than just concern for her friend - it’s nastiness.

Your MIL obviously didn’t trust her in group gatherings so it’s quite fitting for this to continue for her funeral.

Hope once you’ve made a decision you can try to put her out of your minds as much as possible, you don’t need the added stress at this time.

I would invite her to the GP with you
Have the GP tell them about your mum's chosen medical plan

Do you honestly think GPs make appointment time available for this sort of thing?

OP so sorry you have all this to deal with, it sounds incredibly hard.

Personally I might give her one more chance: write her a card saying you understand she is upset, you are all upset and heartbroken. However she needs to know that you have no influence on her end of life care at all, the medical team are adhering to their own professional standards and according to written instructions left for them by your MIL in her ‘living will’. And that whilst you recognise her long friendship with MIL you are unable to include her in any of the goodbye process unless she engaged calmly, peacefully and in the spirit of mutual respect for MIL’s wishes.

Bear in mind that Crematoria do publish lists of all ‘clients’, even if it is a non-attended ‘direct cremation’.

DFIL passed away 12 years ago and DH is an only child so there aren’t other people from his family to step in. DH has aunts but they aren’t in the UK and I don’t think it would be fair to involve them in this as I doubt they’ve ever met her. I have confided in a couple of DMIL’s more levelheaded friends and they’ve all been pretty shocked but again they don’t actually know her, although they did know of her.

So sorry you are dealing with this.
i think you are quite right not to want her at the funeral.
Could you alert the FDs, and ask them to look out for her at the funeral (assuming she finds out, and attends) and remove her?

Just send them some of the info from your posts to put them in the picture.

for you, OP.

P.S to my post above: but it is also more than reasonable to just cut her out, completely.

Especially in the light of your DH’s observation about what his DMum would want, and the way she behaved about his diagnosis.

I think it sounds as though the friend may also have the beginnings of dementia tbh. The paranoia and inability to accept what the GP has said are jumping out at me. She is reacting emotionally and wants to try and “save” her friend, but can’t truly grasp the situation .
Does the friend have any children- could you call and explain the situation and say that you are worried about her ?

I meant, remove her if she starts to kick off. If she was to attend and behave yourself I guess that would be OK, I'm not suggesting she be evicted just for attending.

behave herself

She said to DH when he was diagnosed with cancer that DFIL would be so ashamed of him and “negative energy manifests as illness”. I just can’t bear the thought of this happening at the funeral. She is hellbent on enlightening the world to our evil ways yet hasn’t called the police, despite apparently believing we are actively helping DMIL to die.

I am speechless. No way does she get next or near any of you from here on, and that includes the funeral. I am sorry to hear of your MIL's illness, and I hope that she dies peacefully. This person should not be told anything whatsoever. Make sure that she cannot even contact you. Block all possible sources.

I'm so sorry about all that you are going through.

I would imagine that as she is a close friend to your DMIL, it is an emotional time for her as basically her friend dying is making her face her own mortality and that I would imagine is causing her bizarre behaviour.
Is there any point confronting her and asking her what she thinks your MIL's treatment should be?, I'm sure she won't have any sensible or coherent suggestions.
Do you think she will kick off at the funeral? I think she should be invited but warn some sympathetic family/friends that they may be required to remove her. I personally think it would be wrong to not include her, and give her more reason to "blame" you.
You really should not be having to deal with this

It's clear that nothing you can say or do will make this woman think any differently. You do not owe her anything, especially in this situation and with the way she has behaved.
You need to put you and DH first, end of. Ignore all the posters saying 'explain this to her...give her a copy of that' etc You've clearly tried and you don't need to consider her anymore.
So sorry for your situation.

She is reacting from a place of fear, hurt and anger.
l personally would invite her to the funeral, l think its a good idea what someone else said about the nurse having a quiet word.

I actually think that this woman is thriving on the drama. I would completely cut her out.

sounds a terrible situation,i had to organise a funeral when my dad died not lettingf his dodgy cleaner know when it was she had been fleecing him of money near the end,funeral directors were very good arranged a fast date, i ignored phone calls and texts of cleaner,let people know time and place when it was.she rang round all undertakers in the area, they told her they could not give out private info,had the funeral .she went mad .asking for some of dads ashes,good luck

@Moonface123

She is reacting from a place of fear, hurt and anger. l personally would invite her to the funeral, l think its a good idea what someone else said about the nurse having a quiet word.

Too bad.

Her friend's CHILD is also hurting, doubtless a sight more than she is, yet she sees fit to attack him and make what is likely the most painful time of his life even more intolerable.

My sister-in-law did this, albeit on a different pretext and to a far less extreme degree. I was extremely close to my mother and her death devastated me.

This kind of behaviour very much falls into the category of unforgivable. There is no reason why OP and DH should 'Be Kind' in the face of this appalling behaviour, when doing so is being anything but kind to themselves. And if ever there was a time in life when they deserved to be kind to themselves, it's now.

And no, the medical staff should certainly not be divulging private medical information against the express wishes of the patients. That is unethical.

@blackdumpling

If this is your mother's close friend Then presumably she loves your mother very much And is hurting too right now I would invite her to the GP with you Have the GP tell them about your mum's chosen medical plan The more you shut her out from you family The guiltier you look in her eyes It would be nice for you both to come together now For your Mum's sake IMO

I feel for you OP, you and DH don't need the stress. But I also feel sorry for this somewhat strange friend with her odd ways, who's been friends with your MIL for so long. Perhaps MIL is her only friend, she sounds so odd? But she shouldn't be causing you extra stress now.

I think everything you've posted sounds logical, kind, and right for your family at this terrible time.

@maddy68 if you click on the blue linked See All you can read al that OP has posted - especially in cases like this, where the OP is obvously already distressed, it would be good to read everything before asking obvious questions that have already been answered.

But, in short, yes. The woman has been told, including by medical staff, as much as they are allowed to tell her. She knows. She just chooses not to believe!

@Moonface123

She is reacting from a place of fear, hurt and anger. l personally would invite her to the funeral, l think its a good idea what someone else said about the nurse having a quiet word.

And you too... See All.

Your suggestion has already happened. Probably because nursing staff are used to it, including the ones that have now 'banned' the woman from seeing MIL!

Undertakers are very well versed in smoothing over funeral rifts

Do explain the the undertakers this situation as then they can prevent something occurring if it was to

It’s such a stressful time for you all and this is unacceptable behaviour for this woman not to take on board that a gp, hospice staff, and yourselves would all try to quicken her friends death, it’s bizarre

Maybe she has her own health problems in the start of dementia?

I'm shocked that people think you are due this 'friend' any compassion at all.

Op and her dh are also grieving, sorting everything out, dealing with a cancer diagnosis all while being away from their home and support system, yet they are managing to show some understanding towards this woman in the face of such venom.

This woman is selfish and unhinged. I would do everything possible to block her from getting any information at all, cut her out on all levels and contact the police if necessary.

You need to look after yourself and your own mental health, and you have enough people relying on you just now, you don't need additional people inserting themselves into your life and making themselves your problem.

I wish you all the best op, please do take some time to look after yourself too

I'm so sorry you're going through this, op. What a weight you have on your shoulders.

This woman is too much, whatever you do you can't win with this one, op, so you must withdraw for your and your DH's sake. Don't give her anymore headspace, cut all contact with this woman and take care of yourself and your family.

Remind yourself that you are not the cure for whatever ails this woman.

Wicked behaviour.

Age no excuse. Dementia likely and still no excuse.

I bet the friend has previous for malicious behaviour.

Suggest friend sees DM before she dies and the funeral is private. While friend is in hospice, ask a medic to point out none of her muse accusations is true, and to remind her the family can put the police on her for slander etc if she carries on.

Quite often malicious accusers shut up instantly the moment they’re called on it.

@HeyDuddy

Honestly, we really can’t go to the GP with her. There aren’t enough hours in the day and any time we waste on her now is time we’re not at the hospice in DMIL’s final days. The nurse at the hospice did try to help and say that she was having the dignified death she had chosen. She isn’t allowed to visit the hospice any more. You can only have six named visitors in total and it made sense to allow other people who would bring the calm DMIL needs at this time.

Maybe that's why she's kicking off?

She feels that as you won't let her go you are hiding something?

I must say, if I couldn't see my closest friend at such a time, I don't think I'd behave like her but I'd be absolutely devastated