AIBU to exclude DMIL’s close friend from funeral?

[HeyDuddy]

DMIL is in a hospice dying from kidney disease and advanced dementia. She created an end of life plan before she lost capacity which basically refused all medical care. Her friend is making my life hell (I am dealing with most of it as DH has cancer). She wrongly believes that I have stopped DMIL getting the care she needs, and will not believe it was DMIL’s wishes. I actually have nothing to do with the decision making- all doctors and nurses involved in her care have seen the document and will not give anything that isn’t absolutely necessary. For example she has morphine for pain but they refused a surgery that she could have had as it wouldn’t have significantly improved things. Her friend is being very vocal and telling everyone who will listen how we have stopped her getting the care she needs and we’re just after her money- she also said all this at the DMIL’s bedside at the hospice. She tried calling social services and the GP but they didn’t take anything any further and realised it was malicious. DMIL only has a few days left as she now is having almost no water and I am terrified of the scene she will make at the funeral. Without me telling her I don’t think she would find out the funeral details as she doesn’t have any other mutual friends with DMIL. AIBU to not give her the details and hope I never see her again.

Sadly I have some experience of batshit friends and funerals.

All you can do is tell her once more, very bluntly, that as the you, DH, the GP, the hospice staff have repeatedly told her, MIL is receiving the best care in line with her documented wishes. Add, in clear, blunt words, that her behaviour is significantly adding to the stress of the situation and that she needs to stop, immediately.

Then block her from everything you can think of and support DH.

Later will be the time to deal with her. Though we never did. We just let the stupidity roll because we simply couldn't be arsed with it. 20 years on and very occasionally we bump into someone who believes the schtick they were sold, we just laugh and say something like "Oh! Is that crap still doing the rounds?" and move on.

When I read the title, I thought you were being unreasonable. As soon as I read your post, I changed my mind. She sounds unhinged, whereas you sound lovely.

You're dealing with a huge amount of stress at the moment and don't need this woman in your life.

Good luck x

Do you know anyone close to the friend? A relative or spouse or other friend? Could you approach them and tell them the distress this is causing for your DH and the wider family. How it is affecting the last days you have with DMIL. And that you are in no way making any decision that DMIL hasn't previously expressed is her wish.

I'd speak with the hospice. They must have seen this situation before.

Once you have told friend of DMIL's death, I'd then go very quiet and not make any contact. With a few days to reflect, friend will hopefully adjust to the reality and lose the hysterics. You might the. Find things calm enough to add her as a last minute funeral invite. But I'd ask the FD to keep details confidential in the meantime.

I’m so sorry you’re going through this @HeyDuddy - you’re doing absolutely the right thing by focusing on your MIL and nothing else. Time is so precious!

Of course her friend will be finding this difficult too but it absolutely does not give her the right to be making all these accusations and harassing your family!
You’re perfectly within your rights just to stop all communication with her and not give any funeral arrangements when the time comes.

If it were me in your shoes, I would probably write her a letter detailing everything - “I understand that you’re upset and finding with difficult, as we all are, but your continuous harassment and accusations are making this time even harder than it needs to be for our family. As you have already been informed, all care being given is in accordance with MILs wishes. Her GP and hospice have confirmed that the care being given is appropriate. I’m sorry that it has come to this but if we are subject to any more harassment and accusations from you we will have no choice but to take legal action. Please allow us the time and space we need to say our goodbyes as a family.”
Date the letter, send a copy, keep a copy and then stop all communication.

I’m sorry you are having to deal with this.

My understanding of funerals/weddings/etc is that it is not possible to stop anyone attending if it is in a church but you can exclude people from private property (hotels, etc for weddings). I’m not sure of the same applies to crematoriums but when the time comes it is worth asking the funeral director as I’m sure they’ve dealt with difficult family/friend dynamics before.

DMIL would be furious if she knew we were being put under this stress by her friend and would say to block her and move on

There’s your answer. Spend your emotional effort on your DH, MIL and yourself. Ignore this woman, and don’t involve her in anything else going forward. I’m sorry for the situation you’re currently dealing with.

DMIL would be furious if she knew we were being put under this stress by her friend and would say to block her and move on

I also wonder if DMIL had an inkling that friend would behave like this and chose herself to keep her wishes private because of it.

I would tell undertaker to not discuss arrangements about funeral with anyone.

@toomuchlaundry

Could one of the nurses explain what they are doing/not doing and why to her. I assume even without that document most of what is happening now is what would be happening at this stage of her illness.

I am very sorry for everything that is happening in your family at the moment.

No, they won't discuss a patient's care. They are bound by confidentiality.

OP, I'm sorry about what you're going through. I've been there with members of my own family and it's horrific enough without dealing with this additional mental torment.

I respectfully disagree with the PP who suggests you treat her kindly. No matter what she's suffering, there is simply no excuse for causing additional anguish to the family of a woman in the last stages of terminal illness. That's irrespective of what she happens to believe. I know grieving isn't rational, and that the process of it begins before the end in cases of long-term illness. But I've been bereaved more times than anyone should be at my age, have almost lost my mind because of it, and have still never turned on anyone in this unforgiveable way.

Keep her out of the funeral if at all possible. Be kind to yourself and your family; this is about you, not her. She's richly earned her exclusion.

and sympathies to you.

I think you need a restraining order against this woman.

Couldn’t you show her a copy of the document showing your DMil’s wishes. Presumably her wishes are written down.

Thanks for replying everyone, I’ve had a good read of them this morning. The replies are definitely more balanced than I’m feeling and that’s a good thing.

To answer a few questions she doesn’t have any family I know of, she doesn’t have a partner and hasn’t got any children. I’ve never heard her talk about family but she could have siblings or the like but I wouldn’t know them to appeal for their help. MIL and her met through a hobby about 40 years ago and they don’t have any mutual friends. She’s always been a bit odd but never to quite this extreme before, MIL didn’t invite her to group gatherings because she was “a firecracker” in MIL’a words but I have never seen this side of her. They got on really well individually but she never came to parties or gatherings that MIL held. I honestly don’t know anyone else who she knows.

The hospice did talk to us about what happened and agreed it would be wise for her to not come again, so we don’t have to worry about that. She was very shouty and ranting at us when she did visit which drew the attention of a nurse.

MIL lives in London and we wouldn’t be putting the funeral in the local press. I think we know everyone who she would want to be there and otherwise it would be word of mouth. I feel relatively confident that she couldn’t find out from the funeral director (I know them very well, they dealt with funerals for my DM, DF and DGM.)

What is swaying me towards actively stopping her is the sheer venom that came out when she was shouting at me at the hospice. This isn’t new although it has been easier to ignore before now, it escalated about six months ago but it was limited to a few nasty texts and a couple of nasty phone calls. She said to DH when he was diagnosed with cancer that DFIL would be so ashamed of him and “negative energy manifests as illness”. I just can’t bear the thought of this happening at the funeral. She is hellbent on enlightening the world to our evil ways yet hasn’t called the police, despite apparently believing we are actively helping DMIL to die. It

YANBU

She may well be struggling with the loss of her friend, but that does not entitle her to behave in a way that is distressing to her friends family. I cannot believe people are suggesting pandering any further to this by trying to mollify her- she has already raised concerns with the gp and social services who have both reassured her that they have no concerns about the care DMIL is receiving and that it is in accordance with her wishes, The hospice staff have tried to do the same. OP has explained things to her too. Yet she continues to harass and spread lies about them. She has, in my view, lost the right to further kind consideration of her feelings. I very doubt MIL would want her friend to be causing this sort of distress to her unwell son and his wife at this time- I know be furious with my friend if she did this to my family and I wouldn’t want them to create further distress by continuing to engage once reasonable steps to reassure had been taken (which they have, IMO). I certainly wouldn’t exhort them to “be kind to her” to their own detriment. She may be facing the loss of a good friend- but OP’s DH is facing losing his mother and op a (presumably loved) MIL. Her grief does not negate theirs, nor does it excuse her awful behaviour.

She has no right to see private medical documentation regarding OP’s MIL, she certainly did not see fit to show it to or share her intentions with her friend, so why should her confidentiality be breached now? I also suspect that if she is prepared to act as she is currently doing towards an ill man whose mother is receiving end of life care (OP’s DH) and his wife, I doubt she’d accept it. She’d probably believe it to be faked or to have been obtained under duress or similar.

As for the funeral, you can’t stop her attending if she did find out the date but I certainly wouldn’t be informing her when time comes. She my or may not intend to make a scene but I suspect the risk that she might just adds greater stress around the funeral and would be very upsetting if it did happen. Why seek that out, when you could just cease contact and ignore her?

Wow! Definitely don’t tell her about the funeral and block her number if necessary. This seems more than not coping with your MIL dying

Also we don’t have the actual document as we haven’t needed it before. She made it with the GP who DH has known since he was in his early 20s and trusts implicitly. It also fits with what we know of her- she hates hospitals and refused all mainstream medication for most of her life instead relying on homeopathy. It was only when she got kidney disease that she let up on that at all. Her friend would know that about her yet still doesn’t seem to want to accept this.

And on a personal level we’re a long way from home at the moment. We have temporarily relocated to London to deal with this (which is actually where we both grew up) but our true adult friends are a looooong way away at the moment. It’s just hard, I hate conflict anyway and this is just dominating my thinking at the moment.

@ThisisMax

So sorry for your trouble. I would pre empt her and say that you realise this is difficult for her but your MIL had specific wishes which you are following and are private. I would then say the funeral is private and leave it at that. No more engagement, visits or contact.

This, but I would change it slightly to say the doctors are following her wishes and making any medical decisions, which is true and takes you out of the equation.

I don't think you would be wrong to block her from the hospice and funeral, she doesn't sound at all rational and there's no reason to suppose that your poor MIL's death is going to cause this woman to calm down in any way. If anything, it seems more likely to ramp up (although that is just my speculation). Given how irrational she is currently, proceeding without letting her know how things are progressing and funeral dates would be sensible.

You have so much on your plate right now, you simply don't need this extra hassle. It sounds harsh to exclude someone who is possibly grieving badly/mentally unwell, but you need to do what's right for yourselves right now. The hospice staff and FD will help you.

@HeyDuddy

Thanks for replying everyone, I’ve had a good read of them this morning. The replies are definitely more balanced than I’m feeling and that’s a good thing.

To answer a few questions she doesn’t have any family I know of, she doesn’t have a partner and hasn’t got any children. I’ve never heard her talk about family but she could have siblings or the like but I wouldn’t know them to appeal for their help. MIL and her met through a hobby about 40 years ago and they don’t have any mutual friends. She’s always been a bit odd but never to quite this extreme before, MIL didn’t invite her to group gatherings because she was “a firecracker” in MIL’a words but I have never seen this side of her. They got on really well individually but she never came to parties or gatherings that MIL held. I honestly don’t know anyone else who she knows.

The hospice did talk to us about what happened and agreed it would be wise for her to not come again, so we don’t have to worry about that. She was very shouty and ranting at us when she did visit which drew the attention of a nurse.

MIL lives in London and we wouldn’t be putting the funeral in the local press. I think we know everyone who she would want to be there and otherwise it would be word of mouth. I feel relatively confident that she couldn’t find out from the funeral director (I know them very well, they dealt with funerals for my DM, DF and DGM.)

What is swaying me towards actively stopping her is the sheer venom that came out when she was shouting at me at the hospice. This isn’t new although it has been easier to ignore before now, it escalated about six months ago but it was limited to a few nasty texts and a couple of nasty phone calls. She said to DH when he was diagnosed with cancer that DFIL would be so ashamed of him and “negative energy manifests as illness”. I just can’t bear the thought of this happening at the funeral. She is hellbent on enlightening the world to our evil ways yet hasn’t called the police, despite apparently believing we are actively helping DMIL to die. It

Ok sorry, have just read this update. What a vile woman. I am sorry she is causing you more stress at a time you need to concentrate on DMIL, DH and yourself.

Please do block and ignore, do not waste your energy engaging with her, as DH as suggested.

Could the hospice staff not shed some light on the reason the current course of treatment is being taken and that it is your mother's express wishes they are following in her treatment plan.
It's hard for everyone at these times, everyone is experiencing a type of grief and in some cases this comes out in less than pleasant ways.
Hopefully her friend will understand if the situation is explained to her and try to support her friend and your family rather than criticise her care.

@Aquamarine1029

Why would you give this nutter the details? I'd be calling the police if her harrassment continues.

This.

You poor woman, dealing with so much.

Ring 101 and ask for help.

You should not have to put up with this abuse from her.

@Beenaboutabit

Her friend is clearly very upset. Although it must be very difficult for you, it is your DMIL’s friend and she is doing what she believes is best for your DMIL, her friend. It is a difficult time for everyone but if you can find a way to include the friend in the funeral, you will be doing a good thing.

I agree. She must be very distressed thinking you are allowing her friend to die. It’s a difficult one.

Wait...... Have you tried explaining to her that your mil has made very specific instructions and these are not your decisions but hers?

I think you just need to talk to her. It sounds like she is coming from a place of love towards her best friend and not hostility towards you.

I think to exclude someone that cares so much about the deceased and they obviously cared about each other very deeply seems very cruel.

Oh my dear @HeyDuddy you are both under unbelievable amounts of stress. And no matter what motives this woman is acting from, she is not helping the situation one little bit. You should absolutely block her. Don't engage at all.

WRT the funeral, you can't actually 'ban' anyone from attending a funeral as it is a public event, but you can absolutely not invite her or tell her when it is. Obviously then don't put it on facebook or in the paper. Tell your funeral director about her, they are truly wonderful people who are there to take the stresses away from you. They'll keep a sharp eye out and intervene if she does turn up on the day.

I am sending you strength for the days ahead and hope your MIL finds peace. She sounds like a real character and certainly someone who knew her own mind, it's a shame her friend is choosing to ignore that.

(Also the next time you're up in the night, search for the 'minding worries' thread on the night shift, I posted there when my DM died a couple of times when I couldn't sleep and it helped so much with the sleepless nights.)

From your last two updates, I think you have your answers - tell her nothing about the funeral.

This doesn't sound to me like someone who is struggling with grief. She is unhinged and almost evil. Telling your DH that his father would have been ashamed of him for developing cancer absolutely was evil.

Cut ALL means of contact with her. Block her on your phones and on all social media. There is no reason at all why you need to be having anything to do with her.

Your MIL very possibly had the full measure of this woman. Hence why she didn't have her at parties and social gatherings she was hosting and had referred to her as a firecracker (I guess you are now discovering why). So probably she (MIL) would have been reluctant to have her at the funeral too. After all, there are usually social gatherings of family and friends following the church or crematorium services.

Just tell her nothing, block her and have no further contact. She is poison.