Been asked to change my name by Ex's partner!

[justustwoandmoo]

I have been separated from my ExH for 4 years, divorced for about a year. He has been with his new partner for about 3.5 years. I'm settled, everyone happy, no conflict and my daughter goes 50/50 between us. All good.

BUT I have never changed my name because I don't want to have a different surname to my daughter. Also, I just can't be bothered with the hassle tbh. I see it as my name and my identity really. It would be strange to go back to my maiden name now.

My ExH is looked to get remarried and he's contacted to say that his partner would be more comfortable if I changed my name back so that she can adopt her married name.

My brain can't quite decide if I'm being unreasonable by refusing? I just don't want to change my name 🤔🤔

[quote SpiderVersed]@Bookworm20 It's not "another man's name", it's been the OP's name since she was 21. HER name. As soon as she chose to use it, it became her name.

No one has any business telling her to change it.[/quote]
Well yes it is if she re-marries. Its not her original name she was born with, Its a name she started to use when she got married. Her husbands name.

I can't see many men being too enthused at getting married and their wife wants to still be known as Mrs (exhusband), Not as Mrs (newhusband) or even as Mrs(orginalname).

I absolutely don't care what anyone does with their name after they get divorced.

My point was using the argument of its a hassle and to have the same name as dc is a bit thin if that person then changes their name without a moments hesitation when they remarry. All that does is make them look like they didn't change the name after divorce in order to make some kind of point or to spite the other woman. I can't see how that would be best for the child.

Personally I wouldn't want to hold onto the identity of my married name if I got divorced. I have no issue with anyone who does, but it should be for the right reasons surely. Doing it purely to spite wife number 2 is just messed up.

Aaaaand I rest my case considering a majority of the defensive and sad responses from said women. You all beautifully illustrated my point.

For the record, I was married for 20 years and had 3 children with my ex-husband. I dropped the surname after the divorce because I was no longer his wife and the strength of my own name was more than enough for me.

Caveat, I absolutely appreciate those ladies who due to abuse would never go back to their maiden name.

I was surprised how hard it was to change my name upon marriage.

I had my reasons for doing so - but even though I was mid 20s so many companies had to be contacted all needed proof - it was a really faff.

They'd be many more companies I'd have to contact now if I changed it again - and I like having same surname as my kids - so even if I was to get divorced I'd keep the surname.

So I'd be no thanks - it's way to much work for me. (And silently judge her for being that insecure)

Surely he must understand that you want the same surname as your daughter? If you changed, again, can't he see that his second wife would have the same surname as your daughter, not you. How would he like that?

@Lux523

Aaaaand I rest my case considering a majority of the defensive and sad responses from said women. You all beautifully illustrated my point.

For the record, I was married for 20 years and had 3 children with my ex-husband. I dropped the surname after the divorce because I was no longer his wife and the strength of my own name was more than enough for me.

Caveat, I absolutely appreciate those ladies who due to abuse would never go back to their maiden name.

You made your choice.

Why do you think other women's choices are less valid?

The whole career thing is a massive part of it for me too. All of my qualifications are in my married name.

OP, I think this is your most compelling argument against changing your surname (along with not wanting a different surname to your DD). You married young, then built a successful career and everyone in your field knows you by that surname. You're using Ms.

If they're so precious about exclusive surnames, how about they godouble-barrelled? Or choose a brand new one? I know a couple who did this for exactly the same reason.... !

@OchonAgusOchonOh, that's my point.

Your name isn’t "your married name", it's just your name. You changed your name after you got married, and that is now your name. It's your name as much as it is his name. He didn't lend you his name while you were married, it is now your name.
A marriage ending doesn't mean each party reverts to their pre-marriage set-up like the marriage never happened. There will always be legacy aspects of it. You having the same name is one, and your daughter is another, often financial commitments remain too, eg maintenance or shared interest in property, pensions etc.

It's also your daughter's name, so you're right that she shouldn't have her name changed on a third party's discomfort with the fact that the her dad's new partner is trying to scrub you from his family/history.

I was married for 20 years and had 3 children with my ex-husband. I dropped the surname after the divorce because I was no longer his wife and the strength of my own name was more than enough for me.

Ah, you're a good compliant little woman. You took his name when it suited him and you dropped his name when it suited him.

Since divorces are 50% and even higher in 2nd marriages it's archaic that women change their name on marriage but if they do then it's their choose what happens on divorce.

Changing your name impacts your life - especially in a world where identify is often verified. It isn't sad (the above poster who mentioned that lacks awareness of practical issues) it's often impractical.

The only women I know who retain their surname after divorce have done so for purely practical reasons. Nothing to do with bitterness but cold hard practicalities.

She doesn't need an argument as to why she should keep her own name and not change it at someone else's demand. A simple "no, I'm not changing my name" is sufficient! The request from the ex is unreasonable. There's no need to provide arguments why you won't comply with an unreasonable request.

My DM kept her married name - they'd been married for about 25 years. She said she had been married for so long that it would be weird to go back to her maiden name - on top of that, all of her children and some of her grandchildren have her married name.

Personally, now that I've had my maiden name for so long, even if I got married to DP, I wouldn't change my name because it would be too strange for me. So I can totally understand why changing YOUR name after 20 years to appease someone else seems like a ridiculous request.

I'd also say no in your position OP purely on the basis that it is YOUR name now.

Aaaaand I rest my case considering a majority of the defensive and sad responses from said women. You all beautifully illustrated my point

It really doesn't. All it illustrates is how judgemental and wrong are.

@BoredZelda

Refer to yourself as the original Mrs X and her as the current Mrs X

Presumably the original Mrs X is actually his mother. I wonder if the new squeeze will ask her to change her name too?

That did occur to me! *He had a life before her and that was you and his dd. ^ I'm wondering if this is what's at the heart of it-she doesn't want reminding that he was married before?

No, you are not being unreasonable at all. You want the same name as your kid.
I'd give him two options (if you're happy with both options... ultimately it's your decision)

1. You keep your current name so you have the same name as your kid, his new wife leans to live with it.
2. You change your name and the name of your kid so you both have the same name, he learns to live with it.

YANBU It sounds as though your Ex and new woman want to deny his history with you to some extent, and re-write history so that she is the only wife who has his name. The fact is you were his wife, and you had a daughter with him, and that isn't going to change. I hope you can continue good relations with them, but picking up the phone would have been better than a rather snippy text if you want to keep friendly. Have you actually told them that your reason is to have the same surname as DD?

@London1987

No, you are not being unreasonable at all. You want the same name as your kid. I'd give him two options (if you're happy with both options... ultimately it's your decision) 1) You keep your current name so you have the same name as your kid, his new wife leans to live with it. 2) You change your name and the name of your kid so you both have the same name, he learns to live with it.

Option 3) He changes his name to his new wife's name and they have matching names "betweena married couple". You and your DD keep your own matching same names.

@London1987

No, you are not being unreasonable at all. You want the same name as your kid. I'd give him two options (if you're happy with both options... ultimately it's your decision) 1) You keep your current name so you have the same name as your kid, his new wife leans to live with it. 2) You change your name and the name of your kid so you both have the same name, he learns to live with it.

PS - I should add, I kept my own name when I got married. We are TBC what we are going to do re our child's surname(s) when they arrive in the summer. My name/ hubby name/ double barrel/ he takes my name/ I take his name. Each to their own. Women should be supporting other women to make whatever decision works for them. You do what works for you. Stuff what other people think.

If he brings it up again, I think I’d suggest that he changes his name to his partner’s. It’s understandable that you want the same name as your DD.

I think the same name as DD (while I hear it’s important to you) is a bit of a red herring here - it’s the fact it’s your name. You got married, changed it, have lived half of your life with that name. Why would you want/need a new identity because of separation? Is it to do with the history of women taking men’s name denoting that they were the man’s property? And when she ceases to be his property she needs to give the name back?

Of course fine if people want to separate from that identity by changing name again, but I find it odd people would expect that or think that you are keeping it because of any claim on him. My mum kept her married name when she divorced, because it’s her name. It’s never occurred to me what my dad or his wife would think about that, mainly because it’s none of their business!

@Lux523

Aaaaand I rest my case considering a majority of the defensive and sad responses from said women. You all beautifully illustrated my point.

For the record, I was married for 20 years and had 3 children with my ex-husband. I dropped the surname after the divorce because I was no longer his wife and the strength of my own name was more than enough for me.

Caveat, I absolutely appreciate those ladies who due to abuse would never go back to their maiden name.

@Lux523 I'm still happily married to my husband so it wasn't a sad and defensive response from me. I also have the same name as my husband & children & I see it as our family name - I assumed my husbands surname once we had children, not when we married. So if he died or split I would probably still be Cake Ambush I wouldn't revert to being Cake InTheOven as that's not my personal identity now.

It's actually you being aggressive about your own choice and criticising other women for not doing as you did. Live and let live eh.

Have been catching up and only just seen his remark to you that a name should be between a married couple.

That's ridiculous. I kept my own name, so DH and I don't share a name and I'm sure that we are just as special a couple as your ex and his wife-to-be. (I do have a common surname and share it not just with my cousins, second cousins and fourth cousins three times removed, but also zillions of other people and that's just fine).

Honestly, if he comes back to you, suggest that he takes the wife-to-be's name. Problem solved.

I love my married name, it's an awesome one.
I chose to take it. It's mine.

No way would I've going back to my constantly misspelled, mispronounces ugly maiden name.
Vain, flippant but true.

I think I'd respond to his second message with 'Thats very generous, thanks. I'll speak to DD to see how she feels about us changing to (maiden name) and let you know'

Honestly, if he comes back to you, suggest that he takes the wife-to-be's name. Problem solved.

Perfect.

Sorry, haven't read the full thread, so this might have been asked already, but would he object if you reverted to your maiden name and changed your dd's name to that as well? That could be an option if you want to have the same name as her, but I bet he wouldn't like it!

Regardless, you don't have to change your name anyway. You have a legal right to keep your married name and your ex's new wife is just going to have to get used to that!