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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Been asked to change my name by Ex's partner!

999 replies

justustwoandmoo · 16/02/2022 17:12

I have been separated from my ExH for 4 years, divorced for about a year. He has been with his new partner for about 3.5 years. I'm settled, everyone happy, no conflict and my daughter goes 50/50 between us. All good.

BUT I have never changed my name because I don't want to have a different surname to my daughter. Also, I just can't be bothered with the hassle tbh. I see it as my name and my identity really. It would be strange to go back to my maiden name now.

My ExH is looked to get remarried and he's contacted to say that his partner would be more comfortable if I changed my name back so that she can adopt her married name.

My brain can't quite decide if I'm being unreasonable by refusing? I just don't want to change my name 🤔🤔

OP posts:

Carolinaa · 17/02/2022 12:23

Totally agree with points already made this is your personal and professional identity and completely unreasonable to ask you to change it. I didn’t change my name on marriage because I was older than you and my identity was linked to my birth name. As you married younger and have had a whole life since then I can well imagine how you feel.

Classica · 17/02/2022 12:24

Neither do women it’s a personal choice to change your name. Not a legal requirement.

Aware of that thanks.

Doesn't change my point that men never have to engage with any of this thought process. Wish more than 10% of women who marry would keep their own name and avoid all this nonsense where your ex and his latest squeeze have opinions that they relay to you on what your name should be.

Intolerable bullshit.

Original poster

justustwoandmoo · 17/02/2022 12:24

@LorelaiDeservedBetter

It's odd to me that you're stressing it's all amicable and everything is fine ... yet you run with a 9 page thread on MN about how strange this request is and how determined you are to keep the name. Then, rather than acknowledging the issues and insecurities and logistical issues, you send them a dismissive reply. It's up to you what name you use (I kept my maiden name for work so I relate to keeping the one name there). But if someone I liked had sent me the message your ex sent you, I'd have picked up the phone and calmly explained the many reasons why it wasn't going to happen ... not started a MN thread and sent a dismissive text.

So why are you on MN then reading through this thread? If you don't think it's a good place to come and ask for a bit of advice then why not just scroll past and get on with your day? I haven't sent a dismissive reply at all. It was calm and polite as you say.

I really do not understand people like you who come on a public forum telling people it to use a public forum. Baffles me 🤔

OP posts:

Fupoffyagrasshole · 17/02/2022 12:24

Yeah new the name I totally get it why should you change it back and have a different name to your daughter ffs

Like the hassle of changing it your name too - getting a new passport, ID and everything !!

Just no

AgathaAllAlong · 17/02/2022 12:25

I think the people saying why do you want a man's name are missing the fact that the OP has had this name since she was 21. This name has been the name she's had her whole adult life. It doesn't represent the man, it represents her life and identify as an adult.

If I had married at 21 I would have changed my name too. One of the main reasons I won't is that I've done too much with my current name, it's too part of my identity now.

If he doesn't get that and a name is "just between a married couple" he should change his name to hers.

Original poster

justustwoandmoo · 17/02/2022 12:25

*not

OP posts:

HedgehogintheFog · 17/02/2022 12:26

It is NOBODY'S BUSINESS whether you change your name or not, at any point in your life. I am about to get married, and I understand that people want to know what to call me, but I am FED UP of everyone giving their unsolicited opinion on my choice.

Your Ex and his partner are being extremely unreasonable. It is very normal to want to keep the same name as your child, and everyone I know who has divorced with children has kept their married name for this reason.

puffyisgood · 17/02/2022 12:28

I personally would probably want to change my surname back to what it'd been, but it's clearly OP's choice and has less than nothing to do with the ex's new OH.

Rivering · 17/02/2022 12:28

Bit daft, but simple response ; you are keeping it because it’s also your daughter’s surname.

New fiancée is a bit confused probably, thinking that he’s going to have two Mrs.Davies when she marries him.

It’s nice that everyone’s civil

LorelaiDeservedBetter · 17/02/2022 12:29

@justustwoandmoo you can't see the difference between commenting on a thread and starting a thread about an ex who you're supposed to have a good relationship with and then posting on it regularly ... on a site where the Daily Mail often picks up stories? Because there are many differences between those two scenarios.

I didn't criticise using forums in general.

BackwardsPrawn · 17/02/2022 12:30

@Bookworm20

So you'd be married but using another mans surname?

'Davies' (for illustrative purposes) is her name. It has been her name for years and remains her name.

She originally duplicated that name from her husband, but it isn't his name.

Susan Sarandon is Susan Sarandon - she kept the name and it's hers.

Joni Mitchell is still Joni Mitchell.

Demi Moore is Demi Moore - she didn't go back to her maiden name when the marriage ended.

Pat Benatar remained PB, despite remarrying.

Raquel Welch remained that way despite about 3 more marriages.

Faith Hill is still Faith Hill.

Tina Turner.

Ivanka Trump (though God knews why she kept that one!).

Puffalicious · 17/02/2022 12:31

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk guidelines.

RoseslnTheHospital · 17/02/2022 12:32

I can't believe he and his new partner had the cheek to actually ask you! I think you've been very restrained in response, given what my response would have been. You chose to change your name, legally. As others have said, as soon as you did that it became your name. Not your husband's lent out to you, conditionally. If he is bothered about you all having the same surname, then he can change his name to that of his new partner, problem solved.

SpiderVersed · 17/02/2022 12:33

@Bookworm20 It's not "another man's name", it's been the OP's name since she was 21. HER name. As soon as she chose to use it, it became her name.

No one has any business telling her to change it.

BackwardsPrawn · 17/02/2022 12:33

Ivanka Trump (though God knews why she kept that one!).

Ivana. Not Ivanka.

JustPlainKnackered · 17/02/2022 12:34

Refer to yourself as the original Mrs X and her as the current Mrs X. 😂

QuirkyTurtle · 17/02/2022 12:35

I see where the fiancee is coming from, even though I don't agree that she can demand you change your name. I do understand her thought process.

I think you are well within your right to keep your name, but I would probably try and explain in a bit more detail why it's important to you to keep it this way, or why you don't want to change it. Even if you think it's none of their business (it isn't really), this woman is going to be your children's stepmum for a long time (hopefully) so it's in your best interest to keep them all on your good side.

BoredZelda · 17/02/2022 12:37

It's weird that because we aren't married she has the same name as my kids and I don't.

Your kids not having your name is your fault, not his ex’s

Original poster

justustwoandmoo · 17/02/2022 12:38

[quote LorelaiDeservedBetter]@justustwoandmoo you can't see the difference between commenting on a thread and starting a thread about an ex who you're supposed to have a good relationship with and then posting on it regularly ... on a site where the Daily Mail often picks up stories? Because there are many differences between those two scenarios.

I didn't criticise using forums in general.[/quote]
We'll have to agree to disagree then. I was simply asking for a bit of advice on a difficult situation. To me that's the point of this place. I haven't been aggressive with anyone and I really don't see why you need to come on here be so dismissive. Thanks for your input on the Daily Mail thing though. A risk we all run by being on here I guess x

OP posts:

babyjellyfish · 17/02/2022 12:39

OP I think you've been very polite and measure, and despite all the snarky responses I would probably have made if my ex husband did something similar, I think your attitude is the right one.

If he raises it again, I would say something like this.

"When we married all those years ago, I changed my name. From that moment onwards, it was as much my name as it was yours. I have had this name for my whole adult life, my daughter has the same name, all my qualifications and professional experience are in this name. I am not going to change it now.

[New wife] needs to accept that you have a past, which includes not just me but also our daughter, who has the same name. I hope that one day the three of us will all attend our daughter's graduation and wedding together, and get on well.

If [new wife] feels so strongly about the three of us not all having exactly the same name, why don't the two of you consider double barrelling both your names?

Good luck with whatever you decide to do."

AryaStarkWolf · 17/02/2022 12:42

I didn't criticise using forums in general.[/quote]
Oh get off your high horse and leave her alone ffs

BoredZelda · 17/02/2022 12:43

Refer to yourself as the original Mrs X and her as the current Mrs X

Presumably the original Mrs X is actually his mother. I wonder if the new squeeze will ask her to change her name too?

Toanewstart23 · 17/02/2022 12:44

Even if I’d been considering changing my name back
Following the ex’s request, that would be clincher for me…. To NOT change it

CherryRipe1 · 17/02/2022 12:45

OMG! Pair of cnuts. I had this exact same scenario including 2x letters obviously dictated by new wifey (as my ex is not terribly literate) commanding me to change my married surname & that this was quite easy to do. I filed the letters in the bin.

BoredZelda · 17/02/2022 12:45

If he raises it again, I would say something like this.

Or, just say “No thanks” and avoid all the unnecessary verbiage and explanation. She doesn’t need a reason to say no and she certainly doesn’t need to explain it to her.

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