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Original poster

Been asked to change my name by Ex's partner!

999 replies

justustwoandmoo · 16/02/2022 17:12

I have been separated from my ExH for 4 years, divorced for about a year. He has been with his new partner for about 3.5 years. I'm settled, everyone happy, no conflict and my daughter goes 50/50 between us. All good.

BUT I have never changed my name because I don't want to have a different surname to my daughter. Also, I just can't be bothered with the hassle tbh. I see it as my name and my identity really. It would be strange to go back to my maiden name now.

My ExH is looked to get remarried and he's contacted to say that his partner would be more comfortable if I changed my name back so that she can adopt her married name.

My brain can't quite decide if I'm being unreasonable by refusing? I just don't want to change my name 🤔🤔

OP posts:
Maze76 · 17/02/2022 11:45

Keep your name, it’s got nothing to do with your ex or his wife to be and if that’s the biggest problem they have.. we’ll aren’t they lucky!

Tallisimo · 17/02/2022 11:46

I think your ex’s wife’s request is quite odd and very unusual. Particularly as the surname in question is quite common and therefore not identifying. @Brightspice makes some very insightful comments which I think are spot on.

OP, I hope you can continue the amicable relationship you have with your ex and that this episode soon becomes ancient history.

Vampiremockumentary · 17/02/2022 11:47

Interesting that the ExH said "all 3 of us will have the same surname". A very telling error. All FOUR of you will have the same surname. He forgot his DD in his haste to appease his DP.

Davros · 17/02/2022 11:47

Keep the name, share the same name as your DC. 🔨 (gavel)

Glitterygreen · 17/02/2022 11:52

I hate the idea that she has "taken" his name, and now she ought to give it back?! She changed her name when she got married.

See I don't get this reasoning (although I do completely understand OP wanting the same name as her daughter so not knocking her at all).

When people change their name on marriage, they literally are taking someone else's name? That's the whole point isn't it? OP didn't just change her name to whatever she wanted when she married, she changed it to be the same as her husband, in recognition of the fact that they were now married.

I understand why people don't want to change it back but I don't think the argument is valid that they just changed it and it's nothing to do with the ex.

Migrainesbythedozen · 17/02/2022 11:53

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk guidelines.

affairsofdragons · 17/02/2022 11:59

Your ex and his fiancee are ridiculous and out of order. I'd be blunt. If he really feels it's that important that they don't share a name with you, the exwife,, then he can change his surname to match hers.

The only alternative, and only if you are open to it and he pays for all of the changes, is to sign off on your daughter changing her surname to match yours if you agree to change it. And he has to sign off on it now ... and I wouldn't change yours without doing so.

It makes travelling so much easier at borders to have a shared name on passports. It's why we double-barrelled our children's surnames since we both kept our own name. We've told them they can keep or change their names at 18 if they like, we're not fussed, but for now, it is the most sensible option.

Bookworm20 · 17/02/2022 11:59

Op, if you met someone else and got married would you take your new husbands name?

Because if you would, the argument that you want the same as DD and it’s a hassle to change it would be somewhat hypocritical.

GirlOfTudor · 17/02/2022 12:02

Why does she want this?

AskingforaBaskin · 17/02/2022 12:02

@Bookworm20

Op, if you met someone else and got married would you take your new husbands name?

Because if you would, the argument that you want the same as DD and it’s a hassle to change it would be somewhat hypocritical.

Doesn't matter what she would do. It's her name and she can do what she wants. If she changes her mind later then that is also her decision.
Original poster
justustwoandmoo · 17/02/2022 12:06

@Bookworm20

Op, if you met someone else and got married would you take your new husbands name?

Because if you would, the argument that you want the same as DD and it’s a hassle to change it would be somewhat hypocritical.

No. I've already thought about this and I wouldn't change it x
OP posts:
NannyOggsWhiskyStash · 17/02/2022 12:07

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted as it quotes a deleted post.

Bookworm20 · 17/02/2022 12:08

So you'd be married but using another mans surname?

affairsofdragons · 17/02/2022 12:08

@Bookworm20

Op, if you met someone else and got married would you take your new husbands name?

Because if you would, the argument that you want the same as DD and it’s a hassle to change it would be somewhat hypocritical.

Irrelevant.

OP doesn't want to change her name at the moment, so she doesn't have to. It is her name.

Nothing hypocritical about it. Right now she is happy with her name and happy it matches her minor daughter.

Rooroobear · 17/02/2022 12:09

Totally get where you’re coming from op. I feel the same way as you…..won’t be changing my surname as it’s the same as my children. End of story. No need for further engagement. You’ve said no and that’s it’s. It’s legally your name and if he wife to be had a problem then tough shit. He had a life before her and that was you and his dd. She will just have to get over it.

Colderthanever · 17/02/2022 12:10

Some real anger being displayed on here,

I understand both sides, talking about ownership of a name is a bit silly we all know it’s not about who owns the name

It’s about that It’s your married name, you’re no longer married to him, it’s not some random name, so I can see why they’d think it should be changed back. I can also see why you don’t want to.

My friend has kept her married name, giving her grown up kids as the same reason why not, I find it a bit odd to be fair. She’s divorced, why cling on and still identify with your married name.

BuddhaForMary · 17/02/2022 12:10

@NannyOggsWhiskyStash spot on.

Classica · 17/02/2022 12:12

Isn't it lovely for men that they never have to deal with all this bullshit.

BuddhaForMary · 17/02/2022 12:12

I don't get this 'clinging on to your married identity' thing.. it's THEIR identity. Work, education certificates, driving license, passport, friends, GP.. the list is endless. THAT'S their identity. And it's linked to their married name. Why should all of that have to be changed just because the marriage ended??

AryaStarkWolf · 17/02/2022 12:13

@Bookworm20

So you'd be married but using another mans surname?
So what? It's hers and her childs surname too
Colderthanever · 17/02/2022 12:15

@Classica

Isn't it lovely for men that they never have to deal with all this bullshit.
Neither do women it’s a personal choice to change your name. Not a legal requirement.
LorelaiDeservedBetter · 17/02/2022 12:15

It's odd to me that you're stressing it's all amicable and everything is fine ... yet you run with a 9 page thread on MN about how strange this request is and how determined you are to keep the name. Then, rather than acknowledging the issues and insecurities and logistical issues, you send them a dismissive reply.
It's up to you what name you use (I kept my maiden name for work so I relate to keeping the one name there). But if someone I liked had sent me the message your ex sent you, I'd have picked up the phone and calmly explained the many reasons why it wasn't going to happen ... not started a MN thread and sent a dismissive text.

babyjellyfish · 17/02/2022 12:17

@Colderthanever

Some real anger being displayed on here,

I understand both sides, talking about ownership of a name is a bit silly we all know it’s not about who owns the name

It’s about that It’s your married name, you’re no longer married to him, it’s not some random name, so I can see why they’d think it should be changed back. I can also see why you don’t want to.

My friend has kept her married name, giving her grown up kids as the same reason why not, I find it a bit odd to be fair. She’s divorced, why cling on and still identify with your married name.

Clinging on?

You're talking about a name the OP has had over over a decade.

When you get divorced, unless the marriage was very short, you're not rewinding the clock and resetting your identity to what it was before.

When the OP changed her name, she changed it. She didn't borrow it for the duration of their marriage.

As soon as she changed her name it was as much her name as it is his.

Nobody has the right to tell anybody they should change their name, for any reason. If you don't want to share the same surname as someone, you change yours, even if you've had it longer.

There are three divorced women in my family; three in their 60s and one in her 80s. The one in her 80s was only married for a few years and has been divorced for decades. The three in their 60s all had pretty acrimonious divorces and aren't on good terms with their exes. None of them have changed their names back.

ExcaliburBaby · 17/02/2022 12:17

It’s like you’re being asked to erase a massive part of your life! One that resulted in children with whom you share a surname. It’s totally unreasonable

Liesovertheocean · 17/02/2022 12:21

The idea that your right to your name is anchored in the marriage is worryingly pervasive in this thread and something I had long suspected. I never wanted to take my DH’s name, he was insistent and I was too pathetic to refuse. My bad.