Been asked to change my name by Ex's partner!

[justustwoandmoo]

I have been separated from my ExH for 4 years, divorced for about a year. He has been with his new partner for about 3.5 years. I'm settled, everyone happy, no conflict and my daughter goes 50/50 between us. All good.

BUT I have never changed my name because I don't want to have a different surname to my daughter. Also, I just can't be bothered with the hassle tbh. I see it as my name and my identity really. It would be strange to go back to my maiden name now.

My ExH is looked to get remarried and he's contacted to say that his partner would be more comfortable if I changed my name back so that she can adopt her married name.

My brain can't quite decide if I'm being unreasonable by refusing? I just don't want to change my name 🤔🤔

*LorelaiDeservedBetter

It's odd to me that you're stressing it's all amicable and everything is fine ... yet you run with a 9 page thread on MN about how strange this request is and how determined you are to keep the name. Then, rather than acknowledging the issues and insecurities and logistical issues, you send them a dismissive reply.
It's up to you what name you use (I kept my maiden name for work so I relate to keeping the one name there). But if someone I liked had sent me the message your ex sent you, I'd have picked up the phone and calmly explained the many reasons why it wasn't going to happen ... not started a MN thread and sent a dismissive text.

So why are you on MN then reading through this thread? If you don't think it's a good place to come and ask for a bit of advice then why not just scroll past and get on with your day? I haven't sent a dismissive reply at all. It was calm and polite as you say.

I really do not understand people like you who come on a public forum telling people it to use a public forum. Baffles me 🤔*

I don't get it either. I've just skimmed the thread and mainly read OP's replies but it's interesting that a lot of people saying your ex is not being unreasonable are also saying "I don't share my kids sirname and am fine with it". So which is it then? Is it important, or not?

OP keep your name. It sounds like it would be much more significant to a 10 year old to find out her mother no longer has the same name as her but dad's new partner does, than it should be to a grown ass couple who based on your age are also presumably in their 40's!

Don't change the name. I would just rinse and repeat all the reasons you have outlined here - mainly your career and your shared name with your daughter.

@BoredZelda

If he raises it again, I would say something like this.

Or, just say “No thanks” and avoid all the unnecessary verbiage and explanation. She doesn’t need a reason to say no and she certainly doesn’t need to explain it to her.

That would be my approach but I'm looking at it in the context of the amicable relationship they have.

The moral high ground is all very well but I think for the sake of their ongoing relationship it's better to be firm but polite and constructive.

@BoredZelda

If he raises it again, I would say something like this.

Or, just say “No thanks” and avoid all the unnecessary verbiage and explanation. She doesn’t need a reason to say no and she certainly doesn’t need to explain it to her.

Yep, agree.

OP I think you've handled it well. I would feel even more strongly about keeping the name after the reply you got, the presumptuous bit about helping with costs, as though now you're just going to merrily comply with their stupid request. I'd perhaps be even more inclined to go by Mrs again rather than Ms 😁

If not sharing a surname with you is that important to them then they should just use her maiden name.

I do not have an amicable relationship with my ExH AT ALL. I still go by my married name (albeit as a Ms, like you)
I have never considered changing it back to my maiden name. I absolutely want the sane surname as my children. To those posters who say that doesn't matter, well, each to their own, it matters to me.
Why should you go through the hassle of changing your name?! Plus the expensive, the professional issues re qualifications etc.
I can KIND of see the new wife's point. It would be nice to be the only/first Mrs ExH-name, but the fact is, she's not. A pp made a very good point about people assuming she's your daughters mum if you have a different name.
Stick to your guns! YANBU!
As a side note, my boyfriends ex wife has the same first name as me. His son asked him what would happen if we got married as there'd be two Mrs Minikievs Boyfriends-name.
I just laughed and said it's fine, even if we did get married, I'd continue to be Ms ExH-name 🤷🏼‍♀️

[quote LorelaiDeservedBetter]@justustwoandmoo you can't see the difference between commenting on a thread and starting a thread about an ex who you're supposed to have a good relationship with and then posting on it regularly ... on a site where the Daily Mail often picks up stories? Because there are many differences between those two scenarios.

I didn't criticise using forums in general.[/quote]
Do you have any self awareness or are you oblivious to how stupid you sound here?

@StripeyDeckchair

My response would be that I'd change my name once he signed the paperwork for our daughters name to be changed to the same as mine.

Be interested to know what his response was.

I'd say this too. In fact, I'm divorcing right now and would LOVE to change all our names but he loves husband and won't agree. So, like you, I keep my name to have the same name as my children.

My mum never changed her surname after my parents divorce and that was 40 years ago. My dad has been married for 30 years, nobody has had a problem with it.

I think it's complete reasonable for you to keep your own name, especially as it is the same as DC.

I think it's unreasonable to ask you to change your name for their convenience. There are fees for changing driving licence and passport as well as the inconvenience of changing bank, medical records etc and you don't even want to change their name.

If they want to have the same name as each other but different to yours, they have lots of options which don't require anything from you. They could hyphenate their names, he could take wife's name or choose a new name. If he doesn't want to change his name, then it's certainly unreasonable to ask you to do so.

You have given your answer. I agree best not to engage further. They are unlikely to agree with you and will just keep trying to convince you.

Yanbu OP, I'd be the same. I was married before, but it was a fairly short marriage with no children, so when we divorced, I did go back to my maiden name. However, I'm married again, took dh's surname and we have a child with his surname too, so if we were to divorce, I wouldn't go back to my maiden name. Apart from wanting the same surname as my child, it's my name anyway, has been for over a decade, and the hassle of dealing with all the admin changes (accounts, bills, passport etc) is enough to put me off tbh.

I'm still half amazed, half unsurprised that there's women who genuinely believe a woman's name depends on whether a man gives permission for her to ha e her name, and she should change it on the whims of a man (who is being motivated by the latest woman he's shagging).

A woman's name is her name. Nobody else has a say. Whether she changes it due to marriage or by deed poll, or wants to add a middle name, or wants to change her surname to a relatives surname, or an other reason, it is HER name.

There should be a disclaimer for insecure women that says "This man is divorced. This means he has had a wife before. If you find the existence of an ex wife too upsetting to handle, and are likely to be terribly upset that an adult woman maintains her own name, kindly find yourself a man who has never been married so you can feel super special and like the only woman who has ever been in your man's life"

I'm firmly of the thinking that if the surname you're carrying is by virtue of marriage, and you then get divorced, the married name goes too.

I'm divorced. My children still carry what was my married name. I carry my maiden name. We are still very linked and bonded. I think it sets a healthy boundary and actually is for the benefit of my children to help them to understand that their father and I are now divorced. I am still their Mum and I have strength and identity in my own name.

I actually think it's pretty sad to hold on to a married name.

@Bookworm20

So you'd be married but using another mans surname?

My maiden name was another man's surname...

My married name is my name. I chose to take it, and when I did, it became mine.

I really think your exH's wife to be is getting her knickers in a twist about your name which has absolutely nothing to do with her life! They are the ones being weird about your past connection through surname not you.

No reason for you to go through the hassle of changing your name personally and professionally - presuming all emails & life documentation set up in it. It is a name you have shared with your dd.

If they want a distinct name from you suggest that they double- barrel their surnames & then they can make all the changes to their bank, doctors, dentist, work, payroll, pensions, school contacts, insurances, online accounts etc etc

Personally I would rather my husband ex didn't keep his name as she's an absolute troll and doesn't deserve to be associated with the family, however it's a very common name so it's not 'that' big a deal but equally I would never ask her to change her name. My husband actually said he wished he had asked her to change it! But they have kids and when they were younger I guess it would be harder to explain why mummy had a different last name but now....I don't think they'd give it a second thought. How many couples are jn the world unmarried with kids and different names and it works.

I think it's a bit unreasonable she's asked tbh. I think an polite reply to explain that you'd prefer the same name as the kids and professionally and financially it's not happening and also just the time it takes to change your name. I remember the pain in the backside it was to change everything over I've still not done my passport!!!

@Lux523

I'm firmly of the thinking that if the surname you're carrying is by virtue of marriage, and you then get divorced, the married name goes too.

I'm divorced. My children still carry what was my married name. I carry my maiden name. We are still very linked and bonded. I think it sets a healthy boundary and actually is for the benefit of my children to help them to understand that their father and I are now divorced. I am still their Mum and I have strength and identity in my own name.

I actually think it's pretty sad to hold on to a married name.

Gosh what a load of shite that post was. Im embarrassed for you reading it.

You are perfectly right to keep your name and your identity as it is. She is allowed to feel a bit uneasy that she is stepping into your shoes or whatever but very unreasonable to ask you to change your name. I find it a ridiculous thing to ask. Sorry if she is feeling so insecure or whatever, but that isnt your issue.
Plus, obviously, you want to have for all the reasons have the same surname as your childen.

* I actually think it's pretty sad to hold on to a married name.*

Not if you had my maiden name!!
I’m keeping my married name despite divorce
Want to be same as children
And I LOVE it!

@Classica

Isn't it lovely for men that they never have to deal with all this bullshit.

Women wouldn't have to deal with this bullshit either if they didn't change their name in the first place.

'I actually think it's pretty sad to hold on to a married name.'

I think it's pretty sad that women feel the need to shame other women for the choices they made. If I ever get divorced from my husband, I would never in a million years change my name back to my maiden name, the name of my abusive father. If that makes me sad then so be it, I'll take sad thanks.

@Lux523 I actually think it's pretty sad to hold on to a married name

I think that's a pretty strong judgement! I think your children can probably understand you are divorced by the fact you lead separate lives rather than separate names. Just as children who's parents are unmarried and have separate surnames can still understand their parents are a couple if they are still together, not because they are called Mr & Mrs Smith. Just because you were happy to revert to your maiden names doesn't mean others should - they may be perfectly happy being Jane Blogs or just can't be arsed changing it. Either way it's perfectly in the rights to continue their independent life without changing their name.

I'm firmly of the thinking that if the surname you're carrying is by virtue of marriage, and you then get divorced, the married name goes too

I dont carry the name by virtue of marriage.

I married my husband and chosen to change my name when we did.
My name is my name.
It's not something that I've got on loan on the condition of remaining legally tied to him.

If we were to divorce then my name would remain my name. His name would remain his name.

It's really sad how many women think a woman continuing with her name is a sign of clinging onto the marriage/trying to keep links to their ex husband/not moving on etc. It's laughable. I couldn't imagine my self worth relying on thinking I'd 'won' (what I perceived to be) a man's name from another woman.

From her perspective she is obviously feeling threatened. But I don't know the ins and outs.

My boyfriend has an ex he's still friends with. From the off she tried to suggest I could end up hurting him etc. He wants to remain friends with her because they have history (no children) she did the dumping and I don't know if that's the reason.
I struggle with it if I'm honest. Not because I'm jealous. But because she hasn't been polite about me. She hasn't respected the boundaries.

I think based on what you have said she feels that by you having that name you are still a part of the man she loves. Which is unreasonable because you share a child and I understand that completely. It's perhaps very childish of her. But I suppose she wants to feel like she's the only one and by you having his name she's sharing her husband.

It's always hard in these situations. Exes can create problems if they are still hanging on to old emotions or if they won't communicate politely with the new girlfriend too so everyone has met. Again with my partners ex she was never going to be friendly to me. She remained friends with him but didn't want him to truly move on. Infact she wanted him back a few months back.

I think you should ask your ex what he thinks and explain you want the same name as dd.

I changed my name on marriage for a number of reasons. I don't actually agree with it but I had my reasons.

My partner's ex wife still has his name, which is now hers- she's been known by his last name for longer than she was her maiden name.

Were we to marry (and it's been discussed) it wouldn't occur to me to ask her to change her name.

And I wouldn't be changing my name to his either. So I would still have my ex husband's name.

My ex husband is remarrying soon and I haven't been asked to change my last name.

It's an utterly ridiculous request that requires no more than a, "No thank you," in response.

I'm firmly of the thinking that if the surname you're carrying is by virtue of marriage, and you then get divorced, the married name goes too.

Wow...

When I divorced from my first marriage I went back to my maiden name. We had no children and I felt no connection to the surname. I couldn't wait to change it back.

I am now married again and have children. We all have the same name as my husband and although we are happy, if ever that were ro change and we were to divorce, I would keep my married name.

I would want the same name as my children and would make it so much easier when travelling.

Keep your name OP, tbh, its not their business what name you choose to go by and they are the ones making a thing of it, not you.