Booking a taxi for 14yo daughter to get home from a club

[JakeDad]

I thought this was really simple and obvious but was surprised at the reactions, including from my daughter.

She's comfortable getting trains and buses on her own when needed, which happens regularly being in a rural setting, but the car is in for repair and I cannot get her home from a club later when the buses have stopped running at 6pm.

So I was going to book a taxi like I sometimes do for her older brother and with a trusted firm I've used for years.

But she said she was scared and decided to miss the club entirely.

Am I being unreasonable and am way off base with the expectations of an otherwise independent, smart, capable teen?

I hope you didn't make her feel bad for not being comfortable being alone in a car with a (usually) male stranger.

Can you not see that she has valid concerns as a lone female travelling? Concerns that your older son luckily is free from.

No way would I book a taxi for a 14 year old on their own. Not a chance.

I think listen to her on this OP. As a young woman I've felt unsafe in taxis alone on multiple occasions, and safer on buses and trains where there are plenty of people. I think good for her for expressing that she wasn't comfortable. It's nothing to do with not being independent

Am I being unreasonable and am way off base with the expectations of an otherwise independent, smart, capable teen?

Does it matter? She wasn't happy to do it, so she didn't. I'm sure within time she will be able to use taxis, but for now it's fine for her to decide she isn't ready.

I don’t feel comfortable in taxis and I’m a confident, mature woman.
Listen to your daughter.

As a teenager I would happily travel in buses and trains. I never ever felt comfortable getting in a taxi.

I think your attempt to do it is perfectly reasonable. I also completely understand why your DD is uncomfortable. I am a 45 year old woman who still sometimes thinks twice about Ubers because I've had a few uncomfortable (thank goodness, never scary) experiences.

Can you suggest her and a friend share a cab? Or perhaps you collect her in a cab?

There's a local service around here that specialises in taking children etc and you can build up a relationship with individual drivers. Assume that's not an option for you, especially not at short notice, but it has been helpful for me in that I have put 10 year old DS in one a couple of times on his way to activities - because we know the driver (he's also actually someone we know very lightly socially) and the company.

But she said she was scared and decided to miss the club entirely.

I think you need to work on this and her idea of risk. Without making her feel bad about it.

You could ask for a female driver if they have one. Or ask for the name of the driver.

A booked taxi through a reputable firm, going from x at y time to z where you will meet her is not the same risk as flagging down a taxi in the middle of a busy city where she knows no one. And frankly, probably less chance of unwanted hassle than unaccompanied on a bus or train.

She's picking up on leery behaviour, good for her. My generation just put up with it and it has a knock on effect on your self esteem.

Are you male?

I have a ds who's nearly 14...he'd be fine in a taxi alone but he's man sized and streetwise! If he was a girl, I wouldn't let them use a taxi alone.

I think it's good your DD was honest and you should respect that.

Could you go with her and hang around while she's doing her activity and get a taxi home together?

@BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz

I hope you didn't make her feel bad for not being comfortable being alone in a car with a (usually) male stranger.

Can you not see that she has valid concerns as a lone female travelling? Concerns that your older son luckily is free from.

Yes, I made sure that we were okay and had good chats about her homework and all the usual other stuff before she went to bed, so not a big calamity -- and have emailed the club to make arrangements for what she'd miss, checking with her that she was fine with the wording I'd used.

I'm acutely away of the lone female issue something often discussed at length and actively debated amongst all of us with problem male behaviour at school as well. She's always been comfortable in so many other settings and the fact that a long-standing reputable firm we've used extensively has the exact details of which driver is doing which journey does change it a bit. It can feel risky but we know of course that a lift from a friend's dad is statistically a far more serious risk even though it feels totally fine.

In the end, it was all dealt with, but I'm curious as to what other people thought in the UK. I'm conscious that some other countries have more independence amongst their teens than we tend to here, so was asking purely out of interest.

Dd took taxis from school to the station for many years from the age of about 13 as did many of her friends. I think because several of her friends HAD to do this (school up a country lane away from a bus route) it just became normal.

Ds also got a taxi back from watching an amdram show about the same sort of age. yes, he is male, but he is a very young for his age, vulnerable autistic teen.

@optionsgalore

I think listen to her on this OP. As a young woman I've felt unsafe in taxis alone on multiple occasions, and safer on buses and trains where there are plenty of people. I think good for her for expressing that she wasn't comfortable. It's nothing to do with not being independent

Yes indeed. In the end, I took her preference at face value and like you say, she knows she can say when she's not happy about something.

I hate getting a taxi on my own and I’m 33!! I call my OH and make him talk to me the whole time!! I’ve watched too many creepy movies

I think it was a good suggestion, nothing wrong with it had she been comfortable to get the taxi. However there's also nothing wrong with her being uncomfortable with actually doing it.
It sounds like you handled it well and are well aware of why she may not be ad comfortable getting a taxi alone as your son is, no harm done.

@BlingLoving

I think your attempt to do it is perfectly reasonable. I also completely understand why your DD is uncomfortable. I am a 45 year old woman who still sometimes thinks twice about Ubers because I've had a few uncomfortable (thank goodness, never scary) experiences.

Can you suggest her and a friend share a cab? Or perhaps you collect her in a cab?

There's a local service around here that specialises in taking children etc and you can build up a relationship with individual drivers. Assume that's not an option for you, especially not at short notice, but it has been helpful for me in that I have put 10 year old DS in one a couple of times on his way to activities - because we know the driver (he's also actually someone we know very lightly socially) and the company.

An aside about Uber -- if you're in a city that now has Bolt, they're worth a look. Very similar to Uber but rumour has it they have a tiny edge on environment, ethics and how they treat their drivers. Not available in much of the UK yet though!

Back to the question -- yes, we often come up with all sorts of other plans, sharing lifts and so forth, whether I'm driving her and her friends or someone else's parent is driving her and them etc... as well as contriving to end up in the right place to get kids from one place to another. More so when they were younger. It just so happened that today, none of the options quite came together.

It's interesting to see the different perspectives on here!

I think it was a good suggestion, nothing wrong with it had she been comfortable to get the taxi. However there's also nothing wrong with her being uncomfortable with actually doing it.

Whilst I agree with this, I think it's also an important life lesson for children to learn how to use e.g. taxis. Out of interest, how often has she been in a taxi? Does she know how it works r.e. payment, giving directions etc? If she has rarely travelled in one, maybe it's worth going with her once. What would happen if once she was at the activity but you couldn't get there to pick her up?

I'm in my 30s, female and in the UK and I've never got in a taxi by myself, feels like far too vulnerable a situation and too hard to get myself out of if I felt unsafe. No problem with trains, buses etc by myself as it's more public.

I think to be clear, the issue is that male drivers often feel quite comfortable saying things to female passengers that can make those passengers feel nervous and uncomfortable. Assuming you are a man, you have not experienced that. Often very judgey, aimed at the passenger herself or women in general, "ooh, if women are going to wear short skirts, what do they think is going to happen" for example. Or women are asked inappropriate questions about their lives/appearance/relationships.

I am not sure that how a driving company treats its drivers is going to manage for that. my first experience of such comments was as a young professional working in the City of London using Addison Lee - at the time, the main "corporate cab" company that firms laid on for employees working late/attending events.

Having said that, In 20+ years of also using black cabs, I think I've never had such a conversation with a black cab driver so maybe there is something about the culture of a particular type of service.

@PagesOfSlime

But she said she was scared and decided to miss the club entirely.

I think you need to work on this and her idea of risk. Without making her feel bad about it.

You could ask for a female driver if they have one. Or ask for the name of the driver.

A booked taxi through a reputable firm, going from x at y time to z where you will meet her is not the same risk as flagging down a taxi in the middle of a busy city where she knows no one. And frankly, probably less chance of unwanted hassle than unaccompanied on a bus or train.

Absolutely, precisely my thinking on the matter, yes!

I didn't want to push it when I brought it up last night as it feels more constructive to work on it over time, and I am always seeking to balance on the one hand cultivating independent capable adults who don't rely on TikTok for all their fears and misinformation, whilst at the same time feeling it's crucial that kids grow up feeling respected, listened to, understood, and so reinforcing their sense of agency.

Eventually, she'll make her own decisions -- and I won't agree with all of them, but then she won't agree with all of mine either. I was curious after the reactions here I got, so thought I'd ask a wide audience to see if I was a lone voice, in a minority, facing split opinions, or with a majority I didn't know of.

I'll likely let her know I asked in general terms and what the responses were, too -- she'll appreciate the input, I think, and also good for her to know others share her view while there are also some who think I'm not completely mad either.

I thought you meant a nightclub and I was thinking you are a wildly cool parent.

I remember feeling uneasy about taxis because I didn't know how you were supposed to behave. Have you explained that she's allowed to sit in the back and that she can put headphones in if she doesn't want to talk? That it will be prepaid and the driver will know that? These are the sorts of things which really used to worry me.

@PagesOfSlime

I think it was a good suggestion, nothing wrong with it had she been comfortable to get the taxi. However there's also nothing wrong with her being uncomfortable with actually doing it.

Whilst I agree with this, I think it's also an important life lesson for children to learn how to use e.g. taxis. Out of interest, how often has she been in a taxi? Does she know how it works r.e. payment, giving directions etc? If she has rarely travelled in one, maybe it's worth going with her once. What would happen if once she was at the activity but you couldn't get there to pick her up?

I am all for life lessons, absolutely. But a teenage girl may well be perfectly capable of paying, directing a cab etc. But not want to listen to sexist/racist comments by a driver. And as can be seen on this thread, many women have experienced such things. Only a few years ago I had to spend 30 minutes in a car with a driver who on asking whether I was married, proceeded to pontificate about how that was good and how much he disapproves of unmarried women's behaviour.... And there was NOTHING I could do - it was late, I was in a fast moving car (we were driving up the motorway from London). It was truly truly awful.

Also I think you're getting an unreasonably hard time on this thread - personally I value resilience and street smarts and would work hard to give those qualities to my children. Teaching them to avoid normal parts of life because they're afraid isn't healthy. They're statistically at a much, much lower risk in a pre-booked taxi than they are from someone they know. I understand that we want to listen to our daughters and help them feel comfortable, but there is a certain amount of discomfort which is endemic in life and we have to learn to navigate it, not run away from it.

@Triffid1 Did it not occur to you to put headphones in? Or ask for the radio on? Or to say you were tired and didn't feel like talking? Or that you needed to get on with a work email?

Avoiding a useful form of transport because you think the person driving might be sexist feels like an enormous overreaction. This is why I'm so concerned about raising resilient children.