Booking a taxi for 14yo daughter to get home from a club

[JakeDad]

I thought this was really simple and obvious but was surprised at the reactions, including from my daughter.

She's comfortable getting trains and buses on her own when needed, which happens regularly being in a rural setting, but the car is in for repair and I cannot get her home from a club later when the buses have stopped running at 6pm.

So I was going to book a taxi like I sometimes do for her older brother and with a trusted firm I've used for years.

But she said she was scared and decided to miss the club entirely.

Am I being unreasonable and am way off base with the expectations of an otherwise independent, smart, capable teen?

@Comefromaway

Dd took taxis from school to the station for many years from the age of about 13 as did many of her friends. I think because several of her friends HAD to do this (school up a country lane away from a bus route) it just became normal.

Ds also got a taxi back from watching an amdram show about the same sort of age. yes, he is male, but he is a very young for his age, vulnerable autistic teen.

Yea, I think this is a significant factor -- familiarity and what's normal. There is a great deal of fear of the unknown, and the real statistics we know only too well reveal that a pre-booked taxi is not amongst the top risk areas in life of this sort... (Nothing's zero risk, I know, I'm not naïve, but being practical.)

I suspect she'll be scrutinising the next few times we catch taxis together more than she has in the past, and she'll talk to her brother about it too, so over time will perhaps start to find her own level of comfort with what she thinks is okay.

Ironically enough it was her that got her friends to start using the buses, since I'd introduced her to that and once she realised the level of freedom it gave her, she was off and away :)

No way would I book a taxi for a 14 year old on their own. Not a chance.

My 12 year old daughter gets in a taxi twice a day by herself. It really isn't a problem.

This 14 year old gets buses and trains. A taxi booked with a reputable firm (i.e not an uber) is far safer than being on public transport.

I can't believe so many think taxi drivers are some kind of sub-human species who prey on children. If you take Uber and Lyft out of the equation, attacks on children and women are vanishingly low.

You've said statistically a lift from her friend's dad is worse. I really don't think it is. Waiting for a taxi that may or may not come is very stressful. She is at risk of getting no lift home.

Having contact with your friend and her Dad is much better. That may be a risk but it's absolutely not the same.

I'm in my 30s, female and in the UK and I've never got in a taxi by myself, feels like far too vulnerable a situation and too hard to get myself out of if I felt unsafe. No problem with trains, buses etc by myself as it's more public.

There could well be a time when she has to get a taxi, so better learn how to do it as safely as possible. I rarely take taxis now, (was put in one as a child to get to school etc) but when I was injured and on crutches and needed to get to check-ups, I had to. Couldn't get as far as the bus stop, couldn't drive, DH at work.

It's one of the first things I do when I move somewhere, ask around for recommendations for a reliable taxi firm. Tell someone you're taking a taxi, which firm you've booked it with, where and when, driver if you know. Text when you arrive. Standard going out safety stuff.

@PagesOfSlime

I think it was a good suggestion, nothing wrong with it had she been comfortable to get the taxi. However there's also nothing wrong with her being uncomfortable with actually doing it.

Whilst I agree with this, I think it's also an important life lesson for children to learn how to use e.g. taxis. Out of interest, how often has she been in a taxi? Does she know how it works r.e. payment, giving directions etc? If she has rarely travelled in one, maybe it's worth going with her once. What would happen if once she was at the activity but you couldn't get there to pick her up?

Oh yes, she's been in taxis with me before -- and this was a pre-booked option, so would not have needed to give directions, the firm routinely comes to our home address anyway, and if I'm paying then I do that with the driver when they get here. For other things, we have a family contactless card so the kids can pay for bus tickets or groceries etc., without my needing to have a pile of loose change available.

To be fair to the OP, I'm a woman and younger than a lot of (in fact, I think all) posters who have mentioned their age on this thread so far.
I have happily gotten in a taxi on my own and with my kids without a second thought. I would tell my partner I'm getting a taxi, but beyond that didn't see a need to give him the reg etc. (just "I'm getting a taxi from A to B since the car is in the garage" sort of thing).
It's interesting to read as I genuinely never felt worried or unsafe in a taxi, if my car has been unusable I'll always go out my way to get a taxi to avoid a bus or train. Now if I need to get one in the future, I'll share more information with my partner and possibly text him en route.

I thought you meant nightclub and was a bit WTF?

I'm not surprised she's reluctant to take a taxi though, we live in a world where strangers are dangerous and she's probably been brought up being told that there's no way in hell she should get in a car with a stranger, which is what the taxi driver would be.

When you said "club" I thought you were referring to a night club and thought arranging a taxi for her was enabling behaviour she really isn't old enough for yet. However on fully reading your post I take it to be an after/out of school club. She made a mature decision and hopefully won't have to miss out again once your car is fixed.Its sad though necessary that we need to talk to young people about the risks and possibilities of travelling home alone

Rather than her miss the class, why not offer to meet her there at the end already in a taxi and travel home with her? You'd have to have done the same journey in your own car anyway if it wasn't in for repair.

You've forgotten that lockdowns mean that some kids are socially 2 years behind so haven't had the practice of using public transport etc

My son is 15 and has been taking cabs alone for the past 2 years. His siblings did the same without any issues. However some of their friends weren't allowed in taxis or public transport until much older which is crazy when they need to know this before they go to uni or want you go out and drink

[quote LittleGwyneth]@Triffid1 Did it not occur to you to put headphones in? Or ask for the radio on? Or to say you were tired and didn't feel like talking? Or that you needed to get on with a work email?

Avoiding a useful form of transport because you think the person driving might be sexist feels like an enormous overreaction. This is why I'm so concerned about raising resilient children.[/quote]
I did get my phone out and start sending messages, yes. Didn't stop him ranting away.

@BlingLoving

I think to be clear, the issue is that male drivers often feel quite comfortable saying things to female passengers that can make those passengers feel nervous and uncomfortable. Assuming you are a man, you have not experienced that. Often very judgey, aimed at the passenger herself or women in general, "ooh, if women are going to wear short skirts, what do they think is going to happen" for example. Or women are asked inappropriate questions about their lives/appearance/relationships.

I am not sure that how a driving company treats its drivers is going to manage for that. my first experience of such comments was as a young professional working in the City of London using Addison Lee - at the time, the main "corporate cab" company that firms laid on for employees working late/attending events.

Having said that, In 20+ years of also using black cabs, I think I've never had such a conversation with a black cab driver so maybe there is something about the culture of a particular type of service.

Oh yes, good point about what a driver might think is appropriate conversation...

And as for my not experiencing it as a man -- well, sort of yes, in as far as in my younger and more naïve days, I sometimes had conversations with women that seemed fine to me (both because of not feeling threated by it and by not realising someone might see me as threatening)... only over time and hearing what was said about the nature of these things, I got a better understanding. I'd like to hope that I manage to avoid making such blunders these days, but it's always a learning curve and a work in progress.

I'm talking more about a fuzzy grey area, though as opposed to a range of blatantly wrong things to say which are no doubt in a good many taxi driver's repertoire for idle conversation, regardless of the age of the occupant. One of the reasons I ensure my son is aware of discussions (when appropriate) about problematic male behaviour is that growing up in a bubble can be an issue, obviously. I hope he can share some of his insights with his friends -- the more widespread understanding of what isn't okay and why, the better.

@LittleGwyneth

I thought you meant a nightclub and I was thinking you are a wildly cool parent.

I remember feeling uneasy about taxis because I didn't know how you were supposed to behave. Have you explained that she's allowed to sit in the back and that she can put headphones in if she doesn't want to talk? That it will be prepaid and the driver will know that? These are the sorts of things which really used to worry me.

Haha! Yeah.... I'm waiting for when she wants to start going to nightclubs! Her personality is tempered by her youth at the moment, and it will be interesting to see how it develops over time! With luck, she'll grow up to be a wildly cool young woman :)

Oh and yes, she knew sitting in the back was fine/normal, and she's been in taxis before (just not on her own) she asked whether she could put her headphones in, to which I said yes of course, and compared it to going to the hairdresser. Sitting in silence and/or making smalltalk are both fine, but in particular the driver is paid to drive and there's no need to talk at all. The route, directions, payment would all be sorted out I think it was very much a fear of the unknown, perhaps influenced by a general perception that there was something dangerous without making the connection that it was a booked taxi.

No doubt in time she'll decide how she wants to deal with it. There may be an opportunity to do the exact same journey in a taxi at some point, though most of our taxi journeys are elsewhere.

As a man you cant for a second have any comprehension about the vulnerability of a 14 year old girl.

@LittleGwyneth

Also I think you're getting an unreasonably hard time on this thread - personally I value resilience and street smarts and would work hard to give those qualities to my children. Teaching them to avoid normal parts of life because they're afraid isn't healthy. They're statistically at a much, much lower risk in a pre-booked taxi than they are from someone they know. I understand that we want to listen to our daughters and help them feel comfortable, but there is a certain amount of discomfort which is endemic in life and we have to learn to navigate it, not run away from it.

Oh absolutely -- I couldn't have put it better regarding resilience, street smarts and the unhealthy misplaced fear of risk when statistics tell us overwhelmingly a different story.

I tried to allude to the balance of listening and encouraging, and I like your way of putting it -- the endemic discomfort seems like a good turn of phrase... Best of all, navigating something rather than running away from it (unless it's a fire-breathing ravenous lion perhaps), is a good mantra, to be sure.

@PigeonLittle

As a man you cant for a second have any comprehension about the vulnerability of a 14 year old girl.

That's a bit like saying as a child she can't for a second have any comprehension of what's best for her. I don't like that approach.

I am intelligent and well-informed, and she is intelligent and capable of voicing her opinions -- what we did well, was to talk it over, come to a good solution in the circumstances that avoided her using the taxi, and both carry on with a lovely evening. In future we will no doubt revisit it and things may change over time, she'll talk to her friends, I suggested she talk to some women she knows who could offer her both an adult and a female perspective. We'll see what she decided in time.

Has she ever taken a taxi alone before?

It could be as simple as her feeling uncomfortable because she has never been alone in a taxi - being alone on a bus/train is different to being alone in a car with someone - even travelling with other people in a taxi is a different experience to travelling alone.

Also she may be worried about the idea of having to locate a prebooked taxi after her club - where I live many private hire firms have signage on their taxis but not all do, so other than noticing the taxi plate on the car it can be hard to spot them immediately and even I, at mod 30s still hate having to approach a car that I think is my taxi and confirm it is before I get in etc

I thought you meant a nightclub from your title .

I think your plan was reasonable but her reaction is also perfectly valid. A lot of taxi companies have DBS checked drivers who do school runs though and it might be worth checking that out for another time.

@BoredZelda

No way would I book a taxi for a 14 year old on their own. Not a chance.

My 12 year old daughter gets in a taxi twice a day by herself. It really isn't a problem.

This 14 year old gets buses and trains. A taxi booked with a reputable firm (i.e not an uber) is far safer than being on public transport.

I can't believe so many think taxi drivers are some kind of sub-human species who prey on children. If you take Uber and Lyft out of the equation, attacks on children and women are vanishingly low.

Yes, indeed -- it does feel like a stereotype borne of films and horror stories. Others have pointed out that taxi drivers can sometimes be unpleasant in the manner of their conversation, so these days having an option to just put in headphones and disengage might be an advantage, but the image of a pre-booked taxi being driven by a would-be attacker is as you put it, vanishingly low.

We try always to use the same taxi driver, so that we know him well and the kids have been in his car with us. The situation hasn't arisen yet, but I think dd would be ok being alone with him.

You have much more control over the situation on a bus or train or even walking. Can move, change route, ask someone for help, alert a driver or passerby. There’s much less you can do in a moving car if you feel threatened.

And in my experience some men speak very differently to teenage girls when they are not being overheard. It’s not necessarily about the risk of something dangerous or life changing happening, it’s got its own discomfort. So not so much about navigating or learning, just about putting up with a crap situation sometimes.

@PigeonLittle

You've said statistically a lift from her friend's dad is worse. I really don't think it is. Waiting for a taxi that may or may not come is very stressful. She is at risk of getting no lift home.

Having contact with your friend and her Dad is much better. That may be a risk but it's absolutely not the same.

Oh yes sorry I should clarify I meant when considering risk from getting a lift, nationwide risks are highest (by far) from people we know as opposed to professionals on record. (Even when stories about crimes being committed in the guise of a taxi, it's when someone's using their cab off duty not when booked.)

Also, it's worth explaining that the club runs on for some hours afterwards, so she would be safe, warm and comfortable with staff she knows well, in the unlikely event that a firm I've used for years suddenly didn't show up -- they've had a 100% performance to date, so I was confident they'd have turned up on time, but I did talk to her about the options when she asked about them not being there.

@Cognoscenti

To be fair to the OP, I'm a woman and younger than a lot of (in fact, I think all) posters who have mentioned their age on this thread so far. I have happily gotten in a taxi on my own and with my kids without a second thought. I would tell my partner I'm getting a taxi, but beyond that didn't see a need to give him the reg etc. (just "I'm getting a taxi from A to B since the car is in the garage" sort of thing). It's interesting to read as I genuinely never felt worried or unsafe in a taxi, if my car has been unusable I'll always go out my way to get a taxi to avoid a bus or train. Now if I need to get one in the future, I'll share more information with my partner and possibly text him en route.

Indeed -- and I think the crucial thing about a booked taxi is that it makes it a particularly low-risk type of taxi to use. There's literally a licensed firm with a documented record of which registered driver took whom from where to where at precisely what time.

My partner and I have our mobile phone location enabled and shared with one another, as it happens -- not for any other reason than it can feel like a bit of contact when we're busy, working, away, plus she lives in a different town while our circumstances require it, so we like that. But also means that we're already able to see one another's taxi journeys anyway. Not relevant for my daughter, obviously, but since you mentioned about sharing routes and so forth.

@tkwal

When you said "club" I thought you were referring to a night club and thought arranging a taxi for her was enabling behaviour she really isn't old enough for yet. However on fully reading your post I take it to be an after/out of school club. She made a mature decision and hopefully won't have to miss out again once your car is fixed.Its sad though necessary that we need to talk to young people about the risks and possibilities of travelling home alone

Ah! Yes! Not that kind of club! As you say, an after-school, extra-curricular type of club!

Normally we manage with lifts, buses, and my running around on other occasions -- just this one time, it was the only remaining option, so hence exploring the possibility.

@BiggerBoat1

I thought you meant a nightclub from your title .

I think your plan was reasonable but her reaction is also perfectly valid. A lot of taxi companies have DBS checked drivers who do school runs though and it might be worth checking that out for another time.

Thanks for the tip re asking for a DBS checked driver. I wonder whether they all are, I'm curious now. I do some volunteer work for a group which has all its drivers do an extended DBS check, and I didn't think anything of it being a blanket requirement. I'll ask the taxi firm next time I call them, just in case there's a next time.