Booking a taxi for 14yo daughter to get home from a club

[JakeDad]

I thought this was really simple and obvious but was surprised at the reactions, including from my daughter.

She's comfortable getting trains and buses on her own when needed, which happens regularly being in a rural setting, but the car is in for repair and I cannot get her home from a club later when the buses have stopped running at 6pm.

So I was going to book a taxi like I sometimes do for her older brother and with a trusted firm I've used for years.

But she said she was scared and decided to miss the club entirely.

Am I being unreasonable and am way off base with the expectations of an otherwise independent, smart, capable teen?

I'm 31 and I hate getting taxis on my own. It's usually a male, nobody else in the car, nobody to help me if something goes wrong.

I know 99.9% of taxi drivers will be harmless, but I don't want to take that risk of choosing the wrong one - and when you're alone, if they want to do something, what can you do to protect yourself?

@cherryonthecakes

You've forgotten that lockdowns mean that some kids are socially 2 years behind so haven't had the practice of using public transport etc

My son is 15 and has been taking cabs alone for the past 2 years. His siblings did the same without any issues. However some of their friends weren't allowed in taxis or public transport until much older which is crazy when they need to know this before they go to uni or want you go out and drink

The situation round here has been that she's not been too badly impacted by the lockdowns as much as life would have changed for her in a more urban context, I suspect. So for the most part, it's not a massive change, but still notable. The one big issue is the time off school and all that developmental opportunity there -- thankfully the school here was incredibly thorough with everything they provided online and so with parental support it wasn't as bad as I've known it in many parts fo the country.

@ItWorriesMeThisKindofThing

You have much more control over the situation on a bus or train or even walking. Can move, change route, ask someone for help, alert a driver or passerby. There’s much less you can do in a moving car if you feel threatened.

And in my experience some men speak very differently to teenage girls when they are not being overheard. It’s not necessarily about the risk of something dangerous or life changing happening, it’s got its own discomfort. So not so much about navigating or learning, just about putting up with a crap situation sometimes.

Yeah, a couple of other people have mentioned the topics of conversation that some drivers seem to think is okay. It's not something my daughter brought up, so I'll flag that up with her as well. I know from experience that when she encounters unacceptable behaviour, she does bring it to someone's attention be that me or a teacher or whomever and she knows I take action when that happens. But it's still unpleasant and can feel threatening, in the meantime. I'll see whether the taxi firm is able to send a female driver, as that seems like a good option too, if it comes up in future.

@PigeonLittle

As a man you cant for a second have any comprehension about the vulnerability of a 14 year old girl.

Am I being unreasonable and am way off base with the expectations of an otherwise independent, smart, capable teen?

Yes you are I'm afraid.

It doesn't matter that you know the local firm, and even the name of the driver.
Young girls spend their whole lives trying to defend themselves against the inappropriate behaviour of males. They hear constant news stories of young women out on their own being attacked and murdered. They are constantly warned about putting themselves in dangerous situations.

Being shut in a vehicle with an unknown male goes against everything they've been taught and the defence mechanisms they have developed.

As a man, growing up as a male, you have no idea.
I applaud your DD for saying no.

I’m 38 and I would feel very uncomfortable about getting in a taxi on my own.

I’m really glad your daughter said no to your suggestion.

Like I said before, for my daughter and many of her friends the choice was between a taxi or changing school/not being able to dance.

It was no big deal.

I've just waved my 9year old DD off in a taxi

@Arghhconfused

I've just waved my 9year old DD off in a taxi

What is your point here?

I used taxis for years and wouldn't put a fourteen year old alone in one, at any time of day. In my locality we currently await the publication of a report about abuses by taxi drivers. Think about Rochdale, Rotherham etc. I'm glad your dd had the sense to refuse.

Really feels as a man you are trying to mansplain safety as a teenage girl to a forum of women.

If a taxi driver is being leery - and an enormous number of them are - she can't just pop her headphones in and ignore him. It is not safe to ignore someone who is giving you bad vibes. You need all your senses and you need to stay alert. She needs to de-escalate the situation, make sure she doesn't let on her vulnerability, chat about how someone is waiting for her at home etc.

Perhaps something has already happened that she's not told you about thats left her feeling unsafe. Or to a friend. Almost every single woman has a story and most did not tell their parents, even if their Dad was super cool like you evidently are.

I would never have suggested this, I'm not comfortable as a grown woman by myself with a male driver.

@PigeonLittle

Really feels as a man you are trying to mansplain safety as a teenage girl to a forum of women.

If a taxi driver is being leery - and an enormous number of them are - she can't just pop her headphones in and ignore him. It is not safe to ignore someone who is giving you bad vibes. You need all your senses and you need to stay alert. She needs to de-escalate the situation, make sure she doesn't let on her vulnerability, chat about how someone is waiting for her at home etc.

Perhaps something has already happened that she's not told you about thats left her feeling unsafe. Or to a friend. Almost every single woman has a story and most did not tell their parents, even if their Dad was super cool like you evidently are.

The OP has not suggested that.

Honestly, I don't know why some people take against anything a man dares to say. It's depressing.

OP tried to find a way to enable his child to attend her usual club. Child for whatever reason declined. Her perogative but then she can't get to attend the club.

*Arghhconfused

I've just waved my 9year old DD off in a taxi

What is your point here?*

That it is a perfectly normal, everyday thing to do?

I hate taxis. Avoid using on my own after a very strange journey one night.

@MrsSkylerWhite

I don’t feel comfortable in taxis and I’m a confident, mature woman. Listen to your daughter.

Same here and I'm 53.

I'm 47 and hate getting taxis, purely because I do stupid things like fail to close doors properly, can't get the seatbelt to work etc. No concern whatsoever about the person driving!
I get stressed before I have to do it and I think it's more because there is another person who you can look an idiot in front of than anything else. Public transport is more anonymous and you can always change carraige if you accidentally burp really loudly or realise you've been singing out loud when headphones are in.

@comefromaway yep exactly that, that kids of all ages get taxi's everyday and it's really quite normal

@Comefromaway

*Arghhconfused

I've just waved my 9year old DD off in a taxi

What is your point here?*

That it is a perfectly normal, everyday thing to do?

But it completely ignores the fact that the potential passenger felt uncomfortable with the situation. Is this poster dismissing the 14yo girls worries?

The last time I was in a taxi alone, the driver proposed marriage.

Previously, I have been in a taxi and the driver talked to me sexually for the whole journey.

I avoid getting taxis alone. I feel more at risk in a taxi alone than I do on a night bus or walking through London in the dark.

I don't think you were unreasonable for suggesting it and I don't think she was unreasonable for saying she didn't fancy it.

Unfortunately though, travelling by taxi sometimes is a fact of life for a lot of people and she's going to have to do it at some point. Perhaps she just doesn't feel ready to now but I'd still be in agreement with those saying we can't always run away from situations because they're uncomfortable.

Perhaps the 14 year old has been spending time on mumsnet.

Buses now, the stress, tears and having to rescue dd from goodness knows where when she has tried and failed to get a bus when she was younger!!!

14 year olds worry about a lot of things. It is our job to help them gradually become more independent to prepare them for life. Some people may never need to take a taxi, thats fine, but for some of us itf you don't, you don't get to go anywhere.

I think that some people have over thought this a bit. The OP's DD's safety is obviously paramount and yes, no-one is ever 100% safe in every circumstance and of course a female is generally more vulnerable than a male passenger but if the OP wanted to empower her daughter to feel confident in using a registered taxi (and bear in mind taxi firms today are well aware of the need to make female passengers feel safe) then good on her. That doesn't mean that the DD should have felt forced to take a taxi but I admire the idea of empowering young people rather than wrapping them up in cotton wool, which will do them no favours as they get older.

I did it yesterday for my 13 year old, she was on her way home on buses on her own, as her older sibling had finished earlier due to exams and the weather got miserable, she has a long bus ride and a walk, so I booked her a taxi instead, on an app that uses licensed taxis, it shows the car, taxi number, driver with photo, and I can track the journey on my phone, as it happens she was picked up by a female driver, but she was just happy not to be in the rain, and had her phone so can always keep in contact with me, and it also has family link, so I could also see where she was if I needed.