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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Booking a taxi for 14yo daughter to get home from a club

158 replies

JakeDad · 16/02/2022 10:17

I thought this was really simple and obvious but was surprised at the reactions, including from my daughter.

She's comfortable getting trains and buses on her own when needed, which happens regularly being in a rural setting, but the car is in for repair and I cannot get her home from a club later when the buses have stopped running at 6pm.

So I was going to book a taxi like I sometimes do for her older brother and with a trusted firm I've used for years.

But she said she was scared and decided to miss the club entirely.

Am I being unreasonable and am way off base with the expectations of an otherwise independent, smart, capable teen?

OP posts:
OnwardsAndSideways1 · 16/02/2022 13:47

I mean, my teen girls take buses and trains, I've given them guidance to do when it all goes wrong, but none of it is 'buses and trains have conductors and CCTV and so that's far safer than a taxi'. You need to be alert and prepared to act in ANY method of transport.

Comefromaway · 16/02/2022 13:49

For those saying that CCTV makes you safer, this is not true, there are tonnes of CCTV footage of women being harassed or assaulted. Much CCTV is unmanned and only looked at once a crime has been committed, or wiped quickly anyway. It doesn't appear to deter criminality otherwise the most CCTV'd nation in the world, the UK, wouldn't have so much violent crime!

Well quite.

Dd was groped on a train. She had no signal at the time so couldn't text the BTP number and the man got off at the next stop. The police told her there was no point even reviewing the CCTV because they would not be able to identify him.

northernsquirrel · 16/02/2022 13:54

Good for her for making the choice and at least you supported her and didn't bully her into it or made her feel like she was 'making a fuss'. I wouldn't have been able to confidently make that choice at her age.

Oh God, the thought of having to sit in the back of a car with a stranger at that age feeling vulnerable and potentially trapped. Awful!

TheOccupier · 16/02/2022 13:55

Teenagers are very grown up in some ways and not at all in others, especially now when they have spent so long stuck at home. I think it was fine for you to make the suggestion but at 14, I wouldn't push it if she said no thanks. Sounds like you handled it fine.

I am astounded by the number of adult women who won't use taxis though - really?

Juliauns91 · 16/02/2022 13:56

It completely depends on the "taxi".
If it was a private hire firm I knew well, I would not worry at all. You get to know all the drivers.

Uber - never.

However, if your daughter isn't happy with it, then it's no good.

saleorbouy · 16/02/2022 13:58

Many taxi firms do school runs for the councils so can't see the issue regarding her safety.
Of course if she is not comfortable or confident to do it on her own then that separate issue.
Can you find out if there's a female driver in the fleet and get a driver name for her before the pickup.?

saleorbouy · 16/02/2022 14:00

As a principle from travelling world wide I always take a picture of the cab plates and driver ID when possible to have a record, in case.

KatieB55 · 16/02/2022 14:04

Lots of taxis do school runs and drivers are DBS checked. At 14 I travelled across the world on my own (no mobile phone) as my parents lived abroad with forces. There were things I didn't like but I had to get on with it and it made me very independent and resilient.

irene9 · 16/02/2022 14:09

It's very different walking to a station than actually getting into the very intimate and alone situation of a taxi. You can't get out and at 14 you do what grown ups tell you.
The guy could just be overly nice but make weird comments. Their only qualification is being able to drive and not have a criminal record (maybe) unless a small local firm dodged that bit.

fairylightsandwaxmelts · 16/02/2022 14:11

But you can't live lift thinking "what would happen if..." that's no way to live. You have to think "it won't happen to me" because chances are, it won't.

It's not for a stranger to decide how I live my life, though. If someone says they feel unsafe, they should be listened to and their viewpoint respected.

I'm surprised there are so few people on this thread that don't mind getting a taxi on their own. Maybe I'm naive in going walking on my own, running in the dark, waiting for buses at night or getting a taxi - I don't know but I know you have to presume you'll be fine in most situations as otherwise it makes carrying on with day to day tasks quite difficult.

I do plenty of things on my own.

I work on my own outdoors, normally in rural and isolated areas with little or no phone signal. I used to walk to work alone through a poorly lit nature reserve at 5am. I've travelled the world on my own too. I've never once felt unsafe doing any of those things.

But I do feel unsafe trapped in a vehicle with a stranger I don't know. It doesn't matter if it's logical or that I'm actually perfectly safe - I don't feel safe and it's not for anyone else to tell me that I'm wrong for feeling that way.

Itsalmostanaccessory · 16/02/2022 14:14

I think too many people on mumsnet get each other all worked up about very normal aspects of life.

A 14 year old being took scared to get a taxi is a worry. I took taxis a lot at that age. I take taxis as an adult.

This is like all the mumsnetters who wont answer the door and wont go for a woodland walk because they're too scared. It isnt any way to live.

Rosehugger · 16/02/2022 14:15

My daughters aren't keen to get one on their own (16 and 13) so I haven't pushed it. I'm not sure that I did at their age. Probably a bit older - 17, with friends.

Comefromaway · 16/02/2022 14:17

I couldn't afford taxis at that age to be fair. I got one rarely on the odd occasion where I had to go somewhere on a Sunday when the buses didn't run or late at night when I didn't feel safe waiting at a bus stop.

Similarly dd would get buses or trains when she could but splash out on a taxi when she needed the extra security it afforded.

lottiegarbanzo · 16/02/2022 14:17

I don't think this is about independence, so I think that framing of the issue is wrong. I think it is about risk assessment, at both gut and cerebral level.

I think it's about being in a small, enclosed, locked space, with and controlled by one man, upon whose good will we are completely dependent, for an extended period of time.

And we've all heard of John Worboys and we've all met creepy men and men who just make us feel a bit uncomfortable and men we don't really want to chat to, whose innocent, friendly questions might make us feel a bit uncomfortable. Especially when we were teens, without adult confidence and social skills. We might not choose to lock ourselves in a car with such a man, or any strange man, if we can help it.

Especially for women and girls, avoidance is the most effective part of self-defence. We're usually going to lose a fight, we might or might not be able to run away, so avoiding placing ourselves in uncomfortable situations with strange men in the first place is a really sensible, as well as instinctive, thing to do.

Bus and train travel require independence but generally feel safe because there are a lot of 'harmless, ordinary' people around, whose presence is likely to deter some behaviour and who might intervene or witness other behaviour. You can move between train carriages, look for staff, call the police. With a bus or train you can get off at the next stop, if really uncomfortable.

So I think this is a case of risk assessment being very different for men and women. In terms of the risks identified and perhaps, how we identify them (or how we acknowledge that we identify them). Men can be risibly keen on saying they're discussing something 'logically', when they actually mean 'in terms of my own perceptions, prejudices and preferences' i.e. 'what I want here is...(I just think my thoughts are better and more important than everyone else's)'.

IME in life in general, gut feelings are usually an effective and reliable distillation of a lot of conscious and unconscious information. Whereas you can reason your way in or out of anything.

So if you were seeking to present 'rational assessment of the risks' as synonymous with taking account of cerebrally generated information only, or presenting this as a superior form of decision-making to taking reasonable account of 'gut feeling' too, then I'd say you were wrong and failing to acknowledge an important element of how risk assessment works. I say that as someone who values rationality and is blithely dismissive of a lot of 'woo' and all sorts of fears that people build up as stories with little foundation or experience.

In the end, you have to take risks or you'd never get anything done. If my plane falls out of the sky I die. If someone wants to rape and murder me while I'm out running, I die. My coba says both activities are worthwhile (risk is very bad but very unlikely). My coba for one session of an activity vs a likely slightly awkward, maybe uncomfortable ride home, might be different.

If you took the taxis together sometimes, knew the drivers and she could specify which driver she wanted, might that work?

fairylightsandwaxmelts · 16/02/2022 14:21

I think too many people on mumsnet get each other all worked up about very normal aspects of life.

And too many get worked up about how other people choose to live their lives, even when it has absolutely no impact on them whatsoever.

A 14 year old being took scared to get a taxi is a worry. I took taxis a lot at that age. I take taxis as an adult.

Of course it's not a worry, she's only 14 years old!

If she doesn't feel happy taking a taxi on her own, she shouldn't be forced to do so.

This is like all the mumsnetters who wont answer the door and wont go for a woodland walk because they're too scared. It isnt any way to live.

Again, it's not your life, so why does it matter? Let people live how they want - it really doesn't affect you in any way.

lottiegarbanzo · 16/02/2022 14:24

At 14 I used buses and trains alone and with friends. Walked outdoors a lot. Didn't have need or money for taxis. As a student I liked black cabs. Have never liked minicabs. (Too small, enclosed, close to the driver, often smell of disgusting air freshener and make me feel sick). Have used them as an adult, can completely understand a teen not wanting to do so.

JimmyDurham · 16/02/2022 14:32

@asnippersdream

No way would I book a taxi for a 14 year old on their own. Not a chance.
This.
Comefromaway · 16/02/2022 14:36

Your choice of course. But my dd would have had to make massive changes to her life including not attending the specialist school she wanted to go to or ever seeing her friends at weekends.

tttigress · 16/02/2022 14:39

E, it's because taxis are more dangerous than buses and trains

Bramshott · 16/02/2022 14:40

I've used a taxi to get DD2 (also 14) home from an after school or extra curricular club when there was no other way.

She's fairly familiar with taxis as she gets one to school every day (rural area). She'd rather not take one by herself - I think due to the perceived 'embarrassment' of it not being the norm - but was okay with it as the best of a number of non-ideal options (the other choices being missing the club, or asking the club organiser to put a general shout out to the whole group to see if anyone could give her a lift).

impossible · 16/02/2022 14:44

I had a similar situation to this some years ago and asked the cab company if they had a woman driver - they did and that was the driver who picked up my dd.

Perhaps worth investigating in case this happens again.

gogohm · 16/02/2022 14:47

I'm surprised, my DD's took taxis from around 12, we only had one car so sometimes it was the only option. They are young adults now so not that long ago

Tenpintonpin · 16/02/2022 14:53

@TheOccupier

Teenagers are very grown up in some ways and not at all in others, especially now when they have spent so long stuck at home. I think it was fine for you to make the suggestion but at 14, I wouldn't push it if she said no thanks. Sounds like you handled it fine.

I am astounded by the number of adult women who won't use taxis though - really?

Well, it's not that baffling, is it? I've had numerous unpleasant experiences in taxis (and on buses, and trains). Most recently I had a taxi driver make inappropriate comments to me as soon as I was alone in the cab on the motorway (having dropped friends off). I called my husband, told him exactly where we were and stayed on the phone until I arrived home. I reported the driver to his firm and was told he was "probably just trying to be friendly" and that they would "would have a word with him". To be honest I didn't feel like I was in imminent danger, just uncomfortable and pissed off that I am still having to deal with this crap when I'm nearly 50. I can completely understand why some woman would chose not to use taxis at all, where they have the choice.
Givemepickles · 16/02/2022 15:12

I am always quite surprised by the level of anxiety on Mumsnet compared to the real world. I got taxis now and then by myself from about 5 years old. The driver collected me from home and dropped me off at school. I assume my mum checked I got there but not sure. Plenty friends did the same.

It never occurred to me to be scared. I really worry that adults are instilling fear in young people, usually fears which are enormously out of proportion to the risk.

Also, the bigotry towards taxi drivers (and the working class in general on Mumsnet) is really something.

PigeonLittle · 16/02/2022 15:33

9am prebooked taxi from your own home to school is entirely different than late in the evening from a youth centre.

Besides the point, she's not skiving school. She's choosing her comfort over an activity and that seems reasonable to me.