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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Fuming with DH

166 replies

gemini35 · 16/02/2022 08:23

Husband is away with work (never happens, very rare occurrence). Said he would call before bed last night and didn't - I tried him at 10pm, phone was off and he has only just called me at 8am this morning.

Very hungover, said he went out with work lads and phone was out of battery. No sorry and I was pretty miffed and told him so. He then got angry, swore at me, started being sarcastic and eventually hung up after a heated row.

Now he will turn it round to make it sound as if I'm annoyed he went out. I'm not. I'm annoyed he said he would call and didn't and that he was uncontactable when I'm home with our young DC.

But mostly now I'm just annoyed at the way he spoke to me (I think he was in front of his work friends? He doesn't normally talk like that. I could tell it was for other peoples benefit).

I feel like texting to say don't bother coming home at all I'm absolutely raging. Very upset :(

OP posts:
TTstormtrooper · 16/02/2022 08:24

Turn your phone off or ignore him until he comes back.

Original poster
gemini35 · 16/02/2022 08:26

@TTstormtrooper yes I was tempted to do this tbh.

OP posts:
millymolls · 16/02/2022 08:27

Seems a slight over reaction to me
I mean the shouting/ sweating is not great but an over reaction to simply not calling when he said he would ! He was out

rosieelliot · 16/02/2022 08:27

YANBU

Original poster
gemini35 · 16/02/2022 08:30

@millymolls yeah I did wonder if I was overreacting

I think it's difficult as if I was away I'd ensure I was contactable and if I wasn't I'd be apologetic about it... but we are different people.

OP posts:
CleanUpTime · 16/02/2022 08:31

When I (used to) go away with work before covid stopped my lovely 4x a year jollies to our other office by the south coast... dh wouldnt hear from me at all. That was an opportunity to bond with colleagues and do the task at hand.

Saying he would call then didnt isnt terrible especially if everything else is normally great. The whole thing could have been avoided if he had called I get that but I wouldnt be caught up on this. Maybe selfishly because its what I like but when I am away with work I want to be away from my home responsibility and focus on work

Whatsonmymindgrapes · 16/02/2022 08:32

Yabu. He forgot to call, yeah he shouldn’t have shouted but you sound very overbearing

girlmom21 · 16/02/2022 08:33

YANBU to be annoyed he didn't call when he specifically told you what time he would call, or to be angry he's spoken to you like shit.

YWBU to retaliate by doing the same thing.

toomuchlaundry · 16/02/2022 08:35

I can’t see why he would think his work colleagues would be impressed by him shouting and swearing at you.

If DH goes away (not often) he always contacts me, and will try and speak rather than message, especially when DS was young so he could speak to him

Original poster
gemini35 · 16/02/2022 08:35

I was really only mildly miffed - made a joke of it 'oh you're alive then' - would have moved on very swiftly if he had just laughed it off and said sorry! But he got instantly defensive almost like he was looking for an argument.

OP posts:
FizzyTango · 16/02/2022 08:36

He shouldn’t have spoken to you like that. But equally it’s not unreasonable for him not to call. When I go away for work I never call my DP, I’m busy working in note day or socialising in the evening. And just for context a few years ago we were a really suffocating relationship where we called each other constantly. So it’s not like I’ve always been this independent. But it’s quite difficult to call while you are away sometimes.

Original poster
gemini35 · 16/02/2022 08:37

so
IWBU to tell him not to bother coming home at all I guess HmmGrin

OP posts:
AnotherSillawithanS · 16/02/2022 08:38

Massive overreaction and I agree you sound overbearing.

Ignore the silly advice of ignoring him until he comes up. Pointless.....

RedHelenB · 16/02/2022 08:38

@millymolls

Seems a slight over reaction to me I mean the shouting/ sweating is not great but an over reaction to simply not calling when he said he would ! He was out
This.
AnotherSillawithanS · 16/02/2022 08:39

Did you actually tell him not to bother coming home at all?

KylieCharlene · 16/02/2022 08:39

The putting on a show on the phone in front of his pals would really really p* me off! Did you marry a man or a bloody 16yr old? I'd tell him he's shown himself up acting like Kevin the teenager and by default he's shown you up as a loser for being the kind of woman who'd marry a prick like him.
Do not contact him again and if he tries to call you then ignore him.
Don't lower yourself to receive his calls and listen to the idiot.

fairylightsandwaxmelts · 16/02/2022 08:39

I don't think forgetting to call is a huge crime. If he's away with work then his focus will generally be work and his colleagues, not making sure he's back in his room in time to ring home.

He shouldn't have sworn or shouted but I don't think you should have moaned at him either.

BuddhaForMary · 16/02/2022 08:39

I think it's fine to be annoyed that he was uncontactable tbh. Even a quick text last night to say he was off out and would speak to you today wouldn't have killed him!

That's the kind of jokey thing I used to say to exh when he worked away and didn't bother calling when he said he would. He also took great offence and it turned into an argument.

Original poster
gemini35 · 16/02/2022 08:40

So moving on from the fact I was mildly miffed that he's been MIA - how do I deal with how he's just spoken to me?

I fear he will just turn it around to make out I'm annoyed he was out (I'm not at all) I'm just raging now about how he's just spoken to me

OP posts:
MrsTrumpton · 16/02/2022 08:40

If he never goes away for work and it's a rare occurrence, was it really so important that he rang at a specific time? I think you overreacted on that score and should've taken into account he might be doing stuff with his colleagues before going off on one. Not excusing his reaction or swearing at you though.

KylieCharlene · 16/02/2022 08:41
  • tell him he's shown himself up etc when he gets home. Do not contact him or receive his calls/messages.
Genegenieee · 16/02/2022 08:41

I think you may have been unreasonable in what you said to him, even if you said it jokingly - that could come across as passive aggressive. He shouldn't have to check in, he's not a teen.

However.

If my DH spoke to me the way yours spoke to you, I would expect a very sincere apology if this was the first time this had happened.

Has he behaved like this before?

AnotherSillawithanS · 16/02/2022 08:42

I'd just drop the whole thing really and not carry it on.

Original poster
gemini35 · 16/02/2022 08:42

@AnotherSillawithanS no I didn't. I did want to though. I've simmered down now and haven't contacted him.

OP posts:
WTF475878237NC · 16/02/2022 08:43

It just wouldn't happen in my world that someone would get so drunk they didn't call home, on a Tuesday night, away for work...let alone get angry when being completely uncontactable was raised. When he's calmed down I would ask him honestly how he'd feel if you were going away for work and just disappeared for the night. YANBU to me. None of my friends husband's would behave this way and nor would us wives if we went away for work.