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AIBU?

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Original poster

Fuming with DH

166 replies

gemini35 · 16/02/2022 08:23

Husband is away with work (never happens, very rare occurrence). Said he would call before bed last night and didn't - I tried him at 10pm, phone was off and he has only just called me at 8am this morning.

Very hungover, said he went out with work lads and phone was out of battery. No sorry and I was pretty miffed and told him so. He then got angry, swore at me, started being sarcastic and eventually hung up after a heated row.

Now he will turn it round to make it sound as if I'm annoyed he went out. I'm not. I'm annoyed he said he would call and didn't and that he was uncontactable when I'm home with our young DC.

But mostly now I'm just annoyed at the way he spoke to me (I think he was in front of his work friends? He doesn't normally talk like that. I could tell it was for other peoples benefit).

I feel like texting to say don't bother coming home at all I'm absolutely raging. Very upset :(

OP posts:
Louisianagumbo · 16/02/2022 08:43

Maybe he wasn't at his best for laughing stuff off because he had a headache and he was anticipating a row. So he got in first.
Always best not to make arrangements to check in. Having a schedule is just another stress to worry about. I remember the happy days before mobile phones.

Original poster
gemini35 · 16/02/2022 08:43

@Genegenieee yes it has happened before. He has a quick temper and is a shouty swearer when he is angry. It's something he's promised he will work on as I am the complete opposite and I don't want our kids seeing that sort of behaviour.

OP posts:
ANameChangeAgain · 16/02/2022 08:44

I think you both over reacted. He should be able to enjoy a rare night out without having to check in at 10pm, just as you should. Do you not trust him?

BuddhaForMary · 16/02/2022 08:45

I don't understand the 'back in his room in time to ring home..' comment. Mobile phones work anywhere and there's a snazzy thing called a text where you can quickly let someone know your phone is about to die so you'll speak to them tomorrow. It's called common decency, especially when you know someone is waiting for a call.

And a 'sorry yeah my phone died..' would've been a more decent response rather than shouting and getting defensive.

It's not the forgetting to call that's the problem, it's the lack of consideration and that he'll now make out OP is angry that he went out (she said she isn't). Which is exactly what my exh used to do. Completely deflect and make me out to be mad that he'd gone out when that just wasn't the case.

Original poster
gemini35 · 16/02/2022 08:45

@ANameChangeAgain I trust him completely in terms of being faithful.
I don't trust him in terms of being responsible and contactable as he is notoriously useless in this respect and again it's something he was going to try and work on because I frequently can't get hold of him.

OP posts:
GeneLovesJezebel · 16/02/2022 08:46

My DH worked away a lot. If there was a problem I wouldn’t try to contact him anyway because there’s nothing he could do to help. You need to know what you would yourself if there was an emergency.
It’s wrong when he said he would call and he didn’t, and I never believe the old flat battery excuse.
As a person who has had years of this I’d say not to expect anything when he’s away. Sort yourself out, and just expect to see/hear from him when he’s home. It will save you a lot of heartache.

ZenNudist · 16/02/2022 08:46

Massive overreaction on your part. It really doesn't matter if he doesn't call just once. You sound really controlling. Drop it.

Arabellla · 16/02/2022 08:47

He needs to apologise for the way he spoke to you.

Is there any chance he could be having an affair?

WTF475878237NC · 16/02/2022 08:47

What is with all these replies! It wasn't a planned night out though that OP knew about in advance was it? He is supposed to be working and then went out on the drink and MIA.

Original poster
gemini35 · 16/02/2022 08:47

@ZenNudist I know it doesn't matter. As explained I was mildly miffed and would have gotten over it instantly.

Am I overreacting to be furious at how he has spoken to me?

OP posts:
Arabellla · 16/02/2022 08:48

@WTF475878237NC

What is with all these replies! It wasn't a planned night out though that OP knew about in advance was it? He is supposed to be working and then went out on the drink and MIA.
I know, OP needs to be good little wifey at home with the kids and not question anything.
Original poster
gemini35 · 16/02/2022 08:48

@Arabellla absolutely not - he's definitely away with work and it's a completely male dominated trip / business.

OP posts:
luckylavender · 16/02/2022 08:50

@gemini35 - complete overreaction I'd say. My DH goes away with work and for his sport and I know he may not contact me. We're both adults.

BuddhaForMary · 16/02/2022 08:51

Has everyone overlooked the part where he was the one who said he'd call, it wasn't OP who insisted he check in. But it did mean she was there waiting for a call he said he'd make. It's not about trust it's about consideration.

AnotherSillawithanS · 16/02/2022 08:52

Furious is such a funny word......are you furious or just slightly pissed off.

To be honest people that are a bit sarky would get a reaction from me. Where you straight out of the trap with that as soon as he said hello? Not excusing what he said to you but you have some accountability here also.

I say this kindly op.

BigSandyBalls2015 · 16/02/2022 08:52

I wouldn’t expect DH to ring if he was away for one night. What would you expect him to do in an emergency?

millymolls · 16/02/2022 08:53

I expect he was grumpy as he was hungover / tired
Look it’s not great behaviour from him but the whole needing to be contactable( in my view) is a bit of over reaction ( unless huge back story re yours or childrens health)
I think you should both just apologise for the row and move on

TirisfalPumpkin · 16/02/2022 08:53

The not calling is forgivable, the way he behaved after that was dickish. YANBU. Putting on a weird rude persona to show off to his workmates, and getting drunk to the point of major hangover around them (disinhibited behaviour in a work environment, good call), seems to show poor character and judgement, as well as a total lack of respect.

Original poster
gemini35 · 16/02/2022 08:54

@AnotherSillawithanS slightly pissed off that he was uncontactable (not specifically that he didn't call when he said he would)

Furious that he spoke to me like shit

OP posts:
AnotherSillawithanS · 16/02/2022 08:54

Op try not to let some of these replies wind you up and have you packing his bags 😉

blackdumpling · 16/02/2022 08:55

Did he agree to call you at 10pm
So that you would be OK with him going away?
Am also getting controlling vibes from the OP
IMO

AllOfUsAreDead · 16/02/2022 08:55

Since he has anger problems, I'd be phoning him back and telling him he isn't allowed home until he books a session with a therapist to get help. And if he refuses, we are divorcing. I wouldn't allow that in my home.

BuddhaForMary · 16/02/2022 08:59

So he didn't call when he said he would. Not even a text to say his phone was dying.
Massively hung over today and no apology, offended by a jokey comment and starts shouting and swearing.

But OP should let it drop?!

Yes OP be a good wifey, let it drop, bite your tongue next time to keep the peace, and you're definitely unreasonable for having even the smallest of expectations that your husband will be considerate when he's away. In fact you should probably encourage him to not contact you, go out get pissed so he's hungover when he's supposed to be working 👍🏻

Lighthouseblue · 16/02/2022 09:01

He got caught up in the moment, having fun in the evening and didn't contact you - no biggy in my book. No, he shouldn't have shouted and sworn at you but it sounds like half a dozen of one and six of the other to me. You didn't NEED him to be contactable whilst he was away, you wanted the control. He now thinks he's got it by shouting, swearing and being a big kid. You both need to look at the way you treat one another.

AnotherSillawithanS · 16/02/2022 09:01

Talk to him when he gets home but don't let it ruin your day.

He shouldn't be talking to you like shit but try and resolve it without it being a row.