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AIBU?

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Original poster

Fuming with DH

166 replies

gemini35 · 16/02/2022 08:23

Husband is away with work (never happens, very rare occurrence). Said he would call before bed last night and didn't - I tried him at 10pm, phone was off and he has only just called me at 8am this morning.

Very hungover, said he went out with work lads and phone was out of battery. No sorry and I was pretty miffed and told him so. He then got angry, swore at me, started being sarcastic and eventually hung up after a heated row.

Now he will turn it round to make it sound as if I'm annoyed he went out. I'm not. I'm annoyed he said he would call and didn't and that he was uncontactable when I'm home with our young DC.

But mostly now I'm just annoyed at the way he spoke to me (I think he was in front of his work friends? He doesn't normally talk like that. I could tell it was for other peoples benefit).

I feel like texting to say don't bother coming home at all I'm absolutely raging. Very upset :(

OP posts:
Lucia574 · 16/02/2022 09:58

I wouldn’t expect my husband to call me if away for work. I wouldn’t care if he said he would, then wasn’t able to. Really, so what?
Your children were fine: they had a parent home with them.

TravellingFrom · 16/02/2022 09:59

A parent being alone with their own children is not something that needs a priority call.

That’s a strange world you are living in.
I’m wondering what is a priority in your world?

ElevenSmiles · 16/02/2022 10:00

He's previously promised to work on being more responsible, contactable and a quick temper but hasn't. Sounds like a shit husband don't be the little wife.

GeorgiaGirl52 · 16/02/2022 10:00

What is wrong with expecting a husband/father with a wife/children at home to be reachable when they are away at work?

She might fall ill and be unable to care for the children. Or they might be ill/injured and end up at A&E.

It's not like she was calling to give him a grocery list or asking for a play-by-play of his night out with "the lads". She just wanted to feel she could reach him - "You're okay and I'm okay. Have fun. Be safe."
Surely a married couple could be that considerate and civil to each other? It is not unreasonable.

SpiderVersed · 16/02/2022 10:01

I think he reacted defensively and with anger because he knows he was in the wrong and didn't like it.

I don't blame you for feeling angry that he's spoken to you so disrespectfully.

RosieLemonadeAndSugar · 16/02/2022 10:02

I don't think your unreasonable to want to speak to your DH when he's working away. My DH works away for weeks at a time and he will ring / facetime at least once a day to speak to me or the children.

Just because they are working away, they are still parents and in my opinion should want to check in on how their partner / kids are doing while they aren't there!

Screams to me that he's been out all night and is feeling guilty so when questioned, he's turned it round to you to make himself feel better!

YDNBU

BuddhaForMary · 16/02/2022 10:03

Once again for those at the back.

It's not about him forgetting to call. When you focus on that you reduce the issue. It's his basic lack of consideration for the bare minimum of a text 'sorry phone dying' so OP wouldn't be waiting for the call HE said he'd make.

Then the deflection by him, getting angry, and OP knows he'll accuse her of being annoyed that he went out - which she clearly said she wasn't bothered about. So he evidently has form of turning things around on her.

Not to mention he shouted at her in front of work mates. Whilst that makes him look like a douche, it's also embarrassing for OP.

Costacoffeeplease · 16/02/2022 10:05

It sounds like he’s promised to work on a few things and not done so. What you do with that information is for you to decide

However, I think it was pass ag to say, so you’re alive then.

Hadjab · 16/02/2022 10:05

@ScribblingPixie

When he gets back, make it clear that he really needs to work on his attitude, but accept that it isn’t going to happen overnight - you can’t change the behaviour of others, they need to want to change.

I don't agree with that. If your DH is shouting and swearing at you then it does need to change overnight. I'd end any conversation that went that way and then not engage again until he was polite. To me, it's not 'you've got to change', it's 'I won't be spoken to like that'.

@ScribblingPixie I agree with you, it does need to change, ideally overnight, but OP has already said he's promised to work on it, and it looks very much like he hasn't so far, I'm assuming because he either doesn't know how, due to years of ingrained behaviour, or because he doesn't want to, so I doubt he will anytime soon...
TravellingFrom · 16/02/2022 10:07

@gemini35 having read all your posts

  • you’ve been having issues with him not being contactable for a while. Often enough that your DH has agreed to be more careful around that.
  • your DH said he would contact you in the evening
  • when you pointed out he didn’t do what he said he would, he got angry and spoke to you aggressively.
  • he has form for getting angry, shouting etc… when he doesn’t get his own way.
  • he was hungover and with colleagues.

My take on it

  • he is a twat
  • he is rude
  • has no respect for you

He probably flew off the handle because of a mix of being caught out, alcohol and wanting to look like an alpha male (whic he didn’t btw - his reaction made look like a twat 🤷‍♀️🤷‍♀️).
No point arguing with him or contacting him until he comes back home. See if he does himself.

Then you need a very serious chat about the way he speaks to you.

Fwiw my DH was travelling a lot for about 10 years, away every single weeks for several days. He started on the month Dc1 was born (no comment on that…).
We always had a call once a day, usually at the end of the day unless he was abroad and the time difference made near I possible to do so. The sea was that he would talk to me but just as importantly he would talk to the dcs too.
If he couldn’t (let’s say meal with the customer etc…), he sent me a text to let me know. It doesn’t take long.
That’s called politeness - letting the person you have an agreement with that you can’t make it.

babyjellyfish · 16/02/2022 10:07

@gemini35

Husband is away with work (never happens, very rare occurrence). Said he would call before bed last night and didn't - I tried him at 10pm, phone was off and he has only just called me at 8am this morning.

Very hungover, said he went out with work lads and phone was out of battery. No sorry and I was pretty miffed and told him so. He then got angry, swore at me, started being sarcastic and eventually hung up after a heated row.

Now he will turn it round to make it sound as if I'm annoyed he went out. I'm not. I'm annoyed he said he would call and didn't and that he was uncontactable when I'm home with our young DC.

But mostly now I'm just annoyed at the way he spoke to me (I think he was in front of his work friends? He doesn't normally talk like that. I could tell it was for other peoples benefit).

I feel like texting to say don't bother coming home at all I'm absolutely raging. Very upset :(

What kind of people does he work with, who would be impressed rather than appalled by him being verbally abusive towards you?
Wheresthebeach · 16/02/2022 10:08

The shouting is unacceptable and the deflecting. You need a serious talk.

I'd be miffed if a call was promised and not made, because I'd be waiting for it and a bit worried if it didn't come. DH always just send a 'X' before bed when he's away, and I respond with the same. Sometimes we chat. It's not unusual or controlling.

LampLighter414 · 16/02/2022 10:08

Could he be having an affair OP? Got so angry/defensive because he's feeling guilty

SamphiretheStickerist · 16/02/2022 10:09

@gemini35

So moving on from the fact I was mildly miffed that he's been MIA - how do I deal with how he's just spoken to me?

I fear he will just turn it around to make out I'm annoyed he was out (I'm not at all) I'm just raging now about how he's just spoken to me

My DH has always worked away, intermittently. He always calls in the early evening, as he finishes work and heads for food, drink etc.

Once he forgot, ran out of battery etc, and when I very forcefully said I wasn't too pleased to have been left hanging, worried about his safety (he does drive a lot, works at heights, with heavy machinery) he apologised for having scared me that much.

When your DH has sobered up, lost the hangover, maybe when he fgets home, tell him that he is sully aware that his radio silence worries you. That his defensive reaction didn't help allay your fears and that if he wants to prevent arguments like this happening again he needs to get his shit into gear and to learn to communicate like a bloody adult.

Until then he can take his anger, his nastiness and poke it where the sun doesn't shine. This is an issue he manufactured, he gets to deal with it.

There is no excuse for not doing the small politeness of a quick daily call home when you work away.

TravellingFrom · 16/02/2022 10:10

Btw I agree that it sounds like there are issues in the relationship that you’ve asked him to look at.
You’ve talked about him not being contactable but clearly the way she speaks to you, deflects etc… is another MAJOR issue.

I’d take a very hard look at what this Relationship brings for you tbh.

storminateacupagain · 16/02/2022 10:13

Olive branch

I know where l wou;d be putting the olive branch. Surely it was him that should have been taking the first steps.

Green light flashing brightly giving him permission to treat you like that again.
Actions have consequences and he has had none

KookaburraSits · 16/02/2022 10:16

[quote TravellingFrom]@gemini35 having read all your posts

  • you’ve been having issues with him not being contactable for a while. Often enough that your DH has agreed to be more careful around that.
  • your DH said he would contact you in the evening
  • when you pointed out he didn’t do what he said he would, he got angry and spoke to you aggressively.
  • he has form for getting angry, shouting etc… when he doesn’t get his own way.
  • he was hungover and with colleagues.

My take on it

  • he is a twat
  • he is rude
  • has no respect for you

He probably flew off the handle because of a mix of being caught out, alcohol and wanting to look like an alpha male (whic he didn’t btw - his reaction made look like a twat 🤷‍♀️🤷‍♀️).
No point arguing with him or contacting him until he comes back home. See if he does himself.

Then you need a very serious chat about the way he speaks to you.

Fwiw my DH was travelling a lot for about 10 years, away every single weeks for several days. He started on the month Dc1 was born (no comment on that…).
We always had a call once a day, usually at the end of the day unless he was abroad and the time difference made near I possible to do so. The sea was that he would talk to me but just as importantly he would talk to the dcs too.
If he couldn’t (let’s say meal with the customer etc…), he sent me a text to let me know. It doesn’t take long.
That’s called politeness - letting the person you have an agreement with that you can’t make it.[/quote]
I agree with all this.

BetterCare · 16/02/2022 10:17

@BuddhaForMary

So he didn't call when he said he would. Not even a text to say his phone was dying. Massively hung over today and no apology, offended by a jokey comment and starts shouting and swearing.

But OP should let it drop?!

Yes OP be a good wifey, let it drop, bite your tongue next time to keep the peace, and you're definitely unreasonable for having even the smallest of expectations that your husband will be considerate when he's away. In fact you should probably encourage him to not contact you, go out get pissed so he's hungover when he's supposed to be working 👍🏻

Could not agree with you more.

The bar is so low for men.

OP you have an absolute right to have an expectation of respect and consideration.

BuddhaForMary · 16/02/2022 10:17

I agree with everything @TravellingFrom has said.

And @storminateacupagain of course OP has sent the olive branch, she has been told to be the grown up, breath and move on. Which translates to let him get away with being a dick to keep the peace. It sounds to me like she does that a lot.

ScribblingPixie · 16/02/2022 10:20

@Hadjab Yeah, 'promising to work on' not being verbally abusive is no good. OP, set your own boundaries and stick to them. It's not your job to coach your DH. You can control the environment you live in, though.

EmbarrassedAllOver · 16/02/2022 10:24

YABU to initially make it into a big deal. My phone runs out of battery in the early evening and if I was out and about I wouldn't expect my partner to be upset that I didn't get a chance to charge it.

But in all honesty id probably react similarly, at least wanting a quick apology.

YANBU to expect him to apologise big time for yelling and you and swearing at you. It's disproportionate and never acceptable in my eyes. And it's very embarrassing and unprofessional to do it in front of people. He probably comes across abusive now, they're probably internally raising an eyebrow at him.

Derbee · 16/02/2022 10:31

@AnotherSillawithanS

I'd just drop the whole thing really and not carry it on.
This is what most reasonable adults would have done. I’d be likely to lose my temper if my DP had a go at me for not calling when I said I would.

Everyone should just get over it and move on.

billy1966 · 16/02/2022 10:34

His not contacting you is one thing.

His repeatedly thinking he can speak to you like shit, is a habit that he has no intention of changing.

Only real scum shout on swear at their wife for no reason in front of his work colleagues.

Decent people would be appalled.

He is rough, abusive and uncouth, but you know that.

Think long and hard about the life and future you want with a waster like this.

Stop having children with him for a start.

His complete disrespect for you and himself is clearly apparent.

He behaves this way towards you because he thinks he can.

Start protecting yourself and your children.
Start telling family and friends the truth.

Shit, shouty husband.
Shit, shout father.

You deserve better OP.Flowers

toomuchlaundry · 16/02/2022 10:34

So OP should move on and accept her DH is allowed to shout and swear at her? Why is the bar so low for some people?

SamphiretheStickerist · 16/02/2022 10:35

I’d be likely to lose my temper if my DP had a go at me for not calling when I said I would.

Would you not consider the reasons behind it?

If my DH had refused to listen, told me to get over it and move on, we couldn't have stayed married. I couldn't have put up with it. The worry, disrespect, lack of care inherent in that attitude would have put me off him completely.