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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Fuming with DH

166 replies

gemini35 · 16/02/2022 08:23

Husband is away with work (never happens, very rare occurrence). Said he would call before bed last night and didn't - I tried him at 10pm, phone was off and he has only just called me at 8am this morning.

Very hungover, said he went out with work lads and phone was out of battery. No sorry and I was pretty miffed and told him so. He then got angry, swore at me, started being sarcastic and eventually hung up after a heated row.

Now he will turn it round to make it sound as if I'm annoyed he went out. I'm not. I'm annoyed he said he would call and didn't and that he was uncontactable when I'm home with our young DC.

But mostly now I'm just annoyed at the way he spoke to me (I think he was in front of his work friends? He doesn't normally talk like that. I could tell it was for other peoples benefit).

I feel like texting to say don't bother coming home at all I'm absolutely raging. Very upset :(

OP posts:

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 16/02/2022 11:42

Sorry but I think you have massively over-reacted. You sound very controlling and just didn't want him to go out and have some laughs with his work mates. And now you're minimising it.

fairylightsandwaxmelts · 16/02/2022 11:47

@TravellingFrom

A parent being alone with their own children is not something that needs a priority call.

That’s a strange world you are living in.
I’m wondering what is a priority in your world?

But if a child is with their parent (or another trusted adult), surely you know that they're safe and don't need to ring and check?

I would trust my husband to look after our DC - he doesn't need to be checked up on. So if I was at work, work would be my priority as I'd know my DC were safe and being looked after.

fromdownwest · 16/02/2022 11:47

@TravellingFrom - I am not saying his behaviour was ok, but appear to have been caught up in the moment, and just forget to call or message.

If it was the husband, many would be calling him controlling.

Colderthanever · 16/02/2022 11:49

Love how pretty miffed and told him so magically downgraded to mildly miffed and only made a joke when you didn’t get the replies you wanted 😁😁😁

TyrannosaurusRegina · 16/02/2022 11:51

He could've at least sent a text out of courtesy seeing as he did say he would call.

BuddhaForMary · 16/02/2022 11:52

@GreenFingersWouldBeHandy

Sorry but I think you have massively over-reacted. You sound very controlling and just didn't want him to go out and have some laughs with his work mates. And now you're minimising it.

Christ.

Jux · 16/02/2022 12:23

I would have texted that by the time he got home he'd need to be able to speak to me like I was a human being, and if he couldn't then not to bother coming home at all.

Night out, sure, of course, to be expected. But to be completely unapologetic at being uncontactable and to then speak to you as if you were a bit of shit on his shoe? No. No no no.

SamphiretheStickerist · 16/02/2022 12:29

If it was the husband, many would be calling him controlling.

That gets trotted out a lot on threads like these. And, if the poster answers questions, they never seem to compare like with like situations.

Someone working away calling home for a quick chat, touch base, allay those daft fears is one thing.

Someone being asked to check in during a night out with friends. Something else entirely.

rainbowmash · 16/02/2022 12:30

Your partner was being a dick with the angry accusations, but please, please don't blank him for revenge unless you are, in fact, sixteen years old.

My partner and I are both away from each other a lot (me with travel, him with work/travel). We're both very attached and fuss over each other a lot, but would never expect the other person to be available as a necessity every evening for a phone call, that's just not what grown ups do in our opinion. We definitely make an effort to stay in touch, but if I were to call on a given evening and get no answer (or, as some people are suggesting, no "warning" that he'd be out and not available) then it wouldn't bother me - I might try again the next day.

Why should it bother me? I can look after myself perfectly well without my partner cooing at me on schedule once every 24 hours because, again, that's what adults do. And the chances of them being dead in a ditch are satisfactorily low compared with the chances of them being busy, socialising, or just being an adult.

OP, it sounds like you might benefit from making some connections outside of the family home to get more perspective.

BuddhaForMary · 16/02/2022 12:45

@SamphiretheStickerist

If it was the husband, many would be calling him controlling.

That gets trotted out a lot on threads like these. And, if the poster answers questions, they never seem to compare like with like situations.

Someone working away calling home for a quick chat, touch base, allay those daft fears is one thing.

Someone being asked to check in during a night out with friends. Something else entirely.

Exactly. It's not the same thing at all.

My comments wouldn't change if this was reversed.

Folklore9074 · 16/02/2022 12:59

If this is an isolated incident and things are otherwise good I’d not draw this out into anything bigger than it is.

So he didn’t call while on a work trip. It’s not a particularly big deal in and of itself. And maybe your ‘so your alive’ comment didn’t come off as innocuous as you think, maybe there was a bit of an ‘edge’ to it?

He probably didn’t shout at you in front of work pals… shouting at your partner isn’t exactly a good look, even with good cause (and that’s not the case here it just looks bad) and honestly there is no way for you to know so I’d just put that out of your mind. Give him the benefit of the doubt.

I’m not saying your in the wrong just that the whole thing taken as it is sounds like it’s getting blown a bit out of proportion. And perhaps it’s one of those arguments where ‘least said soonest mended’.

BuddhaForMary · 16/02/2022 13:01

@Folklore9074 have you read all of OPs updates? It's not an isolated incident.

oadhkand · 16/02/2022 13:04

there are better things to argue about than this, chill.

LottyD32 · 16/02/2022 13:15

@gemini35

I was really only mildly miffed - made a joke of it 'oh you're alive then' - would have moved on very swiftly if he had just laughed it off and said sorry! But he got instantly defensive almost like he was looking for an argument.

Almost like he's been doing things he shouldn't.

If he doesn't normally behave like his I'd question this a bit more.

TravellingFrom · 16/02/2022 13:22

[quote fromdownwest]@TravellingFrom - I am not saying his behaviour was ok, but appear to have been caught up in the moment, and just forget to call or message.

If it was the husband, many would be calling him controlling.[/quote]
Why controlling?

If I had agreed with my DH to stay in touch, the i would. Just like I would with anyone else. That’s nit being controlling.

If my DH was asking me to touch base to be sure I’m ok, just like you would send a text to a friend to say you’re back home safe (and let’s be honest, I have travelled for work and sometimes situations ARE iffy), the I would take that into account. Because I care about my DH and don’t want him to worry. I wouod think he is controlling.

Now if he was telling me what to do in the evening, stopping me from going out or making me feel like I can’t gi away in my own, THEN it would be controlling.
But keeping in touch with your loved ones when you are away is just … pretty normal.

WalkingOnTheCracks · 16/02/2022 19:01

Jesus, if I got infuriated every time the spouse failed to call when I was home with the kids we'd each be have been seeing those kids on alternate weekends for about the last fifteen years.

I don't think that saying you'll check in at a given time is a sacred promise that cannot be broken. And although his reaction on the call might have been a bit spiky, we have no way of knowing how spiky you sounded to him.

I'd let it go.

Then again, there are quite a few marital to-and-fros on MN that I can't see the point of.

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