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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Fuming with DH

166 replies

gemini35 · 16/02/2022 08:23

Husband is away with work (never happens, very rare occurrence). Said he would call before bed last night and didn't - I tried him at 10pm, phone was off and he has only just called me at 8am this morning.

Very hungover, said he went out with work lads and phone was out of battery. No sorry and I was pretty miffed and told him so. He then got angry, swore at me, started being sarcastic and eventually hung up after a heated row.

Now he will turn it round to make it sound as if I'm annoyed he went out. I'm not. I'm annoyed he said he would call and didn't and that he was uncontactable when I'm home with our young DC.

But mostly now I'm just annoyed at the way he spoke to me (I think he was in front of his work friends? He doesn't normally talk like that. I could tell it was for other peoples benefit).

I feel like texting to say don't bother coming home at all I'm absolutely raging. Very upset :(

OP posts:

thenewduchessoflapland · 16/02/2022 09:26

If he has time to go out and get pissed he has time for one quick 5 minute call to his wife or at least a message.

What was wrong with a

"Hi x;sorry can't call as busy with stuff on with work colleagues tonight;today has gone well,I trust all is okay at home,miss you all,love you,speak tomorrow x"

Could have easily avoided this drama this morning.

There was nothing wrong for popping out and enjoying a a couple of drinks with colleagues but it sounds as though he had too much and was shitty and hungover this morning.

Onlyforcake · 16/02/2022 09:26

Hungover, possibly still drunk. Not an excuse but there's no point in trying to talk to someone not in a rational frame of mind because of alcohol or the after effects. He sounds very self obsessed and like he's made an utter twat of himself at a work function. Classy.

HunterHearstHelmsley · 16/02/2022 09:27

When I used to work away a lot, I was with someone who would do the passive aggressive "oh, so you're alive then" bullshit if I didn't call when expected. In the end, I'd tell him to fuck off and hang up. I wouldn't waste my time getting into a row about it.

BuddhaForMary · 16/02/2022 09:31

So basically even though he said he'd call and couldn't even be arsed to text and let OP know his phone was dying, it's fine?

Is the bar set that low that even a quick text is expecting too much?

I put up with enough shit like that when I was married to know that it doesn't end there. It ends up death by a thousand cuts quite frankly, constantly overlooking little things to keep the peace, then the little things become bigger things and before you know it you're putting to with and forgiving all sorts of shit.

It's not unreasonable to expect someone who's said they'll call to either a) call or b) at least drop a quick text to say phone dying. That's literally the bare minimum of expectation. So you shouldn't even expect the bare minimum, is that right?

If this was a work scenario and you didn't call a client when you said you would and were uncontactable when they called you, would you expect them to be ok with it? Because I know my clients wouldn't be. Especially if I got nasty with them and I was clearly hungover.

But because it's his wife it's ok.

Righto.

BoredZelda · 16/02/2022 09:33

sounds like he was showing off in front of his friends. V childish and disrespectful imho.

Only sounds like that because OP actually said it.

But then I'm not a "cool wife" who thinks it is ok to get wasted rather than check in on my family

It isn't "cool wife" (whatever that actually means) to treat your husband like the adult he is. As an adult myself, I don't need checking in on the minute my husband leaves the house.

Ponoka7 · 16/02/2022 09:34

"If he has time to go out and get pissed he has time for one quick 5 minute call to his wife"

Some of us don't want to be on our phones when we are in company. If cuts off the conversation etc. He was out of battery, which meant that he would have had to stay in the room to charge his phone and not mix. It's just extra pressure.
My DH worked away pre mobile phones. I don't understand all the drama of 'being at home with young children' etc. If he missed calling the children to say goodnight, that I could understand, but an adult shouldn't need that and he shouldn't have to be tied to his phone.
OP address your use of sarcasm, it's draining to other people. Do you use it regularly as a way to communicate?

BoredZelda · 16/02/2022 09:35

It baffles me on MN sometimes that people think shitty behaviour should be tolerated

It baffles me that people think missing one phone call when your battery has died is shitty behaviour.

Sweetpeasaremadeforbees · 16/02/2022 09:37

I think if you say you're going to call someone when you're away, bloody call them. If not say I may be too busy so don't worry if you don't hear from me.

The anger and sarcasm would make me livid (especially if it's a recurring issue) - just because you're feeling shit with a hangover, don't take it out on me.

So YADNBU. Is he seeking help for the anger issues because it sounds like he can't solve it himself just by showing some restraint?

WetLookKnitwear · 16/02/2022 09:37

It’s a bit of a mess now because there’s wrong on both sides, it sounds like you had a dig at him when you finally got through to him which was never going to go down well, it probably would have been better to not bother calling/answering if you knew you were going to have an argument.

On the other hand I would never tolerate being talked to like shit and I think it’s ok to say “never talk to me like that again” it sounds harsh but it’s firm and gets the point across.

Generally I think it’s a bit OTT to get really pissed off if your OH doesn’t call you when they say they would when they’re on a work bonding mission. But then again I’m not particularly fussed about phone calls- I understand some people feel differently.

Original poster

gemini35 · 16/02/2022 09:38

Taking all of your responses in to account (thank you for all of them)

I have text him an olive branch but also asked he addresses the swearing and name calling as he said he would before. Also said hope he had a nice evening out and we are looking forward to seeing him next week.

I think I probably do need to realise that he and I are different and just because I wouldn't 'clock off' as someone described it, he obviously does

OP posts:

BoredZelda · 16/02/2022 09:39

If this was a work scenario and you didn't call a client when you said you would and were uncontactable when they called you, would you expect them to be ok with it?

That's an entirely different situation. Clients pay fees which keep you in a job. A parent being alone with their own children is not something that needs a priority call.

Not a great thing to not call when you say you will, but also, not shitty behaviour that requires to be called out the next morning when they do call.

Oldh · 16/02/2022 09:40

It all depends on context and previous history. As only the OP knows any of this, how can anyone else answer? You need to decide for yourself, or at least repeat incidents to give us a clue

toomuchlaundry · 16/02/2022 09:42

@BoredZelda so it is ok for the DH to shout and swear at the OP? He has anger issues which is shitty behaviour in my book

Overandout1 · 16/02/2022 09:42

I don't think you're unreasonable. Fair enough he was away and out with work mates, however he's the one who said he'd call and realistically it takes a minute to write a text ' Sorry op won't get the chance to call, I'm out with work colleagues. Hope you and kids are ok. Speak tomorrow'.
I honestly think that if you have children someone both parents should be contactable. As a mum, when my eldest is with his dad I always have my phone incase of emergencies.

BoredZelda · 16/02/2022 09:43

Stop telling him off over texts. Deal with it when he gets home.

I think I probably do need to realise that he and I are different and just because I wouldn't 'clock off' as someone described it, he obviously does

It isn't clocking off. It is dealing with the situation where you are. When I'm at work, I'm working. When I'm on a work trip that often involves being sociable with people I'm travelling with. I'm not spending all my time thinking about my husband and daughter. That's the case whether I'm home or away.

It isn't that you are different people, it is that you perhaps don't understand what happens on work trips. If he rarely works away, perhaps he didn't realise how they can pan out hence his assumption he would be calling at 8pm.

Hadjab · 16/02/2022 09:43

[quote gemini35]@ANameChangeAgain I trust him completely in terms of being faithful.
I don't trust him in terms of being responsible and contactable as he is notoriously useless in this respect and again it's something he was going to try and work on because I frequently can't get hold of him. [/quote]
He shouldn’t have spoken to you like that. That said, you say he has form for it, and also he’s frequently uncontactable, so why work yourself up into a state if you know this is what he does? When he gets back, make it clear that he really needs to work on his attitude, but accept that it isn’t going to happen overnight - you can’t change the behaviour of others, they need to want to change.

BoredZelda · 16/02/2022 09:45

so it is ok for the DH to shout and swear at the OP? He has anger issues which is shitty behaviour in my book

Perhaps you might want to read my actual words rather than making stuff up.

emuloc · 16/02/2022 09:45

Yabu.

Savingpeoplehuntingthings · 16/02/2022 09:46

My dh was away with work last night, he said he'd call to say ni night and didn't. I assumed he was busy/ gone out for tea . He rang 10 minutes ago and said good morning. Said he'd gone out for tea and then the hotel bar for drinks. That's fine, he's an adult, allowed to go out and forget to ring home.
However, he works away often, knows I don't expect a call, knows he doesn't need to be contactable at all times. I know he may or may not call, all's good. I didn't tell him off for not ringing last night, he'd probably be a bit wtf if I did. In turn when I go away I am not held accountable to times to ring home, I may or may not depending on if I feel like it/ if I'm busy.
I think the problem was not the lack of phone call but the way you both reacted. You had a go at him first chance which is not ideal, he shouldn't have spoke to you like shit.

HopefulRose · 16/02/2022 09:52

@gemini35

You're not being unreasonable, his reaction is a red flag. Yes he might be hungover but you shouldn't treat your wife that way!

You need to say something along these lines via text .. "I'm hurt you didn't X it made me feel Y. In future I would appreciate Z. I want an apology for X the way you spoke to me this morning was inappropriate and crossed a line, you shouldn't be swearing at your wife. That's verbal abuse.'

ScribblingPixie · 16/02/2022 09:52

When he gets back, make it clear that he really needs to work on his attitude, but accept that it isn’t going to happen overnight - you can’t change the behaviour of others, they need to want to change.

I don't agree with that. If your DH is shouting and swearing at you then it does need to change overnight. I'd end any conversation that went that way and then not engage again until he was polite. To me, it's not 'you've got to change', it's 'I won't be spoken to like that'.

EmbarrassingHadrosaurus · 16/02/2022 09:53

I support BuddhaForMary 's summaries. OP has stated that DH is quick to temper, shouts and swears and that he's supposed to be working on this, especially as they have children.

It might just be a broken undertaking to call in some relationships where everything else is otherwise fine. However, context is everything and the OP has given additional information that raises concerns.

GracieLouFreeebush · 16/02/2022 09:56

You don’t deserve to be spoken to like that. Ignore everyone trying to sound cool and like they wouldn’t be bothered. Even if he couldn’t call he could have text saying he had got there ok, hope the kids have settled - you are in a relationship with him and have a family with him, I’m not sure why speaking to each other is deemed as controlling. Whenever I go anywhere my dp always asks me to let him know I get there ok or if I go out for a drink with friends he asks me to let him know when I’m in so he knows everything is ok, it’s not controlling it’s caring! If I do away I like to ring him for a chat too because I know he is home alone and will be missing me.

If he turns it around and claims that what happened is different then that’s gaslighting and you don’t need to stand for it.

3luckystars · 16/02/2022 09:56

Of course you are annoyed he went out. If her and you at the time and was in a nightclub, you’d have still been annoyed. Usually when I get annoyed with someone else like this, it’s because I have been neglecting myself. When is the last time you did something that made you happy?

Look after yourself.

redtshirt50 · 16/02/2022 09:57

I vote yabu for being miffed he didn’t call

But I wouldn’t like the shouting and swearing… if all you said was ‘oh you’re alive then’ then that seems an extreme reaction

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