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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Fuming with DH

166 replies

gemini35 · 16/02/2022 08:23

Husband is away with work (never happens, very rare occurrence). Said he would call before bed last night and didn't - I tried him at 10pm, phone was off and he has only just called me at 8am this morning.

Very hungover, said he went out with work lads and phone was out of battery. No sorry and I was pretty miffed and told him so. He then got angry, swore at me, started being sarcastic and eventually hung up after a heated row.

Now he will turn it round to make it sound as if I'm annoyed he went out. I'm not. I'm annoyed he said he would call and didn't and that he was uncontactable when I'm home with our young DC.

But mostly now I'm just annoyed at the way he spoke to me (I think he was in front of his work friends? He doesn't normally talk like that. I could tell it was for other peoples benefit).

I feel like texting to say don't bother coming home at all I'm absolutely raging. Very upset :(

OP posts:
fleurpots · 16/02/2022 10:36

I would be worried if my OH said he would call and then didn't, and was then uncontactable for an extended period of time. I would be concerned something had happened to him - I'm shocked some people think you are overreacting.

The way he spoke to you (which is a semi regular occurrence by the looks of things) is a separate issue really, and isn't right.

DropYourSword · 16/02/2022 10:39

@Arabellla

He needs to apologise for the way he spoke to you.

Is there any chance he could be having an affair?

For crying out loud!

The guy is probably just irritated at someone making a shitty passive aggressive comment at him and retaliating.

No-one was on their best behaviour in this scenario. But yeah, let's go straight to suspecting him of having an affair!!

TravellingFrom · 16/02/2022 10:39

I’d be likely to lose my temper if my DP had a go at me for not calling when I said I would.

Are you always that rude?
I mean you would think it’s ok to not ring a friend colleague when you said you would
It’s ok to not turn up when you’ve agreed to meet up and not let them know.
Etc…

I doubt you would appreciate anyone treating you like this. So why do you think it’s ok for the DH (or you!) to do that to anyone?

DuckingAunts · 16/02/2022 10:39

Fucking hell, all the cool wives on this thread who would be fine with their DH's not bothering to call them when they specifically said they would. And who would feel fully deserving of whatever verbal abuse their DH's dished out if they were 'overbearing' enough to ask them why.

SunshineCake1 · 16/02/2022 10:40

Explain how hard and isolating it can be to be home alone with kids.

Tell him no issue with going out but 100% issue with the way he spoke to you. Out of order and embarrassing he felt the need to impress and show off colleagues.

Fulsome apology needed.

TravellingFrom · 16/02/2022 10:41

Everyone should just get over it and move on.

But you would loose your temper if your DP had told you you were supposed to ring? Which one is it @Derbee?

XiCi · 16/02/2022 10:45

@BuddhaForMary

Once again for those at the back.

It's not about him forgetting to call. When you focus on that you reduce the issue. It's his basic lack of consideration for the bare minimum of a text 'sorry phone dying' so OP wouldn't be waiting for the call HE said he'd make.

Then the deflection by him, getting angry, and OP knows he'll accuse her of being annoyed that he went out - which she clearly said she wasn't bothered about. So he evidently has form of turning things around on her.

Not to mention he shouted at her in front of work mates. Whilst that makes him look like a douche, it's also embarrassing for OP.

Exactly this. Not really difficult to understand is it.

YA definitely NBU OP. He knew he was in the wrong, felt guilty and you got the brunt of it. Shameful he spoke to you like that in front of his work colleagues. I can only imagine what he says when he loses his temper at home. My friends ex had a temper like this, regularly blowing up on her at home. She got rid of him but her youngest son is showing signs of the same behaviour. They see it, think its normal. If this is happening at home it will be affecting you children. What exactly did he do when he said he'd address it? Just be on his best behaviour for a couple of weeks until he couldn't hold it in any longer? He needs to seek out professional help for anger management

Tilltheend99 · 16/02/2022 10:48

I disagree with most other posters. If you have a very young DC I think it would be normal adult behaviour of a partner of either sex to ring and say they are still alive and check on things with the kids.

I would only find u overbearing if you were young and child free etc

I noticed most people saying UABU work away themselves and seem to see it as free time away from family and partner responsibilities rather than as work.

People are weird!

Alcemeg · 16/02/2022 10:49

@gemini35

so IWBU to tell him not to bother coming home at all I guess HmmGrin
I think if you value your marriage, you shouldn't play childish games like this, sorry OP!
Gowithme · 16/02/2022 10:50

I'd be pissed off too OP. He has a family now and I would expect the days of going out, getting shit faced and being uncontactable to be over. If he says he'll phone then I want someone who is responsible enough to do that or at least to apologise if they haven't been able to. I also wouldn't want to be shouted and sworn at or talked down to to impress his work mates. That is a horribly immature way to behave - but everything here is pointing to a lot of immaturity.

When he gets back talk to him and tell him how it all made you feel. Especially when he was being a dick talking to you badly to impress his mates. Don't ignore him or do any other childish passive aggressive shit that some people suggest. Communicate like adults - it's the only way to resolve anything. If he's not able to do that then i don't really know where you go from there.

BuddhaForMary · 16/02/2022 10:50

@DuckingAunts

Fucking hell, all the cool wives on this thread who would be fine with their DH's not bothering to call them when they specifically said they would. And who would feel fully deserving of whatever verbal abuse their DH's dished out if they were 'overbearing' enough to ask them why.
Right?? Baffling.
Pinkyantelope · 16/02/2022 10:50

@Lighthouseblue

He got caught up in the moment, having fun in the evening and didn't contact you - no biggy in my book. No, he shouldn't have shouted and sworn at you but it sounds like half a dozen of one and six of the other to me. You didn't NEED him to be contactable whilst he was away, you wanted the control. He now thinks he's got it by shouting, swearing and being a big kid. You both need to look at the way you treat one another.
This.
SamphiretheStickerist · 16/02/2022 10:55

You didn't NEED him to be contactable whilst he was away, you wanted the control.

Utter bollocks. For obvious reasons.

Pinkyantelope · 16/02/2022 10:56

*For crying out loud!

The guy is probably just irritated at someone making a shitty passive aggressive comment at him and retaliating.

No-one was on their best behaviour in this scenario. But yeah, let's go straight to suspecting him of having an affair!!*

This too.

Especially as he hardly ever goes away with work.

If you'd been away with your mates and forgot to call because you were having fun, I'd think your DH was unreasonable if he made a passive agg dig. It's deffo not about being a cool wife but about giving each other a bit of space and not being pass agg.

It's reasonable to say to him that the shouting and swearing were not acceptable, though, but you should also acknowledge your part in it.

Chewbecca · 16/02/2022 10:57

Sounds like 6 of one, half a dozen to me, I would just apologise and expect him to as well.

BuddhaForMary · 16/02/2022 10:58

@Chewbecca

Sounds like 6 of one, half a dozen to me, I would just apologise and expect him to as well.
Apologise for what?
AryaStarkWolf · 16/02/2022 10:59

@gemini35

I was really only mildly miffed - made a joke of it 'oh you're alive then' - would have moved on very swiftly if he had just laughed it off and said sorry! But he got instantly defensive almost like he was looking for an argument.
Tbf you said you were pretty miffed in the OP, that's a lot more than mildly....

Anyway you both were wrong imo, he forgot to call you big deal? However he shouldn't have spoken to you like he did either

BoredZelda · 16/02/2022 10:59

That’s a strange world you are living in.
I’m wondering what is a priority in your world?

I'm an adult who is perfectly capable of looking after myself and my child.

My priority whilst home is looking after my child.

My priority at work is working, knowing whomever is looking after my child is a trusted adult and doesn't need to be checked up on.

Happierthanever91 · 16/02/2022 10:59

You're definitely not BU or 'overbearing' as some previous posters have nicely said. He said he would call and didn't, I'd be pretty pissed off too. It's not like you're kids with no responsibilities. You have kids and responsibilities so it's pretty reasonable to be annoyed when the other party can't do something simple like calling. If he was going out, it takes 30 seconds to send a message to tell you that to stop you from worrying

Iamnotamermaid · 16/02/2022 11:04

Ok when I am out I rarely call home. It is really hard to have any sort of conversation with a very sober person when you are pissed & usually no good will come of it either. He isn't a teenager & neither are you so a) not sure why he would agree to call before bed after a night out and b) why you would expect a call. By all means be contactable in an emergency but too pissed to call after too many beers does not really count. I think you both overreacted a bit, leave it and move on.

fromdownwest · 16/02/2022 11:05

Man goes out, gets carried away and loses track of time, phone battery dies.
Calls OH when he wakes up, feeling rough, so responds in a way he shouldn't have.

You both need to park the emotions, and move on with life.

SamphiretheStickerist · 16/02/2022 11:06

not sure why he would agree to call before bed after a night out

He is away working, not for a night out.

WelliesWithHeels · 16/02/2022 11:07

@billy1966

His not contacting you is one thing.

His repeatedly thinking he can speak to you like shit, is a habit that he has no intention of changing.

Only real scum shout on swear at their wife for no reason in front of his work colleagues.

Decent people would be appalled.

He is rough, abusive and uncouth, but you know that.

Think long and hard about the life and future you want with a waster like this.

Stop having children with him for a start.

His complete disrespect for you and himself is clearly apparent.

He behaves this way towards you because he thinks he can.

Start protecting yourself and your children.
Start telling family and friends the truth.

Shit, shouty husband.
Shit, shout father.

You deserve better OP.Flowers

As always, Billy nails it.
newbiename · 16/02/2022 11:24

@Chewbecca

Sounds like 6 of one, half a dozen to me, I would just apologise and expect him to as well.
OP should apologise for what ?
TravellingFrom · 16/02/2022 11:25

@fromdownwest

Man goes out, gets carried away and loses track of time, phone battery dies. Calls OH when he wakes up, feeling rough, so responds in a way he shouldn't have.

You both need to park the emotions, and move on with life.

Where is the ‘Oh I’m going out and won’t be able to ring @gemini35 so I’ll text her to let her know’ BEFORE he goes out?

The OP never said he should ring at a specific time and isn’t allowed to contact her at another time or using another way such as text.

I dont think that asking him to think about the commitment HE agreed to is too much to ask tbh.

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