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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Fuming with DH

166 replies

gemini35 · 16/02/2022 08:23

Husband is away with work (never happens, very rare occurrence). Said he would call before bed last night and didn't - I tried him at 10pm, phone was off and he has only just called me at 8am this morning.

Very hungover, said he went out with work lads and phone was out of battery. No sorry and I was pretty miffed and told him so. He then got angry, swore at me, started being sarcastic and eventually hung up after a heated row.

Now he will turn it round to make it sound as if I'm annoyed he went out. I'm not. I'm annoyed he said he would call and didn't and that he was uncontactable when I'm home with our young DC.

But mostly now I'm just annoyed at the way he spoke to me (I think he was in front of his work friends? He doesn't normally talk like that. I could tell it was for other peoples benefit).

I feel like texting to say don't bother coming home at all I'm absolutely raging. Very upset :(

OP posts:
diddl · 16/02/2022 09:03

[quote gemini35]@AnotherSillawithanS slightly pissed off that he was uncontactable (not specifically that he didn't call when he said he would)

Furious that he spoke to me like shit [/quote]
Did you not know where he was so that you could phone there?

toomuchlaundry · 16/02/2022 09:05

Why is the OP being controlling when her DH said he would contact her.

And he is with a load of men so that can excuse his behaviour

rainbowstardrops · 16/02/2022 09:07

@BuddhaForMary

So he didn't call when he said he would. Not even a text to say his phone was dying. Massively hung over today and no apology, offended by a jokey comment and starts shouting and swearing.

But OP should let it drop?!

Yes OP be a good wifey, let it drop, bite your tongue next time to keep the peace, and you're definitely unreasonable for having even the smallest of expectations that your husband will be considerate when he's away. In fact you should probably encourage him to not contact you, go out get pissed so he's hungover when he's supposed to be working 👍🏻

Absolutely this ^

It baffles me on MN sometimes that people think shitty behaviour should be tolerated.

Genegenieee · 16/02/2022 09:08

[quote gemini35]@Genegenieee yes it has happened before. He has a quick temper and is a shouty swearer when he is angry. It's something he's promised he will work on as I am the complete opposite and I don't want our kids seeing that sort of behaviour. [/quote]
Flagging this response of OPs to everyone telling her she's making a fuss.

He regularly speaks badly to her.

OP, not ok - what do you want to happen? Ignore the non-phone call and focus on his behaviour this morning. What would your ideal outcome be here?

katmarie · 16/02/2022 09:09

I go away for work approx 6 times a year, leaving dh at home with out kids. I might have a few drinks with colleagues in the evening, but I would always have my phone on me in case dh called. I would never be uncontactable.

ohhooh · 16/02/2022 09:09

Honestly I do think you're being a bit OTT (but I'm coming from the view of someone who's DH travels a lot for work so am more used to it!).

It's easy with work friends, especially when it's a rare occurrence, to get carried away and lose track of time which it sounds like he did, or let your phone die. He's then called you at 8am hungover (so I'm assuming it was one of his first realisations when waking up - oh bugger I didn't call the wife!).

Personally I wouldn't have then gone in telling him you're miffed. I would have waited until he was home and not hungover to have that chat rather over the phone as I would find it better to do in person. Obviously YWBU to lock him out 😂 YWNBU to hold this over his head until he apologised (for the swearing etc).

hardboiledeggs · 16/02/2022 09:10

YANBU.

Player001 · 16/02/2022 09:10

@CleanUpTime

When I (used to) go away with work before covid stopped my lovely 4x a year jollies to our other office by the south coast... dh wouldnt hear from me at all. That was an opportunity to bond with colleagues and do the task at hand.

Saying he would call then didnt isnt terrible especially if everything else is normally great. The whole thing could have been avoided if he had called I get that but I wouldnt be caught up on this. Maybe selfishly because its what I like but when I am away with work I want to be away from my home responsibility and focus on work

I agree completely.

My DH is very co dependent on me emotionally and i'm dreading things 'returning to normal' because the guilt trips are unbearable.

dworky · 16/02/2022 09:10

@TTstormtrooper

Turn your phone off or ignore him until he comes back.
Then he can go & get pissed some more like a single man while she is looking after his children. He has shown you who he is OP, you need to pay attention.
GeneLovesJezebel · 16/02/2022 09:12

As someone whose DH worked away a lot I’d say don’t ask or expect for any contact while they are away. It saves a lot of disappointment and upset.

Sunshineandflipflops · 16/02/2022 09:13

This used to be a bug bear of mine. When my exh went out, he would often go incommunicado and/or stay out until all hours without letting me know he was ok. I don't think that's acceptable when you have young kids at home. As a mum, I have always been contactable when out and even now, when my ex has the (now teenaged) kids, I am always available to contact and step in if needs be but he clocks off completely when he doesn't have them. Just last night our youngest had to go to a and e quite late and they were with him so I was ready to go and pick up the eldest if I was needed as it was getting late. If it had been the other way round, I can guarantee he'd be "busy" or unavailable to help.

I think it's often the difference between being a mum and a dad to be honest.

Justilou1 · 16/02/2022 09:15

When he gets in, walk out with your ore-packed bags. Ensure your phone is off and you have something nice planned. If you have kids, let him sort their dinner, homework, extra-curriculars, etc and wonder if you’re alive and if you’re coming home. What’s good for the gander is good for the goose.

gigantaraffe · 16/02/2022 09:15

Yanbu op. My dh works away sometimes (used to be away 3-4 days a week but not since the pandemic). He always stays in contact. Loved FaceTiming me and dd and checking in. Always said goodnight (without expectation that he do so!). It doesn't have to be like this but it sounds like he has anger issues anyway.

girlmom21 · 16/02/2022 09:16

@Sunshineandflipflops

This used to be a bug bear of mine. When my exh went out, he would often go incommunicado and/or stay out until all hours without letting me know he was ok. I don't think that's acceptable when you have young kids at home. As a mum, I have always been contactable when out and even now, when my ex has the (now teenaged) kids, I am always available to contact and step in if needs be but he clocks off completely when he doesn't have them. Just last night our youngest had to go to a and e quite late and they were with him so I was ready to go and pick up the eldest if I was needed as it was getting late. If it had been the other way round, I can guarantee he'd be "busy" or unavailable to help.

I think it's often the difference between being a mum and a dad to be honest.

No I think this is quite extreme.

If DP is out, he's out. He can text if he wants and I'll reply but he doesn't need to. I would only expect a text if he's said he'd be back at a certain time and now he won't be, or if he's not coming home, or if he needs picking up because something has gone wrong.
He doesn't need to check in on us or be available. I'm a perfectly competent parent.

Equally, I went on my first night out since we've had our kids the other day. If hed have contacted me, other than in an absolute emergency, I'd have been annoyed.

You're allowed time away from being 'mom'.

Verbena17 · 16/02/2022 09:18

I guess it depends what you’re usually like as a couple with keeping in contact and how much you’re able to let go.
For example, when DH was in the military on op tour, we wouldn’t hear from him for weeks at a time and only then it might be 20 seconds. Therefore now he’s not in the military, if he went away overnight it wouldn’t bother me in the slightest if he didn’t call ( although he would usually to say goodnight to the kids).

If you’re someone who is used to being called though, I guess I can see why you’d be pissed off. Calling to say goodnight isn’t actually hard when you’re stopping over in a premier inn with your mobile fully charged.
I’d just let it go now though. He knows you’re annoyed with him and just reacted badly because he probably felt bad for not calling...even though he turned it round on you.

thisplaceisweird · 16/02/2022 09:19

Complete overreaction. I wouldn't be 'fuming' but a bit miffed sure.

Just be a grown up, take a deep breath and move on.

StickerPlace · 16/02/2022 09:20

I'd text to clear my head/the air and then leave it.

Something like:

"It's fine you went out last night and I hope you had a good time. I didn't mean to make you think I didn't want you having fun. It's not that big of a deal that you didn't call, I just wanted to check you were ok.

But it is not ok how you just spoke to me, it was rude and very hurtful. I hope others didn't hear you talking to me like that because it's humiliating for the both of us."

thisplaceisweird · 16/02/2022 09:20

Yes OP be a good wifey, let it drop, bite your tongue next time to keep the peace

It's not about this - from my perspective, it's about not allowing him to ruin my day. I wouldn't pander to him when he got home, but I certainly wouldn't hold a grudge. He knows he's not behaved well. Just move on and stop poisoning your relationship with resentment and anger.

SleepyRoo · 16/02/2022 09:20

YANBU. Sounds like this is out of character for him.

BoredZelda · 16/02/2022 09:21

My husband can be uncontactable for entire days when he is in the office, mobile signal is patchy. When either of us work away there is no expectation for a call at xx time. The only thing we always do is a text saying arrived safe. It is assumed the parent at home can deal with being the parent at home. Even if something catastrophic happened at 10pm, what could either of us do from hundreds of miles away? Being always contactable is such a modern phenomenon. Perhaps it's an age thing but most of my adult life, we weren't on call every minute of the day.

I wouldn't ever expect to be sworn at by my husband, but neither would I expect him to monitor my movements or expect me to check in with him if I decided to have impromptu dinner or drinks with colleagues.

JustMsInvisible · 16/02/2022 09:23

Your child is safe and with you perhaps he thought (or didn’t think) that anything bad could happen

pinkprettyroses · 16/02/2022 09:23

YANBU OP. if your phone is on low battery it takes 2 seconds to say 'sorry having a few drinks and my phone battery is low, will speak tomorrow'.

He said he'd call and you were sat there waiting. That's not ok. Also not ok to speak to you like shit this morning! Basic respect.

TheBestofTimesTheWorstofTimes · 16/02/2022 09:23

What @BuddhaForMary says - 100%

YANBU - sounds like he was showing off in front of his friends. V childish and disrespectful imho. But then I'm not a "cool wife" who thinks it is ok to get wasted rather than check in on my family

BoredZelda · 16/02/2022 09:25

Yes OP be a good wifey, let it drop, bite your tongue next time to keep the peace

I haven't seen anyone suggest this. What I have seen is people suggesting what he did wasn't really worth getting worked up about.

I'd also say that deciding to have it out with him on the phone, especially if he was hungover, presumably at the beginning of a work day is a really bad idea and would never end well. Waiting until she talk to him face to face about how fumming she was is always going to be a better idea.

PostThenGhost · 16/02/2022 09:25

[quote gemini35]@ZenNudist I know it doesn't matter. As explained I was mildly miffed and would have gotten over it instantly.

Am I overreacting to be furious at how he has spoken to me? [/quote]
Mildly miffed but I was pretty miffed and told him so
What form did you telling him so take? Because if you chastised him I can totally understand him being pissed off & an argument ensuing. Him forgetting to call/his battery being dead really isn’t a big deal imho.
The whole drama needn’t have happened.