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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Is it me? Am I unreasonable with DH ?

473 replies

ihavenamexhanedtoday · 15/02/2022 22:23

8 months pregnant and have a toddler at nursery.

Toddler has been sick for ages now. The last 4 nights or so, I've been up with toddler until the early hours, so getting only a few hours of sleep. Maybe 3 hours or so.

Then looking after toddler during the day. I have had a very difficult pregnancy with hyperemisis and feel sick a lot still. I also have other serious health issues, which mean I struggle physically at the best of times, but it's very hard when I am pregnant.

I'm just absolutely exhausted. DH works hard, shift type work. But seems to expect dinner when he gets home. I usually have something for him, nothing fancy. But he does complain often, like ' oh a steak ? I had steak for lunch today '... sometimes I don't have dinner for him and just get a takeaway for him.

This evening he had to wait 30 minutes for dinner to be ready and was moody about it. He also wasn't happy with what was served and it wasn't enough as well apparently.

Isn't that fucking ridiculous behaviour ? I told him that he cannot expect an a la carte menu right now and I'm doing my best. I forgot to mention I also have a full time job still from home. I also get toddler up and ready for nursery every day ( when toddler is well ) and do drop off and pick ups and sort dinner for toddler and bed time etc. As DH is at work. When toddler is unwell, I stay home.

Sorry but can he not understand that sometimes I don't have dinner ready ? I really try hard to have something available most evenings, but he always only remembers the times I don't have anything or when it's late or the same thing again etc. Isn't that just ridiculous ? Or is it understandable, as he works late etc ? He doesn't seem to appreciate that I'm trying hard. He says it's always an issue that dinner isn't available. But it's not even true.

YABU- he's out late working, so should have dinner ready

YANBU- he should cook for himself ( he does do that sometimes, but it's a massive deal and he begrudgingly does it. Like he thinks he shouldn't have to do that after a hard day at work ) he also makes a massive mess, so it's actually more work for me, because he never cleaned up properly.

OP posts:

Kdubs1981 · 18/02/2022 09:51

[quote ihavenamexhanedtoday]@LoisLane66 is my mother in law I reckon [/quote]
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

BobHadBitchTits · 18/02/2022 09:54

@LoisLane66

I'm not going to jump on you like everyone else, but I'm just interested in what you think the husband in this scenario should do if he were single?

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 18/02/2022 10:08

Your husband needs to learn how to cook.

It's not that difficult! Just buy him a simple recipe book and leave it in the kitchen.

Weonlyhavealoanofit · 18/02/2022 10:28

Do you notice how often (and we all do it with a certain type of partner) the phrase ‘he’s not happy with’ or ‘he won’t’, dominates the conversation. Are you happy? Are there things you are failing to do just because you ‘won’t’? No I thought not. Your DH is being selfish. Sharing mealtimes isn’t about being ‘happy’. If he thinks it is, he needs to retrain as a chef and discover the joys of cooking for an audience. Running a home, looking after children, working full time and carrying a difficult pregnancy means YOU are overburdened even IF you had one of those rare partners who actually pulls his weight. He’s selfish and he’s sabotaging your peace of mind with his silly juvenile demands. Don’t make any more excuses for him. He needs to learn more grace and better manners. I hope everything goes well with the baby and that your DH grows up.

Popable · 18/02/2022 10:31

Why the hell are you even cooking for him in this situation?

My husband has his faults but when I was exhausted and pregnant (and furloughed so not even working) and sick he'd come home from work and cook for me! And I was really fussy at that stage too so he'd often have to stop at the shop and get what I fancied that day on the way home from work.

If you're partner can't do a bit extra to help you when you're pregnant then they are a twat in all honesty.

Popable · 18/02/2022 10:33

And there were times of my pregnancy where I would have thrown up having to cook proper food due to the smell 🤢

Popable · 18/02/2022 10:35

You can't feed a man toddler food. What makes you think that right?

My husband lives of crisps sandwiches and other crappy stuff when I'm not around 😂

Owww does the big man need a steak when he gets home every night? Shut up!

Madamum18 · 18/02/2022 10:41

LoisLane66 What planet are you on? Telling the OP how to organise her life better in order to meet the "needs" of this bloke/husband only in name!!! Unbelievable!

Ohsugarhoneyicetea · 18/02/2022 10:49

I cant see your relationship with man lasting tbh, basically you sound like a normal hardworking person living in the 21st century and he sounds like a sexist pig dinosaur who somehow time travelled in from the 1950s (except he doesn't pay for everything, so win win for him). Get through the rest of your pregnancy as best you can. Id ignore his whining and criticism. Just grey rock the prick until you feel strong enough to get away. And tell him you're not cooking for him anymore, he doesn't appreciate it, so he can sort his meals from now on.

BatshitCrazyWoman · 18/02/2022 11:21

@puffyisgood

I can understand him getting home hungry and not wanting to wait long to eat but in the circumstances he should obviously be sorting something for himself even if it's only a sandwich. I doubt he'd mind that if you suggested it.

Ahh diddums 🙄 I'm out 12 hours or more a day, and come home and cook my dinner (I live on my own). Lots of people have to.

OP he is awful - a good father should be taking care of the mother of his children.

I hope you find the strength to leave.

Cas112 · 18/02/2022 11:24

I would literally put a pot noodle in front of the kettle for him every night now from now on

AmaryllisNightAndDay · 18/02/2022 11:27

if he were single?

Get married quick of course! Or live with his mother, or hire a housekeeper, or trail his pitiful situation to the neighbourhood women so they bring casseroles to him while the single ones hope that if only they do it well enough for long enough he will marry them in the end.

He also says 'where is your mum !! ? Why is your mum not here !!you need her. I can't give you the kind of support she can, I'm just a bloke'

And do you buy into that? Of course no-one can give you support like Mum can, but from where I am sitting he wont give you any kind of support at all because he's an arsehole. Sorry!

TooTiredToSleepRightNow · 18/02/2022 12:52

Just to reiterate OP, he’s not selfish, he’s not an idiot or a caveman/dinosaur he’s straight up abusive. This is domestic abuse. I hope you leave him and not look back. You deserve better 💐

keffie12 · 18/02/2022 13:15

@ihavenamexhanedtoday

8 months pregnant and have a toddler at nursery.

Toddler has been sick for ages now. The last 4 nights or so, I've been up with toddler until the early hours, so getting only a few hours of sleep. Maybe 3 hours or so.

This evening he had to wait 30 minutes for dinner to be ready and was moody about it. He also wasn't happy with what was served and it wasn't enough as well apparently.

YABU- he's out late working, so should have dinner ready

I've read all your responses and alot of your posts. You do realise he is gasligting you and your in domestic abuse

He doesn't have to hit you for it to ne abuse. Take a read of this link.

Ask yourself this!

1/ Would you want your daughter to grow up and repeat what your doing relationship wise?

2/ How would you feel if your son grew up to behave like his dad towards women?

If you wouldn't be happy, as your ex doesn't change, then leave before it is too late for them. What they see they will repeat unless the cycle is broken

keffie12 · 18/02/2022 13:17

Link for above post

www.womensaid.org.uk/information-support/what-is-domestic-abuse/

Madamum18 · 18/02/2022 13:52

Good advice Keffie12

And the question about your daughter/son ...very good to think about OP, and then apply to yourself

HollaHolla · 18/02/2022 14:01

What an absolute dick. So, I work 12 hour days, but live alone. No-one cooks for me. I survive.... maybe he should try it. If what you cook is so awful, then let him fend for himself.

This is really just one indication of what a grade A asshole he is. I don't say this often, but could you leave him? Would you manage financially? I don't think you'd be any worse off being a single parent, gvien his complete lack of support.

MrJollyLivesNextDoor · 18/02/2022 14:48

So your mum will be with you soon

And she will be treating him like a prince, dinner on the table, best cutlery etc.

This does you no favours

Neither does you enabling his behaviour by going along with it

AcrossthePond55 · 18/02/2022 15:49

@ihavenamexhanedtoday

Just be sure your mum understands that she is there to care for YOU, not to cook him dinner and cater to his whims. She needs to demand that he pitch in to help her. It's probably why he's wondering why she isn't here. Not because he thinks she's neglecting you, but be cause he thinks she's neglecting HIM. Asshole.

And as far as his 'just a bloke' comment, that shows you exactly what that fuckhead is made of!! He believes that supporting a wife is not something a man should ever have to do. This is exactly the kind of man who bails if his wife gets diagnosed with cancer or becomes too disabled to carry her share of the load. What a useless prick.

My DH has provided me with full physical care and 'took over' the running of the house when I shattered my ankle and was no weight bearing for 3 months. He again ran the house when my dad was dying and my mother needed me 24/7. Never once did he complain or say he 'couldn't do it because he was a man'.

You really, really need to get out of this relationship. Because he will 'excuse himself' from any responsibility in every crisis you face.

SazCat · 18/02/2022 15:51

@LoisLane66 did you miss the fact that the OP also works??

Nanny0gg · 18/02/2022 16:33

@MrJollyLivesNextDoor

So your mum will be with you soon

And she will be treating him like a prince, dinner on the table, best cutlery etc.

This does you no favours

Neither does you enabling his behaviour by going along with it

^^This.

Don't let her mother him

Avarua · 18/02/2022 16:33

You don't have energy for a trip so you probably don't have energy for a break up right now.
Call your local church. They will really around and help you. Or your midwife may be able to direct you to a charity that helps new mums with food and care. I hope there's something like that around where you live. Reach out to your community.

SartresSoul · 18/02/2022 16:35

How very 1950s… Even if you didn’t work FT (which you do) he has no right to demand his tea be ready when he returns home and he definitely has no right to complain about what you’ve made. He sounds like an absolute arsewipe.

zoemum2006 · 18/02/2022 16:45

Because of circumstances I do cook every night for DH but if FOR ONE SECOND he expected it or complained about it I would make it a mission to never provide a scrap of food for him to eat ever again.

UsernameAB12 · 18/02/2022 17:28

Isn't he a Prince amongst men. He is a lazy shelfish git and you can do alot better OP.

He wants some gourmet stuff then he can cook it the lazy git

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