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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is it me? Am I unreasonable with DH ?

473 replies

ihavenamexhanedtoday · 15/02/2022 22:23

8 months pregnant and have a toddler at nursery.

Toddler has been sick for ages now. The last 4 nights or so, I've been up with toddler until the early hours, so getting only a few hours of sleep. Maybe 3 hours or so.

Then looking after toddler during the day. I have had a very difficult pregnancy with hyperemisis and feel sick a lot still. I also have other serious health issues, which mean I struggle physically at the best of times, but it's very hard when I am pregnant.

I'm just absolutely exhausted. DH works hard, shift type work. But seems to expect dinner when he gets home. I usually have something for him, nothing fancy. But he does complain often, like ' oh a steak ? I had steak for lunch today '... sometimes I don't have dinner for him and just get a takeaway for him.

This evening he had to wait 30 minutes for dinner to be ready and was moody about it. He also wasn't happy with what was served and it wasn't enough as well apparently.

Isn't that fucking ridiculous behaviour ? I told him that he cannot expect an a la carte menu right now and I'm doing my best. I forgot to mention I also have a full time job still from home. I also get toddler up and ready for nursery every day ( when toddler is well ) and do drop off and pick ups and sort dinner for toddler and bed time etc. As DH is at work. When toddler is unwell, I stay home.

Sorry but can he not understand that sometimes I don't have dinner ready ? I really try hard to have something available most evenings, but he always only remembers the times I don't have anything or when it's late or the same thing again etc. Isn't that just ridiculous ? Or is it understandable, as he works late etc ? He doesn't seem to appreciate that I'm trying hard. He says it's always an issue that dinner isn't available. But it's not even true.

YABU- he's out late working, so should have dinner ready

YANBU- he should cook for himself ( he does do that sometimes, but it's a massive deal and he begrudgingly does it. Like he thinks he shouldn't have to do that after a hard day at work ) he also makes a massive mess, so it's actually more work for me, because he never cleaned up properly.

OP posts:
ThistleTits · 17/02/2022 19:55

@DowntonCrabby

Option 3. He can get to actual fuck, the lazy misogynist prick.
This ^ cook for you and the child. Let him fend for himself. Same goes for his washing or anything else you do for him.
Hertsgirl10 · 17/02/2022 20:05

@LoisLane66

You can't feed a man toddler food. What makes you think that right? If he works 12 hour shifts and is late home, it's not unreasonable for him to want dinner and not for him to start cooking at 8pm or later. You are eating with toddler and you've said you have little interest in food or cooking. How do you think you'll manage with a newborn plus the toddler. If you were tired easily before you were pregnant (as you said) then what made you think having another child would be a great idea? It will just give you another stick to beat him with and more to moan about. You have a dishwasher, a cleaner, a husband who is not in under your feet all day on 6 days a week and a toddler who goes to nursery. You can get everything you need online. Food, wine, household stuff...everything and delivered right to your door, so there is no need to do shopping as you say you don't like it or you're too tired. I honestly think you need to buck your ideas up and have your shower after dropping toddler at nursery. Have another in the evening so you don't need one when you wake up. Have child in bed by 6.30 and finish off the meal in the oven and share it with DH when he comes home. You'll feel better if you make changes to give yourself time to eat with him. As it is, your marriage has flatlined and needs an injection of some positive thinking.
@LoisLane66

Fucking hell ..!!!

Are you the Hubby?

EmbarrassingHadrosaurus · 17/02/2022 20:05

Quoting this from earlier in the thread for anyone who missed it.

If your health, sanity, sleep, work, or self-esteem are suffering because you are the one doing everything, whilst they leverage your exhaustion into their free time, they're abusing you.
Like other forms of abuse, it will not get better on its own. It's not an accident.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/4482753-is-it-me-am-i-unreasonable-with-dh?msgid=115147369

A functional adult who cares that much about his dinner is more than capable of making advance preparations for himself and clearing up after himself. It would be good for their relationship if he might also consider doing this for his exhausted, pregnant DW.

Bullandbush · 17/02/2022 20:13

@LoisLane66 thinks she’s really married to Superman!

Original poster
ihavenamexhanedtoday · 17/02/2022 20:14

@LoisLane66 is my mother in law I reckon

OP posts:
Jonny1265 · 17/02/2022 20:20

@BingBangB0ng

Btw *@LoisLane66* is talking nonsense about tiredness, I’ve got way more energy to get things done with the baby and toddler than I did while pregnant. She’s also talking nonsense about everything else. Absolute dinosaur.
I quite agree
TeethingBabyHelp · 17/02/2022 20:21

Jesus. I could sort of understand his expecting dinner on the table if you were at
Home all day with no kids to look after. But even then, wouldn't expect him to be a dick about it if there was an odd day where it didn't happen.

In your circumstances, I'd never cook him a meal again. A partner shouldn't make your life harder, what does he actually contribute or do the make your life nicer or easier??

Kennykenkencat · 17/02/2022 20:22

@LoisLane66

You can't feed a man toddler food. What makes you think that right? If he works 12 hour shifts and is late home, it's not unreasonable for him to want dinner and not for him to start cooking at 8pm or later. You are eating with toddler and you've said you have little interest in food or cooking. How do you think you'll manage with a newborn plus the toddler. If you were tired easily before you were pregnant (as you said) then what made you think having another child would be a great idea? It will just give you another stick to beat him with and more to moan about. You have a dishwasher, a cleaner, a husband who is not in under your feet all day on 6 days a week and a toddler who goes to nursery. You can get everything you need online. Food, wine, household stuff...everything and delivered right to your door, so there is no need to do shopping as you say you don't like it or you're too tired. I honestly think you need to buck your ideas up and have your shower after dropping toddler at nursery. Have another in the evening so you don't need one when you wake up. Have child in bed by 6.30 and finish off the meal in the oven and share it with DH when he comes home. You'll feel better if you make changes to give yourself time to eat with him. As it is, your marriage has flatlined and needs an injection of some positive thinking.
Have you ever had 24 hours per day morning sickness for months on end.

If someone had told me to buck my ideas up when I was pregnant I would have thrown up on them.
Lost 3 stone in the first 7 months of pregnancy with Dd.

Too busy hugging the toilet bowl to have the inclination to do anything other than throwing up.

Is that your cure for HG. Buck yourself up and here’s a recipe to make your poor Dh who is going to work and needs to be pampered when he gets home. (Despite your doing more hours, running around after a toddler whilst pregnant and working a f/t job)

Everything I ate just came back up 20 minutes later.

RhiWrites · 17/02/2022 20:25

It's funny because this definitely has a pattern. He's being so nice now and the house is spotless. I didn't even have to have a big fight. I've run out of steam to have fights and try to discuss this with him.

He’s a Just Enough Guy. I know this type. They are shit, they contribute nothing. And when their female partner is at breaking point and about to sack them off, he does juuuuuust enough to make her think he’s changed.

SexyLittleNosferatu · 17/02/2022 20:32

We really are going backwards aren't we. I can't believe the SHIT women will put up with from scuzzy little men, just so they can say they've got a man. Oh sorry, a man child, giggle giggle.

I say this a lot and I'm sure nobody ever listens but OP, you get one life. This is it. You're wasting it being a slave to a lazy, good for nothing misogynist. Is that honestly what you want? When you're 75 will you look back at your life and think, that was a life well spent? It's just so very sad. Such a waste Sad

Devora13 · 17/02/2022 20:39

If he has a meal at lunchtime, why would he even need you to make him a meal in the evening?

Phormiumjester · 17/02/2022 20:40

@LoisLane66

You can't feed a man toddler food. What makes you think that right? If he works 12 hour shifts and is late home, it's not unreasonable for him to want dinner and not for him to start cooking at 8pm or later. You are eating with toddler and you've said you have little interest in food or cooking. How do you think you'll manage with a newborn plus the toddler. If you were tired easily before you were pregnant (as you said) then what made you think having another child would be a great idea? It will just give you another stick to beat him with and more to moan about. You have a dishwasher, a cleaner, a husband who is not in under your feet all day on 6 days a week and a toddler who goes to nursery. You can get everything you need online. Food, wine, household stuff...everything and delivered right to your door, so there is no need to do shopping as you say you don't like it or you're too tired. I honestly think you need to buck your ideas up and have your shower after dropping toddler at nursery. Have another in the evening so you don't need one when you wake up. Have child in bed by 6.30 and finish off the meal in the oven and share it with DH when he comes home. You'll feel better if you make changes to give yourself time to eat with him. As it is, your marriage has flatlined and needs an injection of some positive thinking.
This has to be a parody...
Angrywife · 17/02/2022 20:52

Why are you still with this manchild?? I'm quite sure he's not suddenly woke up like this one morning recently, there must have been red flags when you were pregnant the first time and after baby was born.
Why get pregnant a second time with this prat?
I'd be kicking him out.
What are you going to do?

Tessabelle74 · 17/02/2022 20:58

If he's eating a meal at work for lunch then get be getting a sandwich for his evening meal from me! Tell him to cook for himself when he gets home, you sort yourself and the toddler out, if he moans, send him home to his Mum!

Tessabelle74 · 17/02/2022 21:01

@LoisLane66 you're the husband aren't you?

Anonymous48 · 17/02/2022 21:05

I haven't read the whole thread.

But, my husband works full time and we no longer have any children living at home. I (happily) do the vast majority of the cooking. But there are some days that I just can't be bothered, or I'm busy with a hobby/friends/volunteering, so don't cook an evening meal. And you know what? He is absolutely fine with that. He'll fend for himself or get takeout or we'll go out to eat. When I do cook he won't complain that it's a specific type of dish. He'll eat it and be grateful. And then he'll wash the dishes. That's a normal respectful relationship.

billy1966 · 17/02/2022 21:07

If you insist on staying with him until after the birth, which I sincerely hope you won't....do absolutely nothing for him from now on.

You ARE in an abusive relationship.

There is a reason midwives ask about it when you visit them whilst pregnant.

Abusive pricks LOVE to treat women like shit when they are pregnant.

Why?

They are vulnerable, often less interested in sex and to THEM, often less attractive.

I heard this from an unqualified friend who has a legal background who has volunteered in a refuge local to her.

That was HER opinion after 20 years of meeting and supporting clients.

This is not a good man.

He will NEVER change.

LuisaLove · 17/02/2022 21:10

Why did you slow yourself to get pregnant by this twat not once but twice?! 🤦🏼‍♀️

Why do women tolerate behaviour like this? Honestly, I despair!!

BiscoffAnythingIsTheWayForward · 17/02/2022 21:20

My reaction - WTAF

My husbands reaction - WTAF is he serious?!?

If you stick around and put up with this you are literally telling him his behaviour is ok really and you’re just moaning. You absolutely need to tell him to grow the fuck up or you’re out of there. Can you imagine once you have a toddler and a newborn and he’s still expecting food on the table when he gets in like a f*in baby. Oh my god…and when I got to the bit where you said he had a lie in and you didn’t because you never do. Good lord, I wanted to come and slap the sh1t out of him myself. I really don’t know how you haven’t packed your bags already. Unbelievable. If he wants all that he needs to employ a housekeeper and cook because that’s not you. You’re meant to be a team and you’re just a skivvy. You are worth so much more. Xx

fetchacloth · 17/02/2022 21:25

YANBU!
I hope he isn't expecting his pipe and slippers as well. Angry
He should be helping out around the house more, not expecting you to do it all.
As for dinner, he is big enough and old enough to get his own.Hmm

Boombastic22 · 17/02/2022 21:29

Men can cook you know. This isn’t the 1950s. He sounds like an absolute arsehole and I’d have kicked him out years ago if this was how he treated me. You should be signed off work and he should be doing EVERYTHING at home.

I’m speechless and so angry on your behalf. This is bordering on abusive.

Islandgirl68 · 17/02/2022 21:30

So he works full time and expects dinner on the table. You work full time, are pregnant, you look after your toddler and do pick up and drop off for nursery. Do the bedtime routine etc, have disturbed sleep. What planet is he on. How selfish is he.

IDidntKnowItWasAParty · 17/02/2022 21:40

So what are you going to do about this abusive dickhead OP?

Fudgemonkeys · 17/02/2022 21:45

I am so sorry you're habing such a hard time with your OH. I hope you find the strength to stand up to him and tell him he can sort his own food and stuff out. You are not his scivvy.

Dibbydoos · 17/02/2022 21:52

Seriously, you are definitely not being unreasonable. Is he a kid or an adult.

Stop trying to do everything, you need to be taking it easy now with only a few weeks left. What's going to happen when baby arrives and you have toddler and baby? Your DH needs to grow up.

I was widowed in 2016, massive shock etc. Anyway I have a very different perspective on life due to it. We treat each other so badly sometimes and we wouldn't if

  1. We lived everyday as if it were our last
  2. We lived everyday as if it were our loved ones last.

Slow down, work can def take a back seat ride and your hubby can cook his own food!