Is it me? Am I unreasonable with DH ?

[ihavenamexhanedtoday]

8 months pregnant and have a toddler at nursery.

Toddler has been sick for ages now. The last 4 nights or so, I've been up with toddler until the early hours, so getting only a few hours of sleep. Maybe 3 hours or so.

Then looking after toddler during the day. I have had a very difficult pregnancy with hyperemisis and feel sick a lot still. I also have other serious health issues, which mean I struggle physically at the best of times, but it's very hard when I am pregnant.

I'm just absolutely exhausted. DH works hard, shift type work. But seems to expect dinner when he gets home. I usually have something for him, nothing fancy. But he does complain often, like ' oh a steak ? I had steak for lunch today '... sometimes I don't have dinner for him and just get a takeaway for him.

This evening he had to wait 30 minutes for dinner to be ready and was moody about it. He also wasn't happy with what was served and it wasn't enough as well apparently.

Isn't that fucking ridiculous behaviour ? I told him that he cannot expect an a la carte menu right now and I'm doing my best. I forgot to mention I also have a full time job still from home. I also get toddler up and ready for nursery every day ( when toddler is well ) and do drop off and pick ups and sort dinner for toddler and bed time etc. As DH is at work. When toddler is unwell, I stay home.

Sorry but can he not understand that sometimes I don't have dinner ready ? I really try hard to have something available most evenings, but he always only remembers the times I don't have anything or when it's late or the same thing again etc. Isn't that just ridiculous ? Or is it understandable, as he works late etc ? He doesn't seem to appreciate that I'm trying hard. He says it's always an issue that dinner isn't available. But it's not even true.

YABU- he's out late working, so should have dinner ready

YANBU- he should cook for himself ( he does do that sometimes, but it's a massive deal and he begrudgingly does it. Like he thinks he shouldn't have to do that after a hard day at work ) he also makes a massive mess, so it's actually more work for me, because he never cleaned up properly.

@Mandyjack

If you are cooking for yourself and toddler maybe do a meal he could reheat. If he's not happy with that then he can cook for himself

That's what I do most days. If there is nothing left then I always order him a takeaway. He gets angry if the takeaway is late of if I decide to cook last minute and then he has to wait. He's also sick of the food I make.

What kind of meals DO you cook?
Hearty beef or lamb stews or roast parsnips carrots and potatoes seasoned and put in the bottom of a casserole dish and topped with pork chops or chicken. Add drizzles of olive oil all over and put in the oven. Steam broccoli and ready prepped green beans as a side, which only take 8 minutes to cook. YouTube has millions of easy, hard and more time consuming recipes.
I worked in a large private household where the housekeeper would make these quick prep one pot meals which really filled you up and were healthy. She even made yogurt and blueberry muffins or banana pancakes fresh every day for staff to enjoy at breakfast.
It really takes very little time.

I make dinner for my husband as I'm at home right now. He thanks me every night, doesn't complain and doesn't expect it. If I can't be bothered one night or I want a quick dinner, he makes himself a sandwich when he comes in.

The moment he expected his dinner on the table, is the moment I'd stop.

You are also 8 months pregnant, feeling unwell and dealing with a toddler and a full time job. Your oh is a waste of space and I'd stop doing anything for him

And you are having another child with him because??? Surely you would have seen this coming having a toddler and baby so close together? He hasn't just decided you do the meals in the last week has he?

@LoisLane66

What kind of meals DO you cook? Hearty beef or lamb stews or roast parsnips carrots and potatoes seasoned and put in the bottom of a casserole dish and topped with pork chops or chicken. Add drizzles of olive oil all over and put in the oven. Steam broccoli and ready prepped green beans as a side, which only take 8 minutes to cook. YouTube has millions of easy, hard and more time consuming recipes. I worked in a large private household where the housekeeper would make these quick prep one pot meals which really filled you up and were healthy. She even made yogurt and blueberry muffins or banana pancakes fresh every day for staff to enjoy at breakfast. It really takes very little time.

I make that kind of stuff or oven stuff. So chicken and potatoes or pork and potatoes with vegetables etc. Pasta dishes. Steak with salad. Chicken stews. Sea bass or sea bream with cherry tomatoes and roast potatoes. Salmon with veggies etc.

I have a few on rotation I guess, because I know the ingredients I need and just make similar stuff.

He wants some gourmet stuff.

Well he may WANT gourmet stuff, but right now, he's not going to get it, is he?

Apologies if you have already answered this, but would the household budget run to Gousto or Hello Fresh or similar, which would be less hassle for you,and would give you some breathing space while you finish cooking this baby, and decide what you're going to do?

@PonyPatter44

Well he may WANT gourmet stuff, but right now, he's not going to get it, is he?

Apologies if you have already answered this, but would the household budget run to Gousto or Hello Fresh or similar, which would be less hassle for you,and would give you some breathing space while you finish cooking this baby, and decide what you're going to do?

I tried that and he was disgusted by it

I don't know why people are making suggestions for the OP as to how to cook to please another adult who is capable of advance or batch cooking to meet his own needs and preferences.

He gets angry if the takeaway is late of if I decide to cook last minute and then he has to wait. He's also sick of the food I make.
Honestly op he is a knobhead. He gets angry over food? He sounds abusive. He can cook for himself. If you darent let him because you are scared how he will react, you KNOW you need to divorce him

When people in this house leave a terrible mess, I take photos and send them to them with a message asking when their maid is coming to clear up.

He knows what the problem is, unless he's really really stupid. Is he? If he's not, then he just doesn't want to get it, so he won't. Until you make him.

Take to your bed. Don’t do anything.
Can’t believe you haven’t thought of this yourself,
It’s your choice to stay but it’s not looking great for the future.
It will not improve and you need to be strong. He’s not husband material and definitely not father material. A poor example for your child/children. Good luck!

Why are you doing this? Just leave him to feed himself WTF this isn’t the 1930’s

You can't feed a man toddler food. What makes you think that right?
If he works 12 hour shifts and is late home, it's not unreasonable for him to want dinner and not for him to start cooking at 8pm or later.
You are eating with toddler and you've said you have little interest in food or cooking. How do you think you'll manage with a newborn plus the toddler. If you were tired easily before you were pregnant (as you said) then what made you think having another child would be a great idea? It will just give you another stick to beat him with and more to moan about.
You have a dishwasher, a cleaner, a husband who is not in under your feet all day on 6 days a week and a toddler who goes to nursery. You can get everything you need online. Food, wine, household stuff...everything and delivered right to your door, so there is no need to do shopping as you say you don't like it or you're too tired.
I honestly think you need to buck your ideas up and have your shower after dropping toddler at nursery. Have another in the evening so you don't need one when you wake up. Have child in bed by 6.30 and finish off the meal in the oven and share it with DH when he comes home.

You'll feel better if you make changes to give yourself time to eat with him. As it is, your marriage has flatlined and needs an injection of some positive thinking.

@LoisLane66

The 1950s are that way
⬅️

God, he sounds appalling. I had a second baby a couple of months ago and by the end I was really struggling to do the bare minimum to look after my toddler. I was mainly responsible for food (I wasn’t working, though!) but it was generally pretty low effort. On the days I cooked, I can’t imagine my husband complaining it wasn’t fancy enough. We had tortellini or pizza with a side of steamed broccoli more times than I care to admit.

Btw @LoisLane66 is talking nonsense about tiredness, I’ve got way more energy to get things done with the baby and toddler than I did while pregnant. She’s also talking nonsense about everything else. Absolute dinosaur.

@LoisLane66

You can't feed a man toddler food. What makes you think that right? If he works 12 hour shifts and is late home, it's not unreasonable for him to want dinner and not for him to start cooking at 8pm or later. You are eating with toddler and you've said you have little interest in food or cooking. How do you think you'll manage with a newborn plus the toddler. If you were tired easily before you were pregnant (as you said) then what made you think having another child would be a great idea? It will just give you another stick to beat him with and more to moan about. You have a dishwasher, a cleaner, a husband who is not in under your feet all day on 6 days a week and a toddler who goes to nursery. You can get everything you need online. Food, wine, household stuff...everything and delivered right to your door, so there is no need to do shopping as you say you don't like it or you're too tired. I honestly think you need to buck your ideas up and have your shower after dropping toddler at nursery. Have another in the evening so you don't need one when you wake up. Have child in bed by 6.30 and finish off the meal in the oven and share it with DH when he comes home. You'll feel better if you make changes to give yourself time to eat with him. As it is, your marriage has flatlined and needs an injection of some positive thinking.

It's not toddler food. It's what I eat too. My toddler eats what we eat. I don't make special food for the toddler. I really disagree with doing that.

@LoisLane66 holy crap lois. You read all op’s posts and decided that was your advice?!

I honestly think you need to buck your ideas up

@BingBangB0ng

Btw *@LoisLane66* is talking nonsense about tiredness, I’ve got way more energy to get things done with the baby and toddler than I did while pregnant. She’s also talking nonsense about everything else. Absolute dinosaur.

Yes first time round, I felt better recovering from a c section and looking after a newborn compared to being pregnant. I also suffered from HG last time. It's horrific.

OP why do you stay with this dickhead? You really need to leave.

Does he realise that when you are divorced he will have to cook his own dinner ?

I can't believe that men like this still exist!! Me and OH both work full time but due to my job being more flexible than his, I do the majority of the school runs / after school clubs. He does the cooking. Even though I work from home, he gets home from work and cooks dinner. The rest of the housework/life admin is split 50/50.

OH would never dare to treat me like this and would fully expect to be laughed at if he did!

I read this thread to him and he asked if you were both living in the 1950s!

@billy1966

If you don't give your head a wobble you are going to end up as one abused woman.

His behaviour towards you is not of a decent man.

He is a shit husband.
He is a shit father.

His treatment of you while you are pregnant complaining continuously is emotionally abusive.

Talk to your health visitor.
Speak to Women's aid.

With a man this awful, things will only get worse.

Have you any family?
Friends?

Contact them and tell the truth about his treatment and behaviour.

You are being ground down by him.
You may not realise it, but your are.

This is not a good man.

Please protect yourself.

This 100%

And the turnaround where he starts doing everything around the house and apologising is manipulative and controlling. You recognise this as a pattern that repeats itself, is someone is genuinely sorry they change the behaviour not repeat it. Leave him, life will be so much better without him….xx

What kind of household is it where LoisLane lives that sea bream or salmon and roast veg is "toddler food" intolerable to a True Manly Man of the House?

My OH can be an Asshole regularly, and if i am honest he gets some absolutely tasteless food plated up to him some evenings when ive been tired, short of time or my recipe experiment went wrong, but even he will always eat it and say thanks. When I was pregnant with the second, dinner was often boiled egg and toast and again he just said thanks and made himself a sandwich or a bowl of cereal or had an extra few biscuits with his tea later on if he got hungry. He needs to grow up! It's hard going, doing what you're doing right now. He sounds like a complete pig.