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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is it me? Am I unreasonable with DH ?

473 replies

ihavenamexhanedtoday · 15/02/2022 22:23

8 months pregnant and have a toddler at nursery.

Toddler has been sick for ages now. The last 4 nights or so, I've been up with toddler until the early hours, so getting only a few hours of sleep. Maybe 3 hours or so.

Then looking after toddler during the day. I have had a very difficult pregnancy with hyperemisis and feel sick a lot still. I also have other serious health issues, which mean I struggle physically at the best of times, but it's very hard when I am pregnant.

I'm just absolutely exhausted. DH works hard, shift type work. But seems to expect dinner when he gets home. I usually have something for him, nothing fancy. But he does complain often, like ' oh a steak ? I had steak for lunch today '... sometimes I don't have dinner for him and just get a takeaway for him.

This evening he had to wait 30 minutes for dinner to be ready and was moody about it. He also wasn't happy with what was served and it wasn't enough as well apparently.

Isn't that fucking ridiculous behaviour ? I told him that he cannot expect an a la carte menu right now and I'm doing my best. I forgot to mention I also have a full time job still from home. I also get toddler up and ready for nursery every day ( when toddler is well ) and do drop off and pick ups and sort dinner for toddler and bed time etc. As DH is at work. When toddler is unwell, I stay home.

Sorry but can he not understand that sometimes I don't have dinner ready ? I really try hard to have something available most evenings, but he always only remembers the times I don't have anything or when it's late or the same thing again etc. Isn't that just ridiculous ? Or is it understandable, as he works late etc ? He doesn't seem to appreciate that I'm trying hard. He says it's always an issue that dinner isn't available. But it's not even true.

YABU- he's out late working, so should have dinner ready

YANBU- he should cook for himself ( he does do that sometimes, but it's a massive deal and he begrudgingly does it. Like he thinks he shouldn't have to do that after a hard day at work ) he also makes a massive mess, so it's actually more work for me, because he never cleaned up properly.

OP posts:
2020nymph · 17/02/2022 21:54

@Cherrysoup

I’d be buying ready meals, adding in boil in the bag veg. If he’s whinging about steak, he’ll never be happy. Wtaf?! Asshole.

Fuck that, cereal for dinner for him!

Celestine70 · 17/02/2022 22:26

He's a misogynistic asshole. You work full time. You are not his mother. You are doing a full time job, taking care of a child AND pregnant. I would ask him to leave.

Pinkbuttons08 · 17/02/2022 23:12

This is very worrying in my opinion, very undermining, controlling and toxic. Its more than him being a bit selfish. Please talk to your friends or family and try to get more support.

Londoncallingme · 17/02/2022 23:12

@Fluenty

So to confirm

You:

  1. Don’t sleep
  2. Care for sick toddler all night
  3. Care for toddler all day / do pick ups and drop offs
  4. Are growing a human
  5. Work full time
  6. Cook all meals

And you’re doing so with multiple health issues

He

  1. Works full time
  2. ….Nothing else

To make it worse, when he gets takeaway he just gets it for himself?
and he just complains about all the things you’re doing?

And he thinks that’s ok and you’re not sure if he’s an idiot?

Tell him to go f himself

Op, you need to give him this list.
wingscrow · 17/02/2022 23:20

He needs to dial down the attitude...

I would have a serious conversation with him and tell him you don't appreciate being taken for granted and you are no longer going to be his personal chef and maid while you are already taking care of the kids and working.

Either he realises he has been an idiot and starts being more supportive, sharing the burden or you know you need to get rid of him.

Frankly a grown man should not be behaving in this way in the first place and you should not have to explain this to him so it is not looking good long term I would say.

Tallulah1972 · 18/02/2022 00:10

I can’t even get through reading your responses OP as they were making me so angry! Angry for you! He is walking all over you & it’s not going to get any better when baby’s born! I hope in one of your comments you’ve said you’ll get some help or advice, or just leave! Your mum doesn’t help molly coddling him either! Please take care of you cos it sounds like nobody else is 😢

Amybelle88 · 18/02/2022 00:21

Run for the fucking hills!!!

EKGEMS · 18/02/2022 01:35

@LoisLane66 Are you for real? Who the fuck comes onto a thread where another woman is working full time, in advanced pregnancy with HG no less, and has a toddler and criticizes the menu on offer for her boorish, caveman of a husband?! You need to go back to the 50s-they are calling your name!

PyongyangKipperbang · 18/02/2022 01:46

"He wants gourmet stuff"

Shit me, your example meals IS gourmet stuff in my world!

PiperPosey · 18/02/2022 01:58

I laughed so hard at LoisLane66's post.. Wow...UNBELIEABLE

But I am laughing even harder at all the comments going towards her.

Tmu100 · 18/02/2022 05:40

@DrinkFeckArseBrick

Wtaf

So he works

You work, are 8 months pregnant, ill, do both your share of childcare, do all the night wakes, and have to cook as well?

You do know that those lists should be completely switched around right? Just stop. Everything. He can take some emergency leave and look after the toddler. He can use that time to shop and batch cook.

You really need to stop and look after yourself before you go into early labour with the stress you're putting yourself under. And also reconsider your relationship with a selfish lazy man with no regard of the health of his wife or unborn baby.

Exactly this! He sounds like a massive entitled dick! You sound incredibly patient and I feel for you. Don’t put up with this!
Merryweather80 · 18/02/2022 06:29

In a relationship once there’s no respect (both sides) there’s no love either and without that there’s no point in carrying on the relationship.
He doesn’t respect you and from the sound of it you have been ground down to a point where you couldn’t even if you wanted to. I’m not surprised. His attitude is appalling.
Can you start to make plans to leave him? Financially you said your are secure. Would your family come over to help you and the children find a new home and move.

You know you can manage. You do all ready without him. He’s adding to your workload and stress levels which you really don’t need.
Can you see a solicitor?
You’re exhausted. I really feel for you. I’ve been where you are. Please look after yourself. I’m quite worried for you. Life would be better without him, and you know that. Your children will see him treating you like this and think it’s acceptable and normal - then go the same to their partner and the cycle continues.

When you are feeling more rested make a plan, ask for help from friends and family and leave. You can do this.

Good luck.

luluw41 · 18/02/2022 06:44

The only solution here is that he sorts himself out for dinner then. If it really made him that unhappy I’m sure he would but so far he hasn’t has he? He’s just trying instead to bully you into improving but you aren’t the one that’s unhappy with your food - he is.

SnozPoz · 18/02/2022 07:59

Your husband is a dick. He should be looking after you. What's the plan when you give birth? Who's going to be looking after the toddler and cooking when you're in hospital ? Can you go and stay with a family member or friend for a while? Can a midwife or someone similar have a strict word with him?

Loreleigh · 18/02/2022 08:11

Go on strike - let the lazy self-centred selfish twat fend for himself, look after the toddler and his pregnant wife, keep the home and have meals made for all of you. Go to bed, tell him the truth that you are too exhausted to do anything more and that unless he wants a hospitalised (or worse) wife he needs to get his finger out of his arse and pull his weight, show he gives a f**k and bloody grow up. He is meant to be a husband & father & father-to-be, not a useless pampered brat Good luck - have a few days catching up on sleep (like the rest of your pregnancy). Oh, and when baby comes, go to bed with baby when he/she sleeps - hubby should be able to manage everything else.

Bertiebiscuit · 18/02/2022 08:34

So are you actually his partner - or just staff? He is an arse, I'd divorce him personally - he seems to think you are living in the 1950s

MrsPetty · 18/02/2022 09:14

His behaviour is not ‘ridiculous’ it’s abusive! I often cook dinner for my husband if I’m at home and he’s at work as an act of love. But there’s is zero expectation on his part and he’s always touched and grateful whatever I cook. If he complained, criticized or felt entitled I’d be seriously considering the dynamic of our relationship…

SeasonFinale · 18/02/2022 09:15

I am always amazed that there are still "tea on't table as soon as they walk through the door types of neanderthals around and women that put up with this.

Stick the ingredients on the table and tell him - there you go - dinner is on the table!

RachaelN · 18/02/2022 09:17

He's a tw@ihavenamexhanedtodayseriously sounds like a proper knobhead!

Original poster
ihavenamexhanedtoday · 18/02/2022 09:22

@SnozPoz

Your husband is a dick. He should be looking after you. What's the plan when you give birth? Who's going to be looking after the toddler and cooking when you're in hospital ? Can you go and stay with a family member or friend for a while? Can a midwife or someone similar have a strict word with him?
My mum is coming of course. He also says ' where is your mum !! ? Why is your mum not here !!you need her. I can't give you the kind of support she can, I'm just a bloke ' Angry
OP posts:
Toanewstart23 · 18/02/2022 09:24

I am always more amazed
That strong, educated and articulate women accept this and are ok with their children being in this kind of environment

BiscoffAnythingIsTheWayForward · 18/02/2022 09:40

OP… This is abusive. I know it must be hard for you to see it this way, but it is. What a pathetic excuse to not only make you accountable for everything when you’re doing nothing but ending over backwards and then demanding to know where your mum is. How blind can one man be to how much of a dickhead he is?! I wouldn’t often take the route of ‘leave’ but here I absolutely would. You don’t need a man-child. Take care of you for once. I can’t believe how much you do and he’s still having a tantrum. Unbelievable 🤦🏻‍♀️

BiscoffAnythingIsTheWayForward · 18/02/2022 09:40

*bending over backwards

Kdubs1981 · 18/02/2022 09:47

@LoisLane66

What kind of meals DO you cook? Hearty beef or lamb stews or roast parsnips carrots and potatoes seasoned and put in the bottom of a casserole dish and topped with pork chops or chicken. Add drizzles of olive oil all over and put in the oven. Steam broccoli and ready prepped green beans as a side, which only take 8 minutes to cook. YouTube has millions of easy, hard and more time consuming recipes. I worked in a large private household where the housekeeper would make these quick prep one pot meals which really filled you up and were healthy. She even made yogurt and blueberry muffins or banana pancakes fresh every day for staff to enjoy at breakfast. It really takes very little time.
I think you may have spectacularly missed the point here....
Kdubs1981 · 18/02/2022 09:49

@LoisLane66

You can't feed a man toddler food. What makes you think that right? If he works 12 hour shifts and is late home, it's not unreasonable for him to want dinner and not for him to start cooking at 8pm or later. You are eating with toddler and you've said you have little interest in food or cooking. How do you think you'll manage with a newborn plus the toddler. If you were tired easily before you were pregnant (as you said) then what made you think having another child would be a great idea? It will just give you another stick to beat him with and more to moan about. You have a dishwasher, a cleaner, a husband who is not in under your feet all day on 6 days a week and a toddler who goes to nursery. You can get everything you need online. Food, wine, household stuff...everything and delivered right to your door, so there is no need to do shopping as you say you don't like it or you're too tired. I honestly think you need to buck your ideas up and have your shower after dropping toddler at nursery. Have another in the evening so you don't need one when you wake up. Have child in bed by 6.30 and finish off the meal in the oven and share it with DH when he comes home. You'll feel better if you make changes to give yourself time to eat with him. As it is, your marriage has flatlined and needs an injection of some positive thinking.
Do fuck off @LoisLane66

What don you think "toddler food" is? It's good that humans eat, like OP when she eats with her child.

As PPs have said, the 1950s are calling 🤣

Also, are you her husband?

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