Aggressive MIL still wants me to facilitate contact with my 6 month old

[DonnyBurrito]

Sorry this is a long post, I didn't want to drip feed through comments.

My MIL has recently threatened me via a WhatsApp voice note sent to DP, calling me all the abusive names under the sun and saying how I need to be careful or she'd 'be paying me a visit'. This was due to an argument over WhatsApp I had with SIL, which was in no way aggressive on either of our parts, we just don't see eye to eye on things relating to my DS who is 6 months old. It was a disagreement that got heated, we were both a bit shitty to one another, and we agreed to not speak again for the forseeable. She then immediately ran off to her mummy to tell her we'd fallen out. MIL then proceeded to rant and rave at my DP all morning about how awful I am and how he needed to 'grow some balls' and 'make a decision', and then aggressively threatened me. I have her number blocked on my phone as I've found her way too stressful and demanding to deal with since having DS, otherwise I'm sure she would have contacted me directly.

I'd just like to say at this point that I don't have these kind of disagreements or fallings out with ANYONE else other than this particular family! They are all pretty unpleasant, and MIL has made many enemies over the years. I digress...

This isn't the first time she's sent abusive voice notes to DP. Just before Christmas she sent him 3 horrible voice notes, emotionally abusing him, calling him abusive names and threatening to smack him in the mouth. Not out of character for her, she's been awful to him since he was a child. She even admitted she thought he was a PITA as a baby. After Christmas she told DP that she doesn't give a shit about him, she just wants to see DS.

The constant breakdowns in our relationship with her always come down to her demanding that we bring our DS to see her, regardless of how inconvenient it is for us all, including the baby. She refuses to visit him at our house. We say no, we can't visit you today. She gets angry, DP gets angry, and I get stressed and wish I'd found a man with a nicer mum.

She has now said I'm not welcome at her house, which is obviously fine by me as I don't like it at her house anyway, but she still wants me to bring DS round to hers so she can see him. I'm the only one who drives at the moment, so I would have to drop him and DP off and then go hang around somewhere nearby and wait until I get a call off DP to come and feed him/pick them up. He still breastfeeds on demand for both milk and comfort - DS that is, not DP 😁

MIL will be supervised by DP obviously, but it feels very unnatural to leave my baby with a women who has threatened me and my DP and shown us nothing but disrespect since DS was born. I don't want to do her any favours by running my son around for her, and then disappearing off so she doesn't have to deal with me.

Also, her small house (1 bed bungalow) is always very chaotic and loud, with lots of people scrunched into the tiny front room, TV blaring and her older grandchildren running around screeching and not listening to any adults. The two times in the past I have taken DS round and left him there without me he's got very distressed, verging on inconsolable (he is never like this anywhere else), but MIL disagrees that it's because it's too loud with too many strangers, and that it's because I have babied him too much and he just needs to get used to the chaos.

DS spends 90% of his time with me, and sees his dad a few hours a day before he goes to work and then at weekend. He isn't as attached to his dad, so I don't want to leave him somewhere he has previously gotten very distressed, without being allowed in to comfort him myself.

So... AIBU?

YANBU - to insist on staying with DS if MIL wants to see him.

YABU - DP can look after DS fine for an hour or two on his own.

hoping your joking about even letting her within 100 yards of your child?

id be getting a restraining order and staying the fuck away from her. shes psycho - she would eventually turn your child against you, you do realise these types of people do that?

Aggressive MIL can fuck off.

Option C here from me. There is no way I'd let my child alone with my husband to go see his mother given the abuse she has given you. She is toxic and this will only get worse if you let visits continue. The only way she would be tolerated by me is in my house on condition she is civil and does not comment on any aspect of your parenting. I would also get your partner's phone and screen shot or take a photo of the abusive messages. I would then send them by phone or email to her and tell her that she is to stop bad mouthing you. This way she knows you have evidence of the type of person she is. She won't like that. Depending on how toxic and threatening her messages are I would report it to the police so that you have a record of it. You have already kicked your partner out once, he has been unbelievably disloyal to you and gone behind your back talking negatively about you. Siding with his family over you. This will not end well and a police report now would be very helpful if you divorce and there is a custody battle. That is where you marriage is heading based on your posts on here. Best of luck and stay strong. Do not let yourself be cajoled into aiding any visits.

Another vote for option C Collect and save all the evidence, final warning for your partner and do what is best for you and your child.

Option C

He doesn't want DS to miss out on forming relationships with his cousins because I've 'fallen out' with his mum and sister

From your post, it doesn't sound like you "fell out" with anyone. They were very unpleasant or aggressive towards you in every encounter, banned you from their houses, and made you feel it was unsafe / or unpleasant environment for a very young child, whilst you were banned by them from being present.

Yet from that quote, the narrative of your DH and his family seems to be that you "fell out" with them. Is that really how he phrases it?
Does he put much of the blame on them? Is it presented as If only you would, like him, do what everyone else wants you to and stop being "difficult" then all would be well?

So you are considered the bad guy in all of this?

I think you need to be really careful about record keeping and creating a paper trail as insurance just in case things get even more complicated.

It sounds as if he cannot accept how abusive his mother is or that she has created this situation.

Erm option C for me...no contact with her whatsoever. Tough if she doesn't get to see her grandson; she can fuck right off.

Option C

Your husband has been conditioned from birth to tolerate his mother's abuse, he will not find it easy to face up to this without professional help.

Stand firm. She has not right to treat you appallingly, your dh should have your back 100% and he really needs to see the light. Relationships to cousins is only a healthy option for your children if family relations are civilised and kind to everyone, including their mother. Teaching your children to have boundaries and basic expectation of behaviour is a very good thing. Stick to your guns and keep her away from you, and away from your children.

If she wants to see your son let her sort it out at your convenience.

Toxic Parents and Toxic In-Laws, both by Susan Forward.

These books are game-changers. However, OP's situation might have gone beyond the softer, non-defensive approaches Forward favours. She sees NC strictly as a last resort, which, of course, it is. But given the level of aggression shown by this particular MiL, it sounds as though this is one of those cases.

for you OP.

Your dp is a twat how dare he bad mouth you like all this is your fault

i wouldnt let anyone of them near my childi also would have phoned the police and reported her threats jsut so their on record

you do know if your dp takes your son somewhere he doesnt have to bring him back (assuming hes on the bc) the police wont force him because hes the father

do you really want the chance of that happening because his mother has got in his ear about you