Aggressive MIL still wants me to facilitate contact with my 6 month old

[DonnyBurrito]

Sorry this is a long post, I didn't want to drip feed through comments.

My MIL has recently threatened me via a WhatsApp voice note sent to DP, calling me all the abusive names under the sun and saying how I need to be careful or she'd 'be paying me a visit'. This was due to an argument over WhatsApp I had with SIL, which was in no way aggressive on either of our parts, we just don't see eye to eye on things relating to my DS who is 6 months old. It was a disagreement that got heated, we were both a bit shitty to one another, and we agreed to not speak again for the forseeable. She then immediately ran off to her mummy to tell her we'd fallen out. MIL then proceeded to rant and rave at my DP all morning about how awful I am and how he needed to 'grow some balls' and 'make a decision', and then aggressively threatened me. I have her number blocked on my phone as I've found her way too stressful and demanding to deal with since having DS, otherwise I'm sure she would have contacted me directly.

I'd just like to say at this point that I don't have these kind of disagreements or fallings out with ANYONE else other than this particular family! They are all pretty unpleasant, and MIL has made many enemies over the years. I digress...

This isn't the first time she's sent abusive voice notes to DP. Just before Christmas she sent him 3 horrible voice notes, emotionally abusing him, calling him abusive names and threatening to smack him in the mouth. Not out of character for her, she's been awful to him since he was a child. She even admitted she thought he was a PITA as a baby. After Christmas she told DP that she doesn't give a shit about him, she just wants to see DS.

The constant breakdowns in our relationship with her always come down to her demanding that we bring our DS to see her, regardless of how inconvenient it is for us all, including the baby. She refuses to visit him at our house. We say no, we can't visit you today. She gets angry, DP gets angry, and I get stressed and wish I'd found a man with a nicer mum.

She has now said I'm not welcome at her house, which is obviously fine by me as I don't like it at her house anyway, but she still wants me to bring DS round to hers so she can see him. I'm the only one who drives at the moment, so I would have to drop him and DP off and then go hang around somewhere nearby and wait until I get a call off DP to come and feed him/pick them up. He still breastfeeds on demand for both milk and comfort - DS that is, not DP 😁

MIL will be supervised by DP obviously, but it feels very unnatural to leave my baby with a women who has threatened me and my DP and shown us nothing but disrespect since DS was born. I don't want to do her any favours by running my son around for her, and then disappearing off so she doesn't have to deal with me.

Also, her small house (1 bed bungalow) is always very chaotic and loud, with lots of people scrunched into the tiny front room, TV blaring and her older grandchildren running around screeching and not listening to any adults. The two times in the past I have taken DS round and left him there without me he's got very distressed, verging on inconsolable (he is never like this anywhere else), but MIL disagrees that it's because it's too loud with too many strangers, and that it's because I have babied him too much and he just needs to get used to the chaos.

DS spends 90% of his time with me, and sees his dad a few hours a day before he goes to work and then at weekend. He isn't as attached to his dad, so I don't want to leave him somewhere he has previously gotten very distressed, without being allowed in to comfort him myself.

So... AIBU?

YANBU - to insist on staying with DS if MIL wants to see him.

YABU - DP can look after DS fine for an hour or two on his own.

*too

I would tell the bitch she can see ds when she learns how to apologise. Guaranteed it will never happen.

You’ve asked dp to leave? Given he’s not much better than them, Yanbu on this point alone

Usually only successful if there’s a history of contact, such as childcare and the court decides that cutting contact would be detrimental to the child. Unlikely in your case i would have thought.

I got half way down and skipped the rest.

ive stopped my family seeing mine for less.

its not worth it, she will repeat the abuse to your son, she will drop feed shit to him.why why would you do it? She sounds awful. Why would you want her around your child? She has no rights. If she was a stranger you wouldn’t, so because of some warped loyalty you feel you should? Bollocks to that.

It would be a cold day in hell before I would even consider taking a child over to see someone like her - let alone without me being there to supervise. Your MIL sounds horrendous - but remember - you have no legal or other obligation to see her or allow her to see your child. I would tell her to get stuffed. She has other grandchildren.

Your DP isn't a "good dad". His job is to protect his child and instead he is choosing to expose him to abuse for his own personal gain.

I feel for your DP having her as a mum;how she must erode his confidence and make him feel rubbish.

I agree with many other posters about not exposing your DC to this awful toxic woman.

I don't understand why you are asking if YABU?

She sounds completely toxic. Why would you or your dh want her in your or your ds's life at all?

Just bc people are family doesn't mean you have to have anything to do with them.

Please, do not entertain this insanity. For the love of god. I understand she’s DH mother, DS grandmother, but she has demonstrated a complete lack of respect for you, your boundaries, your family, this isn’t someone you want spending time with your tiny baby, without your supervision. This isn’t just ‘oh my mil doesn’t like me’ she has threatened you with violence THEN tried to call the shots & DEMAND he is brought to her home which you are not welcome at!
at the absolute most, the most I would be prepared to do, is DH & MIL to meet in a coffee shop with DS for an hour, but with the home you’ve described I wouldn’t really want him there out of my sight.

I'd tell her that if she wants me to facilitate seeing ds, she wants something from me, not the other way round. Therefore, she can be civil and courteous to me. Until I see evidence of that, I am not doing it.

However, the above response was based on your headline. Based on the ret of your OP and the comments, If she is abusive and threatening, I wouldn't be in contact with her at all.

Another vote C

Ehy are you staying with a man who allows his mother to treat you like that?

she was obviously a dreadful 'mother' to him growing up & he needs to get some therapy, but he should be protective of you & DS & do what he perhaps couldn't do for himself and go NC with the nasty bitch.

DS would not be going near her without me & I would not be going, so...

If DP thought he could over ride me by doing the 'he's my son too' shit, I'd report his mother & sister to the police. (I'd have sent any evidence to my phone before now).

The fact that a hard NO wasn't one of your options is worrying

If you do split up, then of course she could get her hands on dc more, in his contact time. But that is still not enough reason to stay with him, if he doesn’t have your back.

Good luck op.

I call b*tches old hags if they are one and I’m a middle aged woman🤷‍♀️

This.

YABVVU, why on earth would you allow this vile creature to be part of your Son's life. End all contact now or you will be partly to blame when she starts threatening your child.

Have to agree with this.

It seems you both would benefit from professional counseling.

I'd say your kids are better off having no contact at all with this toxic, abusive woman.

Look, she’s threatened violence, both of you should cut all contact you absolutely should not allow her to see your son!!!!!!!!!

Every message you exchange with her now, remain calm / adult / non-abusive and write it as if a judge may see it. Just in case that is the position you could end up in.
Otherwise, you are breastfeeding a baby and her house is chaotic. Two very good reasons not to leave your 6 month with her.
Where is your DP in all of this? Does he want you to take your DS to MIL?

Just one question-why on earth do you bother with her or give her opinions any sort of credence?

It's not what I want, I don't want him around the MIL and DP understands that, but he feels like it's not fair on his sister, his dad or his niece and nephews to not see DS. None of them will see DS if MIL isn't allowed to see him too. He doesn't want DS to miss out on forming relationships with his cousins because I've 'fallen out' with his mum and sister. So, he arranged to take DS to his sisters house for a few hours, and MIL/FIL turned up too. To get around my refusal to take him anywhere where I'm not welcome and sit around waiting for hours (I'm not welcome in SILs house either), FIL came and picked him and DP up, and then I drove to go get them after. I don't want to do this at all, but I feel like I have to accept this as SIL isn't quite as bad as her mum, and if they all see DS for just 2 hours at her house every 3 months then they will remain basically strangers to him, won't they? And they won't get the chance to do anything other than give him a cuddle and watch him play with his cousins for a bit.

I do have the voice note where she threatened me saved to my phone now. I doubt she would be stupid enough to do that again, but it's there if I need to report her to the police in future. She also sent me an letter, which wasn't threatening or abusive, but pages and pages explaining why I am a bad mother and a shitty person, and how great she is. She instructed me to show it to my friends and family so they have her side of things 😂 Bizarre woman.

Yabu to consider taking your baby to see this awful woman. She doesn’t give a shit about him, she’s just doing it for control. You’ve said how upset he gets. Never take him there again

DS is 9 months old now, by the way, I'd noticed a comment asking for an update last night and responded which then resurrected this thread. It's a situation that is mildly under control now. I'm still not happy with the compromise, but I'm not up all night worried she's going to take me to court for contact anymore.

Tell him that he gets the easy stress free life he wants by staying away from his mother and never seeing her again