Aggressive MIL still wants me to facilitate contact with my 6 month old

[DonnyBurrito]

Sorry this is a long post, I didn't want to drip feed through comments.

My MIL has recently threatened me via a WhatsApp voice note sent to DP, calling me all the abusive names under the sun and saying how I need to be careful or she'd 'be paying me a visit'. This was due to an argument over WhatsApp I had with SIL, which was in no way aggressive on either of our parts, we just don't see eye to eye on things relating to my DS who is 6 months old. It was a disagreement that got heated, we were both a bit shitty to one another, and we agreed to not speak again for the forseeable. She then immediately ran off to her mummy to tell her we'd fallen out. MIL then proceeded to rant and rave at my DP all morning about how awful I am and how he needed to 'grow some balls' and 'make a decision', and then aggressively threatened me. I have her number blocked on my phone as I've found her way too stressful and demanding to deal with since having DS, otherwise I'm sure she would have contacted me directly.

I'd just like to say at this point that I don't have these kind of disagreements or fallings out with ANYONE else other than this particular family! They are all pretty unpleasant, and MIL has made many enemies over the years. I digress...

This isn't the first time she's sent abusive voice notes to DP. Just before Christmas she sent him 3 horrible voice notes, emotionally abusing him, calling him abusive names and threatening to smack him in the mouth. Not out of character for her, she's been awful to him since he was a child. She even admitted she thought he was a PITA as a baby. After Christmas she told DP that she doesn't give a shit about him, she just wants to see DS.

The constant breakdowns in our relationship with her always come down to her demanding that we bring our DS to see her, regardless of how inconvenient it is for us all, including the baby. She refuses to visit him at our house. We say no, we can't visit you today. She gets angry, DP gets angry, and I get stressed and wish I'd found a man with a nicer mum.

She has now said I'm not welcome at her house, which is obviously fine by me as I don't like it at her house anyway, but she still wants me to bring DS round to hers so she can see him. I'm the only one who drives at the moment, so I would have to drop him and DP off and then go hang around somewhere nearby and wait until I get a call off DP to come and feed him/pick them up. He still breastfeeds on demand for both milk and comfort - DS that is, not DP 😁

MIL will be supervised by DP obviously, but it feels very unnatural to leave my baby with a women who has threatened me and my DP and shown us nothing but disrespect since DS was born. I don't want to do her any favours by running my son around for her, and then disappearing off so she doesn't have to deal with me.

Also, her small house (1 bed bungalow) is always very chaotic and loud, with lots of people scrunched into the tiny front room, TV blaring and her older grandchildren running around screeching and not listening to any adults. The two times in the past I have taken DS round and left him there without me he's got very distressed, verging on inconsolable (he is never like this anywhere else), but MIL disagrees that it's because it's too loud with too many strangers, and that it's because I have babied him too much and he just needs to get used to the chaos.

DS spends 90% of his time with me, and sees his dad a few hours a day before he goes to work and then at weekend. He isn't as attached to his dad, so I don't want to leave him somewhere he has previously gotten very distressed, without being allowed in to comfort him myself.

So... AIBU?

YANBU - to insist on staying with DS if MIL wants to see him.

YABU - DP can look after DS fine for an hour or two on his own.

@TurquoiseDragon

I'm not going to vote either way.

I vote for option C, cutting contact with MIL.

She makes threats to you and your DP, why on earth would you want your DS to have a relationship with her? She can demand you visit all she likes, but you don't have to go, and neither does your DS.

In fact, keep all the threats in case you need a restraining order.

This, in absolute SPADES

Cut contact with her. She won’t bring anything positive to your sons life. She sounds unhinged.

I wouldn’t let her near him. I’d document every threat so far, and I would completely cut contact.

What that Zouma saga shows is that the lives of black people matter less than that of animals.

The woman who kicked the horse did not receive this kind of demeaning abuse and extreme cries for social, financial, and physical punishment. Even threats of jail time.

Now I would like to know how those same people react when a black person is racially abused. As for the sponsors who dropped him, I would like to know how they have reacted in the past in relation to the Rabaul abuse of players and white players who have behaved badly.

We must not stand for this nonsense any longer. Speak out on Twitter and other social media. We cannot stay silent and allow this denigration of black people.

Zouma has done an awful thing but the response by predominantly white people show an extreme bias and desire to see him brought to nothing.

Tell me why this white man, Sir Todd has received no such abuse?

www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-10505319/amp/Sir-Mark-Todd-caught-whipping-horse-branch-TEN-times-make-water-obstacle.html

Sorry wrong area. Meant for the thread on Zouma.

[quote Why2why]What that Zouma saga shows is that the lives of black people matter less than that of animals.

The woman who kicked the horse did not receive this kind of demeaning abuse and extreme cries for social, financial, and physical punishment. Even threats of jail time.

Now I would like to know how those same people react when a black person is racially abused. As for the sponsors who dropped him, I would like to know how they have reacted in the past in relation to the Rabaul abuse of players and white players who have behaved badly.

We must not stand for this nonsense any longer. Speak out on Twitter and other social media. We cannot stay silent and allow this denigration of black people.

Zouma has done an awful thing but the response by predominantly white people show an extreme bias and desire to see him brought to nothing.

Tell me why this white man, Sir Todd has received no such abuse?

www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-10505319/amp/Sir-Mark-Todd-caught-whipping-horse-branch-TEN-times-make-water-obstacle.html[/quote]
I think you're in the wrong thread.

However: don't downplay what Zouma was caught doing - he was torturing an animal.

Todd was equally disgraceful - the difference is he's a New Zealander, now retired and living back there. What action can be taken against him in the UK?

@JustBlethering

I'm not trying to scare anyone. This actually happened to me. My in laws were abusive. We didn't cut contact completely but we backed away, and offered counseling if they wanted to spend more time together. They rejected counselling and applied to court. They have the legal right to do so and it was the best way in their minds to continue to control and upset us.

We hired a lawyer, the application was dismissed at the first return date. However- it took a whole year to get that court date. A year of stress and legal threats. I had to go on anti depressants. It costs tens of thousands of pounds while I was on maternity leave and we were living on one income. That money can't be recovered even though they were in the wrong.

The main reason we were able to get rid of it was that it was clear, in writing that an offer of counseling was on the table and they refused.

The other party isn't going to approach the court admitting that they are abusive and dysfunctional. They'll come saying they're wonderful cuddly loving grandparents who just want to do what's best for their grandchildren, and then they have a forum to tell a bunch of lies about the parents. Then a court has to wade through those lies and determine who is telling the truth. That costs money and time and stress.

Neither, I'd cut all contact!

Are you seriously considering letting her see your baby?! You would have to be CRACKERS to let her, seeing a grandchild is a privilege not a right and no chance would I let her near him after threatening you never mind her own son with violence. I would absolutely 100% go NC with her permanently, you have nothing to gain from contact but risk to you and your child…the kind of person who physically threatens her own child isn’t safe around another woman’s baby!

Is spending time with her good for your baby?

If she's threatening you with physical violence I'd be having a chat with the local police about it.

I'd also not be letting my son see her, I'd go so far as suggesting both you and your dh cut all contact with her

Agreed- cut all contact. What does your baby have to gain from having a relationship with this woman? If anything, it seems it would be far less than the upset it will cause the poor child.
She sounds horrible and does not deserve you putting yourself out for her in the slightest.
Enjoy spending time with your baby and DP and ignore her.

NRFT and agree entirely on option C, but also, not seeing eye to eye with your SIL in relation to your baby - WTFs it got to do with her?? Sounds like you need to go NC with her too

Why are you even contemplating this? Do you want your DS exposed to that kind of behavior?!

@SeenYourArse

Are you seriously considering letting her see your baby?! You would have to be CRACKERS to let her, seeing a grandchild is a privilege not a right and no chance would I let her near him after threatening you never mind her own son with violence. I would absolutely 100% go NC with her permanently, you have nothing to gain from contact but risk to you and your child…the kind of person who physically threatens her own child isn’t safe around another woman’s baby!

I already commented upthread, but yes this absolutely. Seeing a grandchild is a privilege, not a right. This sums it up perfectly.

When hell freezes over and pigs fly in combination with a blue moon, should be the day that she gets next or near any of you. As others have said, keep the evidence of her threats.

And yes, she could try the legal route. I know of someone who did. They told blatant lies to the judge. Complete no contact with the grandparents was the result and the couple with the children are very happy now. It was stressful, there's no point saying otherwise.

Once more with feeling, do not let her anywhere near you or your baby.

She actually complained that you ‘babied’ your 6 month old baby!!

MIL doesn’t get a say in seeing DS or not, I wouldn’t let someone who is horrid to me have access to my DS.

It would be absolutely insane of your to do any of that. Your partner is just as bad for not going NC

Cut all contact with the batshit bint. Why the hell would want your DC anywhere near her, and why would you even let her dictate what you should do? Madness!!

No , no , no and no. Set boundaries OP and don’t be pushed around by this family. Who is the sister to ‘disagree’ with anything about your baby? He is YOURS, not hers, not your MIL. Yours. I wish I had done this when I was in a similar situation but instead I tried to negotiate with them.

I was once involved in a family like that with an ex and believe me, they don’t get any easier. They were deranged, and spiteful and the type of people who the authorities hate. When me and ex split up, predictably they made fake reports to social services, the police, NSPCC etc, thinking it would mean I’d let them see my child, and that it would mean they’d get my child from me My ex (sadly) died when my child was 6 months old, so thank god has had nothing to do with those people ever again. My ex MIL tried to take me to court to see my child, but the court happily told her to bugger off. God, I’m so glad my years of worry about this are long gone (my child is now 17!)

Cut contact and choose a happier life

Your DP doesn't get to opt out of this one; if he does, he's actively working against you! Tell him there is a line drawn in the sand now - he can sort out counselling and that's a good thing but in the meantime he doesnt get to deliver your son to the abuser like a bloody parcel.

Someone earlier said can you go to your own family for a while? Might be a good option and then he can have a long think about his own future.

To clarify, her house isn't inherently dangerous! I'd never take my son somewhere that was obviously dangerous. There's no heavy drinking, drugs or people fighting or anything along those lines. It's clean and well decorated. It's just exactly as I said it is... Busy, loud, claustrophobic. Baby gets overstimulated, and inevitably misses naps. He can fall asleep on my knee or on my shoulder anywhere else as I chat away. He struggles there, I struggle there.

Before I went NC with her when DS was 2 months old, I'd asked her really politely and tactfully if, just while he was still so tiny and adjusting to the world, could there be a few less people when I came to visit her as I was finding it stressful when DS was very upset there as there's not anywhere quiet I could take him to try to calm him. I didn't blame her and was very careful not to potentially insult her or hurt her feelings. She refused my request, and proceeded to tell me all the mistakes I was making as a new mum. Said I was making a rod for my own back by not exposing him to loud, busy environments from birth, that I was making him worse, and that he was going to struggle in life if I carried on. I'd simply asked if I could ease him (and me!) into the big change of our usual pace so he could get used to her and her home first, and then gradually we could increase his exposure to her usual full, busy house. I also gave her 24/7 open invite to ours to see DS, but she wasn't interested in doing that.

I was under a lot of stress at the time, we had been asked by our landlord to leave our home on very short notice as he wanted his house back before Christmas. I was getting barely any sleep at night, and through the day I was going to multiple house viewings with DS in tow, and trying to make sure he fed and napped well around that. I was doing my best with very little support. DP works long hours, my mum lives an hour down the motorway and often isolated for weeks on end so she could go stay with my granddad, who was on a long waiting list for a hernia op and new hip and could barely walk. He needed her more. DPs family refused to come to my house, and insisted if I needed help I must go to them. So that's what I tried to do, except it was difficult and stressful there. I tried to find a compromise with her, but because it wasn't completely on her terms, I was issued a list of her expert guidance on how to look after my baby.

Obviously being told what I was doing wrong at that point didn't go down well. I didn't insult her, but I did engage and I tried too hard to explain myself and I ended up getting very annoyed. I spent too much energy trying to gain empathy and understanding from a brick wall. I asked her to stop messaging me as I was starting to get annoyed, and she continued... for days. I blocked her at that point, and she hadn't seen DS since then due to our falling out and the abuse she gave DP in the wake.

DP patched things up with her during January. I had not and did not want to. When he requested I take him and DS to visit her the other day, I used it as an excuse to go get some me time. DS is 6 months now, and I trust DP with him completely. However the same thing happened, DS got very distressed and DP struggled to console him. This doesn't happen anywhere else, not in the supermarket, not at my friend's or my family members houses... just there.

DP is a great dad, he does everything he can on his days off to spend time with our son. He just calms a bit easier and quicker with me these days (I have the boobs) and that's nobodies fault. I hate the idea of him being distressed somewhere I am not 'allowed' to be with him.

I have told DP to tell her she can come here if she asks to see DS, but she won't. I know she won't. I've also told him I won't be taking him anywhere that I'm not also allowed into. I don't want to facilitate a relationship to be honest, I just don't want DP to have to face any more of her venom. I will keep ontop of checking in with where he's up to with getting the counselling.

I also need to look into this FOG stuff.

Thank you for all your replies everyone. I have read and really appreciated each comment.

I personally wouldn’t let her near my child. Your baby shouldn’t be in her toxic environment.

Option C - total NC!

This woman/family adds nothing to your families lives, and you’ll all be better with her/them out of it!